The Beard Interviews: The Worldwide Leader in Sports

Hello readers! Today we have a special feature. The Beard has interviewed George Bodenheimer, president of The Worldwide Leader in Sports, for a discussion about this year's baseball season, as well as sports in general. We hope you enjoy it!

The Beard: Hello, Mr Bodenheimer, and thank you for joining me here today.
George Bodenheimer: Well thanks, Beard. I always love talking about sports. Any sport, anywhere, you know me!
TB: Of course I do. Let me start with baseball: with basketball and hockey seasons over and football a few months away, baseball has everybody's attention. What you think of the Major League Baseball season so far?
GB: Well, so far it's been a great season for baseball and for the Worldwide Leader in Sports. New ballparks for both the Yankees and the Mets? I mean, does it get any better than that? The baseball world is just in love with the Red Sox and Yankees, and as always, they don't fail do disappoint! They're battling for the American league pennant! Oh! And how about those Orioles! They've won five in a row!!!
TB: Yes indeed, the American League East is certainly in the minds of many. Are there any teams in the AL Central and West divisions that you find interesting?
GB: ... um, what was that you said, Beard? I'm sorry, I was thinking about Big Papi. He sure has fought through his slump, hasn't he? And the world followed it every step of the way. The audience just gobbled up that storyline. Say, what do you think would happen if Big Papi and Jonathan Papelbon had a kid? We'd name it " Big Papilbon!" (Laughs)
TB. Very clever indeed, sir. What about the National League? Do you find any interesting stories in that league?
GB: Dice-K is on the DL! And A-Rod was recently benched! Man, the storylines in the AL are just breathtaking, aren't they?
TB: Interesting comment. Some would argue that the great thing about sports is that they have no storyline. How would you respond to those who say that sports stories should be reported rather than promoted?
GB: Sorry, I was spacing out there again, thinking about A-Rod. Did you know that the audience is so interested in A-Rod that he gets his own heading in our sports ticker at the bottom of the screen? Refreshed every 90 seconds!!! If you want to hear the latest A-Rod news, you know where to go!
TB: Yes, we certainly do. Let's talk about the National League for a moment. The best record in the majors is in the NL...
GB: Best record? Really? (pulls out a pad of paper and scribbles a note) Er, but yeah, of course, the National League has plenty of great stories. There's the Mets, of course. The subway series! Best thing that has ever happened to baseball, without a doubt. And the Cubs, naturally, everybody loves the Cubbies! Oh, and the Phillies! Ryan Howard had the flu? Can you believe that, somebody his size getting the flu? Wow... And ever since Joe Torre and Manny went to the Dodgers, there seems to have been some interest in that team. But from a reporting standpoint, the story is always in the American League; NL just can't win the series, the AL is too strong. Everybody that follows baseball knows that! I mean, just look at how many people watch Yankees/Red Sox every season!!!
TB: The NL has actually won two of the last three World Series, Mr Bodenheimer, the losing NL team in that span being the team I am associated with, the Colorado Rockies. What do you think of their recent play?
GB: The Rockies? Man, that Coors Field is a launching pad, isn't it? Yeah, the Rockies were a great story back in 2007, and we were there from the very start! As soon as they beat the Padres in that one-game playoff, they really became the story of the NL, and you saw it all on the Worldwide Leader in Sports!
TB: What do you think of their recent streak?
GB: (shaking head slowly) Well, it's too bad, really. They have a good ballclub out there. That Matt Holliday is a great hitter. I'm sure if the Rockies keep losing he'll find himself in Yankee pinstripes by August! That will be quite the story! "Holliday in the Bronx!" (laughs, then scribbles a note)
TB: Actually, the Rockies have the best record in the majors over the last month, sir, and Matt Holliday is playing in Oakland.
GB: Seriously? Wow, I had no idea he'd been sent to the minors! (scribbles another note)
TB: Oakland is a major league city, Mr Bodenheimer.
