Charlie Sheen's Career Found Dead

Sheen's Career in Healthier Days.

Los Angeles - Charlie Sheen's career was found dead Monday at the age of 27, an apparent homicide. "It's too early to say anything definitively," said Los Angeles Police Department detective Frank Drebin, "but the lab boys think there may have been tiger blood in its veins."

Sheen's career had been displaying signs of manic depression in recent weeks. A month ago, Sheen was the highest-paid performer on television for his role on Two and A Half Men. Today, his career lies dead, its face melted off and its children weeping over its exploded body.

The LAPD homicide division has been assigned to the case, and suspects that Sheen, 45, had own career hunted down and killed. "It looks like a hit to me," remarked Drebin. "We have collected statements by neighbors who have told us that Sheen's career was desperate to get back on track, and was planning to beg for a part in Oliver Stone's upcoming project, but that Sheen was dead-set against it."

"He almost made it," remarked Drebin at the crime scene, less than a hundred yards from Stone's Hollywood office. "But that Charlie Sheen is a high priest assassin warlock."

"Charlie and his career had been at odds for some time," said Sheen's father, Martin Sheen, "and I think his career had just had enough. There's only so much abuse a career can take."

Actor/director Emilio Estevez, Charlie Sheen's older brother, added, "Charlie's career had hit rock bottom. It called me right around Thanksgiving, begging me to find a role for it in a new Mighty Ducks movie. That's when I knew things were a lot worse than we thought."

When asked how Sheen's career could have been at such a desperate point despite Sheen's nearly $2 million salary per episode for his hit TV series, Estevez replied, "Charlie was basically just slutting himself out on Two And A Half Men, and that was hard for his career to deal with. Charlie raked in the cash, but his career was really just miserable. Shit, that show was on for what, eight years? It's supposed to be a sitcom, and I've laughed at it maybe ten times. Ever. To go from Spin City to that would be hard for any career, even mine."

"It's sad, it really is," added the elder Sheen. "I mean, he was in Platoon. We were in Wall Street together. His lines from Major League will be quoted for a hundred years in baseball parks everywhere. And to go from that to this... it's a career cut far too short."

"It's not as if nobody saw this coming," said noted TV know-it-all Dr. Phil. "There were many instances in the last year or so that could be seen as calls for help," explained Dr. Phil. "Sheen's career's struggles to survive despite Sheen's repeated attempts to destroy it were stressful on both of them, and in a relationship like that, sooner or later one of them is going to win, and the other will end up dead. Charlie Sheen is the winner here."

When asked by TMZ how he would continue with his career now deceased, Charlie Sheen reportedly answered, "Yeah, I killed it. I killed it with a swollen torpedo of truth, man. I deployed my ordnance, and it was radical. Career? Who needs it? My career was nothing without me. I've been turning this crap into gold for years, man, and for what? Millions of dollars a week? A mansion on every continent with hot and cold crack dispensers in every room? Porn stars up to here? Don't need it. Never did. All I need's right here," Sheen said, gesturing towards an empty spot of air apparently about eight feet above his shoulder. Sheen then conversed with this empty spot for the next thirty-seven minutes in a language he described as "extraterrestrial hieroglyphics," until the interviewer grew uncomfortable and left.