Happy Holidays from Year of The Beard!

The Beard is taking his annual post-Christmas vacation, but he sends the following message:

"Dearest Readers, Hello! It is I, The Beard. I hope you have all enjoyed a safe and relaxing Christmas (or whichever solstice-based holiday you celebrate), and are looking forward to the New Year! I am writing you from the guest house at the North Pole. Mr. and Mrs. Claus are fantastic hosts, and I am feeling quite relaxed after our busy week.

It should come as no surprise to our regular readers that I lend a helping hand (so to speak) to one of the bearded greats of your planet, Saint Nicholas. Although he and his staff of professionals do the bulk of the work (and, I must be clear, deserve all of the credit!) throughout the year to prepare for Christmas Day, I pop in about the 23rd each year to help with the final push, and then we all take a well-deserved vacation until mid-January.

About 70 years ago, Mrs. Claus confided in me that although he still enjoyed the work, the Big Night itself was starting to get away from Nicholas. He really takes on a great deal of responsibility, when you think about it: an entire year of planning, toy making, reindeer husbandry, and Naughty/Nice list creation and maintenance (which in and of itself is a full-time job) was wearing the guy down, and by the night of the 24th -- when he really needs to bring his "A" game -- the poor man was just exhausted.

The Christmas Night of 1938 was the tipping point that led Mrs. Claus to reach out to me. It actually took him about 34 hours to complete his deliveries that night... kids in Central Europe didn't get their gifts until after noon on Christmas Day, creating widespread grumpiness in that region. It was an embarrassing day for Nicholas that he still doesn't like to talk about. So when when Mrs. Claus contacted me, I immediately offered Beardly assistance which was quickly accepted. Since then, we have trimmed the night to just under 20 hours worth of work... pretty good when one considers that the Nice list is nearly 50% longer than it was back then!

So to make a long story short, I'm sitting here by the pool at the Claus home, a modest little place but with all the amenities of the finest resort hotels in the galaxy. Your planet really needs to open your eyes to the notion of cold-weather resorts, but that's a topic for another day. I am reminded, however, of how good it always feels to unwind right about now after a year's worth of hard work, and I hope you all are doing the same."

Happy Holidays from Year of The Beard!

Ask The Beard!

Hello and happy holidays from Year of The Beard! Today we see the return of one of our most popular features, "Ask The Beard." In this feature, The Beard will take your questions on any subject, and answer them with omnipotent wisdom as only he can. And now, on your the first question...

Dear Beard: 
The Denver Broncos recently fired their head coach, Josh McDaniels. What do you think of this move, and what lies ahead for the Broncos?
Mike S., Washington D.C.

Hello Mike, and thank you for your question. There are many fans who believe that Josh McDaniels should never have been fired from his head coaching position with the Broncos, because he never should have been hired as head coach in the first place. I, The Beard, will not comment on the wisdom of his hiring, but this man was destined to be fired. He is not beard-worthy, and it showed. He clearly has a bit of a knack with offensive football, but as soon as he wore his hoodie to his first press conference, the writing was on the wall. McDaniels was a cocky, confident guy who wanted to do things his own way, except that his own way was exactly like the New England Patriots' way, minus the winning.

The lesson here is that if you're going to stomp on team tradition, run every talented player on the roster out of town, irritate the fans with your attitude, and then get caught cheating, you damn well better win some football games. He will find a job as an offensive coordinator before the next season starts, but he made such a botch of his first head coaching opportunity that it may be some time before he gets another one. As for the Broncos, it may take a while to undo the damage that was done to the team both on and off the field, but they can rest assured that almost any new hire will be better received by the team's fans than McDaniels was.

Hey Beard,
What do you think of the Rockies' offseason moves so far? Have they gotten any better?
Thanks, Jim T.

Greetings, Jim, and thanks for your question! The Rockies have not made any earth-shattering changes to their team, but some of the moves they have made will be signifigant. In the infield, Barmes was traded, and Mora and Giambi will not be re-signed. Barmes is a great defensive player and a long-time favorite of The Beard, but with a bat in his hand he was a black hole in the lineup, and a new start in Houston might be the right move for all involved. All the best to Barmes. The only problem with Melvin Mora was that he was brought in as a utility infielder, and it turned out he could only really play at third. This, coupled with Giambi's lack of defensive flexibility, severely handcuffed the Rockies' bench. Essentially replacing these two with Lopez and Wiggington should be a positive move. Lopez could challenge for the starting 2B spot, which may help to keep EYJr in Colorado Springs where he belongs.

Tulo pondering the importance of zeros.

The biggest news in the Rockies'offseason was the re-signing of players they already had, but these moves should not be overlooked. Tulowitzki is, essentially, a Rockies player for life and a bazillionaire; and the somewhat surprising return of De La Rosa is key to the rotation. Although many across the nation have questioned the wisdom of signing Tulowitzki long-term, I believe this is a very positive move for the Rockies. People don't just pay to see good baseball, they pay to see "their" guys play good baseball. The fact that Tulowitzki will be playing at Coors Field for years to come will sell untold amount of tickets, and I'm sure the Rockies see it as a good investment even if Tulo does not hit 40 home runs a season until he's 35.

Were there any bad moves this offseason? Well, letting Olivo go may prove to be a costly mistake. The Rockies don't really have anybody to back up Iannetta, who it seems will be given his third second chance to win the starting catcher job. Olivo showed last year why he's been on six different teams: he tore it up in the first half, and totally stank in the second half. Still, it may prove disastrous for the Rockies to put all their eggs in one basket, no matter how cute Mrs Beard thinks that basket is.

The final offseason acquisition for the Rockies may be the most important: a new hitting coach. The Rockies the last two years were a frustrating team to watch at the plate, and a new philosophy should help certain players immensely.

Tebow practices, observed by a creepy bystander.

Dear The Beard,
Will Tim Tebow ever be an NFL quarterback?
Kyle O., Denver

Thank you for your question, Kyle. The answer is "no." Tebow was being coached by a guy considered an offensive genius, and that genius saw fit to give Tebow but two plays: "Run to the left," and very rarely, "Pretend to run to the left, and maybe throw instead." When a QB's only pass play is designed based on the fact that the defense knows he never, ever passes, it is not a good sign. Like 90% of Heisman-winning QBs, Tebow will fade into obscurity a very wealthy young man.

Hey Beard,
I'm having car trouble. I'll be driving around, and the battery light on my dashboard comes on. If I thump the alternator with a hammer, the light goes off and I can drive around for a bit longer. Do I need a new alternator?
Guy With Hammer in Fort Collins

Hello there Guy, and thanks for writing. Your issue is definitely with your alternator, and a new one should fix the problem. However, if you are handy with tools other than hammers, you may be able to fix your current alternator (Ha ha! Made a little joke there. -TB) and save quite a bit of money.

If you remove the alternator and take it apart, you will see two spring-loaded little doohickeys, which are called "brushes," in contact with the central rotating hub of the alternator. These are the contacts which pick up the electrical current generated by the alternator and send it to the vehicle. Because they rub against the rotating alternator, they wear down over time, as they are designed to do. Nine times out of ten, all that needs to be done to repair a faulty alternator is to replace these brushes. They will cost you about five dollars, and take about half an hour and a soldering iron to install. Reinstall the alternator into the vehicle, and you should be up and running, and you can put the hammer back in the toolbox.

THE BEARD HAS SPOKEN!

Rapid Robert

Hello, friends! It is I, Ryan Spilborghs' Beard! Alas, I have not returned from the depths of the universe with good news. Although I do intend to touch base very soon with some thoughts about the Rockies' offseason moves, I'm afraid today's update is a sad reminder of how rarely sports heroes and true heroes intersect, and how few of those rare people we have left among us.



Bob Feller, 92, moved to hospice care.

Thank you, Bob Feller. At age 17, you struck out 17 batters in a single game. You won 20 games in a season before your 21st birthday. You struck out 348 batters in a single season. You could throw a baseball faster than a speeding motorcycle. Oh, and on December 8, 1941, practically before FDR had breathed the words "live in infamy," you had abandoned perhaps the most promising pitching career in baseball history and had signed up for service in the US Navy, where you won eight battle stars before you returned to baseball and a grateful country.