GB: Oakland, California?! Get outta here!!!
TB: Yes sir, right across the bay from San Francisco. They have uniforms and everything.
GB: San Francisco? That's where Joe Dimaggio played minor league ball, you know, before he came to New York. The Yankee Clipper. Married Marilyn Monroe, did you know that? Greatest Living Ballplayer, that man.
TB: Mr Bodenheimer, Joe Dimaggio is dead. The greatest living ballplayer is probably Stan Musial.
GB: Wow, great storyline! Who's this Musial fellow? Was he in the Negro Leagues?
TB: No, sir. He played in St Louis.
GB: St Louis, California? I guess I'll take your word for it. Too bad he never made it to the majors, if he was as great as you say. Was he better than, say, Jason Varitek?
TB: Um... well yes, he was.
GB: (visibly impressed) DANG!!! (scribbles another quick note)
TB: Mr Bodenheimer, may I list a few topics, and have you tell me what you think of them? I'm interested to hear what the Worldwide Leader in Sports thinks about some of these organizations and sports figures.
GB: Sure, fire away!
TB: Denver Broncos.
GB: Great, great football team. That Elway's a winner, I always said so. Orange doesn't look great on TV, though. They should go with red or black.
TB: New England Patriots.
GB: They really are the Red Sox of the NFL, you know? Everybody in the country just loves that team! I literally don't know a single person who doesn't love them.
TB: I see. Minnesota Twins.
GB: That's great. Twins! Like, anybody's going to be scared of twins! Make them the Minnesota Monsters, that would sell. But I don't really get involved with our coverage of college sports.
TB: Brett Favre.
GB: (flushed and visibly excited) I tell you, Brett Favre is like George Washington, Martin Luther King, Michael Jordan, and that one famous general guy... I can't think of his name. Anyway, like all of those guys wrapped into one, but with charisma! He's such a hero, and I mean a real American hero, like Curt Chilling or Brad Pitt. The camera loves him, and America loves him, too. I hope he never retires!
TB: Seattle Mariners.
GB: Sorry, can't help you there. Not really into boating.
TB: Tiger Woods.
GB: (no audible answer. Mr Bodenheimer sat for nearly two minutes with an odd look on his face, before eventually indicating he was ready for the next question)
TB: OK, here is a group for you: the Edmonton Oilers, Colorado Avalanche, Carolina Hurricanes, Phoenix Coyotes, Atlanta Thrashers, and Columbus Blue Jackets.
GB: (silent for a moment) Wow, you stumped me there. I'm guessing WNBA, but who knows what they're up to these days? Nobody would watch, no matter how many catchy commercials we made. I tell you, we pushed that league as hard as we could, because everybody loves basketball, but it never caught on. I told them after a few months that if they ever wanted to become a serious sport in this country, they'd have to get more white girls and show a lot more skin, but they didn't go for it. Luckily, poker came along, and people just love that sport!
TB: Very interesting. What will you cover when the poker fad dissipates?
GB: Oh, we've got it all lined up already. First, we're going to milk the poker thing as long as we can by going to all-chick poker, and I'm going to insist on bikinis. And after that, we move in with bikini billiards. That's gonna seriously kill. I mean, think about the camera angles, slow-motion replays... now that's a sport that can make people all across this great country, from New York to Cleveland, forget all about the Red Sox/Yankees storyline! All we've ever done is to totally revolutionize how sports are reported, and we're set to do it again with the Women's Billiards League! You should see the logo!
TB: I can picture it now. Best of luck with that, and thank you for your time, Mr Bodehheimer.
GB: It's always great to talk to you, Beard. I always learn something I didn't know. I'm gonna have our guys do one of those sad-music, pan-across-old-photos pieces about this Musial guy. If he's as good as you say he was, it's just sad to think the baseball world has completely forgotten about him. It's too bad sports fans have such a narrow viewpoint these days, isn't it?
TB: It certainly is.