Hall of Fame coach calls Tebow “The Perfect NFL Quarterback”

Canton, Ohio- NFL Hall of Fame coach Guy Chamberlain said today that Denver Broncos quarterback Tim Tebow “might be the perfect pro quarterback.”

Chamberlain, shown modeling the latest in football safety gear.

“This young man has all the tools to be one of the all-time greats,” explained Chamberlain. "He's a big, strong young man, and boy can he ever run. I’da loved to had him playing for us in Canton.”

Chamberlain was inducted into the Pro Football Hall of Fame in 1965, two years before his death at the age of 73. He was a successful college and professional player before moving to become a player-coach for four NFL championship teams, including back-to-back titles for the Canton Bulldogs in 1922 and 1923.

Chamberlain praised Tebow’s ability to run with the football and to take a big hit. "He's got a nose for the end zone, too," said Chamberlain. Chamberlain was also impressed with Tebow’s overall athletic ability, saying “If I’d a had a backfield of Tim Tebow and Jim Thorpe, I’d never have lost a game. Akron and Dayton wouldn'ta stood a chance.” When asked his opinion of Tebow’s ability to pass the football, Chamberlain responded, “We don’t run too many trick plays in Canton.”

Chamberlain expressed some concerns about Tebow’s character, saying “Any young man who poses for a photograph in nothin' but his undergarments just ain't been raised right,” but is otherwise impressed with the Broncos’ star. Chamberlain then changed subjects, moving on to spend several minutes praising the Cadillac Type 55 as “the finest automobile that money can buy."

Scientists Confirm Discovery of Second, Third Ways to Rock

Cambridge, Massachusetts - At a press conference earlier today, MIT researchers confirmed the existence of two newly discovered ways to rock. "We've all heard for years that there's only one way to rock," explained senior researcher Lars May, "but scientific evidence, including light-spectrum analysis and the study of gravitational abnormalities, has long hinted there must be more than just the one. Until recently, however, the technology at our disposal was insufficient to aid us in expanding our understanding of this phenomenon. But today, after many months of hard work by my research team at MIT, I'm proud to announce scientific proof of the existence of not one, but two previously unknown ways to rock."

"This is the culmination of nearly three years' worth of hard work from our research team," explained May. "I couldn't be prouder of the work my team has put into these studies." Dr. May told reporters that the full results of the study would be released in the upcoming Journal of American Rocking Studies. "We look forward to review from our peers," Dr. May said, "but I feel that our research has clearly proven the existence of not only a second, but even a third way to rock."

The surprise announcement was met with much skepticism by many in the rock community, including an official rebuke from the Hagar Institute. In a hastily-arranged press conference at their headquarters in Cabo San Lucas, Mexico, Hagar Institute spokesperson Nancy Walker stated, "Despite what some scientists may say, there are millions, if not billions, of people worldwide who believe there is only one way to rock. This knowledge came from the Red Rocker himself. Science has given us many great things, but it cannot replace faith."

The group's followers were equally skeptical of the MIT announcement. A man in his mid-20s who gave his name only as "Otto" said, "Man, we know the truth. The Red Rocker tells it like it is, man, he always has." The man paused to take a sip of a bright red drink from a guitar-shaped container hanging from his neck, and continued, "There's only three possibilities, man. He's a liar, he's crazy, or he's telling the truth. We know he ain't lyin', cause he said you'll know it's love when nothing's missing, and that's the truth, dude. He also said he can't drive 55, and now the limit is 75! He's a prophet, man! Is he crazy? Well, yeah man, he's a little crazy... but he's also telling the truth, no doubt about it. Those scientists can stick it!"

Hagar himself had no comment on MIT's findings, other than to say, "It's all good, brother. Them scientists can use their little calculators all they want, but I'm not gonna change my message. It's a fact. Now if you'll excuse me, it's 8:05."

The announcement was not without controversy even within the scientific community. Rival researchers at Stanford University staged their own press conference later in the day, verifying the MIT findings but also claiming to have found a fourth way to rock. When asked for comment, Dr. May scoffed at the Stanford findings, explaining that "It's well-known that there is a field of, shall we say, "minor" ways to rock out there that have not cleared the neighborhood of the now-established three ways. Stanford's discovery is, at best, a dwarf way to rock. We stand by our findings: there's only three ways to rock."

In a separate but related study, Stanford researchers found that there are actually 1,104,364 ways to make love, but that "...nobody could possibly even be thinking of more than about 300,000."

