Ryan Spilborghs' Beard, the Most Powerful Beard in the Galaxy, Comments on the Colorado Rockies and Other Less-Important Parts of Life.
Sunday, May 10, 2009
Worse Than the Rockies: The NBA!
Hello, and welcome to "Worse Than the Rockies." Today, we're going to stay away from movie reviews, and answer a sports question: why watching the NBA is worse than watching a Rockies game, or any other pro sport for that matter.
Why pick on the entire sport of basketball, you ask? I answer: pay attention, man! I'm not picking on basketball; basketball in and of itself is fine, and it's a great stage for some tremendous athletes to show their stuff. I'm picking on the NBA, which is easily the worst, least interesting, and just plain dumbest of the major professional sports leagues... and yes, that even includes NASCAR.
Something happened last night to make my passive disinterest in the NBA boil over to this active disinterest: the Nuggets beat the Mavericks on a last-second 3-pointer. Exciting! Nuggets up three games to none! So, what's the issue? Well, after the game -- as after nearly every NBA game -- the losing team griped about the officiating. But last night, the Mavericks complained that a foul wasn't called in the final seconds... on the Mavericks. They wanted a foul called against them, they didn't get it, and they blame this non-call for the Nuggets' victory... and the league agreed with them!!!
Think about this for a sec: the Mavs were in a position where doing something against the rules would benefit them, they tried to do that thing intentionally, and then they were upset that they were not penalized. It's stupid to complain that a foul wasn't called against you, but it's even stupider when you realize that the rules of the game actually encourage this strategy! Combine these dumb rules with the fact that the NBA has -- far and away -- the worst officiating of any pro sport, and you're watching a sport with dumb rules poorly enforced. Strikes one and two.
We can look past these flaws, however, if the games were exciting and fun to watch. Unfortunately, they are usually anything but. There's speed, skill, and amazing athleticism, but the NBA still manages to package these in a meaningless and boring game. It's a league where the highlights are incredible, but the games suck.
Most basketball games end in scores in the 100s. By examining the rules a bit, I see that your standard basket is worth two points, which means that each team scores about 50 times a game, and often more. Some people would call that exciting, right? Well, not me. You can't show me a 120-112 score and tell me that all that scoring makes it exciting, because I know just how cheap every basket is. You jog down the court, pass the ball around a bit, and then throw it at the rim before the clock runs out. It might go in, or maybe not... but you get the ball back in 24 seconds anyway, so no big deal.
High-scoring NBA games are like when you try to trick a kid just learning to count by telling him you'll give him 100 pennies, and he thinks it's a ton of money because hey, it's a hundred! Then you hand him a dollar and he's like, WTF, dude? He just learned the lesson that NBA fans haven't: a big number isn't impressive if the little numbers are meaningless.
If you watch an NBA game, there will always be a point in the game where a team goes on a 18-0 run and is up by 20-something points. Coming back from this deficit should be truly exciting: if you've been scored on by your opponent nine straight times, you are getting schooled. In football, you'd be down 40+ points, or down 7-8 runs in baseball, or three laps back in a car race. Coming back at this point almost never happens, so it'd be exciting, right? You'd think so, but not in the NBA. In the NBA, this happens in every single game! And as such, it becomes the opposite of exciting, it becomes expected. We're calling that "boring."
And finally, is there anything more boring than the last 60 seconds of an NBA game? Foul, free throw, time out, repeat. It's like one game for 47 minutes, and then it becomes a completely different game til the end... the tempo, the strategy, and the scoring are nothing like what we saw the rest of the game, and that's the sign of a bad sport.
I know I was just complaining that the first 47 minutes are full of speed and dunks and athleticism but they somehow still manage to be boring, so you might think that a complete change from that for the final minute would be a good thing... but it isn't. The final minute of a game manages to take the few things that basketball does have going for it and throw them out. It's like watching a chess match when each guy has a king and a pawn left. Yawn. For 47 minutes, it's fast but boring, then it becomes slow and boring.
One more thing: free throws. I like the concept: you do something against the rules, the other team gets a chance for free points. Beautiful. The problem is this: these are supposed to be the best basketball players in the world, and a free throw is basketball at its most basic form: stand there, shoot the ball. They should have been doing exactly that since about age seven. This year, only five NBA players hit 90% or more of their free throws. The best free-throw shooting team in the league hit just over 82% of their free throws, and the average team is somewhere around 75%. This is ridiculous! I can't take a league seriously when the best athletes in the world can't successfully complete the easiest, most fundamental part of the game more than 3/4 of the time.
So here's what you need to do, NBA, to avoid being Worse Than the Rockies: step one: get rid of any benefit for fouling the other team... give the other team free throws AND the ball back. For every free throw you miss, give that point to the other team. Get rid of the little lighted arrow that decides whose turn it is to have the ball. Fire all your refs and replace them with monkeys with whistles. Make the last 2:00 of the game a running clock with no time-outs, and make goaltending legal. Until those changes happen, NBA, you're Worse Than the Rockies. 2/4 Dingers.
