Helton Beard Update/500th Double!

Today, Todd Helton hit not only his 500th career double, but also a game-winning 8th inning home run. You might notice that Helton today sported the beginnings of a full beard... I'm sure we can all agree that this is no coincidence. We can only hope that Helton will see the connection, and will continue to let that beard come in and let those big hits keep rolling right along with it. Congrats Todd, and congrats Todd's Beard!

And an added congrats to our main man Ryan Spilborghs and his wife, on the recent birth of his new Beardling Kierra!

Worse Than the Rockies: Grab Bag!

Hello, and welcome to another edition of "Worse than the Rockies." With the Rockies playing pretty darn good baseball these days, the title might strike some of you as a bit silly. But, much like "Dem Bums" remained an affectionate nickname for the Brooklyn Dodgers even after they finally got good and then left the borough that loved them more than life itself, I'm gonna stick with this title for now. It was never meant to be "Worse Than the Rockies Are Right Now," it's more like "Worse Than the Rockies When Viewed From An Historical Perspective." And let's be honest with ourselves, Rockies fans... that's still pretty bad. But we're working on it!

Anyway, today's feature is not going to focus on just one thing that's Worse Than The Rockies, I have a few things to poop on today. Here goes...

Worse Than The Rockies: Sabermetrics Guys

OK, OK, before you get your slide rules all sticky with rage, hear me out: I do love the statistical aspect of baseball. More than any other sport, the numbers are a part of the game. Baseball fans have a love of numbers, and I am no exception. And yes, I do realize that just looking at a guy's RBI and batting average tells you far less about him than there is to know. So the core idea behind enhanced analysis of baseball statistics is something that I, as a baseball fan, do appreciate. And finally, yes I do play fantasy baseball, and a player with a sub-1.00 WHIP or a high OPS intrigues me.

But listening to a die-hard SABR guy is to witness the very definition of "taking all the fun out of something." No matter how many different stats you make up about the game, it still depends on a guy hitting a ball with a bat, and the beauty of the sport is that the guy who the numbers say SHOULD be your best chance to win a game might not win it for you, and the guy the numbers say SHOULD be the one guy you don't want up in a situation just might be the guy who comes through. And the further beauty of the sport is that when it's the guy with lousy numbers' turn to bat, the guy with the awesome metrics has to sit there on the bench and cheer him on (his effectiveness in that role, no doubt, reflected in some bullshit stat somewhere).

Furthermore, it happens way too often to be coincidence that a guy whose numbers suggest he does not help his team (Josh Fogg) leaves the team, and the team goes downhill fast. The opposite is equally common: a team brings in a guy whose super-sexy numbers suggest he's going to be the difference-maker (A-Rod, Jack Parkman) but he and his new team just kind of sit there. You can look at poker, with a limited (although huge) amount of variables and possibilities, and boil everything down to a percentage and a probability. But it's just silly to approach something as complex as the sport of baseball with the assumption that everything can be objectively demonstrated with a percentage of some sort.

Now, if the numbers are the aspect of the sport that really interests you, then by all means, knock yourself out. Whatever you do in the privacy of your own home or in the company of other number geeks is fine with me. But a line is crossed when some sabermetrics goober gets on a blog (or worse, makes it past the guards and gets on TV) and starts yammering about VORP and linear weights and a bunch of stuff that they are clearly throwing out just to make it impossible to argue with them because nobody cares enough about their silly stats to even know what they mean. Go back to the chess club, sabermetrics geeks, and discuss the game on paper to your heart's content, but stop looking down your noses at the rest of us who like to see it played on a green field under the sun! Number Nerds, I appreciate your love for baseball, but if you can't carry on a conversation with somebody who's content comparing BA, RBI, and ERA, then you're Worse Than the Rockies. 2.5/4 Dingers.