May your final days be comfortable, and filled with love and joy.

Josh McDaniels: Classiest Coach On the Field.

A note to KC Chefs coach Todd Haley: when you are pictured in a photo with Broncos coach Josh McDaniels, and McDaniels is the second-biggest jackass in the photo, you have really accomplished something. Kudos to you!

Coach Haley scolds a homeless man for running onto the field.

Beard Retreats from Galaxy, Vows Revenge

The False Idol

Bad news, friends. Following the Giants' World Series victory, Ryan Spilborghs' Beard has left our galaxy for the year. He was last seen shuffling past Neptune, mumbling something about Giants closer Brian Wilson "making a mockery of the universe." He was also heard to say that "next year, the Rockies are going to shove (unintelligible) straight up their asses!" before disappearing in a multicolored flash of light.

While this might seem to be bad news, it's pretty much par for the course as far as The Beard is concerned. Perhaps a bit negative for him, but pretty standard November behavior nonetheless. The Beard has always lost interest in our neck of the universe right about the time baseball season ends. Not that I blame him... the sun goes away, it gets cold, leaves start to fall, people are so desperate for sports that they actually start watching basketball... it's really just a miserable time of year, and The Beard chooses to spend the offseason in other locales. Who wouldn't?

We can't feel as if The Beard has abandoned us, we should be grateful that he spends so much time with us in the first place! We should not be greedy. The Beard does not belong to us. We must simply trust that he will return with the spring.

Not that there aren't some positives about fall and winter (hockey, warm alcoholic beverages, falling asleep on the couch halfway through the Lions game on Thanksgiving day), but for the most part, we here on planet Earth spend the bulk of winter remembering how awesome it will be when spring and summer get here. I think this is why baseball fans -- even Pirates and Orioles faithful -- get so excited about Spring Training: the winter makes us forget anything bad that might have happened last summer, and brings to mind only the warmth and good that lies ahead.

So bring it on, Winter! Do your worst!

The Beard Chimes in on the MLB Playoffs

Hello, dearest readers! As we all know, the Rockies season is over. An extremely disappointing end of the season for Rockies fans, but now is not the time to discuss the Rockies. That time is a few weeks away, when the World Series is over, the snow is falling, and there is literally nothing better to do than to discuss what may or may not happen a few months from now when life begins again. Right now, though, as baseball fans, we still have plenty to talk about. So today, I am phoning in my opinions on the playoff series as they now stand.

Texas Rangers 2-0 over Tampa Rays

Many seem surprised that the Rangers jumped all over the Rays in Tampa, and are headed back to Texas up two games to none in the best-of-five Division Series. Not me, I saw this one coming and am not surprised at all. First of all, the Rangers can hit the ball. And by "hit," I mean "beat the ever-living crap out of." They are 2nd in the majors in batting average, 5th in on-base percentage, 6th in total bases, and 27th in strikeouts. Vlad Guerrero -- always one of The Beard's favorite players -- looks reborn in Texas, and it's finally time for The Beard to admit that Josh Hamilton is one of the most talented baseball players he's ever seen. This team absolutely mashes the ball, and they will be hard to beat without a stellar pitching performance.

Second, many baseball fans go on and on about Tampa winning the AL East, The Toughest Division In Baseball, and just assume that a team that can win that division must be nigh unbeatable. But the AL East myth just has to die one of these days, and perhaps the day the Rangers sweep the Rays will be that day. Yes, there are some good teams in the AL East. Yeah, the Rays are a damn good team, good enough to edge out the Yankees... but overall, there are some pretty mediocre teams in the AL, and everybody gets to beat up on them, AL East included. Winning the AL East doesn't make the Rays one bit stronger than the teams that won the other divisions in the AL... or the NL, for that matter.

New York Yankees 2-0 over Minnesota Twins

This one does surprise me a little bit, but maybe it shouldn't have. The Yankees are the wild card team, edged by the Rays on the last couple days of the season. The Twins, playing outside for the first time in decades, had a great season. However, they finished the year with a whimper, going 2-8 over their final ten games, and now must win two in Pretend Yankee Stadium to get the series back home for a 5th game.

Can they do it? Not if they keep going into the 9th needing runs to catch up. Mariano Rivera, at age 40, is just an astoundingly good pitcher. How, exactly, does he do it? He throws one pitch! Throws it in the same exact place every time! Nobody can hit it! Nobody's been able to hit it for fifteen years! It's like a magic trick, but it's a trick he shows you how he's doing it, but you still can't figure it out. Rivera is the MVP of all time as far as I am concerned. All that money that Steinbrenner (may he burn in hell) spent on that team wouldn't have meant squat without Rivera. He's that good.


Philadelphia Phillies 2-0 over Cincinnati Reds

Roy Halladay waits twelve years to pitch in the postseason, and when he finally gets the chance, he throws a no-hitter. The Cincinnati Reds wait 15 years to make it to the postseason, and the day after getting no-hit, they get a lead on the Phillies and then promptly fumble it away. The Phillies are a great team. The Reds are an up-and-coming team and they might win a game in this series, but they just don't have what it takes to hang with the Phillies.

On a side note, though, it's sad when a team as good as the Phillies has to lie to win a game. In game two, Chase Utley pretended to get hit by a pitch, and went to first. The ump did not stop him. I'm tired of hearing the "a batter's job is to get to first base in any way possible" arguments to justify stuff like this. Utley is a liar, and not only should he not have gone to first, but when he started trotting out there, he should have been ejected from the game. Bad karma, Philly.

Atlanta Braves 1-1 vs. San Francisco Giants

Speaking of bad karma, we come to the Giants. Right before the Giants (only 1.5 games ahead of the Rockies) came to Coors Field in late September for one of the biggest series of the season, they promptly complained to MLB about the Rockies' use of the humidor, accusing them of cheating by swapping in non-humidored baseballs when the Rockies were at bat late in games. The Rockies proceeded to lose two of three to the Giants, and nine of their next ten games overall, to fall completely out of the playoff chase. Whether this accusation affected the Rockies and facilitated their nosedive to end the season (they'd already been swept by the D-backs before the SF series started) is tough to say, but points to the Giants for some well-timed gamesmanship.

However, when a team can accuse another of cheating with ABSOLUTELY no proof, and the league actually agrees with them, that's a sad state of affairs, and it should bring mega-bad karma to the Giants... and to MLB for that matter. There should never have been a change of rules mid-season (to say nothing of right before one of the biggest series of the season), and any change of procedure such as this one should have been aimed at all teams, not just the Rockies. So, while I typically pull for NL West teams in the postseason, I am counting on karma to swing around big-time and kick the Giants in the ass, and it might have started last night.

Looking like jack-o-lanterns, the Giants were up 4-0, cruising through five innings. They helped the Braves get a run in the 6th on an error, and the Braves then tied the game against the typically solid Giants bullpen by scoring three in the 8th, aided by another Giants error. Rick Ankiel -- making a long-overdue withdrawal from the postseason karma bank -- absolutely crushes an 11th inning pitch into the bay, and the Giants go quietly in the bottom of the inning to give the Braves the win. Watch out, Giants. The Braves are not a great team, but they didn't make the playoffs by spreading shady, unfounded rumors about their competition, either.

End Of The Regular Season

Sigh.

A Few Predictions from The Beard

Hello my dearest readers! Time for a few predictions. "What?!?" I hear you say. "Doesn't The Beard HATE predictions? Doesn't he consider them useless and silly filler for newspapers/web sites?" You are absolutely correct, The Beard thinks predictions are stupid. What are especially useless are preseason predictions. My preseason predictions usually go like this (and I am 100% correct every single year): most teams expected to be good will be good. Most teams expected to be average will be average, and most teams expected to be bad will be bad. Some teams will surprise us one way or another. END PREDICTION.

