Dozens Shocked by Schwarzenegger/Shriver Split

California - In news that surprised literally dozens of people worldwide, the marriage between bodybuilder/actor/politician Arnold Schwarzenegger and news reporter Maria Shriver appears to be over, the victim of infidelity. Schwarzenegger, it was revealed, fathered a child with a housekeeper over thirteen years ago, and kept it a secret from his family as he pursued the governorship of California.

I did not have sexual relations with that woman.Wait, which woman were you asking about again?

"I'm really shocked and saddened to hear that this storybook marriage has come to an end," said Sacramento resident Joanne Johnson, who claims to have met Schwarzenegger and his wife on more than one occasion. "Arnold was just the kindest man. I was at a fundraiser a few years back, and the governor was there. I stepped out to powder my nose, and sort of ran into Arnold in the hallway. He couldn't have been nicer, just a total gentleman."

"I was going through a pretty tough time then," Johnson explained. "I wasn't feeling too good about myself at the time, and I think he could tell. He pulled me aside, and told me that I had a really nice pair and a butt he could bounce a quarter off of, which I thought was just a very thoughtful thing to say."

"He really made my day," said Johnson.

California Senator Diane Feinstein expressed her surprise during an interview with CNN's Anderson Cooper earlier this week. "I can't believe it's true," said Senator Feinstein. "We had our differences politically, of course, but I never doubted the man's honesty. The man just could not lie to you, he was that sort of person."

Feinstein recalled one interaction she had with Schwarzenegger at a state function during his first year in office. "We were crowded around on the dais and I felt his hand against by backside. I turned to him and said 'Governor, please!' He looked me in the eye and said, 'I am sorry, it is a total accident, Diane. I have seen more ass than a toilet seat, and it will be a cold day in hell before I grope something as old and saggy as that.'"

"That's the sort of bold, unvarnished honesty everybody experienced when they dealt with Arnold," Feinstein explained. "I just have a hard time believing a straight shooter like that could have lied to his wife and family for so long."

Maria Shriver?

Among the other people - said to number from fifty to as many as the upper sixties - who were taken aback at the news was one-time costar Tom Arnold, who served as Schwarzenegger's comic relief in James Cameron's misogynistic masterpiece True Lies.


"Man, I tell ya, they were so tight, they were one of those couples that just looked right together, you know? Sometimes they were so in love it was hard to tell them apart," Arnold said excitedly. "True story: I was out having a beer not too long ago, and in walks Maria, kinda struts through the place the way she does, til she's like right behind me, and then she reaches one veiny arm around my waist and grabs my junk! Just grabs on and starts laughing! I was pretty thrilled about that, you know, despite the Skeletor thing. But then I turn around, and she pulled her hair off, and it turned out to be Arnie wearing a wig! I was still pretty excited, you know, but I mean, seriously! It was pretty sweet, we all laughed about it for a while."

At least one or possibly even two Hollywood insiders were also surprised at the news. "It really is a shock that Maria and Arnie's marriage ended because of something like this," said a well-known Hollywood reporter who asked that his name be withheld. "I mean, a huge movie star married to a Kennedy... I think I speak for at least eight or ten other people when I say, Who could have expected something like this?"

Stuff I bet you didn't know about Harmon Killebrew

Twins (and Senators) great Harmon Killebrew has passed away, a victim of cancer.

• When Killebrew retired in 1975, his 573 career home runs ranked him 5th on the list of all-time HR hitters, behind only Aaron, Ruth, Mays, and Robinson. (He is currently 11th.)
• Killebrew was the first (and one of only four) batter to hit a ball completely out of Tiger Stadium over the left-field roof.
• Killebrew hit 40 or more home runs in eight different seasons. Only Babe Ruth had more 40-HR seasons, with eleven. 
• Killebrew led the AL in home runs six times and in RBI three times. He also led the AL in walks four times. In 1969 (his only MVP season), he led the AL in all three categories.
• Killebrew was "discovered" by an Idaho senator, who told the Washington Senators' owner about a young man hitting .847 in an Idaho semi-pro league. When he debuted with the Senators at age 17, he was the youngest player in the majors.
• Killebrew claimed that his is the silhouette seen in the MLB logo. Judge for yourself:

• The Twins will wear their 1961 jerseys for every home game for the remainder of the 2011 season to honor Killebrew. The team has also encased a photo of Killebrew at bat beneath home plate at Target field.

RIP Killer!