A Farewell from The Beard

Dearest readers, it is with a heavy heart that I must bid you farewell! This season has been a very trying time for me, The Beard, as I have attempted to channel greatness unto the Colorado Rockies. Unfortunately, I believe that many of the Rockies have reached the point where they are relying too much on the greatness of others, rather than trusting their own. In other words, The Beard has become a distraction, and my advice is too often being ignored.

In parallel universes, beards=evil, and the Rockies win on Sundays.

Even Ryan Spilborghs, the primary conduit of Beardly Greatness, is struggling mightily this season... barely even deserving his spot on the roster, much less a spot on The Beard's itinerary. There have been Beard-worthy performances this season, no doubt... Todd Helton has bounced back in a big way, putting together a fine season. Seth Smith has managed to exceed the expectations of just about everybody (except his manager, apparently, who still relegates him to platoon duty). Huston Street has a setup man's ability but a closer's attitude, and even though he has struggled at times, he is getting the job done.

However, few others have raised their play this season to Beard-worthy levels for any substantial stretch of time, which explains why the Rockies find themselves below .500 and ten games back of the Diamondbacks and Giants. One of those is a team that demonstrates just how far playing as a team, with passion and joy, can take you; and one shows that extremely good starting pitching can carry a pathetic offense much further than extremely good offense could ever hope to drag pathetic pitching.

So the best thing for me to do for the Rockies is what every parent must also do: to let them go and find their own path. I have held their hand, I have shown them the way, I have drawn out a little map on a paper napkin and tucked it into their pocket... but I sense that they are now waiting to for someone to pull them down that path, when true greatness comes to those who walk it alone.

This is not to say that you will not see manly, manly beards upon the Rockies' faces. In fact, many of the Rockies are sporting beards right now... as much as I'd like to think it's a "farewell" to me, I believe it's actually the result of the team realizing that they must find their Inner Beard, and let it out. In a season that has had too few, this is a positive sign. This is also not to say that I will not still be here to comment on the Rockies success (or lack thereof)... I will simply be an observer, like the rest of you.

However, my primary focus for the next year or so will be to find Peter Jackson and offer my assistance. His beard itself isn't quite up to my standards, but if I can keep The Hobbit from approaching Phantom Menace levels of suck, I will let the preppy-hobo look slide. Rockies fans, fear not! I will never be too far, but this team needs to learn to find the greatness within themselves, rather than counting on the greatness of The Universe to come through them.

The talent is there on this club, but the attitude is all wrong. Helton is there, as always, providing the "see the ball, hit the ball" example to follow... but too many of them ignore it, preferring Tulo's grip-it-and-rip-it philosophy. When a player with an unapologetically immature approach at the plate as Tulo is the "team leader" (and when the manager doesn't have the stones to hold his star player accountable for it), the result is a feast-or-famine team... which is what the Rockies have become. It is my hope that they will learn from this season, and soon return to the greatness for which they are destined!

Fondly,
The Beard

The Ian Stewart Drinking Game

It has been many moons since there has been an update to this blog, but we here at Year of the Beard have not been idle! Far from it! We have been devoting countless hours developing a new Drinking Game for Rockies fans everywhere! No, it does not involve drinking every time Jason Giambi strikes out in the 9th inning with the tying run at second base, nor does it require one to drink every time Huston Street does something that makes you sick to your stomach. Either of those would require you wait until the ninth inning, and this will not do. We needed to come up with something that the devoted Rockies fan/alcoholic could play all game long, and so we present to you: The Ian Stewart Drinking Game.

Ian Stewart, pictured here with his crotch.

The set-up for this game is simple: pour yourself a drink, and turn on a Rockies game... chances are good that even for you light-drinking Rockies fans and coaches out there, this has been your habit since early May, anyway. Then, simply follow the instructions below:

1. Take one drink every time Ian Stewart touches/grabs/rearranges his junk on camera. This can occur while playing defense, while running the bases, while at the plate, or when in the dugout.
2. If Ian Stewart either a) swings and misses, or b) slides into base, and fails to touch his junk afterwards, drink two times.
3. Combo: If Ian Stewart touches his junk with one hand, and then immediately switches hands and touches his junk with the other hand, chug.

It's that simple, folks. And with the beardful Stewart playing pretty darn well lately, he should be getting most of the starts for the remainder of the season, so you should be able to play pretty much every night! And even better, if you truly commit to this game, you should be passed out long before Giambi or Street trot into the game to ruin the rest of your evening. Enjoy!