However, the Rockies find themselves this morning 2.5 games back in both the NL West and Wild Card standings, and while not necessarily a prediction, one can take a look at the standings, and the teams involved, and see a couple of routes the Rockies can take to make the postseason for the third time in four years.

NL WEST

The NL West is currently led by the San Francisco Giants, playing very good baseball. Half a game back are the San Diego Padres, not playing very good baseball. 2.5 games back are the Rockies, playing very good baseball. I will not predict the winner of the NL West, but I predict it will not be the San Diego Padres.

The Padres have had a great season, but it's been held together with pitching. Young pitching. Young pitching wears down at the ends of seasons, and that's what we are seeing here, as the Padres have struggled mightily, and unless the Padres suddenly, after five months, begin to hit, they will play .500 ball for the rest of the year. Sandwiched between two surging teams, .500 ball won't cut it, and the Padres will finish 2nd or 3rd place in the NL West, despite being at or near the top spot for the bulk of the year.

I will also predict that the 4th-place Dodgers, useless in every way since the All-Star break, will become relevant. One way or another, the Dodgers will be the deciding factor on who finishes 2nd in the division. LA has six games remaining with Colorado, and three with San Diego... at the end of the season, those nine games will have determined a great deal.


NL WILD CARD

With the Phillies surging ahead in the NL East, the Atlanta Braves lead the Wild Card chase, with San Diego half a game back and the Rockies 2.5 games behind. Like the Padres, the Braves are struggling lately, and they seem determined to not only let the NL East slip away, but the Wild Card also. I will not predict the winner of the Wild Card postseason spot, but I will predict that the Braves will be lucky to win it. With six games remaining against the Phillies, Atlanta will have a rough road ahead of them to hold off the surging Rockies & Giants, along with a resilient Padres team who could tread water and still edge the Braves out.

THE ROCKIES

The good news for Rockies fans is that, as they have done in recent years, they are finishing strong. Very strong. The further good news is that their next six games are against very beatable teams; two sweeps would do wonders for the Rockies' chances. The bad news is two-tiered, I'm afraid: they are going on the road, and the first series is in Los Angeles. Will Dodger Stadium be a Biblical lion's den, where they're sent in to get killed but come out fine the next day? Or will it be like an actual lion's den, where the lions eat you in about ten minutes and then lick your bones over the winter?

Jim Tracy has finally settled on a lineup and a batting order, though, and I believe that will help them on this road trip. This team swept the Padres in their last road series, and the Dodgers are struggling worse than the Padres are. After this road trip, they have three home games against the Giants. A good road trip for the Rockies will make that Giant series crucial to both teams.

NL Awards

I predict that, for the fifth time in their history, the Rockies will have a player lead 2/3 of the Triple Crown stats and fail to win the MVP. Carlos Gonzalez will finish the year leading the league in average and RBI, but will not will not win the MVP, because Coors Field artifically inflated his stats.

I also predict that, for the first time in their history,  the best pitcher in baseball will be wearing a Rockies uniform. Ubaldo Jimenez has had a spectacular season. However, Jimenez will not win the Cy Young award, because Coors Field artificially inflated his stats.

And so, I predict another grumpy "Postseason Awards are Bullcrap" post on this blog very soon. Hopefully, it will be tempered with a "playoff baseball is wonderful" post, but we'll have to wait and see on both of those.

Go Rockies!!!

Chipper Jones Has A Tiny Wang

Hello dear readers! It is I, The Beard, checking in once again with the latest in news surrounding the Colorado Rockies! The Rockies, despite their road struggles, remain relevant to the postseason conversation, because hey, it's September, and that's when the Rockies do their best work. Their seven-game win streak has seen them sweep two first-place teams in a row, but now they must face perhaps their greatest nemesis: a last-place team. Namely, the Arizona Diamondbacks. Needless to say, with the team 3.5 games back for both the Wild Card and the NL West lead, every game is a Big Game, but the Rockies have been coming up big so far this September.

A big part of the Rockies surge has been the stellar play of Mrs. Beard's new favorite player (supplanting the cute-yet-always-struggling Chris Iannetta) Carlos Gonzalez, who has as good a shot as anybody in recent memory at becoming the NL's first Triple Crown winner since 1937. Hard to believe, but even some national media have pulled their noses out of Albert Pujols' butt, and are including Carlos in the NL MVP conversation. But, as you'd expect, many who've never played the game discount Gonzalez' impressive numbers simply because he plays half his games at Coors Field.

And now I'd like to stop this rant before it begins, and insert an aside, if I may, about Chipper Jones. I have been asked many times why I do not care for Chipper Jones. I find the answer easy to feel, but difficult to put into words.

One good reason to hate him is that he is a grown man who goes by the name "Chipper." "Chipper" sounds like the name for that Three's Company character -- somebody's cousin, probably -- who only showed her face about every fourth episode. "Chipper" would also be a great name for the horse some 50s TV cowboy rode around on. And I can see "Chipper" being the lesser-known sidekick to Charlie McCarthy and Mortimer Snerd. I mean, I know the guy's real name is Lawrence, and that's a drag... but you can't expect anybody to take you seriously with the name "Chipper."

Or maybe, it's this:

I mean, look at that guy. Just look at him! I'm not a violent Beard, but when you see a guy who looks like that, don't you just want to rear back and punch him right in the middle of his face? I think it is a natural, built-in response: when cavemen saw another caveman with a face like that, they wanted to punch it. And then they did, because they were cavemen. I remember as a little Beardling, seeing faces like that on the little kids in my class, and even then I wanted to punch them. And it's still true: even today, it takes every bit of my inner strength to not go around punching little kids who look like Chipper Jones.

But now, we have a quantifiable and defensible reason to hate Chipper Jones. Recently, Chipper chimed in with his assessment of Gonzalez' play, and his chances for both the Triple Crown and the MVP:

"If (Gonzalez) is doing the same thing on the road that he’s doing at home, I’d be glad to give him credit. And he’s a tremendous player, don’t get me wrong. But the numbers? He’s hitting like .390 at home with 25 homers and 65 ribbies?"

The obvious message there is that Chipper does NOT give Gonzalez any credit. Chipper certainly has time on his hands lately, and he seems to have enough of a fascination with Carlos to know his stats pretty well: as of this writing, Carlos' home stats are: .387, 25, 66, while his road stats read .288, 7, 34. So his point -- that Gonzalez is a decent player made to look great by his home park -- seems to have merit, at least on the surface. But, I will refrain from re-hashing the reasons why Chipper -- like most people who mention Coors Field -- is completely wrong about it, as that's an issue I've touched on in other posts.

However, good ol' Chipper, in his haste to lob a parting shot at a fellow major leaguer, seems to have forgotten a couple things. Chipper Jones has won two individual awards in his career: the 1999  NL MVP, and the 2008 batting title. The year that he won the NL MVP award, Chipper hit .366 at home, and .275 on the road. The year Chipper won the NL Batting title, he hit .399 at home, and .325 on the road.

So, Chipper won an MVP hitting worse on the road than Carlos is hitting today, and he won a batting title hitting better at home than Carlos is hitting today. Am I cherry picking stats? Yes, I am. Does that mean that Chipper is not a jealous dick, denying credit to a young player having an outstanding season, and justifying it with reasons that, should they be applied to Chipper's own stats, cast a bad light on his greatest personal accomplishments? No, it does not. He is in fact a massive dick, and nobody likes him. Everybody likes Carlos, though, because Carlos brings us tacos.

 TACOS!!!!!!!!!!!

Somebody has been listening!!!

Oh joy of joys, somebody in the National Press has actually had the balls to suggest that a Rockies players' home/road splits (in this case, Gonzalez's) do not tell the entire story (we've had those balls for some time, of course). Has somebody been tuning in to The Beard's wisdom? Or, is the eye test simply too tough to ignore: Carlos Gonzalez, while not as good as his home numbers suggest, is clearly MUCH better than his road numbers suggest. Either way, it is extremely encouraging to have a national, well-respected source like Sports Illustrated mention the Coors Hangover effect.

