When Does the Good Baseball Start?

Greetings readers! I realize it has been a long time since I have checked in with you, but things have been chaotic with the Rockies thus far. Many fans throughout the universe have blamed injuries, bad breaks, and slumps for the Rockies sub-.500 record, but the honest truth of the matter is that they've played pretty lousy baseball. I, as a Beard of Nearly Infinite Power, have been unable to turn things around so far, and it's bothered me.

I was at a loss. I contacted pretty much every omniscient being in my address book, and nobody seemed to have any good advice for me. Frankly, I was bummed. This season started with so much anticipation, so many great things laid out before the Colorado Rockies, that to see them stumble out of the gate once again just left me in a funk. So for the last week or so, I pretty much just sat by the pool at ARIA and got hammered. Olivo's game-winning HR two days ago shook me out of my stupor, albeit briefly, and for about 18 hours I thought I saw the light. Against the Nationals last night, however, the bullpen gave up what, like 8 runs? That light was yet another train, and I crawled straight back into the bottle before the 9th inning even started. This morning I was presented with a staggering headache and room service bill that would make Hunter S. Thompson blink hard. Unaccustomed as I am to carrying any sort of cash with me (and, to be honest, still quite drunk), I panicked, and decided to get out of town.

As I made my hasty escape through the hotel's parking garage, I slipped in a puddle of some vile liquid near the bottom of a flight of stairs, and landed flat on my back. Right then, for whatever reason, I had a Moment of Clarity: I realized that for as long as the Rockies have been playing sloppy, uninspiring, shitty baseball this season, I -- The Beard -- have not been posting on Year of the Beard! The last post here, in fact, was after Ubaldo's no-hitter. Have they played well since then? Clearly not.

There are no coincidences in the universe, my friends... the key is to see the pattern, and at that moment, laying on my back on a concrete floor, staring up at two armed and impatient security guards, I saw the pattern. For all the things I have tried to do to get the Rockies to realize their greatness, it was something I was NOT doing which was the sole cause of their struggles. So now, I am back, posting my thoughts on the Rockies and other Important Doings in The Universe. Just you wait and see... this is the Key to Everything.

As far as the Rockies go, they need to pitch better, hit better, field better, and run the bases better. Once they have those details sorted out, they can work on catching the Padres. Ha ha, just a little joke there. We all know that los Padres will fall out of first place like a blind roofer on roller skates. The Giants are the squad the Rockies will be chasing this summer, but they'd better start soon.

Sincerely,

The Beard