Worse Than The Rockies: Full-Truck Roll Cages

Maybe this is just a Colorado thing, but I see these all over the place, and 99% of the time it's on either a Jeep Cherokee or a Toyota pickup/4runner:


Seriously, don't you think that's a bit extreme? Are you so bad at off-roading that rolling your vehicle completely over is something that really concerns you? And if you are that bad at it, are you sure want to make that so blatantly obvious to everybody else? I think if you practiced 4-wheeling as much as you practiced welding, you might just get good enough at it to keep the wheels pointing down.

It's even sillier when you see one of these in combination with one of those snorkels (another accessory in which only Jeep and Yota owners seem at all interested). I look forward to the day when I see a jeep with a full-body roll cage and TWO snorkels -- one at the roof and one down by the ground, so when he's completely upside-down in three feet of water, his engine will continue to run smoothly. Just based on uselessness alone, these gadgets are Worse Than the Rockies. 1.5/4 Dingers.


Worse Than The Rockies: Michael Jackson Insanity

Yeah, I know it's died down a bit. Sure, the guy was immensely talented, and I do feel a bit sad about the way his life turned out and ultimately ended. But for crying out loud, if there's one guy we shouldn't turn into a hero, it's this guy. Complete weirdo with no concept of how the real world works. Puts his hand over his face and pretends to cry to avoid answering questions he doesn't like. Ashamed of his race to the point that he altered his appearance to look whiter than a Swedish Goth kid. Dangles babies over balconies because he loves his kids SO MUCH. Drug and plastic surgery junkie whose nose was falling off his face. Oh, and if that wasn't enough, he diddled little cancer-suffering kids after getting them drunk (ALLEGEDLY). Yet in what should have come as a surprise to absolutely nobody, he dies young and under weird circumstances, and then gets TV coverage, celebrity shout-outs, and a memorial service greater than any serviceperson, veteran, firefighter, or cop who died in the line of duty has ever seen. WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM, AMERICA??? 3.5/4 Dingers.

Midseason Report Card

OK, so it's a bit past the midpoint of the season, the All-Star game has come and gone and I'm just now getting to the "midseason report card." Part of me is apologetic about that, and part of me says "So what? If you want it done at midseason, do it yourself!" Then I sit back and feel a bit bad about that outburst, and I question if maybe my blood sugar is low or something. So I grab a Coke, pour a bit of JD in there, and sit down and get working on the midseason grades. So with that little bit of internal drama out of the way, on to the report card!

Starting Pitching: A

Taken as a complete half-season, the starting pitching has been a bit above average. But as a grader, I tend to put some extra weight into obvious improvement over the first half, and under those circumstances, the Rockies starters clearly get very high marks, because since late May they have been excellent. Marquis is an all-star, leads the league in wins. He, Cook, and Jimenez all have sub-4.00 ERAs, which in most other home ballparks equates to a sub-3.00 ERA. The Ever-Mysterious Del La Rosa has won his last 5 starts. And if they could figure out a way to pitch Hammel only on the road, where he is lights out (1.93 ERA, 7.62 at home), they'd really be on to something. The Rockies recent success can be traced directly to the starting pitching they've received.

Relief Pitching: B-

The bullpen gets a B- only because of the great work by Huston Street, who has been fantastic in the closer role. The rest of the bullpen has been hit-or-miss, and without Street factored in I feel I'm being generous to give them a C-. I like what Fogg has done out there, and Peralta has been good more often than he hasn't, but I don't have a lot of faith in the likes of Rincon, Corpas, and Daley... and if I never see Matt Beslile again it will be too soon. Seeing that guy walk to the mound is like seeing oranges appear onscreen in "The Godfather." If the Rockies are going to stay in the race, they need another bullpen arm. Franklin Morales has just recently been put out there, which could work out nicely, but the guys that get the ball into Street's hands are the obvious weak link on this team.

