Happy Holidays from Year of The Beard!

The Beard is taking his annual post-Christmas vacation, but he sends the following message:

"Dearest Readers, Hello! It is I, The Beard. I hope you have all enjoyed a safe and relaxing Christmas (or whichever solstice-based holiday you celebrate), and are looking forward to the New Year! I am writing you from the guest house at the North Pole. Mr. and Mrs. Claus are fantastic hosts, and I am feeling quite relaxed after our busy week.

It should come as no surprise to our regular readers that I lend a helping hand (so to speak) to one of the bearded greats of your planet, Saint Nicholas. Although he and his staff of professionals do the bulk of the work (and, I must be clear, deserve all of the credit!) throughout the year to prepare for Christmas Day, I pop in about the 23rd each year to help with the final push, and then we all take a well-deserved vacation until mid-January.

About 70 years ago, Mrs. Claus confided in me that although he still enjoyed the work, the Big Night itself was starting to get away from Nicholas. He really takes on a great deal of responsibility, when you think about it: an entire year of planning, toy making, reindeer husbandry, and Naughty/Nice list creation and maintenance (which in and of itself is a full-time job) was wearing the guy down, and by the night of the 24th -- when he really needs to bring his "A" game -- the poor man was just exhausted.

The Christmas Night of 1938 was the tipping point that led Mrs. Claus to reach out to me. It actually took him about 34 hours to complete his deliveries that night... kids in Central Europe didn't get their gifts until after noon on Christmas Day, creating widespread grumpiness in that region. It was an embarrassing day for Nicholas that he still doesn't like to talk about. So when when Mrs. Claus contacted me, I immediately offered Beardly assistance which was quickly accepted. Since then, we have trimmed the night to just under 20 hours worth of work... pretty good when one considers that the Nice list is nearly 50% longer than it was back then!

So to make a long story short, I'm sitting here by the pool at the Claus home, a modest little place but with all the amenities of the finest resort hotels in the galaxy. Your planet really needs to open your eyes to the notion of cold-weather resorts, but that's a topic for another day. I am reminded, however, of how good it always feels to unwind right about now after a year's worth of hard work, and I hope you all are doing the same."

Happy Holidays from Year of The Beard!

Ask The Beard!

Hello and happy holidays from Year of The Beard! Today we see the return of one of our most popular features, "Ask The Beard." In this feature, The Beard will take your questions on any subject, and answer them with omnipotent wisdom as only he can. And now, on your the first question...

Dear Beard: 
The Denver Broncos recently fired their head coach, Josh McDaniels. What do you think of this move, and what lies ahead for the Broncos?
Mike S., Washington D.C.

Hello Mike, and thank you for your question. There are many fans who believe that Josh McDaniels should never have been fired from his head coaching position with the Broncos, because he never should have been hired as head coach in the first place. I, The Beard, will not comment on the wisdom of his hiring, but this man was destined to be fired. He is not beard-worthy, and it showed. He clearly has a bit of a knack with offensive football, but as soon as he wore his hoodie to his first press conference, the writing was on the wall. McDaniels was a cocky, confident guy who wanted to do things his own way, except that his own way was exactly like the New England Patriots' way, minus the winning.

The lesson here is that if you're going to stomp on team tradition, run every talented player on the roster out of town, irritate the fans with your attitude, and then get caught cheating, you damn well better win some football games. He will find a job as an offensive coordinator before the next season starts, but he made such a botch of his first head coaching opportunity that it may be some time before he gets another one. As for the Broncos, it may take a while to undo the damage that was done to the team both on and off the field, but they can rest assured that almost any new hire will be better received by the team's fans than McDaniels was.

Hey Beard,
What do you think of the Rockies' offseason moves so far? Have they gotten any better?
Thanks, Jim T.

Greetings, Jim, and thanks for your question! The Rockies have not made any earth-shattering changes to their team, but some of the moves they have made will be signifigant. In the infield, Barmes was traded, and Mora and Giambi will not be re-signed. Barmes is a great defensive player and a long-time favorite of The Beard, but with a bat in his hand he was a black hole in the lineup, and a new start in Houston might be the right move for all involved. All the best to Barmes. The only problem with Melvin Mora was that he was brought in as a utility infielder, and it turned out he could only really play at third. This, coupled with Giambi's lack of defensive flexibility, severely handcuffed the Rockies' bench. Essentially replacing these two with Lopez and Wiggington should be a positive move. Lopez could challenge for the starting 2B spot, which may help to keep EYJr in Colorado Springs where he belongs.