With any luck, people will begin seriously crunching these numbers and discussing this as this season winds down, and maybe, just maybe, Gonzalez will get a fair shot at the MVP without people coming out of the woodwork to mention his home/road splits. Thanks, Posnanski.

Rockies go 5-1 on homestand, but that's over now

...because now, they have to go back on the road again. Their play on the road since the All-Star break has been nothing less than atrocious. The team is currently 8 games back in the NL West and 4.5 games back in the wild card standings. Every loss hurts right now, and with the next few games on the road, it's likely that the losses will begin piling up again.

In good news, the tandem of EYjr and Fowler at the top of the order seems to be just what the Rockies needed... now, if only somebody could knock them in. Oh, and Todd Helton, it's good to see you again.

Farewell, Brad Hawpe!

Time to say good-bye to Brad Hawpe, a long-time Rockies player and a seemingly decent guy. I expect him to do what Garrett Atkins could not: to find success with a new MLB team. Hawpe's long swing has a lot of moving parts, but when it was working right it was a beautiful thing to watch... and although he was an average outfielder at best, his cannon of an arm provided many great moments for Rockies fans. Thank you for seven years in a Rockies uniform, and best of luck Brad Hawpe!

RIP Bobby Thompson

Hey, Major Leaguers! When your teammate gets a hit to win a game in the bottom of the 9th inning, ask yourself: is this one win really that big a deal?, before you run out en masse, huddle around home plate like a pack of hyenas around a fresh kill, and hop up and down like jackasses when your teammate arrives. Give the guy a high-five as he comes into the dugout, sure... but act like you've seen it before.

There are times, of course, when you probably haven't seen it before, and the celebration should be something special. 60 years later, the late Bobby Thompson and the 1951 Giants still have something to teach today's ballplayers about how -- and when -- to celebrate a game-winning hit. The difference between "excitement" and "joy" is evident in this clip. Few (if any) hits in the sport of baseball have ever been bigger than this one, and this is a case of the celebration matching the feat.

The Shot Heard 'Round The World

Rockies running out of games

The Rockies continue to hit like an armless zombie, getting shut out by the Mets today for the second time in three games. What's the problem with this team right now? Well, one can never take the complex and multi-faceted equation that is  a major league baseball team, over the many natural highs and lows that come during a six-month season, and boil its problems down to one solitary issue, unless that issue is that their hitting coach doesn't appear to know the first thing about how to coach hitting.

Yes, the team has a high average and has scored a lot of runs, but Rockies fans know that both of these have come in spurts punctuated by long spells of neither. This shows only that they have potential being frustratingly wasted this season. The fact that they can't seem to hit or score runs with any sort of reliability or consistency is a reflection of their coaching and their approach, not of their talent.

Oh, and another reason they struggle is that they sent their one decent and healthy contact hitter, Jonathan Herrera, down to the minors so that one of the least impressive hitters in the major leagues wouldn't have anybody showing him up at second base. Watching Clint Barmes walk to the plate in a Rockies game is like watching a half-naked teenager take a walk through the woods in a Friday the 13th movie, except that more often than not, the teenager looks pretty good right up to the point she's butchered.

Jonathan Herrera understood that a single can be more valuable than a home run, but that notion made him a heretic in the Rockies clubhouse, where each and every one of the Ten Commandments says "Thou shalt not hit a ball less than 400 feet," and he was therefore banished, and lots were cast for his clothing.

So, is there any good news today? Yes, some. Chipper Jones had a major knee injury that will likely end his Hall-of-Fame career. That's how freaking grumpy The Beard is today, folks... an eternal and omnipotent traveler of both space and time, reduced to schadenfreude. Thanks a lot, Don Baylor!

T.B.

Trade Deadline Day Action!

Greetings! I hate to be misleading with a headline, but for the Rockies, absolutely nothing happened on the trade deadline day, other than Carlos Gonzalez completing the cycle with a game-winning, 460+ foot home run. But as far as trades go, the Rockies were silent.

There were rumblings that the team was interested in Jorge Cantu, but the Rangers, spending money as if they've got it, beat them to him. There were reports that the Rockies attempted to move Aaron Cook to St Louis, but his final start was bad enough that it scared the Cards away. And there were rumors that Brad Hawpe was on the block, but with the uncertainty at first base surrounding Todd Helton's return, the Rockies hesitated to pull the trigger. So essentially, the Rockies are going the rest of the way with the same team they opened the season.

My analysis: perfect. This team has talent, and this team has depth. At times, the Rockies' problem has been that they are too loyal to veteran players. At other times, they have been too fiddly with their lineup. But the pieces are there... the challenge is to put them together correctly. Adding more pieces would not have solved much, in my Beardly opinion.

The starting rotation is a question, but the answers may be within the Rockies system already.  The Rockies need Ubaldo to stay out of trouble, and they need De La Rosa to snap back and be the "2" in the Rockies' "1-2 punch." If Ubaldo continues to show signs of burnout and De La Rosa does not return to form, the Rockies have a very steep climb ahead of them this season. However, Ubaldo is not in as much trouble as many seem to think, and DLR seems to be progressing nicely since his stay on the DL.

Francis has pitched well lately, and Hammel continues to pitch well... so that final spot is the biggest issue. Cook has been ineffective pretty much all year long, and his spot in the rotation can't be too solid at this point with an arm like Chacin's at AAA. I feel that Cook might get one or two more starts to show he can produce a quality outing, before Chacin is given the opporunity to show what he can do in a pennant race.

The other major question facing the Rockies right now is first base. Hawpe has filled in fairly well lately (and shown signs of breaking out of his bad slump at the plate, to boot). Giambi is hitting the ball better than he's catching it, but he's a nice option to have off the bench and as a backup at 1B. The question is, will a productive Helton return from Casper? If not, is a .250 Helton a better option than a .285 Hawpe?

I'm of the opinion that if Helton is healthy enough to play the field, he should be in the lineup. His defense and his presence in the clubhouse make up for his lack of production at the plate. This season, the Rockies' longest losing streak with Helton in the lineup was three games. As soon as Helton went on the DL, the Rockies uncorked that stinker of a road trip, including their 8-game slide. I do not think this is a coincidence: Todd Helton's value cannot be summed up by his offensive statistics.

As of this writing, the Rockies are tied for third, six games back of the Padres in the NL West. It will not be easy to win this division, but it can be done. Management has said that they like the roster as it is, and now it's up to the players to prove them right, or wrong.

Rockies Slump, Beard apologizes

Hello, dear readers. I must start this briefest of blogs by apologizing to you, and to the rest of the universe. I have not submitted anything to the blog page since the All-Star break, and is usually the case when I do not check in with you, the Rockies have played pretty poor baseball since then. I take full responsibility! It will not happen again.

Unless, of course, the Rockies decide to continue the flaccid, strikeout-prone hitting they've been doing lately. As discussed earlier in the season, the road has always been a difficult place for the Rockies to hit. This means that Rockies pitching must carry the load when on a roadtrip, and it hasn't done that recently.

If the Rockies' road hitting woes are centered around the fact that a ball breaks more sharply away from Coors Field, making it a difficult adjustment for hitters, I would like to see the Rockies develop a batting cage that can throw a superhuman breaking ball. Perhaps in Denver, such a machine could simulate the sea-level breaking balls the Rockies would face on the road, allowing them to get some batting practice against such pitches before seeing them live.

At any rate, the Rockies have three more games against Philadelphia. Taking all three of those games would finish this road trip and a respectable 5-6, and would likely keep the Rockies within 4 games of the Padres, who get the opportunity to beat up on the Pirates for a few days. With Roy Halladay out of the way, the Rockies have a somewhat easier task ahead of them, but Ubaldo must set the tone today, or all the excitement of the week leading up to the All-Star break will be lost with one of the most dissapointing road trips in recent Rockies memory.

-T.B.

NEVER UNDERESTIMATE THE POWER OF BEARD

Yes, Rockies fans, that was nine runs in the bottom of the 9th, one of the Beardliest innings in Rockies history. Tacos for everyone, and an unexpected "W" for the Rockies. We owe a big "thank-you!" to Tony LaRussa, for his inexplicable decision to leave his foundering closer in the game while the Rockies' lefties stroked hit after hit towards a hapless Randy Winn in right field.