Dozens Shocked by Schwarzenegger/Shriver Split

California - In news that surprised literally dozens of people worldwide, the marriage between bodybuilder/actor/politician Arnold Schwarzenegger and news reporter Maria Shriver appears to be over, the victim of infidelity. Schwarzenegger, it was revealed, fathered a child with a housekeeper over thirteen years ago, and kept it a secret from his family as he pursued the governorship of California.

I did not have sexual relations with that woman.Wait, which woman were you asking about again?

"I'm really shocked and saddened to hear that this storybook marriage has come to an end," said Sacramento resident Joanne Johnson, who claims to have met Schwarzenegger and his wife on more than one occasion. "Arnold was just the kindest man. I was at a fundraiser a few years back, and the governor was there. I stepped out to powder my nose, and sort of ran into Arnold in the hallway. He couldn't have been nicer, just a total gentleman."

"I was going through a pretty tough time then," Johnson explained. "I wasn't feeling too good about myself at the time, and I think he could tell. He pulled me aside, and told me that I had a really nice pair and a butt he could bounce a quarter off of, which I thought was just a very thoughtful thing to say."

"He really made my day," said Johnson.

California Senator Diane Feinstein expressed her surprise during an interview with CNN's Anderson Cooper earlier this week. "I can't believe it's true," said Senator Feinstein. "We had our differences politically, of course, but I never doubted the man's honesty. The man just could not lie to you, he was that sort of person."

Feinstein recalled one interaction she had with Schwarzenegger at a state function during his first year in office. "We were crowded around on the dais and I felt his hand against by backside. I turned to him and said 'Governor, please!' He looked me in the eye and said, 'I am sorry, it is a total accident, Diane. I have seen more ass than a toilet seat, and it will be a cold day in hell before I grope something as old and saggy as that.'"

"That's the sort of bold, unvarnished honesty everybody experienced when they dealt with Arnold," Feinstein explained. "I just have a hard time believing a straight shooter like that could have lied to his wife and family for so long."

Maria Shriver?

Among the other people - said to number from fifty to as many as the upper sixties - who were taken aback at the news was one-time costar Tom Arnold, who served as Schwarzenegger's comic relief in James Cameron's misogynistic masterpiece True Lies.


"Man, I tell ya, they were so tight, they were one of those couples that just looked right together, you know? Sometimes they were so in love it was hard to tell them apart," Arnold said excitedly. "True story: I was out having a beer not too long ago, and in walks Maria, kinda struts through the place the way she does, til she's like right behind me, and then she reaches one veiny arm around my waist and grabs my junk! Just grabs on and starts laughing! I was pretty thrilled about that, you know, despite the Skeletor thing. But then I turn around, and she pulled her hair off, and it turned out to be Arnie wearing a wig! I was still pretty excited, you know, but I mean, seriously! It was pretty sweet, we all laughed about it for a while."

At least one or possibly even two Hollywood insiders were also surprised at the news. "It really is a shock that Maria and Arnie's marriage ended because of something like this," said a well-known Hollywood reporter who asked that his name be withheld. "I mean, a huge movie star married to a Kennedy... I think I speak for at least eight or ten other people when I say, Who could have expected something like this?"

Stuff I bet you didn't know about Harmon Killebrew

Twins (and Senators) great Harmon Killebrew has passed away, a victim of cancer.

• When Killebrew retired in 1975, his 573 career home runs ranked him 5th on the list of all-time HR hitters, behind only Aaron, Ruth, Mays, and Robinson. (He is currently 11th.)
• Killebrew was the first (and one of only four) batter to hit a ball completely out of Tiger Stadium over the left-field roof.
• Killebrew hit 40 or more home runs in eight different seasons. Only Babe Ruth had more 40-HR seasons, with eleven. 
• Killebrew led the AL in home runs six times and in RBI three times. He also led the AL in walks four times. In 1969 (his only MVP season), he led the AL in all three categories.
• Killebrew was "discovered" by an Idaho senator, who told the Washington Senators' owner about a young man hitting .847 in an Idaho semi-pro league. When he debuted with the Senators at age 17, he was the youngest player in the majors.
• Killebrew claimed that his is the silhouette seen in the MLB logo. Judge for yourself:

• The Twins will wear their 1961 jerseys for every home game for the remainder of the 2011 season to honor Killebrew. The team has also encased a photo of Killebrew at bat beneath home plate at Target field.

RIP Killer!

