Beard Retreats from Galaxy, Vows Revenge

The False Idol

Bad news, friends. Following the Giants' World Series victory, Ryan Spilborghs' Beard has left our galaxy for the year. He was last seen shuffling past Neptune, mumbling something about Giants closer Brian Wilson "making a mockery of the universe." He was also heard to say that "next year, the Rockies are going to shove (unintelligible) straight up their asses!" before disappearing in a multicolored flash of light.

While this might seem to be bad news, it's pretty much par for the course as far as The Beard is concerned. Perhaps a bit negative for him, but pretty standard November behavior nonetheless. The Beard has always lost interest in our neck of the universe right about the time baseball season ends. Not that I blame him... the sun goes away, it gets cold, leaves start to fall, people are so desperate for sports that they actually start watching basketball... it's really just a miserable time of year, and The Beard chooses to spend the offseason in other locales. Who wouldn't?

We can't feel as if The Beard has abandoned us, we should be grateful that he spends so much time with us in the first place! We should not be greedy. The Beard does not belong to us. We must simply trust that he will return with the spring.

Not that there aren't some positives about fall and winter (hockey, warm alcoholic beverages, falling asleep on the couch halfway through the Lions game on Thanksgiving day), but for the most part, we here on planet Earth spend the bulk of winter remembering how awesome it will be when spring and summer get here. I think this is why baseball fans -- even Pirates and Orioles faithful -- get so excited about Spring Training: the winter makes us forget anything bad that might have happened last summer, and brings to mind only the warmth and good that lies ahead.

So bring it on, Winter! Do your worst!