As I said a few weeks, ago, my goal this year is to focus on Ryan Spilborghs, and let the rest of the team find their inner -- and outer -- Beards. They appear to be doing just that, at least at the plate. As Rockies starters begin to falter, the offense is starting to get going. Dexter Fowler, having been bored in AAA last month, has apparently decided he never, ever wants to go back. Barmes is celebrating his annual "Hitting Month." Herrera, called up to play 2B so Barmes can replace the injured Tulo at shortstop, is the sort of situational contact hitter this team has badly needed ever since Todd Helton retired. Giambi is starting to pull his substantial weight as Helton's backup, and Carlos Gonzalez looks like he gets better every week. And let's not forget last night's biggest hero, Seth Smith's Beard.

Yes, the Beard Factor for the Rockies is very high right now, despite Giambi's new clean-shaven look. Leading the way is Smith, whose beard rivals even Spilly's at its ferocious fullest. Other bearded Rockies in the lineup lately include Chris Ianetta (another big contributor to last night's victory), shoulda-been All Star Miguel Olivo, Gonzalez, Fowler, Ian Stewart, Spliborghs, and of course, Todd Helton. The more Rockies buy into this beard thing, the more games they will win. The universe understands the Power of the Beard, and the Rockies are beginning to see it, too.

Beards Invade Rockies, Wins Follow! Plus, Interleague's Retardedness Revealed

Hello, readers from Earth and planets beyond! I'm mobile today, checking in via my new iPhone. I realize it's fairly tough to get your hands on these, but as a Beard of Infinite Means, I was able to score one no problem. Right now, I'm making the quick jaunt from Pluto, where I visited a cousin at his summer home, to Anaheim, where the Rockies will face the Angels this evening. Coverage is pretty good in this solar system, except in the vicinity of Jupiter, where the damn monolith always creates a dead spot.

I don't know if you've noticed, but the Beard Ratio for the Colorado Rockies is on the rise. Seth Smith, Ian Stewart, Todd Helton, and Jason Giambi are all sporting full beards lately, and of course we can always count on Joe Beimel and this blog's namesake, Ryan Spilborghs, for some quality beardsmanship. And as we all know, Beardliness is the trademark of greatness.

I doubt you'll consider it a surprise, then, that the beard-heavy Rockies (despite having lost Tulowitzki for a month of more) have played good baseball of late against some quality opponents. Since getting embarrassed by the Astros two weeks ago, the Rockies have an 8-4 record, including going 6-3 against some of the best teams in the American League. If not for Dustin Pedroia's heroics last night, the Rockies may well have swept the Red Sox to go along with their earlier sweep of Toronto.

Pedroia is a fine example of what a Beard can do for a player. This is a guy blessed with the perfect build for a career as a Photo Elf alongside a department store Santa, but slap a beard on him and he's the Rookie of the Year and the American League MVP. He killed the Rockies with a 5-5, 3 home run night, including the game-winning shot in the 10th inning. Hats off to him... I'm sure by the time he's done, he'll have a lot more trophies to display on the mantle in his mushroom house.

Now, the Rockies hit the road to Anaheim to finish the interleague portion of the schedule. With three tough games to go, the Rockies have again proven that they aren't scared of the big, bad American League. But the problems with interleague continue to be so obvious that it's puzzling how it retains its popularity. The Rockies interleague schedule this year included the Royals, Twins, Angels, Red Sox, and Blue Jays, whose combined records as of June 25th was 194-172, a winning percentage of .530. Let's look at the rest of the NL West to see what their interleague schedules look like:

San Diego: Seattle, Seattle again, Toronto, Baltimore, Tampa: 132-157 (.457) 
San Francisco: Oakland, Oakland again, Baltimore, Toronto, Boston: 137-156 (.461)
Colorado: Royals, Twins, Angels, Red Sox, Blue Jays: 194-172 (.530) 
Los Angeles: Detroit, LA Angels, Boston, Angels again, New York: 169-125 (.575)
Arizona: Toronto, Boston, Detroit, New York, Tampa: 210-152 (.580)

Does that list look familiar at all? It should, if you're a follower of the NL West, because the strength of interleague schedule almost perfectly corresponds to the teams' current position in the division. The two NL West teams with the easiest interleague schedules also happen to be the two NL West teams at the top of the division. What. A. Surprise.

It doesn't take much to see that the Rockies, Dodgers, and especially the D-backs get royally screwed with this schedule, while the Giants and the Padres get a relative cakewalk. San Fransisco got to see the sub-.500 A's six times, and then another three games against the worst team in the majors, the Orioles. The Padres faced the last-place Mariners six times, and those same awful Orioles three times. That's eighteen games against sub-.500 (sub-.300, in Baltimore's case) AL competition for Sans Diego & Francisco. On the other hand, the Rockies, D-Backs, and Dodgers together had a whopping three games against sub-.500 AL squads. Three.

Why does it matter, you ask? The answer is clear: when you're competing with four or five other teams for a division championship, two or three games can make a huge difference. So it's a huge handicap when you have to play three against Yankees, but your opponents get those three games against the Orioles.

Interleague is a nice idea handled almost completely wrong, and before MLB starts tinkering with the very bad idea of instant replay, you'd think they could at least put together a balanced schedule that doesn't favor some teams while working against others. If that means doing away with interleague baseball altogether, then so be it.

The Beard has spoken!

Will the Real Colorado Rockies Please Stand Up?

The Purple gets pretty much embarrassed by two of the worst teams in the NL. Then they go and sweep the Blue Jays, one of the better teams of the Superior League (despite their Canadian handicap). Will we know more about this team after their set in Minnesota? Your guess is as good as mine, friends. But this is one of the better pitching staffs (rotation and bullpen) in the majors, and every once in a while, they look like they're about to start hitting too. If that ever happens, we may see something special.

I, The Beard, have changed my strategy regarding the Rockies and their universal greatness... at one time, I concentrated my full Beardliness on Ryan Spilborghs, and both he and the Rockies achieved much. The following two years, I focused on the team, with mixed results. Now, I have decided once again to channel all possible greatness through Ryan Spilborghs and his amazing beard, and to allow that beard to act as a beacon towards which the Rockies will affix their eyes and hearts. So go, Ryan, and go Ryan's Beard... let's show them how this is done.

-TB

Rockies Go For Split with Worst Team in NL

...that headline should have read, "Worst Team in NL Before They Got To Colorado." Taking two of three already from the Rockies, the Astros are now half a game ahead of the Pirates, and good for them! If the Rockies aren't going to be winning games, at least they're doing their best to keep their opponents out of the basement.

The Beard is thinking it's about time to fire Don Baylor. It was great to see Groove back in the dugout, but frankly, when a team that looks on paper like they'll hit a ton is hitting this poorly, something has to change. The Rockies as a team are hitting .254 with runners in scoring position, and a crap-lousy .213 with RISP and two outs... the latter number good for worst in the major leagues. Let that one soak in for a bit.

How many times in past seasons, Rockies fans, did we look at the team's explosive offense, and mutter to ourselves, "If they had even average pitching they'd be winning games." Now we look at our pitching (4th in the NL in ERA) and mutter about the hitting. There have always excuses about the failures of Rockies pitching, and many of them are good excuses. But there's no excuse for this team not hitting. No excuse for them failing to score runs against two of the worst pitching staffs in the league, the Diamondbacks and Astros. No excuses!

Pet Peeves

Hello Year Of The Beard readers! The Beard is in San Francisco, doing his best to channel enough greatness throughout the Rockies lineup to complete a sweep of the Giants, so I thought I'd drop in with another of my traditional gripefests. Yes, it's time for: Jim's Pet Peeves.


Pet Peeve #1: "Walk-Off"
The Beard's column yesterday, about Kendry Morales breaking his leg celebrating his walk-off grand slam, got me thinking. The World-Series type celebrations at the end of every single game these days is a Pet Peeve of mine, but I think The Beard covered that one nicely. This Pet Peeve centers on the term "walk-off." This is one of those terms that ESPN has brought to the forefront, and like most things ESPN is responsible for, it's annoying. What's wrong with "game-winning hit?" The term in Japan for a game-ending home run is a "sayonara homer," which I think is a great term.