Beard Shavings - April 16, 2011

Hello, faithful readers! This season has started strong for the Colorado Rockies, and I have been busy making sure greatness is filtering through to where it is needed. This will become a more difficult job as the schedule gets more difficult, but for now, we should be pleased with the Rockies' results. They won eleven games in April last season, and they are at that win total today, halfway through the month. A quick start guarantees nothing, but considering that they sit atop the NL West without much contribution from their starting 3B, LF, and #1 pitcher, I think there is much to be optimistic about this season.

Some of my best work!

Early last week, I was making a run to the Sun to pick up some hydrogen (don't ask, it's a Beard thing), and I received a question, in the form of a text message, that intrigued me. Normally, I would include this in an Ask The Beard segment, but as it requires a somewhat lengthy answer, I decided it would be best to focus on this question entirely. In fact, I found myself so lost in thought while reading this question that I completely overshot the Sun, and was slingshot back to 1983, where I was able to catch up (so to speak) with a little band from Texas as they were recording their next album.

Traveling through time is not something I do that often, due to space-time continuum ethics issues, but when it happens more-or-less accidentally, I don't mind taking the time to enjoy it and have a little fun. I wound up in Texas as the boys were putting the finishing touches on what would become the best-selling record of their career. The band wanted to call it "El Zed Zed." All I really did was to convince them that it was a pretty silly name that wasn't nearly as clever as they seemed to think. "I'd just eliminate that choice entirely," I said, and that kind of got the ball rolling. I'm sure the album would have sold a lot of copies no matter what they called it, but a significant portion of greatness lies in the fine-tuning, which fortunately is something I enjoy taking part in.

But anyway, back to the question. When I returned from 1983, I had what I think is a good answer ready to go, and I'd like to share it with you here.

Hey Beard,
If you were the comissioner [sic] of baseball, what would you change?
Bud S., New York

Hello there Bud, and thank you for your question. Being commissioner of baseball is a dream of mine, and I would very much like to see it come true. Unfortunately, since commissioner of baseball is a lifetime position and I am immortal, I have a feeling that I would not meet with their approval. I'd be a fantastic commissioner, though, because I understand that which makes the game special to its fans, and that's what the commissioner is supposed to do: to protect the game from the owners and players who would do it harm, either intentionally or not.

I believe I would make the following changes as soon as I sat behind the desk in the commissioner's office:

1). Eliminate interleague play. 
I know that there are many fans (and owners) who enjoy interleague, and fans in the "natural rivalry" cities may miss their annual face-off with their crosstown foe, but I believe interleague play has run its course. It causes far too many problems to be worthwhile.

Schedule balance is the primary issue: when teams within the same division do not play the same opponents, it will inevitably have an unfair effect on the outcome at the end of the season. Last season's NL West standings bear this out: the final standings almost perfectly mirror the ease of the teams' interleague schedule.

SF 92-70    Interleague opponent win %: .495
SD 90-72   IL%: .475
Col 83-79   IL%: .512
LA 80-82   IL%: .532
AZ 65-97   IL%: .550

How fair is it that the Dodgers and Diamondbacks each had to face the Red Sox and Yankees, while the Giants and Padres got the chance to beat up on Oakland, Baltimore, and Seattle? Now, one can certainly argue that the Diamondbacks would have been pretty bad regardless of whether or not they had that brutal interleague schedule, and the Padres could still have led the division for nearly the entire year without their creampuff AL opponents, but we will never know. I'm sure there are examples of teams who faced a tough schedule and still won their division... but the bottom line is that an unbalanced schedule is simply not fair.

In the interest of fairness, one of two things must happen: MLB must either expand interleague play so that each and every team plays each and every other team the exact same number of times, or eliminate it entirely, so that each team in a division plays the same schedule.

Interleague also causes scheduling problems, as seen in the Rockies' series against the Mets last week. It used to be that each team would face non-divisional opponents twice at each home park, but since the Rockies only visit the Mets once this year, they were forced to play a doubleheader on a getaway day to make up a game postponed earlier in the series. Had the weather forced a second postponement, the limits created by interleague scheduling would have presented a major problem in making up that game later in the season. For this reason, my decision would be to eliminate interleague play entirely.

2). Eliminate the designated hitter from the World Series.
This will be a very unpopular decision with many, many fans, but it must be done. I considered eliminating the DH entirely, which would be my personal preference... but it's been around so long at this point that it has an entire generation of fans who have grown up with that style of baseball. Sad, but true. Even stupid traditions are still traditions, so if the AL wants to have their little rule, so be it... but the rules of baseball are clear: the game is to be played with nine players, not ten, and therefore the series which decides the champion should be played with the real rules of the game.

