Stan Musial 1920-2013

Hall of Fame coach calls Tebow “The Perfect NFL Quarterback”

Canton, Ohio- NFL Hall of Fame coach Guy Chamberlain said today that Denver Broncos quarterback Tim Tebow “might be the perfect pro quarterback.”

Chamberlain, shown modeling the latest in football safety gear.

“This young man has all the tools to be one of the all-time greats,” explained Chamberlain. "He's a big, strong young man, and boy can he ever run. I’da loved to had him playing for us in Canton.”

Chamberlain was inducted into the Pro Football Hall of Fame in 1965, two years before his death at the age of 73. He was a successful college and professional player before moving to become a player-coach for four NFL championship teams, including back-to-back titles for the Canton Bulldogs in 1922 and 1923.

Chamberlain praised Tebow’s ability to run with the football and to take a big hit. "He's got a nose for the end zone, too," said Chamberlain. Chamberlain was also impressed with Tebow’s overall athletic ability, saying “If I’d a had a backfield of Tim Tebow and Jim Thorpe, I’d never have lost a game. Akron and Dayton wouldn'ta stood a chance.” When asked his opinion of Tebow’s ability to pass the football, Chamberlain responded, “We don’t run too many trick plays in Canton.”

Chamberlain expressed some concerns about Tebow’s character, saying “Any young man who poses for a photograph in nothin' but his undergarments just ain't been raised right,” but is otherwise impressed with the Broncos’ star. Chamberlain then changed subjects, moving on to spend several minutes praising the Cadillac Type 55 as “the finest automobile that money can buy."

Scientists Confirm Discovery of Second, Third Ways to Rock

Cambridge, Massachusetts - At a press conference earlier today, MIT researchers confirmed the existence of two newly discovered ways to rock. "We've all heard for years that there's only one way to rock," explained senior researcher Lars May, "but scientific evidence, including light-spectrum analysis and the study of gravitational abnormalities, has long hinted there must be more than just the one. Until recently, however, the technology at our disposal was insufficient to aid us in expanding our understanding of this phenomenon. But today, after many months of hard work by my research team at MIT, I'm proud to announce scientific proof of the existence of not one, but two previously unknown ways to rock."

"This is the culmination of nearly three years' worth of hard work from our research team," explained May. "I couldn't be prouder of the work my team has put into these studies." Dr. May told reporters that the full results of the study would be released in the upcoming Journal of American Rocking Studies. "We look forward to review from our peers," Dr. May said, "but I feel that our research has clearly proven the existence of not only a second, but even a third way to rock."

The surprise announcement was met with much skepticism by many in the rock community, including an official rebuke from the Hagar Institute. In a hastily-arranged press conference at their headquarters in Cabo San Lucas, Mexico, Hagar Institute spokesperson Nancy Walker stated, "Despite what some scientists may say, there are millions, if not billions, of people worldwide who believe there is only one way to rock. This knowledge came from the Red Rocker himself. Science has given us many great things, but it cannot replace faith."

The group's followers were equally skeptical of the MIT announcement. A man in his mid-20s who gave his name only as "Otto" said, "Man, we know the truth. The Red Rocker tells it like it is, man, he always has." The man paused to take a sip of a bright red drink from a guitar-shaped container hanging from his neck, and continued, "There's only three possibilities, man. He's a liar, he's crazy, or he's telling the truth. We know he ain't lyin', cause he said you'll know it's love when nothing's missing, and that's the truth, dude. He also said he can't drive 55, and now the limit is 75! He's a prophet, man! Is he crazy? Well, yeah man, he's a little crazy... but he's also telling the truth, no doubt about it. Those scientists can stick it!"

Hagar himself had no comment on MIT's findings, other than to say, "It's all good, brother. Them scientists can use their little calculators all they want, but I'm not gonna change my message. It's a fact. Now if you'll excuse me, it's 8:05."

The announcement was not without controversy even within the scientific community. Rival researchers at Stanford University staged their own press conference later in the day, verifying the MIT findings but also claiming to have found a fourth way to rock. When asked for comment, Dr. May scoffed at the Stanford findings, explaining that "It's well-known that there is a field of, shall we say, "minor" ways to rock out there that have not cleared the neighborhood of the now-established three ways. Stanford's discovery is, at best, a dwarf way to rock. We stand by our findings: there's only three ways to rock."

In a separate but related study, Stanford researchers found that there are actually 1,104,364 ways to make love, but that "...nobody could possibly even be thinking of more than about 300,000."