My biggest problem with "walk-off" is that nobody seems to care what it really means. It's not meant to have a positive connotation... the pitcher is walking off the field, not the batter. The batter is prancing around like a jackass. So I would like to see the term "walk-off home run" replaced with "jackass home run."

Pet Peeve #2: Fantasy Baseball
I have no real problem with fantasy sports; in fact I've been guilty of taking part in fantasy football and baseball leagues for over 20 years. My Pet Peeve is the fact that fantasy sports are now being covered along with regular sports journalism. Sports journalism has long been the ugly, deformed half-sibling of actual journalism, and when you visit actual journalism's home, the only time you see sports jouralism is the rare occasion when it breaks out of the attic and thrashes the house trying to escape the sunlight before frantically humping your leg. With that in mind, covering fantasy sports is pretty much a new low for sports journalism, and that's saying quite a lot.

Do they not realize that fantasy sports is simply "regular" sports, filtered through nerd-brains? If you want to tell the viewer which players have the most home runs and RBI, then just say "Here is a list of the players with the most home runs and RBI." To have some guy come on and tell me which players are producing the most for fantasy teams is simply annoying, because those are the same guys who are producing for real teams!

Even more annoying is the segment where some guy emails in "I just got offered Mark Teixeira for Justin Morneau. What should I do?" (answer below). The "experts" read this question on-air, and then debate that fantasy trade for a couple minutes... and unless you are one of the half-dozen viewers in the entire world who have had this particular trade suggested to you, those will be the most frustratingly wasted and useless minutes of your entire life.

Again, I blame ESPN. What follows was going to be the conclusion to Pet Peeve #2, but it went on long enough that I've just made it Pet Peeve #3: ESPN.

There was a time when ESPN was pretty much neck-and-neck with Milwaukee's Best as The Best Thing In the Universe. I left it on for three or four hours every morning... it had all the sports highlights from every game, and it was awesome. But something has happened, and like a lot of once-awesome things (like Milwaukee's Best), it now completely sucks. The evidence for this is practically overwhelming, and part of me feels like I should not even have to list the reasons why ESPN sucks so badly, but when I get talking about bottom-of-the-barrel journalism and ridiculous fantasy sports analysis segments, it becomes clear that ESPN continues to fill a much-needed void.

Imaginary, nonsense sports (X Games, arena football, poker, WNBA) have long had a home on ESPN, but now the network is covering the way people follow sports, rather than simply covering the sports themselves. It's idiotic. Combine this recent trend with the following:

• NASCAR gets more coverage than hockey. Hockey gets Barry Melrose, and that's it.
• "Brett Favre's birthday should be a national holiday." -- Chris Berman, ESPN
• You'll have to wait through 45 minutes of NBA highlights to see any baseball recap that doesn't involve the Yankees, Mets, Red Sox, or Phillies
• Joe Morgan
• Stuart Scott and every other on-air dingus who thinks that bludgeoning the English language with a "catchphrase" every 15 seconds is what creates interest in their stories
• They inexplicably give Mel Kiper -- a guy with no quantifiable ability or skill whatsoever -- continued employment. Seriously, of what possible use is a Mock Draft?

...put all these together, and I've found it extremely easy to ignore ESPN lately. I rarely even turn it on, in fact. This morning, though, was a particularly bleak day for me, as I saw a Fantasy Baseball segment on my new Best Thing In the Universe channel: MLB Network. After an awesome start, they have become more and more ESPN-y as time has gone by, and with this latest development, I feel like I just saw my long-time sweetheart holding hands with my worst enemy. We've lost something that could have been very special... and so ESPN's ability to not only suck, but to influence the suckness of others, wins them the final spot on today's Pet Peeve list. Burn in Hell, ESPN!

The correct answer to the Teixeira/Morneau trade question is, "Who gives a shit? Go get yourself a girlfriend."

Dodgers Continue 17-Year Tradition of Rockies Spankings; Baseball Speaks Up on Silly Celebrations

What is it about the Dodgers? They've got the Rockies nailed, right in their minds! Not that the Dodgers came in playing bad baseball or that the Rockies came in super-hot, but it always seems that whatever little thing the Dodgers need to do to win a game against the Rockies, that's the little thing they do. In the finale, it was defense. There were at least three game-saving, spectacular defensive plays by LA last night... any one of those plays doesn't happen, and the Rockies probably win that game. Sigh, it's the loser's lament... "if only."

The Rockies bats, the main problem in The Beard's view so far this season, seem to be working a bit better lately. Hopefully that will carry over on this road trip, but Tim Lincecum is never a good guy to face in Game 1, when you want to get your hitting off on the right foot.

The Beard would like to divert from Rockies talk for a moment, to mention all the silly Home Plate celebrations that have taken place in the last few years, and that they finally took their toll. I know that as a Beard Who Has Surveyed The Universe, I may have seen more than most, and therefore might not get as excited as some of you, but these celebrations at home plate have been getting out of hand. When you win a huge game in September, or clinch a playoff series with the final at-bat, then yeah, go ahead and celebrate it, because that's freaking awesome.

There are 162 games in the baseball season, although you wouldn't know it by the way teams today celebrate a last-inning victory in the middle of May. Lately, when a guy hits a home run to win a game at any point in the season, he flips his bat, points into the dugout, trots around the bases like he's walking up to accept his Oscar, and then all his teammates meet him at home plate hopping around like idiots like he was Bill Mazeroski. This practice has become more and more prevalent in recent years, and The Beard was hoping it would just go away before something bad happened.

No such luck.

Baseball demands a certain demeanor of its players. It demands that they do not put themselves above The Game, and punishes -- often severely -- those who do not comply (see Rose, Pete). When you think you're bigger than the game, The Game puts you in your place. Do you think that Baseball likes these showy, chest-pounding celebrations over nearly insignificant wins? No, It does not. Do you think Baseball would just let that happen without consequence? For a time, yes, because Baseball is nothing if not patient. But we knew the end of this respite must be drawing close, and the other night, Baseball said its peace.

The emotion is fine, but weigh it against the situation. Drop the bat, keep the helmet on your head, and keep your head down as you round the bases. The guy on deck may greet you at home plate, but the rest of the high fives & hugs stay in the dugout, until September. That is Baseball's message to us, via Kendry Morales's horribly broken ankle. Let's hope we listen, lest a broken ankle be only the first sign of Baseball's wrath!

T.B.

Self-Centered Rockies Win Every Game Against Diamondbacks

In an unsightly display of greed and poor sportsmanship, the Colorado Rockies won all three games against the Arizona Diamondbacks this week. After a close game in the first contest, the next two were easy victories. "We tried to let them win that first game," a sheepish Jim Tracy said, "I don't know what happened there. I feel pretty bad about it."

Diamondbacks pitcher Dan Haren was frustrated: "I don't see why we come all this way, put our uniforms on and everything, and then they go and win all three games. Don't they know how baseball is supposed to work?" Haren pointed out an April series in Arizona, in which the Diamondbacks graciously allowed the Rockies to escape with one victory in three games. "That's how it's supposed to happen. You win two of every three games in this league, and you're going to the playoffs. Why do you have to go around sweeping people?" Haren then sighed, and slumped into the chair in front of his locker, spending the next ten minutes absent-mindedly examining his cuticles.

Arizona Manager A.J Hinch was particularly incensed by the Rockies' three home runs in three consecutive at-bats in the seventh inning of Thursday's game, effectively sealing the sweep for Colorado. Rockies outfielder and Conduit of Greatness Ryan Spilborghs, who hit the last of those three home runs, was contrite. "I mean, Seth Smith has the flu. I don't think he could even focus... Who'd have guessed he'd hit one out? And I know for a fact that Carlos and I went up trying to pop it up, because we discussed our strategies in the on-deck circle. But it's a lot harder than you think to hit a ball right at somebody. We tried, but sometimes these things happen."