AL baseball is checkers, NL baseball is chess. If you enjoy the dumbed-down version of this game, you have the AL... knock yourself out. However, the pinnacle of the game should be played with the rules which create the best game possible, and that means the rules the NL uses, in which a player's strengths must outweigh his weaknesses for him to be a full-time player.

3). Outlaw video replay.
This is not really a change, as replay isn't being used currently except for home run calls, but with the commissioner currently discussing its expansion, I would take steps to ensure that video replay is never used in major league baseball.

Many argue that the ultimate goal should be to "get the call right." I disagree... getting the call right should definitely be a goal, but the ultimate goal should be to create the best game possible. Injecting video replay into the game of baseball will disturb the pace of the game which has drawn fans for over a century, without even ensuring that the right call is made.

I bet it's smelly in there.

Let's look at the NFL for a moment. The NFL is a league which has nearly completely embraced video replay. Is their game now devoid of controversy? Did video replay eliminate all argument over officiating? No, absolutely not on both counts. The NFL has simply changed its rules to reflect the fact that human eyes are no longer making the calls, and the arguing over officiating continues. There will always be close plays, and with or without video replay, there will always be bad calls and controversy.

The NFL does have something going for it that makes replay a good fit, however: the way the game is played. The NFL is a one-way game of territory... you push forward, the other team pushes back, and the play ends. There are natural pauses in the game in which a video replay can be used, without interrupting the flow of an already-staccato game, and without seriously altering the result of that play.

Neither of those things are true in baseball. While baseball is definitely a slow-paced game, it does have a pace, and long pauses while the umps retire below the stadium to review a play will dramatically alter that pace. There are clearly people who don't like the pace of baseball, and would like to see it changed... to them I say: find a different sport that matches the pace you expect, and leave baseball alone, because there are millions of fans who enjoy baseball because of its pace.

Furthermore, football's linear nature creates a clear pattern for each play: huddle, line up, snap, move downfield X amount of yards, whistle, return to huddle, repeat. Each and every play begins and ends the exact same way, and this pattern leaves plenty of spots not only to review the play, but also to give a fair re-start of play after a review is complete. If a player in the NFL runs for a touchdown, and the video replay shows that he stepped out of bounds at the 20, the next play is simply started at the 20, and they move on from there.

Baseball does not progress like that, however, and a replay overriding an ump's call creates problems without easy answers. For example: a shot down the line is ruled foul by the third-base ump. Everybody stops running and returns to their positions, but then the replay reveals that the ball was actually fair. Would it have been a single? A double? Would the left fielder have bobbled it, allowing a run to score? We will never know, because an interrupted play in baseball never actually happens.

As commissioner, I would do two things: I would add umps down the foul lines, as is currently done during the playoffs. These umps would have the sole duty of determining fair/foul calls beyond the bases, home run calls, and catch/no-catch calls in the outfield. I believe that this would address many of the officiating issues that are currently motivating people to call for replay in baseball.

The other thing I would look into is a real-time line monitoring system, such as is currently used in tennis to judge balls that are in or out. If the umps have a real-time computer system (a light on the scoreboard, an audible signal the ump can hear through an earpiece, etc.) which indicates if a ball is fair or foul, or over the fence or not, then the call could be made in real time, allowing the play to unfold as it would have naturally. This would also allow the umps to give more focus to their primary jobs, which are balls and strikes, and safe/out calls at the bases.

There are other things that I, The Beard, would address as Commisioner of Baseball: the salary structure should be more fair to small-market teams, but it's unclear how to do that without making it more unfair to big-market teams. The season could be shortened so that we don't have baseball in November, but that brings up other scheduling issues. The postseason could be shortened, eliminating days off, but then the TV networks would cry. So there are many things I would look into, but the three I've listed would be where I would start.

Thank you for reading! The Rockies face a big test later this week, as the World Champion Giants come to town. Hopefully the Rockies have their juiced balls ready to switch in at a moment's notice, and they can fire a few of them straight up Tim Lincecum's butt.

Excelsior!

What We Know After The First Series Of The Year

Dear Friends,

It is all too common to see fans predict the outcome of a baseball season based on what they see early on. So here, I will sum up what we have learned about the upcoming season for the Colorado Rockies.

Thanks for Reading,
The Beard

1). TROY TULOWITZKI WILL STRUGGLE
Without even a single hit against the Diamondbacks, it seems that Tulo is in for a difficult year.

