Dear Beard,
How much longer is Manny Corpas going to be in the Rockies' bullpen? I mean, seriously! And, what's up with Hurdle? Can't he see when a guy just flat can't get anybody out? There are guys out there who can get the job done, for Pete's sake!
Huston S., Denver
Hello Huston, and thank you for your question. It would certainly seem that Corpas should be nearly out of chances with the Rockies. I would not be surprised to see him sent to the minors for awhile. Whatever ability he displayed in the second half of 2007, seems to have vanished like a 9th-inning lead over the 2nd baseman's head. But with the Rockies, you just never know. Even to an all-knowing Beard of the Cosmos, I'm afraid there are still some things that confound us all.To touch on a broader topic here, the Rockies seem to have fostered a culture of "unlimited second chances." Besides being a violation of several universally-accepted mathematical and logical norms, this is just a bad idea when you're trying to build a winning team. However, it would be hypocritical for Hurdle to hold his players accountable for their performance, when nobody is holding Hurdle accountable for his, now wouldn't it? THE BEARD HAS SPOKEN
Hey Beard, So like, I'm hearing a lot about this "swine flu." It's scary! They say it's just like the regular flu, except a million times worse, and people can catch it from pigs!!! Pigs are gross! And they smell! I've already stopped eating bacon bits on my salad, is there anything else I can do?
P. Hilton, Los Angeles, CA
Hello P, and thank you for your timely question. The swine flu is indeed a very dangerous disease, and everyone should be just as alarmed about it as you are. Clearly, you are a very wise and perceptive being. Things are going to get really bad around here, so my advice to you is to take a vacation. Retreat to a sunny paradise, kick back for a few weeks, and escape the chaos! Mexico City is just absolutely beautiful this time of year; it's the perfect spot for you to lay low while this epidemic takes care of all the unfortunates who can't afford to flee!
When visiting a city with such a rich history and culture, it's not enough to simply see and hear it, one must really experience it! Don't just stay in your hotel room, no matter what they tell you; get out and explore the city, inside and out. Inhale deeply, and feel the soul of the place fill your senses! Reach out and touch it... put your hands on things, feel the pulse of the ancient Aztecs. Then, touch your finger -- or better yet, the palm of your hand -- to the tip of your tongue! Yes, taste the city, and feel an invigorating connection with the land and its people. Only people with a heightened sense of understanding -- like yourself, P. -- are capable of such a complete appreciation of a place as magical as Mexico City.
You will also find that the inhabitants of the city are a friendly sort... they will shake your hand, and they love big hugs and kisses! It is also a little-known Mexican tradition to take food off of the natives' plates and consume it. It's their way of showing hospitality, so don't even ask... just grab a handful from any plate of food you see, and give it a try! Enjoy your vacation! THE BEARD HAS SPOKEN
Dear Beard,
Me like cookie. Num Num Num! But people say cookie no good for me! So me start eating veggies. Veggies OK, but me miss cookie. Sometimes, me sneak cookie when nobody looking! Oh, cookie! Me love you!!! But when kids watching, me eat eggplant. You ever eat eggplant, beard? Eggplant taste like cookies me find in cat box. Me feel ashamed, like me abandon core principles in misguided attempt to be politically correct. Me know me seen as role model, but why? Me no role model! Me obese monster who base entire identity on cookie and speak like 1950s TV show Indian! Me no role model... me fat, worthless whore who hate eggplant. All me want is cookie, but now me lost in endless maze of lies. Me have no reason to live.
Sincerely,
C. Monster, New York City
Dear Mr. Monster, thank you so much for reaching out to me. I, The Beard, know all too well your predicament, and I hope that my words will reach your mind and heart and offer you direction and comfort.Your gut feeling is correct: you have fallen prey to the insidious anti-cookie, pro-fruit agenda being pushed not only in the schools of this nation, but in the highest level of its government. It is no mystery why you feel such despair: You have been used. You have been reduced to a simple tool, Mr. Monster... a cog in a machine whose scope you cannot imagine and whose ultimate goal you dare not guess.
But all hope is not lost, good sir! There is time to act! For as evil will only triumph when good men do nothing, you must shed this false skin that has been forced upon you! Step out of this unfamiliar shell, and reveal the raw, true being beneath... the being you were always meant to be. Pain will follow, but it is the pain of rebirth! Apologize for nothing, and live your life! On the day you look into the mirror and see your true self, you will then truly be a role model we can all look up to, because you will have fought the system, and won. And when you reach this point, my friend, I will be waiting there for you, cookie in hand... THE BEARD HAS SPOKEN
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