Back at Coors, the Return of Kaz?

Hello once again, loyal readers! A road trip that should have been better is over, and a homestand that should be awesome is ready to begin! The Rockies continue to play frustratingly average baseball, and continue to hover around the .500 mark, but luckily, the rest of the NL West seems to be hovering just slightly above that mark, so as of today, the Rockies are only four games out of first place.

The most frustrating aspect of this season continues to be the hitting. There were a lot of winnable games on the Chicago/Houston/KC road trip, but with only 16 runs in the first six games of the trip, they just aren't getting people around the bases. The 11-run finale in KC was nice, but far too often we've seen a game that looked like the clue that the bat were about to break out, only to see them return to scratching out 2-3 runs per game for the next week or so.

Now, the NL West comes to town, with three against both the last-place Diamondbacks and the Dodgers, who have had a very good month so far. The Rox then head to the road, with six more divisional games. If the Rockies are going to make a move up the standings, this would be a good time to do it.

The Beard would like to take just a moment to welcome Kaz Matsui back to the Rockies organization. He was pretty awful in Houston this year, but since they're paying his salary, I think it's a good move for the Rockies to bring him to Colorado Springs and see if he can help at all. EY Jr doesn't seem to be ready for the big leauges, nor does Clint Barmes... so creating some veteran depth at a position which the Rockies have always been pretty thin, is a good thing.

Rockies Finding Consistency On the Road

Rockies Go to Chicago, Stink.

The Cubs are the Cubs, they just have "loser" in their blood. Nice ballpark, loyal fans, but they just aren't a team that scares you... ever. The Cubs are the only team that Charlie Brown could pitch for and it would make him even more depressed.

Even the best Cubs team of all time is still named after a cuddly little baby bear. When you encounter a cuddly little baby bear, you aren't worried about the baby bear at all. It looks like it might be a lot of fun to pick one up and hug it, or even mess with it a bit. You know, take its food away and hold it up just out of its reach; watching it jump a couple times and then fall back down to the forest floor in a fuzzy ball before rolling onto his back, where he suddenly notices his hind legs sticking up in the air and he starts playing with his feet for a while. You could do that all day long! What you worry about about is its mom, who's about to spring out from any direction and pummel your ass to the point the Lab Boys will have to run a complicated DNA test to determine what type of creature you used to be.

So when a team gets swept by the cute little defenseless Cubs, it hurts, but frankly, the Cubs' moms could probably have taken both these games, too. Two decent outings by the starting pitchers wasted by two flaccid games at the plate, and kept out of reach by another failure in the bullpen. When is this team going to start hitting?

Answer: when they're 15 games back. Seems like the only time they ever do.

On The Road Again

The Rockies are off on a weird little road trip... two-game series with both the Cubbies and the Astros, followed by three in Kansas City. Two-game series are just odd; they have another one against the Giants in August. I suppose it has something to do with interleague scheduling... just another reason to hate interleague. Bah, humbug!, says The Beard.

Jeff Francis was certainly beard-worthy yesterday. What a great return for one of the best pitchers in the Rockies' short history! It's only one start, one win, so we won't get our whiskers all in a frizz... but plugging a healthy Francis back into this Rockies rotation could be another of those seemingly small tweaks to a team that make it all click into place.

Give me a U! Give me two Ws! What's that spell?

This is how good Ubaldo Jimenez has been this season: he allowed two earned runs over eight innings today, and his ERA went up. He is 7-1, with a 1.12 ERA and a WHIP under 1.00, and looks practically unbeatable (yes, the keen-eyed readers will note that Ubaldo's record does include a loss, meaning that he is not, in fact, "unbeatable." However, in that loss he allowed one run on two hits... two frickin' hits, people! He didn't lose that one, his teammates failed to win it). For the last two seasons, the People Who Like To Get Carried Away With Things have been saying that Ubaldo is a potential Cy Young award winner. Today, those people look like they know what they're talking about.

And what do you know, the Rockies' bats woke up a little bit yesterday! 16 hits, four home runs, and ten runs scored in two games is a nice little sign of life... Brad Hawpe had a particularly nice day, with five hits (three of them doubles) in 7 AB. I won't forget Jason Hammel's efforts in the second game, limiting the dangerous Senators lineup to three runs over seven innings for his first win of the season after a couple weeks on the DL.

Jeff Francis, at long last, makes his return to the mound for the Rockies today, with the chance to either finish a Decent Homestand at 4-2, or a Dissapointing One at 3-3. Then, the Rockies head east to play three teams near the bottom of the standings: the Cubbies (15-22), Astros (13-23), and Royals (13-24)... teams who have combined to win nine of their past 30 games. An opportunity for the Rockies to make some noise on the road... but as an Eternal Beard from the Farthest Reaches of the Universe, I should know better than to look too far ahead. If the Rockies can take three of four from a Washington squad that's been playing very good baseball, they just might be on the move towards a nice little win streak.

-T.B.

When Does the Good Baseball Start?

Greetings readers! I realize it has been a long time since I have checked in with you, but things have been chaotic with the Rockies thus far. Many fans throughout the universe have blamed injuries, bad breaks, and slumps for the Rockies sub-.500 record, but the honest truth of the matter is that they've played pretty lousy baseball. I, as a Beard of Nearly Infinite Power, have been unable to turn things around so far, and it's bothered me.

I was at a loss. I contacted pretty much every omniscient being in my address book, and nobody seemed to have any good advice for me. Frankly, I was bummed. This season started with so much anticipation, so many great things laid out before the Colorado Rockies, that to see them stumble out of the gate once again just left me in a funk. So for the last week or so, I pretty much just sat by the pool at ARIA and got hammered. Olivo's game-winning HR two days ago shook me out of my stupor, albeit briefly, and for about 18 hours I thought I saw the light. Against the Nationals last night, however, the bullpen gave up what, like 8 runs? That light was yet another train, and I crawled straight back into the bottle before the 9th inning even started. This morning I was presented with a staggering headache and room service bill that would make Hunter S. Thompson blink hard. Unaccustomed as I am to carrying any sort of cash with me (and, to be honest, still quite drunk), I panicked, and decided to get out of town.

As I made my hasty escape through the hotel's parking garage, I slipped in a puddle of some vile liquid near the bottom of a flight of stairs, and landed flat on my back. Right then, for whatever reason, I had a Moment of Clarity: I realized that for as long as the Rockies have been playing sloppy, uninspiring, shitty baseball this season, I -- The Beard -- have not been posting on Year of the Beard! The last post here, in fact, was after Ubaldo's no-hitter. Have they played well since then? Clearly not.

There are no coincidences in the universe, my friends... the key is to see the pattern, and at that moment, laying on my back on a concrete floor, staring up at two armed and impatient security guards, I saw the pattern. For all the things I have tried to do to get the Rockies to realize their greatness, it was something I was NOT doing which was the sole cause of their struggles. So now, I am back, posting my thoughts on the Rockies and other Important Doings in The Universe. Just you wait and see... this is the Key to Everything.

As far as the Rockies go, they need to pitch better, hit better, field better, and run the bases better. Once they have those details sorted out, they can work on catching the Padres. Ha ha, just a little joke there. We all know that los Padres will fall out of first place like a blind roofer on roller skates. The Giants are the squad the Rockies will be chasing this summer, but they'd better start soon.

Sincerely,

The Beard

Rockies defeat Braves 4-0, Nothing Particularly Unusual About It

The Atlanta Braves accomplished a rare feat last night, coming to bat over 30 times in a game without recording a single hit! The luster of the Braves record-setting performance was dulled slightly by their ability to draw six walks, even allowing one runner to advance to third base, but let's not allow that to detract from their history-making accomplishment!

First Series of the Season - Brewers Take Two of Three

Salutations! Ryan Spilborghs' Beard here, welcoming in the 2010 baseball season! The season started off on the right note, with an Opening Day win in Milwaukee, but the next two games were Brewers victories. All three games featured some things that Rockies fans must hope were only opening-week jitters and not "issues;" namely, spotty relief pitching, failure to get timely hits, and fundamental defensive mistakes.