Offense: C+

Every once in a while, this team hits like we know it can, and they ring up 8-10 runs on just about anybody four or five games in a row. It's beautiful to watch, because there's a lot of pop throughout this lineup. But then, they go into a strange funk where nobody other than Helton and Hawpe is hitting; as a team, they're hitting .259, right about middle of the pack. And this team strikes out a lot... 4th most in the NL, with Fowler and Barmes leading the way. I know there are some young guys in this lineup, but they need to do better than this at the plate, especially with this bullpen.

Defense: B

Their defense hasn't been as terrific as it's been in recent years, but they've been fine. With Stewart at 3B they have a great defensive infield, and the outfield is solid. Defense is winning them more games than it's costing them, and that's about all you can ask for.

Manager: A+

What can you say about Tracy? This team was DOA under Hurdle. Tracy steps in, and they go on one of the best win streaks in recent history, and even once the streak was over they continued to play over .500 ball, and to everyone's surprise they are right in the playoff hunt. The Dodgers have a huge lead at this point, but not only do I expect the Rockies to be right there in the race for the Wild Card spot, I think they will give the Dodgers a run for their money, too. If they're still in the playoff hunt at the end of the season, Jim Tracy should get some serious consideration for Manager of the Year.

GM: incomplete

I'll admit to frustration that we couldn't hold onto Holliday, but right now, the Rockies look like they clearly got the better of that trade. Holliday's stock has fallen sharply in Oakland, while Street could have been an all-star and Gonzales has shown flashes of the player he's been touted as. We also lost Fuentes (who I am happy to say is pitching great in Anaheim) but with Street, they haven't really missed him.

There is still work to do, however, before I can give a grade. He's earned an "A" so far, but this is a team that right now could go either way. And until we see what O'Dowd does to keep this team in the hunt -- particularly getting value for Atkins, either with a #3 starter or a top-end bullpen guy -- I'm withholding a grade until the trade deadline. Yeah, it's a carrot. So what? If it works, nobody should complain.

Beard Shavings -- July 6 2009

Hello loyal readers! The Beard here, checking in with you Rockies Fans for the last time before the All-Star break. Congratulations to Brad Hawpe and Jason Marquis, two deserving Rockies All-Star representatives!

In case you haven't noticed, Rockies fans, the Rockies' win streak is officially over. They have lost three of their last four series, only a sweep of the awful A's has them at .500 over their last 12 games. Should we be concerned?

Yes and no. Two of those three series losses were to excellent, division-leading teams, the Angels and Dodgers. And of the four losses to those two teams, three of those games were very close, could-have-gone-either-way games. A good team has to beat other good teams, but going 2-4 on the road against two division leaders, losing three of those games by a total of 4 runs, is a sign of hope.

Losing two of three to the even-worse D-backs, however, has revealed some of the weak spots in this Rockies team. The middle game in particular highlighted the hit-or-miss quality of the Rockies bullpen... they were handed a 4-3 lead, and turned it into a 11-7 loss. They nearly blew a big lead to the A's the previous week, too. While the bullpen (Street in particular) has been solid through this recent resurgence, I believe they clearly need a beard upgrade out there if they are to contend in the 2nd half of this season.

Another problem that has raised its ugly head is strikeouts. Rockies batters have been striking out at an alarming rate. In the three-game series with the D-backs, the Rockies struck out 19 times. They did not really have a problem scoring runs against the Diamondbacks, but even so, they need to be a lot more disciplined at the plate.

Now, the Nationals come into town for the next three games. This is a team that makes the A's and D-backs look like Pennant winners. This is a team that hasn't yet reached double digits in road wins. Their ERA is 2nd worst in the majors, nobody issues more walks than they do, only one team strikes out fewer batters than they do. They're a little bit better with the bat in their hand, but even so, this is a bad, bad baseball team. This is a team that the Rockies, if they're the team we all hope they are, should sweep and sweep easily. Anything less than that, and we can start worrying, but until then, let's take the D-backs series as a couple hiccups at the worst possible time, and keep looking forward!

Welcome Back Manny...

...you big fat cheater!