ESPN Followup

Yesterday, The Beard interviewed the president of ESPN, and came away unimpressed with the network's dedication to serious sports coverage. Needless to say, they didn't know a great deal about the Rockies. And as if on cue, ESPN has provided us some more (read: not made up) evidence, in the form of expert baseball/donut analyst John Kruk and his ESPN.com article today:

"This series with the Angels will be a good test for the Rockies, who just came off of a good series with Tampa Bay. When you play at home, you should win games. Now, the Rockies are on the road against a very good team, so it will be interesting to see how they handle this challenge."

I agree that the Angels series will be a good road test for the Rockies, but it won't be the first. ESPN's definition of a "very good team" is "A team in either New York, Boston, or Chicago (or in very rare cases, Los Angeles), often featured near the top of the hour on ESPN broadcasts." Road sweeps of the NL Central leading Cardinals and the 2nd-place Brewers (both currently with more wins than the Phillies, Mets, or Angels, by the way) two weeks ago apparently didn't leave much of a mark over there at ESPN.

And it may be nit-picky, but strictly speaking, the Rockies "just came off" a series against Pittsburgh, not Tampa Bay. So within three sentences, Kruk managed to reveal that at least half of the NL Central is completely in his blind spot. But I assure you, John, there is a central division in both leagues, not just the AL. Ask Peter Gammons, he'll explain it to you.

"They're off to a good start with Monday's easy win. When you get on a roll the way Colorado has, sometimes it's just that, a small streak. As reality starts to set in, it will be interesting to see whether the Rockies can maintain it. It's not going to be an easy task against the Angels."

Wow. That takes the cake... 17 of 18 games is a "small streak." I can say with absolute certainty that if the BoSox, Yanks, or Mets had won 17 of their last 18 games (nine of those on the road, no less), ESPN would be building a house in that team's butts. They'd be the lead story every single night, and proclaimed as "one of the hottest teams baseball had ever seen." And God help us, if the Phils had won 17 of 18, Kruk would be red-faced and foaming at the mouth, running around the Baseball Tonight set tearing frantically at his clothing, revealing his Phillies undies, before collapsing in Karl Ravech's lap in a jabbering heap.

"Colorado's run is just that, a run. In my mind, this team is not a threat to win the wild card. Even though the Mets and Phillies have played terribly lately, the wild card is still going to come out of the NL East. Both teams are almost unwatchable at the moment, but I'm still certain the Phillies will win the division and the Mets will take the wild card."

No bias here, none at all. One team is playing great, another couple teams are "unwatchable." But the unwatchable teams are better, and will win, and that's that. Great, in-depth analysis there, Kruk. And thanks, ESPN, for not even trying to avoid the appearance of an east coast bias here.

Kruk seems to think he's on to something by hinting that the Rockies can't possibly finish the season winning 95% of their remaining games. Well, duh. But he seems to just assume that when they cool off, they'll drop back down to a .400 team, and those marvelous Mets and Phillies will take their rightful place in the playoffs (apparently, the Cubs, Brewers, and Giants will also realize they're hopelessly outclassed, and cede the wild card to the vastly superior NL East, as well).

Well, the Mets or Phillies could certainly win the Wild Card, I won't argue that. But even when the Rockies cool off, they must figure in that race... they have a top-notch lineup 1-8, they have three very solid starters in Cook, Jimenez, and Marquis (with Hammel looking good lately as well), and their bullpen - which may ultimately prove their biggest weakness - has been very effective during this streak. If there's a reason to dismiss the Rockies' chances, Kruk didn't address it... he just likes the Phils and Mets better whether they're playing well or not, and at ESPN, that's apparently good enough to count as "expert analysis."

I'd stand here and say that I can't believe somebody like John Kruk is ESPN's lead baseball analyst, except for the fact that on a network that favors entertainment over reporting, hype over substance, and aims its programming at the dumbest common denominator, he's actually pretty much perfect.

The Beard Interviews: The Worldwide Leader in Sports

Hello readers! Today we have a special feature. The Beard has interviewed George Bodenheimer, president of The Worldwide Leader in Sports, for a discussion about this year's baseball season, as well as sports in general. We hope you enjoy it!

