Beard Shavings - April 22 2009

Greetings loyal readers across the universe! It is I, The Beard, coming to you with sincere apologies this day. I have neglected my duties both as Conduit of Rockies Greatness through Ryan Spilborgh's Beard, and as a contributor to this website. Unfortunately, urgent business drew my attention away from your sector of the universe, and clearly the Rockies have suffered from my absence. I shall address the Rockies momentarily, but I would first like to explain the crisis that kept me from you.

About two Earth weeks ago, an emergent situation began in the Sigma Iota system. Ekos invaded Sigma Iota II, with predictably disastrous results. I kept out of the fray, of course, but I felt I must monitor it to make sure it did not spread to any neighboring systems. My efforts were successful, although the fighting is far from over.

You are likely most familiar with these planets from their inclusion in the "Star Trek" television program. Whenever a Nazi planet invades anything (and they do this a lot), I feel I must stay nearby just in case; but this time, they foolishly invaded a Gangster world... let's just say that things got terribly messy in a hurry, and leave it at that.

Earth dwellers are often surprised to hear that the majority of the locations featured on "Star Trek" are actual planets in the universe, but it is true. In fact, there are not one, but two Nazi planets; a minor system of Gangster planets; four computer-controlled paradise worlds; and at last count, more than half a dozen Wild West planets spread throughout the universe.

I admit that the similarity between this show to the actual universe is my doing. I had a brief association with Gene Roddenberry, you see. He was never interested in true Beardly greatness... my role was more of as a consultant. He had an idea for a show about a "navy of the future." He just loved those wavering whistles, when everybody ran to battle stations. There was something weird about it, truth be told. If I had a nickel for every time that guy said "battle stations..." But, I digress...

In the future Gene envisioned, all the countries of the world were united. Frankly speaking, while this was a noble concept, it would have made for a very dull program, because it left no enemies to battle out on the high seas. To his credit, Gene recognized this, and set about to create some adversaries for his "navy of the future" to engage. This is where I was to come in. His first idea involved a rogue group of dolphins; I had to step in at that point and tell him that his idea was phenomenally stupid, and would never work. I recommended to Gene that he change the setting from the sea to space, and see where that took him.

Well, two days later, I checked in and found him as giddy as can be (he must have said "battle stations" fifty times that afternoon. He even said it to a little dog that walked by). He handed me twelve pages about a spaceship called the "USS Yorkshire," with an able crew led by a bold and decisive captain, all of them involved in a complex, ambitious, galaxy-wide battle with space dolphins. Only then, after weeks of gentle prodding and pushing him in a certain direction, did I realize that Gene Roddenberry had zero imagination.

So we sat down on his front porch with some lemonade, and I described about fifty of the more interesting planets in the universe. Gene -- again to his credit -- was an excellent note-taker, and those detailed notes became the basis for virtually all of the foreign worlds the Federation visited on the show. Naturally, I refused any credit, because other than the already-mentioned suggestions (as well as the contribution I later made to The Trouble with Tribbles, which was basically a cleaned-up version of a VERY raunchy story Gene heard me tell at a bachelor party), I didn't really offer anything creative. I simply revealed a portion of universe to Gene, and he made a startlingly accurate show about it.

So, while I feel that my attention was rightfully drawn to Sigma Iota these past two weeks, I admit concern at how badly my absence seemed to affect the Rockies. They looked to be progressing well when I left, but I return to see them -- as they were for most of last season -- listless, and deficient in all areas of the game. Starting pitching has been inconsistent, the bullpen has been both awful and overworked, and men in scoring position tend to stay there. They've just been playing (if you'll excuse the expression) as if their tribbles dropped off. I have returned, however, and things will change. You can bet your beard on it!