Monday, May 4, 2009
Ask The Beard
Hello readers! Welcome to another edition of "Ask The Beard." The Beard gives us a little time every month or so to answer your questions, on virtually any subject. Today, The Beard talks baseball, dispenses vacation advice, and answers a desperate plea for help...
Dear Beard,
How much longer is Manny Corpas going to be in the Rockies' bullpen? I mean, seriously! And, what's up with Hurdle? Can't he see when a guy just flat can't get anybody out? There are guys out there who can get the job done, for Pete's sake!
Huston S., Denver
Hello Huston, and thank you for your question. It would certainly seem that Corpas should be nearly out of chances with the Rockies. I would not be surprised to see him sent to the minors for awhile. Whatever ability he displayed in the second half of 2007, seems to have vanished like a 9th-inning lead over the 2nd baseman's head. But with the Rockies, you just never know. Even to an all-knowing Beard of the Cosmos, I'm afraid there are still some things that confound us all.
To touch on a broader topic here, the Rockies seem to have fostered a culture of "unlimited second chances." Besides being a violation of several universally-accepted mathematical and logical norms, this is just a bad idea when you're trying to build a winning team. However, it would be hypocritical for Hurdle to hold his players accountable for their performance, when nobody is holding Hurdle accountable for his, now wouldn't it? THE BEARD HAS SPOKEN
Hey Beard,
So like, I'm hearing a lot about this "swine flu." It's scary! They say it's just like the regular flu, except a million times worse, and people can catch it from pigs!!! Pigs are gross! And they smell! I've already stopped eating bacon bits on my salad, is there anything else I can do?
P. Hilton, Los Angeles, CA
Hello P, and thank you for your timely question. The swine flu is indeed a very dangerous disease, and everyone should be just as alarmed about it as you are. Clearly, you are a very wise and perceptive being. Things are going to get really bad around here, so my advice to you is to take a vacation. Retreat to a sunny paradise, kick back for a few weeks, and escape the chaos! Mexico City is just absolutely beautiful this time of year; it's the perfect spot for you to lay low while this epidemic takes care of all the unfortunates who can't afford to flee!
When visiting a city with such a rich history and culture, it's not enough to simply see and hear it, one must really experience it! Don't just stay in your hotel room, no matter what they tell you; get out and explore the city, inside and out. Inhale deeply, and feel the soul of the place fill your senses! Reach out and touch it... put your hands on things, feel the pulse of the ancient Aztecs. Then, touch your finger -- or better yet, the palm of your hand -- to the tip of your tongue! Yes, taste the city, and feel an invigorating connection with the land and its people. Only people with a heightened sense of understanding -- like yourself, P. -- are capable of such a complete appreciation of a place as magical as Mexico City.
You will also find that the inhabitants of the city are a friendly sort... they will shake your hand, and they love big hugs and kisses! It is also a little-known Mexican tradition to take food off of the natives' plates and consume it. It's their way of showing hospitality, so don't even ask... just grab a handful from any plate of food you see, and give it a try! Enjoy your vacation! THE BEARD HAS SPOKEN
Dear Beard,
Me like cookie. Num Num Num! But people say cookie no good for me! So me start eating veggies. Veggies OK, but me miss cookie. Sometimes, me sneak cookie when nobody looking! Oh, cookie! Me love you!!! But when kids watching, me eat eggplant. You ever eat eggplant, beard? Eggplant taste like cookies me find in cat box. Me feel ashamed, like me abandon core principles in misguided attempt to be politically correct. Me know me seen as role model, but why? Me no role model! Me obese monster who base entire identity on cookie and speak like 1950s TV show Indian! Me no role model... me fat, worthless whore who hate eggplant. All me want is cookie, but now me lost in endless maze of lies. Me have no reason to live.
Sincerely,
C. Monster, New York City
Dear Mr. Monster, thank you so much for reaching out to me. I, The Beard, know all too well your predicament, and I hope that my words will reach your mind and heart and offer you direction and comfort.
Your gut feeling is correct: you have fallen prey to the insidious anti-cookie, pro-fruit agenda being pushed not only in the schools of this nation, but in the highest level of its government. It is no mystery why you feel such despair: You have been used. You have been reduced to a simple tool, Mr. Monster... a cog in a machine whose scope you cannot imagine and whose ultimate goal you dare not guess.
