Opening Day! Callooh! Callay!

Welcome, Dear Reader(s), to another baseball season at Year of The Beard! I, Ryan Spilborghs' Beard, am pleased to be back, and am very much looking forward to the 2011 baseball season.

I have spent the last few weeks at the Rockies' new home in Scottsdale. As the Rockies begin the process of getting into shape for the regular season, I was in the process of preparing their beardliness, in order to channel as much greatness to the team as possible.

Even as an omniscient Beard, I hesitate to put too much emphasis on spring training results. I have seen plenty of teams have tremendous springs, only to fall flat on their faces once the games count. However, there have been some very positive things to note about the Rockies this spring; I hope you will allow me to relay them to you now.

INJURIES

Cook injured himself posing for this photo.

Rarely does a team make it through Spring Training without some sort of injury, and the Rockies this year are no exception. However, the Rockies' injury situation as they enter the regular season is very positive. There were only two injuries to speak of: suddenly-snakebit Aaron Cook broke his finger, throwing wide-open the competition for the fifth spot in the rotation; and Ian Stewart injured his knee in the first game in a collision with Carlos Gonzalez. Cook will likely miss a good portion of the season, but Stewart may be ready for Opening Day.

All things considered, however, the Rockies lineup looks pretty healthy. With the team's tendency to get off to slow starts (to be kind) in everybody's mind, having their full lineup ready to go on April 1st could be a key to the season.

ROTATION

Even before Cook's injury, the competition for the fifth spot in the rotation was going to be a central theme for this year's spring training. With Ubaldo written in pen as the #1 starter, DLR, Chacin, and Hammel pretty solidly set as the #2-4 guys, the fifth spot this year was a refreshing competition for the guy who pitched the best, not merely the guy who pitched the least-worst. Too often in the Rockies' history have the bottom spots in the rotation gone to the guys who simply pitched well enough to not get cut... but this year, somebody actually won the fifth spot: Esmil Rodgers. 

In 2010, Jhoulys Chacin set the NL record for most times mispronounced.

The Rockies' rotation still does not get much respect nation-wide, and I suppose that they must earn it. While they do not match up with the Phillies or the Giants, the Rockies have a very solid rotation, with five guys who could pretty easily all win ten games, and three that should top fifteen wins. Jhoulys Chacin may very well be a star in the making, folks... keep an eye on him.

LINEUP

I consider it a sign of a very good team when there are no real battles for the starting lineup spots. The Rockies came into spring with pretty much every defensive position set except second base, and that's how they leave spring training.

Second base is still a question, but I have the feeling that both Jonathan Herrera and Jose Lopez will see about equal playing time there. It is a good mix there: Herrera a slick fielding contact hitter and Lopez an adequate defender with plenty of power.

First base will see the return of Todd Helton. A drastically different approach to his back problems has seen Helton have a very good spring. The question is whether that back will hold up... when in previous years Helton pampered it, this year he is working it hard. He may run a greater risk of hurting his back, but then again, he may just strengthen it enough to return to the form we saw in 2009, where he proved that a healthy Todd Helton is still one of the very best hitters in the NL.

Shortstop is, of course, manned by the Rockies' star, Troy Tulowitzki. The only question with Tulo, it seems, is whether he will stay healthy. If he does, there is no limit to what Tulo can do.

Third base is a question mark, not based on who will play there, but on what he will do. Ian Stewart has tons of potential and as much power as anybody in the NL West, but everyone seems frustrated that he has not realized that potential. This is likely Stewart's make-or-break season: realize even a portion of his massive potential (both at the plate and in the field), and he's an All-Star and the Rockies are legitimate contenders... come up short, and he may find himself platooning with Wigginton, or even on the trading block. His injury in the first spring training game makes it tough to judge just where he's at, but I'm sure we will find out soon.

Spilly and me, together again.

The outfield is set, with Dexter Fowler in center, Carlos Gonzalez in left, and Seth Smith/Ryan Spilborghs in right. Smith in RF poses a similar question as does Stewart at 3B: last season, Smith wanted (and earned) a starting job, and then promptly folded once it was given to him. If Smith can demonstrate that last year was a fluke, the Rockies will have a very good outfield. If not, Smith could find himself on the trading block by mid-season.

Catcher was not a question going into spring training, but that didn't stop people from stressing out about it. Chris Ianetta has a great eye and is as strong as an ox, but he seems to have confidence problems and is prone to hellacious slumps at the plate. Without the safety net of a veteran catcher, Iannetta also has a sink-or-swim opportunity in front of him this season.

A pic of Iannetta, added for Mrs. Beard's benefit.