2). ROCKIES WILL LEAVE RUNNERS STRANDED
The Rockies have left an average of nearly 15 runners on base per game. This is awful!

3). CHRIS IANNETTA WILL HAVE A HUGE YEAR
Iannetta is on pace for almost 250 hits and over 160 doubles this season, which will put him among the game's elite catchers ever.

4) ROCKIES PITCHERS' FINGERS WILL ALL FALL OFF
Every Rockies starter has dealt with finger issues this year. Will it ever end? Chances are it won't.

5) THE ROCKIES WILL POSTPONE ALMOST 30 HOME GAMES
Weather looks to be a big factor this season, as 1/3 of all their games will be snowed out.


See, fans? All the trends are already set. No real reason to watch the rest of the season, so enjoy all that free time!

GIANTS FAN ATTACKED AFTER DODGER GAME

http://sports.espn.go.com/los-angeles/mlb/news/story?id=6280485

Two men dressed in Dodgers gear followed some Giants fans to their car at Dodger Stadium last night, attacking one Giants fan and putting him in the hospital in critical condition. The two men accused of this attack are still at large.

Perhaps the most shocking thing about this story is the fact that there were still Dodger fans at the stadium at the end of the game.

Opening Day! Callooh! Callay!

Welcome, Dear Reader(s), to another baseball season at Year of The Beard! I, Ryan Spilborghs' Beard, am pleased to be back, and am very much looking forward to the 2011 baseball season.

I have spent the last few weeks at the Rockies' new home in Scottsdale. As the Rockies begin the process of getting into shape for the regular season, I was in the process of preparing their beardliness, in order to channel as much greatness to the team as possible.

Even as an omniscient Beard, I hesitate to put too much emphasis on spring training results. I have seen plenty of teams have tremendous springs, only to fall flat on their faces once the games count. However, there have been some very positive things to note about the Rockies this spring; I hope you will allow me to relay them to you now.

INJURIES

Cook injured himself posing for this photo.

Rarely does a team make it through Spring Training without some sort of injury, and the Rockies this year are no exception. However, the Rockies' injury situation as they enter the regular season is very positive. There were only two injuries to speak of: suddenly-snakebit Aaron Cook broke his finger, throwing wide-open the competition for the fifth spot in the rotation; and Ian Stewart injured his knee in the first game in a collision with Carlos Gonzalez. Cook will likely miss a good portion of the season, but Stewart may be ready for Opening Day.

All things considered, however, the Rockies lineup looks pretty healthy. With the team's tendency to get off to slow starts (to be kind) in everybody's mind, having their full lineup ready to go on April 1st could be a key to the season.

ROTATION

Even before Cook's injury, the competition for the fifth spot in the rotation was going to be a central theme for this year's spring training. With Ubaldo written in pen as the #1 starter, DLR, Chacin, and Hammel pretty solidly set as the #2-4 guys, the fifth spot this year was a refreshing competition for the guy who pitched the best, not merely the guy who pitched the least-worst. Too often in the Rockies' history have the bottom spots in the rotation gone to the guys who simply pitched well enough to not get cut... but this year, somebody actually won the fifth spot: Esmil Rodgers. 

In 2010, Jhoulys Chacin set the NL record for most times mispronounced.

The Rockies' rotation still does not get much respect nation-wide, and I suppose that they must earn it. While they do not match up with the Phillies or the Giants, the Rockies have a very solid rotation, with five guys who could pretty easily all win ten games, and three that should top fifteen wins. Jhoulys Chacin may very well be a star in the making, folks... keep an eye on him.

LINEUP

I consider it a sign of a very good team when there are no real battles for the starting lineup spots. The Rockies came into spring with pretty much every defensive position set except second base, and that's how they leave spring training.

Second base is still a question, but I have the feeling that both Jonathan Herrera and Jose Lopez will see about equal playing time there. It is a good mix there: Herrera a slick fielding contact hitter and Lopez an adequate defender with plenty of power.

First base will see the return of Todd Helton. A drastically different approach to his back problems has seen Helton have a very good spring. The question is whether that back will hold up... when in previous years Helton pampered it, this year he is working it hard. He may run a greater risk of hurting his back, but then again, he may just strengthen it enough to return to the form we saw in 2009, where he proved that a healthy Todd Helton is still one of the very best hitters in the NL.