Tulo pondering the importance of zeros.

The biggest news in the Rockies'offseason was the re-signing of players they already had, but these moves should not be overlooked. Tulowitzki is, essentially, a Rockies player for life and a bazillionaire; and the somewhat surprising return of De La Rosa is key to the rotation. Although many across the nation have questioned the wisdom of signing Tulowitzki long-term, I believe this is a very positive move for the Rockies. People don't just pay to see good baseball, they pay to see "their" guys play good baseball. The fact that Tulowitzki will be playing at Coors Field for years to come will sell untold amount of tickets, and I'm sure the Rockies see it as a good investment even if Tulo does not hit 40 home runs a season until he's 35.

Were there any bad moves this offseason? Well, letting Olivo go may prove to be a costly mistake. The Rockies don't really have anybody to back up Iannetta, who it seems will be given his third second chance to win the starting catcher job. Olivo showed last year why he's been on six different teams: he tore it up in the first half, and totally stank in the second half. Still, it may prove disastrous for the Rockies to put all their eggs in one basket, no matter how cute Mrs Beard thinks that basket is.

The final offseason acquisition for the Rockies may be the most important: a new hitting coach. The Rockies the last two years were a frustrating team to watch at the plate, and a new philosophy should help certain players immensely.

Tebow practices, observed by a creepy bystander.

Dear The Beard,
Will Tim Tebow ever be an NFL quarterback?
Kyle O., Denver

Thank you for your question, Kyle. The answer is "no." Tebow was being coached by a guy considered an offensive genius, and that genius saw fit to give Tebow but two plays: "Run to the left," and very rarely, "Pretend to run to the left, and maybe throw instead." When a QB's only pass play is designed based on the fact that the defense knows he never, ever passes, it is not a good sign. Like 90% of Heisman-winning QBs, Tebow will fade into obscurity a very wealthy young man.

Hey Beard,
I'm having car trouble. I'll be driving around, and the battery light on my dashboard comes on. If I thump the alternator with a hammer, the light goes off and I can drive around for a bit longer. Do I need a new alternator?
Guy With Hammer in Fort Collins

Hello there Guy, and thanks for writing. Your issue is definitely with your alternator, and a new one should fix the problem. However, if you are handy with tools other than hammers, you may be able to fix your current alternator (Ha ha! Made a little joke there. -TB) and save quite a bit of money.

If you remove the alternator and take it apart, you will see two spring-loaded little doohickeys, which are called "brushes," in contact with the central rotating hub of the alternator. These are the contacts which pick up the electrical current generated by the alternator and send it to the vehicle. Because they rub against the rotating alternator, they wear down over time, as they are designed to do. Nine times out of ten, all that needs to be done to repair a faulty alternator is to replace these brushes. They will cost you about five dollars, and take about half an hour and a soldering iron to install. Reinstall the alternator into the vehicle, and you should be up and running, and you can put the hammer back in the toolbox.

THE BEARD HAS SPOKEN!

Rapid Robert

Hello, friends! It is I, Ryan Spilborghs' Beard! Alas, I have not returned from the depths of the universe with good news. Although I do intend to touch base very soon with some thoughts about the Rockies' offseason moves, I'm afraid today's update is a sad reminder of how rarely sports heroes and true heroes intersect, and how few of those rare people we have left among us.



Bob Feller, 92, moved to hospice care.

Thank you, Bob Feller. At age 17, you struck out 17 batters in a single game. You won 20 games in a season before your 21st birthday. You struck out 348 batters in a single season. You could throw a baseball faster than a speeding motorcycle. Oh, and on December 8, 1941, practically before FDR had breathed the words "live in infamy," you had abandoned perhaps the most promising pitching career in baseball history and had signed up for service in the US Navy, where you won eight battle stars before you returned to baseball and a grateful country.



May your final days be comfortable, and filled with love and joy.