Ask the Beard

Hello readers, and welcome to another edition of Ask the Beard! Each month, Ryan Spilborghs' Beard will answer your questions, on topics ranging from the mundane, to discussions of baseball and the nature of the universe. Get your questions in, and perhaps The Beard will answer yours! Only two topics are off limits: The Beard will not respond to questions about either the afterlife or Chuck Norris.

And now, on to this month's questions!

Hey Beard- So, obviously the Rockies are not very good. Like, the worst team in the majors. I thought you predicted greatness and all that this year? The Rockies aren't great, so who sucks, them or you? J. Blues, Chicago

Great question J, and thank you. I am the first to admit that the Rockies' win-loss record is not great, nor has been their play on the field on many nights. Other than Aaron Cook and Taylor Buchholz, there have been no beard-worthy pitchers. And as far as situational hitting is concerned, the Rockies don't have any hair on their backsides, to say nothing of hair on their chins. I do apologize to the Rockies Faithful who believed that I would lead the team to greatness this season. But as the saying goes, you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink. Or hit, apparently. Ryan and I have been doing our best, and I think you'll agree that Ryan has had an excellent season so far. However, Ryan Spilborghs is the only player that my beardness can actually help to achieve greatness... others must simply follow our lead, and they have not done so. I think maybe you should talk to Hurdle instead. THE BEARD HAS SPOKEN!

Hey Beard! I'm at a blackjack table at the Venetian in Vegas and I have a soft thirteen, the dealer has a five showing! What should I do? - C. Barkley, Las Vegas

Hello C, thank you for your question. This is a perfect spot for you to double down. With either 5 or 6 showing, the dealer will bust about 42% of the time. which is the best odds you'll see. And since you cannot bust by taking just one card, in the event that the dealer does not bust out, nearly a third of the cards in the deck would give you a hand of 18 or better. So take this opportunity to double your bet and gain a brief advantage over the house. And when you're done at the tables, The Beard recommends you grab dinner at the Grand Lux Cafe. Good luck! THE BEARD HAS SPOKEN!

Dear Ryan Spilborghs' Beard,
Hello! At the beginning of the year, you were a big, manly beard all over Spilborghs' face. I couldn't take my eyes off of him... or you. But then, you started all this changing of styles and now you're just a little pointy soul patch. The full beard was mesmerizing and powerful. Now Ryan looks like the guy behind counter at Starbucks. What do you call those guys? They have a big fancy name for themselves to make it sound like they've got a degree or something, but all they do is pour coffee. G. Paltrow, Los Angeles

Hello G, and thank you for your question. The shape and style of Ryan's facial hair is a topic about which he and I have had many discussions. As an Eternal Beard who has roamed space and time, I feel that I do have a certain level of expertise in this arena, and I have long felt that the full beard is the best choice for those who want to truly exude power and greatness. If one has the ability to connect all the parts of one's face with a path of coarse, manly hair, one has the ability to do anything... and everybody who sees you will know it!

A word of warning to the readers, however: the full beard is not for everyone. Like anything exceedingly powerful -- be it a Rottweiler, He-Man's sword, nuclear weaponry, or a Big Gulp filled with a 50-50 mix of Kool-aid and Everclear -- the full beard can be disastrous, if not deadly, when the young, the inexperienced, or the timid attempt to wield it.

Getting back on track, though, Ryan and I certainly worked well together in that configuration, but after a while he requested we alter the look. Why? Two words: the ladies.

You really must be immortal to gain a decent understanding of women; yet given enough time to study them, even a human male can learn a great deal about how women think. One thing I would tell you males is this: ladies love the Big Beard. Women love the full beard, because women love great and powerful men, and that's what the full beard is all about! Although you seem to understand this important point, G, the initial reaction from the ladies to the beard is many times a fearful one... it often takes a great deal of time for most women to realize that the beard is not a threat to them and will not harm them. Time is one thing I have plenty of; human males, on the other hand, have a somewhat shorter attention span. When they walk into a bar filled with attractive women, they want instant results. Although entering a board room or striding up to the plate with a full beard gains those instant results from one's peers, the same beard forces its owner to adopt a more long-term plan with the ladies, and long-term plans don't always fit into the plan, if you know what I mean.

So Ryan and I cycled through a number of compromises. I personally liked the Musketeer that we had going for a while, but Ryan has decided on the Royale (the "soul patch," as you called it). As a wise and supreme Beard, I have no ego to bruise, and if Ryan feels more comfortable in social situations without the full beard, then it is my wish to do whatever supports him best. Rest assured, it does not affect my ability to channel greatness unto him on the baseball diamond... it actually makes it easier to concentrate and focus my power.

Oh, and G, the person that pours your coffee is called a "barista." It sounds important and flashy, but it's just the Italian word for "bartender," so don't get all intimidated. THE BEARD HAS SPOKEN!


Hello Beard. We recently moved our couch to the other side of the room, and it left these big dents in the carpet. It's really mashed down since my husband is overweight and we haven't move our couch for like twenty years. Is there a way to get the carpet to stand back up straight again? Thanks! - M Simpson, Springfield

Hello M, great question. Put an ice cube on the carpet, right in the center of each dent. By the time it melts, you will have wet carpet but it will be standing up nice and straight. THE BEARD HAS SPOKEN!





Hey Beard! Rockies question for ya. Who in the Rockies lineup needs to go? Will they be trading away a bunch of people soon? - J Nix, Colorado Springs

Thank you for your question J. The Rockies roster will definitely look quite a bit different at the end of this season, unless they suddenly go on a 20-game win streak and make themselves relevant again. As the beacon of greatness and optimism, I remind you all that this is still a possibility! But look for Garrett Atkins, Brad Hawpe, and Brian Fuentes to be traded this season, possibly very soon. Moving Holliday is a distinct possibility, because even though he has another full year under contract to the Rockies, that makes him much more attractive to trade partners. Finally, the guy they really should unload as soon as possible is Willy Taveras. The only thing he brings to the team -- speed on the basepaths -- requires him to first get on base. Which he cannot do.

Oh, and look for Hurdle to be fired soon after the All-Star Game (unless, of course, the above-mentioned return to relevance occurs promptly). They can't really fire the guy who's scheduled to manage the All-Star team, but for whatever traction he had building a young, overachieving team with lots to prove, he clearly has none with a team expected to contend. THE BEARD HAS SPOKEN!


Well, that's all for this months' column! Go Rockies!!!