Shortstop is, of course, manned by the Rockies' star, Troy Tulowitzki. The only question with Tulo, it seems, is whether he will stay healthy. If he does, there is no limit to what Tulo can do.

Third base is a question mark, not based on who will play there, but on what he will do. Ian Stewart has tons of potential and as much power as anybody in the NL West, but everyone seems frustrated that he has not realized that potential. This is likely Stewart's make-or-break season: realize even a portion of his massive potential (both at the plate and in the field), and he's an All-Star and the Rockies are legitimate contenders... come up short, and he may find himself platooning with Wigginton, or even on the trading block. His injury in the first spring training game makes it tough to judge just where he's at, but I'm sure we will find out soon.

Spilly and me, together again.

The outfield is set, with Dexter Fowler in center, Carlos Gonzalez in left, and Seth Smith/Ryan Spilborghs in right. Smith in RF poses a similar question as does Stewart at 3B: last season, Smith wanted (and earned) a starting job, and then promptly folded once it was given to him. If Smith can demonstrate that last year was a fluke, the Rockies will have a very good outfield. If not, Smith could find himself on the trading block by mid-season.

Catcher was not a question going into spring training, but that didn't stop people from stressing out about it. Chris Ianetta has a great eye and is as strong as an ox, but he seems to have confidence problems and is prone to hellacious slumps at the plate. Without the safety net of a veteran catcher, Iannetta also has a sink-or-swim opportunity in front of him this season.

A pic of Iannetta, added for Mrs. Beard's benefit.

Ty Wigginton will be what the Rockies hoped Melvin Mora would be last season: a professional bat who can hold his own at various spots on the field. Jason Giambi returns for his limited role as an NL designated hitter. And with Herrera/Lopez and Spilborghs/Smith on the bench, the Rockies have some power when they need it in the late innings.

The commitment to keep Giambi on the roster, coupled with the likely platoon at 2B, creates a problem regarding the one big surprise in spring training this year: "Invite him to ST as a favor" CF Willy Tavares had a fantastic, Beard-worthy spring, and could really bring some versatility to the Rockies' lineup. To have his sort of speed on the bench, plus the sort of small-ball bat that the team largely lacks, would be a huge benefit... but the team has committed to so many infielders that there's no spot for Tavares. For Taveras' sake, I hope the Rockies can either trade him or release him, because after the spring he had, he should be on a MLB roster. But for the Rockies' sake, I hope he reports to Colorado Springs, and waits patiently for the Rockies to call him up.

BULLPEN

Anybody who says they can guess what a bullpen will be like during the season based on what they see in spring training is a liar. Bullpens are weird: they are often much more than the sum of their parts, and just as often they are much less. But for what it's worth, the Rockies have some good parts out there. When Matt Daley doesn't make the roster, there's some depth out there. Huston Street seems healthy, and they have at least three other closer-quality arms out there: Morales, Lidstrom, and Belisle. With Paulino, Reynolds, and Betancourt rounding things out, the pieces are all there for a very successful bullpen.

So there you have it, friends. Winter is over. Go Rockies!

Charlie Sheen's Career Found Dead

Sheen's Career in Healthier Days.

Los Angeles - Charlie Sheen's career was found dead Monday at the age of 27, an apparent homicide. "It's too early to say anything definitively," said Los Angeles Police Department detective Frank Drebin, "but the lab boys think there may have been tiger blood in its veins."

Sheen's career had been displaying signs of manic depression in recent weeks. A month ago, Sheen was the highest-paid performer on television for his role on Two and A Half Men. Today, his career lies dead, its face melted off and its children weeping over its exploded body.

The LAPD homicide division has been assigned to the case, and suspects that Sheen, 45, had own career hunted down and killed. "It looks like a hit to me," remarked Drebin. "We have collected statements by neighbors who have told us that Sheen's career was desperate to get back on track, and was planning to beg for a part in Oliver Stone's upcoming project, but that Sheen was dead-set against it."

"He almost made it," remarked Drebin at the crime scene, less than a hundred yards from Stone's Hollywood office. "But that Charlie Sheen is a high priest assassin warlock."

"Charlie and his career had been at odds for some time," said Sheen's father, Martin Sheen, "and I think his career had just had enough. There's only so much abuse a career can take."

Actor/director Emilio Estevez, Charlie Sheen's older brother, added, "Charlie's career had hit rock bottom. It called me right around Thanksgiving, begging me to find a role for it in a new Mighty Ducks movie. That's when I knew things were a lot worse than we thought."