Both losses were close, and the Rockies were in both games, but too many little things kept them from victories. The Rockies had four errors in the three games, and the winning run in the series finale was scored by a guy who, on the previous play, was allowed to move from first to second when our dear Ryan failed to hit the cutoff man. Randy Flores has allowed three of the four batters he's faced to reach base. And at the plate, the Rockies were 4-30 with RISP for the series.

There were bright spots, of course. Ubaldo was excellent in the opener, Carlos Gonzales left the series as the Hottest Hitter in Baseball, and Ian Stewart had a great series, with two HRs and 13 total bases. But there are many adjustments that will need to be made if the Rockies hope to jump out to a quick start this April. Little adjustments are better than big adjustments, but they must still be made.

The Rockies face the Padres in their home opener on Friday, and then will face almost the entire NL East before seeing a West team again.

Spring Training Nears An End - The Coors Field Effect Part III

Greetings readers! Ryan Spilborghs' Beard here, the bearer of bad news from Arizona. Well, from New Mexico, actually... but no matter which state it's from, it's bad news... Jeff Francis had some soreness in his arm yesterday. What's worse, it's the arm he throws a baseball with, and he will therefore start the season on the DL. As a Beard of nearly unlimited power, I will do everything I can to hasten his healthy return to the field.

And now, time for your silver lining: Francis will be replaced in the rotation by Greg Smith. Now, while it's certainly not a good thing when your #2 starter, returning from major arm surgery, goes on the DL, but when you can replace him in the rotation with a guy who posted a 1.50 ERA this spring, that's pretty nice. Candidates to fill Smith's bullpen spot appear to be Joe Beimel, Justin Speir, and Tim Redding.

Look for a season preview tomorrow, but first, some old business to attend to: the final installment of The Coors Field Effect. Part III will deal with how the CFE is percieved today, and how it affects the reputations of current and past Rockies.

THE COORS FIELD EFFECT: PART III

This Time, It's Personal!!!

Even with the humidor in place, there is no arguing the fact that Coors Field is one of the best hitter's park in the Major Leagues. Park factor numbers over the park's history indicate that while it's certainly beneficial for Rockies hitters to play half their games at Coors Field, it is not the same park today that it was during the first seven years of its existence. As the Rockies gain national attention, this reputation is slowly changing, but it has taken a lot of time.

Rockies fans know better, of course, but the perception among many fans and ill-informed sportswriters leaguewide is that Coors Field is still a launching pad that makes All-Stars out of merely decent hitters. For example, when Matt Holliday was traded, the bulk of baseball fans and experts believed that his numbers were the result of hitting at Coors, and he would not be successful on another team. His struggles in Oakland appeared to support this notion, but then he went to St Louis and put up numbers (over half a season) which were even better than he ever did as a member of the Rockies. He got the big, fat contract he wanted, and maybe, just maybe, people started to realize that a great hitter at Coors Field may actually be a great hitter, period.

Maybe the sign should have been bigger...

Hooray For Spring!!! Featuring Part II of the "Coors Field Effect"

Hello dear readers! It is I, The Beard, enjoying another spring in Arizona! I must say, while I enjoy a nice quiet winter day on Earth as much as the next eternal entity, nothing beats spring, and spring sure comes early in Arizona. And speaking of "early in Arizona," the Rockies have looked pretty good so far. Cook and DLR have had impressive outings, and Jeff Francis' return to the mound, despite the expected hiccups, is encouraging. A good spring training doesn't always lead to a good season, but a good start to spring is better than a bad one.

This year, the Rockies find themselves in an unusual position: the favorite to win the NL West. While they prepare and get in shape this spring, I am also working out and getting trim (are you surprised, readers, that a time- and space-traveling Beard would have a sense of humor?) to be ready to help them take those steps towards greatness. I have much Beardly work to do in the next few weeks, and a few more days by the pool and watching baseball in the sun should have me just about ready to get to the job at hand. Until then, please enjoy the second of Year of the Beard's three-part series on the Coors Field Effect.

THE COORS FIELD EFFECT: PART II
Starring: 
The Colorado Rockies
The Humidor

and introducing "Duck-Hunting Boots" as The Staff of Ra

A Sad Pitcher... Get It?

For eight seasons, the Colorado Rockies struggled to put together a team that could win at Coors Field. Hitting was not a problem – the park was the most prolific offensive ballpark in MLB history – but even with the boost they got at home, the Rockies were not successful, as no matter how well they played at home, they displayed a curious inability to win on the road. The effect on Rockies pitching was disastrous, as the team’s ERA was miles behind the league average every year. Rockies’ management brought one star pitcher after another to Coors Field, with increasingly disappointing results. Many believed that the Rockies would never be competitive, and that the peculiarities of playing at such high altitude would forever reduce the Rockies to an interesting MLB sideshow. 

THE BEARD RETURNS!!! Featuring: The Coors Field Effect, Part I

Hello once again, kind-hearted, beautiful humans and Dodgers fans alike! It is I, The Beard, returning once again from my winter sabbatical, to welcome you to another baseball season! The sun peeks its head out over the eastern horizon, greeting the green grass, the birds singing their morning songs, and bears stumbling out of their caves to look for berries... and of course, the boys of summer preparing for their yearly endeavors. It is a special time of year.

As it happens, I am a bit early in arriving. Just a couple days ago, I was kicking it old school with some Beard colleagues in the Phelonx galaxy (which your Earth astronomers, possessing not even an echo of creativity, refer to as "JKCS041 galaxy cluster," a name which I admit has a certain flair but doesn't quite capture the feel of the place). After about six Phelonxian Xcharroobs (normally, three is plenty, but hey! I was on vacation) I happened to glance at the calendar out of the corner of one bleary eye. Phelonxians make a delicious beverage, but their calendars are nearly useless -- who really needs 178 months? -- and in my hazy state, I must sheepishly admit that I simply misread the thing. I ran home, packed a few things, and headed straight to Earth, just itching to see some spring baseball and frolicking horses and leprechauns polishing rainbows... and stepped right into a foot of snow. Sigh.

But I'm here now, and I'm extremely excited about this year's Rockies team. Two years ago, I concentrated on Ryan Spilborghs' greatness, and while he had a very good year, the Rockies ultimately disappointed me. I altered my approach last season, and focused on the team... Ryan was completely behind this decision, I assure you. As you recall, the team did very well, but Ryan did not have a very beardly season. This year, my challenge is to balance the two... and certainly, and extra month to prepare will come in handy, even if that month happens to be about 40 degrees below what I was enjoying just two days ago on the Beach of Xaxnar.

I will soon return with more thoughts on the 2010 Rockies season, which believe will prove to be a very special summer for us all. In the meantime, please sit back and enjoy the fruits of my winter labors: The Beard's three-part series on The Coors Field Effect.

Sincerely,
The Beard

THE COORS FIELD EFFECT
Exorcising the Ghost of This Long-Dead Legend.

The “Coors Field Effect” is the term used -- most often derisively -- to describe the unique qualities of playing baseball at Coors Field in Denver, Colorado, home of the Colorado Rockies. Many ballparks favor the hitter, but no ballpark demonstrated such a proclivity for offense as did Coors Field from 1995-2001, when its reputation as an extreme hitter's park was born. Despite evidence that the extreme effects of hitting at Coors Field have been largely minimized since the 2002 introduction of the "humidor," that reputation remains largely intact, and has had a profoundly negative effect on the reputation of Rockies hitters, who many fans and experts alike believe are not as talented as their accomplishments might suggest.

In this three-part series, The Year of the Beard will examine the Coors Field Effect. What causes it, and what comes from it? What can be (and has been) done to minimize the effect? Is the perception it creates about Rockies hitters a fair and accurate one? Is there evidence to suggest that the current methods used to adjust for a player's home park are unfair to Rockies hitters and pitchers? Are the best players in Rockies history – Larry Walker and Todd Helton – worthy of serious consideration for inclusion in the Baseball Hall of Fame?