The Beard: Hello, Mr Bodenheimer, and thank you for joining me here today.
George Bodenheimer: Well thanks, Beard. I always love talking about sports. Any sport, anywhere, you know me!
TB: Of course I do. Let me start with baseball: with basketball and hockey seasons over and football a few months away, baseball has everybody's attention. What you think of the Major League Baseball season so far?
GB: Well, so far it's been a great season for baseball and for the Worldwide Leader in Sports. New ballparks for both the Yankees and the Mets? I mean, does it get any better than that? The baseball world is just in love with the Red Sox and Yankees, and as always, they don't fail do disappoint! They're battling for the American league pennant! Oh! And how about those Orioles! They've won five in a row!!!
TB: Yes indeed, the American League East is certainly in the minds of many. Are there any teams in the AL Central and West divisions that you find interesting?
GB: ... um, what was that you said, Beard? I'm sorry, I was thinking about Big Papi. He sure has fought through his slump, hasn't he? And the world followed it every step of the way. The audience just gobbled up that storyline. Say, what do you think would happen if Big Papi and Jonathan Papelbon had a kid? We'd name it " Big Papilbon!" (Laughs)
TB. Very clever indeed, sir. What about the National League? Do you find any interesting stories in that league?
GB: Dice-K is on the DL! And A-Rod was recently benched! Man, the storylines in the AL are just breathtaking, aren't they?
TB: Interesting comment. Some would argue that the great thing about sports is that they have no storyline. How would you respond to those who say that sports stories should be reported rather than promoted?
GB: Sorry, I was spacing out there again, thinking about A-Rod. Did you know that the audience is so interested in A-Rod that he gets his own heading in our sports ticker at the bottom of the screen? Refreshed every 90 seconds!!! If you want to hear the latest A-Rod news, you know where to go!
TB: Yes, we certainly do. Let's talk about the National League for a moment. The best record in the majors is in the NL...
GB: Best record? Really? (pulls out a pad of paper and scribbles a note) Er, but yeah, of course, the National League has plenty of great stories. There's the Mets, of course. The subway series! Best thing that has ever happened to baseball, without a doubt. And the Cubs, naturally, everybody loves the Cubbies! Oh, and the Phillies! Ryan Howard had the flu? Can you believe that, somebody his size getting the flu? Wow... And ever since Joe Torre and Manny went to the Dodgers, there seems to have been some interest in that team. But from a reporting standpoint, the story is always in the American League; NL just can't win the series, the AL is too strong. Everybody that follows baseball knows that! I mean, just look at how many people watch Yankees/Red Sox every season!!!
TB: The NL has actually won two of the last three World Series, Mr Bodenheimer, the losing NL team in that span being the team I am associated with, the Colorado Rockies. What do you think of their recent play?
GB: The Rockies? Man, that Coors Field is a launching pad, isn't it? Yeah, the Rockies were a great story back in 2007, and we were there from the very start! As soon as they beat the Padres in that one-game playoff, they really became the story of the NL, and you saw it all on the Worldwide Leader in Sports!
TB: What do you think of their recent streak?
GB: (shaking head slowly) Well, it's too bad, really. They have a good ballclub out there. That Matt Holliday is a great hitter. I'm sure if the Rockies keep losing he'll find himself in Yankee pinstripes by August! That will be quite the story! "Holliday in the Bronx!" (laughs, then scribbles a note)
TB: Actually, the Rockies have the best record in the majors over the last month, sir, and Matt Holliday is playing in Oakland.
GB: Seriously? Wow, I had no idea he'd been sent to the minors! (scribbles another note)
TB: Oakland is a major league city, Mr Bodenheimer.
GB: Oakland, California?! Get outta here!!!
TB: Yes sir, right across the bay from San Francisco. They have uniforms and everything.
GB: San Francisco? That's where Joe Dimaggio played minor league ball, you know, before he came to New York. The Yankee Clipper. Married Marilyn Monroe, did you know that? Greatest Living Ballplayer, that man.
TB: Mr Bodenheimer, Joe Dimaggio is dead. The greatest living ballplayer is probably Stan Musial.
GB: Wow, great storyline! Who's this Musial fellow? Was he in the Negro Leagues?
TB: No, sir. He played in St Louis.
GB: St Louis, California? I guess I'll take your word for it. Too bad he never made it to the majors, if he was as great as you say. Was he better than, say, Jason Varitek?
TB: Um... well yes, he was.
GB: (visibly impressed) DANG!!! (scribbles another quick note)
TB: Mr Bodenheimer, may I list a few topics, and have you tell me what you think of them? I'm interested to hear what the Worldwide Leader in Sports thinks about some of these organizations and sports figures.
GB: Sure, fire away!
TB: Denver Broncos.
GB: Great, great football team. That Elway's a winner, I always said so. Orange doesn't look great on TV, though. They should go with red or black.
TB: New England Patriots.
GB: They really are the Red Sox of the NFL, you know? Everybody in the country just loves that team! I literally don't know a single person who doesn't love them.
TB: I see. Minnesota Twins.
GB: That's great. Twins! Like, anybody's going to be scared of twins! Make them the Minnesota Monsters, that would sell. But I don't really get involved with our coverage of college sports.
TB: Brett Favre.
GB: (flushed and visibly excited) I tell you, Brett Favre is like George Washington, Martin Luther King, Michael Jordan, and that one famous general guy... I can't think of his name. Anyway, like all of those guys wrapped into one, but with charisma! He's such a hero, and I mean a real American hero, like Curt Chilling or Brad Pitt. The camera loves him, and America loves him, too. I hope he never retires!
TB: Seattle Mariners.
GB: Sorry, can't help you there. Not really into boating.
TB: Tiger Woods.
GB: (no audible answer. Mr Bodenheimer sat for nearly two minutes with an odd look on his face, before eventually indicating he was ready for the next question)
TB: OK, here is a group for you: the Edmonton Oilers, Colorado Avalanche, Carolina Hurricanes, Phoenix Coyotes, Atlanta Thrashers, and Columbus Blue Jackets.
GB: (silent for a moment) Wow, you stumped me there. I'm guessing WNBA, but who knows what they're up to these days? Nobody would watch, no matter how many catchy commercials we made. I tell you, we pushed that league as hard as we could, because everybody loves basketball, but it never caught on. I told them after a few months that if they ever wanted to become a serious sport in this country, they'd have to get more white girls and show a lot more skin, but they didn't go for it. Luckily, poker came along, and people just love that sport!
TB: Very interesting. What will you cover when the poker fad dissipates?
GB: Oh, we've got it all lined up already. First, we're going to milk the poker thing as long as we can by going to all-chick poker, and I'm going to insist on bikinis. And after that, we move in with bikini billiards. That's gonna seriously kill. I mean, think about the camera angles, slow-motion replays... now that's a sport that can make people all across this great country, from New York to Cleveland, forget all about the Red Sox/Yankees storyline! All we've ever done is to totally revolutionize how sports are reported, and we're set to do it again with the Women's Billiards League! You should see the logo!
TB: I can picture it now. Best of luck with that, and thank you for your time, Mr Bodehheimer.
GB: It's always great to talk to you, Beard. I always learn something I didn't know. I'm gonna have our guys do one of those sad-music, pan-across-old-photos pieces about this Musial guy. If he's as good as you say he was, it's just sad to think the baseball world has completely forgotten about him. It's too bad sports fans have such a narrow viewpoint these days, isn't it?
TB: It certainly is.