When asked how Sheen's career could have been at such a desperate point despite Sheen's nearly $2 million salary per episode for his hit TV series, Estevez replied, "Charlie was basically just slutting himself out on Two And A Half Men, and that was hard for his career to deal with. Charlie raked in the cash, but his career was really just miserable. Shit, that show was on for what, eight years? It's supposed to be a sitcom, and I've laughed at it maybe ten times. Ever. To go from Spin City to that would be hard for any career, even mine."

"It's sad, it really is," added the elder Sheen. "I mean, he was in Platoon. We were in Wall Street together. His lines from Major League will be quoted for a hundred years in baseball parks everywhere. And to go from that to this... it's a career cut far too short."

"It's not as if nobody saw this coming," said noted TV know-it-all Dr. Phil. "There were many instances in the last year or so that could be seen as calls for help," explained Dr. Phil. "Sheen's career's struggles to survive despite Sheen's repeated attempts to destroy it were stressful on both of them, and in a relationship like that, sooner or later one of them is going to win, and the other will end up dead. Charlie Sheen is the winner here."

When asked by TMZ how he would continue with his career now deceased, Charlie Sheen reportedly answered, "Yeah, I killed it. I killed it with a swollen torpedo of truth, man. I deployed my ordnance, and it was radical. Career? Who needs it? My career was nothing without me. I've been turning this crap into gold for years, man, and for what? Millions of dollars a week? A mansion on every continent with hot and cold crack dispensers in every room? Porn stars up to here? Don't need it. Never did. All I need's right here," Sheen said, gesturing towards an empty spot of air apparently about eight feet above his shoulder. Sheen then conversed with this empty spot for the next thirty-seven minutes in a language he described as "extraterrestrial hieroglyphics," until the interviewer grew uncomfortable and left.

PETER FORSBERG TO JOIN AVS INJURED RESERVE LIST

Forsberg stretching out before a 2008 disabled list appearance.

DENVER - In a highly-anticipated move, the Colorado Avalanche announced today that onetime star Peter Forsberg would be rejoining the team's injured reserve list in 2011, possibly as soon as the team's Monday game in Phoenix.

Once one of the NHL's greatest players and the winner of the 2003 Hart trophy, Forsberg last appeared on Colorado's injured reserve list during the second half of the 2007/08 season. He spent the following three years on the injured reserve list of his hometown Swedish team, MoDo, as well as appearing on the Swedish Olympic team's injured reserve list in 2010.

"The NHL is the greatest injured reserve list in the world," Forsberg said after the announcement, "and I just wanted to give it one more try. If I can't make it on the Avs' injured reserve list, I'm ready to hang up my skates."

Avalanche coach Joe Sacco had this to say: "We are really excited to see what Peter can bring to our injured reserve list. We have a lot of young players on this list, and I'm really hoping that the leadership a great player like Forsberg can bring will really help us, both for this season and down the road."

Before the Avs stepped on the ice for practice on Sunday, Avalanche captain Adam Foote said, "Yeah, I'm definitely excited to have Foppa come back. In the whole history of this game, there aren't many players with his kind of experience on the IR, and that's just invaluable. You can't really underestimate what he can bring to our injured reserve list. I mean, even if he's just day-to-day, he's going to have a huge influence."

Avs forward Peter Mueller, on the Avs' injured reserve list since the preseason with a concussion, was excited to have Forsberg join him on the list. "A guy who spends as much time on the IR as I do can really learn a lot from a veteran like Forsberg," Mueller said. "I can't wait!"

NFL ALLEGEDLY HOLDS 2011 PRO BOWL.

Jan 31, 2011

Hawaii - The NFL claimed to have held the 2011 NFL Pro Bowl yesterday, with the NFC All-Pros supposedly defeating the AFC 55-41 in what was called "one of the strangest Pro Bowl Games nobody has ever seen."

After a one-year trial in Florida, apparently, nearly 50,000 fans professed to have seen the game's return to its long-time home: Aloha Stadium in Honolulu, Hawaii, which the NFL insists has been the site of the game since 1980.

The NFC All-Pros, ostensibly led by Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Michael Vick, purportedly took advantage of five AFC turnovers to feasibly build a 42-0 lead by halftime. The AFC squad in all likelihood scored a few second-half touchdowns to make the stated final score close, including one probably on a muffed kickoff return, and another, it seems reasonable to believe, on a double-lateral pass play in the game's final minute?

"This game was so strange, it had to be seen to be believed," remarked announcer Terry Bradshaw, without a hint of irony.