Worse than the Rockies: THE BRONCOS

Hello! Spring training is wrapping up this week, and The Beard will soon pop in with his Opening Day greeting. But until that great day arrives, I thought I'd offer another Worse Than the Rockies review. Typically, these reviews are for awful movies, but today, we're reviewing an awful football team. It's the Denver Broncos starring in: "The Stupidest Offseason Ever."

Pat Bowlen: I'll start off by saying that I think you were right to fire Mike Shanahan. Yeah, he's a coaching legend; and yeah, he was at the helm when the Broncos reached their greatest heights; but the team had been treading water for years. Rebuild, stink, rebuild, stink... that's pretty much all the Mastermind has accomplished since Elway retired. And the choice of McDaniels certainly seemed like a good one: young offensive genius who could take the Broncos already-solid offense and turn them into a Super Bowl contender. But the second he walked in the door, things went downhill fast, and what have you done to fix it? Zippo. You won't get much value for Cutler in trade, because everybody knows he won't play for you. When the Detroit Lions have you over a barrel, you really do suck. Your team was once looked at as one of the finest organizations in the NFL, if not pro sports in total. Look at them now... a laughingstock. Pat Bowlen has his head up his butt all the way to the fur-lined collar of his awful coat. He's Worse Than The Rockies. 2/4 Dingers.



Jay Cutler: You know, Jay, I was in your corner for quite a while here, but you really blew it. If I'd just had a Pro Bowl season, set all sorts of team records, and been almost good enough to overcome one of the stinkiest defenses in the league and get the Broncos into the playoffs, all in my second season as a starting QB... I'd be pretty upset if my new head coach sat down at his new desk and started talking about trading me for Matt F'n Cassell before he'd even met me.

Matt Cassell is the Sal Fasano of the NFL. He is a backup, and will always be a backup. He had to wait until Doug Flutie retired to make it to #2 on the Patriots' depth chart, and Doug Flutie was 43 years old. Matt Cassell did not prove that he was an NFL starting QB last season, he proved that Tom Brady might be the most overrated player in the history of the league, and if somebody entertained thoughts of trading me for him, I'd be pissed. And so I understand why you were pissed, Jay. But you know what? Shit happens. Adults deal with it and move on. But you've decided that all your fans and your teammates and the city of Denver don't mean a thing because this is all about you, and you've gone into full poopy-pants pouty mode.

Your little temper tantrum has so vastly exceeded the original slight that you are possibly the biggest whiner on Planet Earth. So piss off, Jay Cutler. Honestly, I hope they deal you to the Lions and you become this decade's Jeff George. Jay Cutler is an infant, and he's Worse Than The Rockies. 3.5/4 Dingers.


Josh McDaniels: It's not like you got handed the keys to a Ferrari and drove it off a cliff. It's more like your Dad gave you the keys to his Corvette and asked you to take it to Grease Monkey for an oil change and new brake pads, but before you even opened the garage, you decided to take it apart and now it's in 1000 pieces on the floor and you don't know how to get it back together and Dad's coming home any minute and if his car is all apart when he gets home we can't go out for ice cream. Your job was to come in and make the Broncos a better team, and what did you do? They are ten times worse than they were last season, and they haven't even stepped onto the field yet. That's some amazing fail right there.

They had one truly bright spot they could build on, and that's Cutler. This guy -- as an infant, remember -- is still a top-10 QB in this league, and if and when he grows up, he could easily be top-3 in the league and Hall Of Fame material. When somebody calls you and says "Cutler for Cassel?" you say "Are you freakin' high or something?" and hang up, because that's RIDICULOUS. Bowlen should have fired you weeks ago, but luckily for you, he's as big an idiot as you are. Josh McDaniels is Worse than the Rockies. So bad, in fact, that he gets a perfectly awful score of 4/4 Dingers.


The only thing worse than four Dingers is five Dingers, but Stephen Hawking says that a universe with five Dingers in it would collapse on itself. Just like the Broncos. Go Rockies!!!