Scientists Confirm Discovery of Second, Third Ways to Rock

Cambridge, Massachusetts - At a press conference earlier today, MIT researchers confirmed the existence of two newly discovered ways to rock. "We've all heard for years that there's only one way to rock," explained senior researcher Lars May, "but scientific evidence, including light-spectrum analysis and the study of gravitational abnormalities, has long hinted there must be more than just the one. Until recently, however, the technology at our disposal was insufficient to aid us in expanding our understanding of this phenomenon. But today, after many months of hard work by my research team at MIT, I'm proud to announce scientific proof of the existence of not one, but two previously unknown ways to rock."

"This is the culmination of nearly three years' worth of hard work from our research team," explained May. "I couldn't be prouder of the work my team has put into these studies." Dr. May told reporters that the full results of the study would be released in the upcoming Journal of American Rocking Studies. "We look forward to review from our peers," Dr. May said, "but I feel that our research has clearly proven the existence of not only a second, but even a third way to rock."

The surprise announcement was met with much skepticism by many in the rock community, including an official rebuke from the Hagar Institute. In a hastily-arranged press conference at their headquarters in Cabo San Lucas, Mexico, Hagar Institute spokesperson Nancy Walker stated, "Despite what some scientists may say, there are millions, if not billions, of people worldwide who believe there is only one way to rock. This knowledge came from the Red Rocker himself. Science has given us many great things, but it cannot replace faith."

The group's followers were equally skeptical of the MIT announcement. A man in his mid-20s who gave his name only as "Otto" said, "Man, we know the truth. The Red Rocker tells it like it is, man, he always has." The man paused to take a sip of a bright red drink from a guitar-shaped container hanging from his neck, and continued, "There's only three possibilities, man. He's a liar, he's crazy, or he's telling the truth. We know he ain't lyin', cause he said you'll know it's love when nothing's missing, and that's the truth, dude. He also said he can't drive 55, and now the limit is 75! He's a prophet, man! Is he crazy? Well, yeah man, he's a little crazy... but he's also telling the truth, no doubt about it. Those scientists can stick it!"

Hagar himself had no comment on MIT's findings, other than to say, "It's all good, brother. Them scientists can use their little calculators all they want, but I'm not gonna change my message. It's a fact. Now if you'll excuse me, it's 8:05."

The announcement was not without controversy even within the scientific community. Rival researchers at Stanford University staged their own press conference later in the day, verifying the MIT findings but also claiming to have found a fourth way to rock. When asked for comment, Dr. May scoffed at the Stanford findings, explaining that "It's well-known that there is a field of, shall we say, "minor" ways to rock out there that have not cleared the neighborhood of the now-established three ways. Stanford's discovery is, at best, a dwarf way to rock. We stand by our findings: there's only three ways to rock."

In a separate but related study, Stanford researchers found that there are actually 1,104,364 ways to make love, but that "...nobody could possibly even be thinking of more than about 300,000."