Ty Wigginton will be what the Rockies hoped Melvin Mora would be last season: a professional bat who can hold his own at various spots on the field. Jason Giambi returns for his limited role as an NL designated hitter. And with Herrera/Lopez and Spilborghs/Smith on the bench, the Rockies have some power when they need it in the late innings.

The commitment to keep Giambi on the roster, coupled with the likely platoon at 2B, creates a problem regarding the one big surprise in spring training this year: "Invite him to ST as a favor" CF Willy Tavares had a fantastic, Beard-worthy spring, and could really bring some versatility to the Rockies' lineup. To have his sort of speed on the bench, plus the sort of small-ball bat that the team largely lacks, would be a huge benefit... but the team has committed to so many infielders that there's no spot for Tavares. For Taveras' sake, I hope the Rockies can either trade him or release him, because after the spring he had, he should be on a MLB roster. But for the Rockies' sake, I hope he reports to Colorado Springs, and waits patiently for the Rockies to call him up.

BULLPEN

Anybody who says they can guess what a bullpen will be like during the season based on what they see in spring training is a liar. Bullpens are weird: they are often much more than the sum of their parts, and just as often they are much less. But for what it's worth, the Rockies have some good parts out there. When Matt Daley doesn't make the roster, there's some depth out there. Huston Street seems healthy, and they have at least three other closer-quality arms out there: Morales, Lidstrom, and Belisle. With Paulino, Reynolds, and Betancourt rounding things out, the pieces are all there for a very successful bullpen.

So there you have it, friends. Winter is over. Go Rockies!

Charlie Sheen's Career Found Dead

Sheen's Career in Healthier Days.

Los Angeles - Charlie Sheen's career was found dead Monday at the age of 27, an apparent homicide. "It's too early to say anything definitively," said Los Angeles Police Department detective Frank Drebin, "but the lab boys think there may have been tiger blood in its veins."

Sheen's career had been displaying signs of manic depression in recent weeks. A month ago, Sheen was the highest-paid performer on television for his role on Two and A Half Men. Today, his career lies dead, its face melted off and its children weeping over its exploded body.

The LAPD homicide division has been assigned to the case, and suspects that Sheen, 45, had own career hunted down and killed. "It looks like a hit to me," remarked Drebin. "We have collected statements by neighbors who have told us that Sheen's career was desperate to get back on track, and was planning to beg for a part in Oliver Stone's upcoming project, but that Sheen was dead-set against it."

"He almost made it," remarked Drebin at the crime scene, less than a hundred yards from Stone's Hollywood office. "But that Charlie Sheen is a high priest assassin warlock."

"Charlie and his career had been at odds for some time," said Sheen's father, Martin Sheen, "and I think his career had just had enough. There's only so much abuse a career can take."

Actor/director Emilio Estevez, Charlie Sheen's older brother, added, "Charlie's career had hit rock bottom. It called me right around Thanksgiving, begging me to find a role for it in a new Mighty Ducks movie. That's when I knew things were a lot worse than we thought."

When asked how Sheen's career could have been at such a desperate point despite Sheen's nearly $2 million salary per episode for his hit TV series, Estevez replied, "Charlie was basically just slutting himself out on Two And A Half Men, and that was hard for his career to deal with. Charlie raked in the cash, but his career was really just miserable. Shit, that show was on for what, eight years? It's supposed to be a sitcom, and I've laughed at it maybe ten times. Ever. To go from Spin City to that would be hard for any career, even mine."

"It's sad, it really is," added the elder Sheen. "I mean, he was in Platoon. We were in Wall Street together. His lines from Major League will be quoted for a hundred years in baseball parks everywhere. And to go from that to this... it's a career cut far too short."

"It's not as if nobody saw this coming," said noted TV know-it-all Dr. Phil. "There were many instances in the last year or so that could be seen as calls for help," explained Dr. Phil. "Sheen's career's struggles to survive despite Sheen's repeated attempts to destroy it were stressful on both of them, and in a relationship like that, sooner or later one of them is going to win, and the other will end up dead. Charlie Sheen is the winner here."

When asked by TMZ how he would continue with his career now deceased, Charlie Sheen reportedly answered, "Yeah, I killed it. I killed it with a swollen torpedo of truth, man. I deployed my ordnance, and it was radical. Career? Who needs it? My career was nothing without me. I've been turning this crap into gold for years, man, and for what? Millions of dollars a week? A mansion on every continent with hot and cold crack dispensers in every room? Porn stars up to here? Don't need it. Never did. All I need's right here," Sheen said, gesturing towards an empty spot of air apparently about eight feet above his shoulder. Sheen then conversed with this empty spot for the next thirty-seven minutes in a language he described as "extraterrestrial hieroglyphics," until the interviewer grew uncomfortable and left.