Beard Shavings -- June 15,2009

Greetings and salutations, faithful readers and Rockies fans! It is I, The Beard, and I welcome you to a long-delayed edition of Beard Shavings! I am sure you are distressed at the fact it has been so long since I have communicated with you, and there is certainly much Rockies-related news to cover, which I will see to very soon. But first, a word of explanation, if I may...

If I'm honest, it's a great lot of fun being an all-seeing, all-knowing Beard with the power and the wherewithal to travel throughout the galaxy at a whim. As an example, let's say you wanted some ice cream from the planet Boob. Yes, there is a planet Boob, and yes, their ice cream is delicious! But you, with your Earth-centric perspective, wouldn't know any of that, would you? And even if you did, you can't do much about it, with your bipedal, earthbound locomotion and all. So while I can eat ice cream on Boob any time I feel like it, you Earthers can only choose between 31 Flavors and Dairy Queen down the street. And not to brag, but most of the time when I show up asking for ice cream at the far corners of the universe, it's on the house. Call it a perk.

So without question, there are some benefits to being me, The Beard. But lately, despite the ability to travel anywhere, do anything, know everything, and eat anything, I've been feeling rather unfulfilled.. lonely, even. I do not think it is a coincidence that right about the time the Rockies were spiraling straight down the loo, I started feeling like something was missing. It's been a while since baseball and Boob and the entire galaxy were not enough, but I must admit that earlier this summer, I got restless. A Restless Beard is a horrible thing to behold, because every time we Beards get restless, we open up a long-closed door in our memories; we rake old coals... we recall the loss of the Beardwives.