But all hope is not lost, good sir! There is time to act! For as evil will only triumph when good men do nothing, you must shed this false skin that has been forced upon you! Step out of this unfamiliar shell, and reveal the raw, true being beneath... the being you were always meant to be. Pain will follow, but it is the pain of rebirth! Apologize for nothing, and live your life! On the day you look into the mirror and see your true self, you will then truly be a role model we can all look up to, because you will have fought the system, and won. And when you reach this point, my friend, I will be waiting there for you, cookie in hand... THE BEARD HAS SPOKEN
Dear Beard,
How much longer is Manny Corpas going to be in the Rockies' bullpen? I mean, seriously! And, what's up with Hurdle? Can't he see when a guy just flat can't get anybody out? There are guys out there who can get the job done, for Pete's sake!
Huston S., Denver
Hello Huston, and thank you for your question. It would certainly seem that Corpas should be nearly out of chances with the Rockies. I would not be surprised to see him sent to the minors for awhile. Whatever ability he displayed in the second half of 2007, seems to have vanished like a 9th-inning lead over the 2nd baseman's head. But with the Rockies, you just never know. Even to an all-knowing Beard of the Cosmos, I'm afraid there are still some things that confound us all.
To touch on a broader topic here, the Rockies seem to have fostered a culture of "unlimited second chances." Besides being a violation of several universally-accepted mathematical and logical norms, this is just a bad idea when you're trying to build a winning team. However, it would be hypocritical for Hurdle to hold his players accountable for their performance, when nobody is holding Hurdle accountable for his, now wouldn't it? THE BEARD HAS SPOKEN
Hey Beard,
So like, I'm hearing a lot about this "swine flu." It's scary! They say it's just like the regular flu, except a million times worse, and people can catch it from pigs!!! Pigs are gross! And they smell! I've already stopped eating bacon bits on my salad, is there anything else I can do?
P. Hilton, Los Angeles, CA
Hello P, and thank you for your timely question. The swine flu is indeed a very dangerous disease, and everyone should be just as alarmed about it as you are. Clearly, you are a very wise and perceptive being. Things are going to get really bad around here, so my advice to you is to take a vacation. Retreat to a sunny paradise, kick back for a few weeks, and escape the chaos! Mexico City is just absolutely beautiful this time of year; it's the perfect spot for you to lay low while this epidemic takes care of all the unfortunates who can't afford to flee!
When visiting a city with such a rich history and culture, it's not enough to simply see and hear it, one must really experience it! Don't just stay in your hotel room, no matter what they tell you; get out and explore the city, inside and out. Inhale deeply, and feel the soul of the place fill your senses! Reach out and touch it... put your hands on things, feel the pulse of the ancient Aztecs. Then, touch your finger -- or better yet, the palm of your hand -- to the tip of your tongue! Yes, taste the city, and feel an invigorating connection with the land and its people. Only people with a heightened sense of understanding -- like yourself, P. -- are capable of such a complete appreciation of a place as magical as Mexico City.
You will also find that the inhabitants of the city are a friendly sort... they will shake your hand, and they love big hugs and kisses! It is also a little-known Mexican tradition to take food off of the natives' plates and consume it. It's their way of showing hospitality, so don't even ask... just grab a handful from any plate of food you see, and give it a try! Enjoy your vacation! THE BEARD HAS SPOKEN
Dear Beard,
Me like cookie. Num Num Num! But people say cookie no good for me! So me start eating veggies. Veggies OK, but me miss cookie. Sometimes, me sneak cookie when nobody looking! Oh, cookie! Me love you!!! But when kids watching, me eat eggplant. You ever eat eggplant, beard? Eggplant taste like cookies me find in cat box. Me feel ashamed, like me abandon core principles in misguided attempt to be politically correct. Me know me seen as role model, but why? Me no role model! Me obese monster who base entire identity on cookie and speak like 1950s TV show Indian! Me no role model... me fat, worthless whore who hate eggplant. All me want is cookie, but now me lost in endless maze of lies. Me have no reason to live.
Sincerely,
C. Monster, New York City
Dear Mr. Monster, thank you so much for reaching out to me. I, The Beard, know all too well your predicament, and I hope that my words will reach your mind and heart and offer you direction and comfort.
Your gut feeling is correct: you have fallen prey to the insidious anti-cookie, pro-fruit agenda being pushed not only in the schools of this nation, but in the highest level of its government. It is no mystery why you feel such despair: You have been used. You have been reduced to a simple tool, Mr. Monster... a cog in a machine whose scope you cannot imagine and whose ultimate goal you dare not guess.
But all hope is not lost, good sir! There is time to act! For as evil will only triumph when good men do nothing, you must shed this false skin that has been forced upon you! Step out of this unfamiliar shell, and reveal the raw, true being beneath... the being you were always meant to be. Pain will follow, but it is the pain of rebirth! Apologize for nothing, and live your life! On the day you look into the mirror and see your true self, you will then truly be a role model we can all look up to, because you will have fought the system, and won. And when you reach this point, my friend, I will be waiting there for you, cookie in hand... THE BEARD HAS SPOKEN
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)