A Farewell from The Beard

Dearest readers, it is with a heavy heart that I must bid you farewell! This season has been a very trying time for me, The Beard, as I have attempted to channel greatness unto the Colorado Rockies. Unfortunately, I believe that many of the Rockies have reached the point where they are relying too much on the greatness of others, rather than trusting their own. In other words, The Beard has become a distraction, and my advice is too often being ignored.

In parallel universes, beards=evil, and the Rockies win on Sundays.

Even Ryan Spilborghs, the primary conduit of Beardly Greatness, is struggling mightily this season... barely even deserving his spot on the roster, much less a spot on The Beard's itinerary. There have been Beard-worthy performances this season, no doubt... Todd Helton has bounced back in a big way, putting together a fine season. Seth Smith has managed to exceed the expectations of just about everybody (except his manager, apparently, who still relegates him to platoon duty). Huston Street has a setup man's ability but a closer's attitude, and even though he has struggled at times, he is getting the job done.

However, few others have raised their play this season to Beard-worthy levels for any substantial stretch of time, which explains why the Rockies find themselves below .500 and ten games back of the Diamondbacks and Giants. One of those is a team that demonstrates just how far playing as a team, with passion and joy, can take you; and one shows that extremely good starting pitching can carry a pathetic offense much further than extremely good offense could ever hope to drag pathetic pitching.

So the best thing for me to do for the Rockies is what every parent must also do: to let them go and find their own path. I have held their hand, I have shown them the way, I have drawn out a little map on a paper napkin and tucked it into their pocket... but I sense that they are now waiting to for someone to pull them down that path, when true greatness comes to those who walk it alone.

This is not to say that you will not see manly, manly beards upon the Rockies' faces. In fact, many of the Rockies are sporting beards right now... as much as I'd like to think it's a "farewell" to me, I believe it's actually the result of the team realizing that they must find their Inner Beard, and let it out. In a season that has had too few, this is a positive sign. This is also not to say that I will not still be here to comment on the Rockies success (or lack thereof)... I will simply be an observer, like the rest of you.

However, my primary focus for the next year or so will be to find Peter Jackson and offer my assistance. His beard itself isn't quite up to my standards, but if I can keep The Hobbit from approaching Phantom Menace levels of suck, I will let the preppy-hobo look slide. Rockies fans, fear not! I will never be too far, but this team needs to learn to find the greatness within themselves, rather than counting on the greatness of The Universe to come through them.

The talent is there on this club, but the attitude is all wrong. Helton is there, as always, providing the "see the ball, hit the ball" example to follow... but too many of them ignore it, preferring Tulo's grip-it-and-rip-it philosophy. When a player with an unapologetically immature approach at the plate as Tulo is the "team leader" (and when the manager doesn't have the stones to hold his star player accountable for it), the result is a feast-or-famine team... which is what the Rockies have become. It is my hope that they will learn from this season, and soon return to the greatness for which they are destined!

Fondly,
The Beard

The Ian Stewart Drinking Game

It has been many moons since there has been an update to this blog, but we here at Year of the Beard have not been idle! Far from it! We have been devoting countless hours developing a new Drinking Game for Rockies fans everywhere! No, it does not involve drinking every time Jason Giambi strikes out in the 9th inning with the tying run at second base, nor does it require one to drink every time Huston Street does something that makes you sick to your stomach. Either of those would require you wait until the ninth inning, and this will not do. We needed to come up with something that the devoted Rockies fan/alcoholic could play all game long, and so we present to you: The Ian Stewart Drinking Game.

Ian Stewart, pictured here with his crotch.

The set-up for this game is simple: pour yourself a drink, and turn on a Rockies game... chances are good that even for you light-drinking Rockies fans and coaches out there, this has been your habit since early May, anyway. Then, simply follow the instructions below:

1. Take one drink every time Ian Stewart touches/grabs/rearranges his junk on camera. This can occur while playing defense, while running the bases, while at the plate, or when in the dugout.
2. If Ian Stewart either a) swings and misses, or b) slides into base, and fails to touch his junk afterwards, drink two times.
3. Combo: If Ian Stewart touches his junk with one hand, and then immediately switches hands and touches his junk with the other hand, chug.

It's that simple, folks. And with the beardful Stewart playing pretty darn well lately, he should be getting most of the starts for the remainder of the season, so you should be able to play pretty much every night! And even better, if you truly commit to this game, you should be passed out long before Giambi or Street trot into the game to ruin the rest of your evening. Enjoy!