It is said that the Beardwives are still somewhere in the universe, but we cannot find them. We have looked everywhere, and there is no sign of them. I fear they are either gone forever, or their intent is to not be found by us. It's our fault, really. As a young race of Mighty Beards, we were just getting into the whole "search the universe and inspire greatness" schtick, and I suppose the Beardwives just weren't that interested in all that. Beardwives take pleasure in simple things: sewing, cooking, destroying worlds, etc., and so after a while, we went to check in on how they were doing, and they had left. They said they'd be back, and they might have even said where they were going... but frankly, I think we Beards were kind of tuning them out at that point. Looking back, I can now admit that basically, we ignored them, took them for granted. Boy, did we blow it.

I did not spend the last few weeks looking for them, however... that would be an excercise in futilty. I just sat around getting drunk and listening to music. I am feeling much better now, but if you see a Beardwife, could you maybe mention me, maybe say something like how sensitive and thoughtful I had been acting lately, and then let me know how she reacts? Thanks.

Now, on to the Rockies. You may have noticed that the Rockies really, really sucked; then Clint Hurdle was fired, and a bunch of people said "firing the manager never works;" and then the Rockies started playing well in every phase of the game, reeled off a bunch of wins, and have themselves close to .500 and in the playoff hunt under Jim Tracy. You will also note that Jim Tracy does not have a beard, while Clint Hurdle sported that little patch on his lower lip... but more on that in just a bit.

From a baseball perspective, this change has been huge. Those of us that saw the latent greatness in this Rockies team are thrilled, as we are finally seeing them playing to their potential. They won't be rattling off 10-game win streaks for the rest of the year, but this is clearly a .500 or better team that was just not being run the right way. But under Tracy, the Rockies are hitting, the rotation has been excellent, and the bullpen has been gritty.

Tracy does a couple obvious things that Hurdle did not: he benches guys who suck, for one thing. Ian Stewart has been looking great this year, and Garret Atkins has been awful. Yet under Hurdle, Atkins kept starting at 3rd and Stewart would get spot starts at all sorts of different positions. But now, Atkins is a bench guy, and Stewart as the regular 3rd baseman is tearing the cover off the ball (and playing great defense, too). This also allows Barmes to be the full-time 2B, as opposed to Hurdle's attempts to cram him, Baker, and Stewart into an awkward three-man platoon at second, when only one of them's really any good there.

Another thing that is already obvious is that Tracy is much better at the in-game management than Hurdle was, particularly with the bullpen. Hurdle's bullpen strategy was to leave a guy (Belisle, more often than not) in until he'd screwed things up royally, and then bring in somebody else to fix it, which never, ever worked. Tracy seems much better at getting a guy out of the game before he loads the bases with nobody out. It's the little things that make all the difference!

Something less obvious is the overall approach the team seems to have. They seem happy, which they did not appear to be under Hurdle. I know that winning makes happy players, but I have to wonder if it's something else. Hurdle had a reputation as a player's manager, but it could be that things behind closed doors were very different. My gut feeling is that Hurdle is a great guy to be around when little is expected from him, but when expectations are put on his shoulders, he becomes a different guy. Different enough, anyway, to explain last year's total implosion and this year's terrible start. Some guys crack under the pressure of success, and perhaps Hurdle was one of those guys.

But now, the true factor involved here may finally be revealed. You won't read this in any of the print media, for this is knowledge that only you, the readers of this feature, can hope to understand. I did not want to say anything while Hurdle was a member of the team, didn't want to cause any ripples that would become waves... but the "soul patch" is not a beard. I repeat: any suggestion that the "soul patch" is, in any way, related to The Race of Eternal Beards or shares our goal of instilling greatness in others is a lie.

The tuft does not imply greatness of any sort. In fact, the "soul patch," as it demands to be called, is actually my arch-enemy, the arch-enemy of all that is Beardly! If there is a force for good in the universe, there is also a force for evil. That evil is embodied by the narrow tuft of facial hair that you so readily call the "soul patch." Consider the following:




Some of the most terrible things in your history are associated with the one-inch wide tuft of facial hair. As soon as Hurdle revealed it, I got an empty feeling, and I knew that it was only a matter of time before things came to pieces. Even when the evil tuft was not on his face, I could tell it was in his heart. He had fallen to the evil power, and there was little I could do. I could have stepped in, I suppose, but I didn't think the Colorado Rockies' dugout was a the right place for a no holds barred cage match between galactic forces of good and evil, with the very fate of the universe on the line. So I let it play out, and for the effects which that decision had on the Rockies, I sincerely apologize.

So now, Rockies fans, enjoy the summer! There is hope once again! Whether the Rockies will contend, I do not know, but they are fun to watch once again, and that is the first step towards greatness. May the peace and ice cream of the galaxy be upon you,


The Beard