Worse Than the Rockies: Grab Bag!

Hello, and welcome to another edition of "Worse than the Rockies." With the Rockies playing pretty darn good baseball these days, the title might strike some of you as a bit silly. But, much like "Dem Bums" remained an affectionate nickname for the Brooklyn Dodgers even after they finally got good and then left the borough that loved them more than life itself, I'm gonna stick with this title for now. It was never meant to be "Worse Than the Rockies Are Right Now," it's more like "Worse Than the Rockies When Viewed From An Historical Perspective." And let's be honest with ourselves, Rockies fans... that's still pretty bad. But we're working on it!

Anyway, today's feature is not going to focus on just one thing that's Worse Than The Rockies, I have a few things to poop on today. Here goes...

Worse Than The Rockies: Sabermetrics Guys

OK, OK, before you get your slide rules all sticky with rage, hear me out: I do love the statistical aspect of baseball. More than any other sport, the numbers are a part of the game. Baseball fans have a love of numbers, and I am no exception. And yes, I do realize that just looking at a guy's RBI and batting average tells you far less about him than there is to know. So the core idea behind enhanced analysis of baseball statistics is something that I, as a baseball fan, do appreciate. And finally, yes I do play fantasy baseball, and a player with a sub-1.00 WHIP or a high OPS intrigues me.

But listening to a die-hard SABR guy is to witness the very definition of "taking all the fun out of something." No matter how many different stats you make up about the game, it still depends on a guy hitting a ball with a bat, and the beauty of the sport is that the guy who the numbers say SHOULD be your best chance to win a game might not win it for you, and the guy the numbers say SHOULD be the one guy you don't want up in a situation just might be the guy who comes through. And the further beauty of the sport is that when it's the guy with lousy numbers' turn to bat, the guy with the awesome metrics has to sit there on the bench and cheer him on (his effectiveness in that role, no doubt, reflected in some bullshit stat somewhere).

Furthermore, it happens way too often to be coincidence that a guy whose numbers suggest he does not help his team (Josh Fogg) leaves the team, and the team goes downhill fast. The opposite is equally common: a team brings in a guy whose super-sexy numbers suggest he's going to be the difference-maker (A-Rod, Jack Parkman) but he and his new team just kind of sit there. You can look at poker, with a limited (although huge) amount of variables and possibilities, and boil everything down to a percentage and a probability. But it's just silly to approach something as complex as the sport of baseball with the assumption that everything can be objectively demonstrated with a percentage of some sort.

Now, if the numbers are the aspect of the sport that really interests you, then by all means, knock yourself out. Whatever you do in the privacy of your own home or in the company of other number geeks is fine with me. But a line is crossed when some sabermetrics goober gets on a blog (or worse, makes it past the guards and gets on TV) and starts yammering about VORP and linear weights and a bunch of stuff that they are clearly throwing out just to make it impossible to argue with them because nobody cares enough about their silly stats to even know what they mean. Go back to the chess club, sabermetrics geeks, and discuss the game on paper to your heart's content, but stop looking down your noses at the rest of us who like to see it played on a green field under the sun! Number Nerds, I appreciate your love for baseball, but if you can't carry on a conversation with somebody who's content comparing BA, RBI, and ERA, then you're Worse Than the Rockies. 2.5/4 Dingers.


Worse Than The Rockies: Full-Truck Roll Cages

Maybe this is just a Colorado thing, but I see these all over the place, and 99% of the time it's on either a Jeep Cherokee or a Toyota pickup/4runner:


Seriously, don't you think that's a bit extreme? Are you so bad at off-roading that rolling your vehicle completely over is something that really concerns you? And if you are that bad at it, are you sure want to make that so blatantly obvious to everybody else? I think if you practiced 4-wheeling as much as you practiced welding, you might just get good enough at it to keep the wheels pointing down.

It's even sillier when you see one of these in combination with one of those snorkels (another accessory in which only Jeep and Yota owners seem at all interested). I look forward to the day when I see a jeep with a full-body roll cage and TWO snorkels -- one at the roof and one down by the ground, so when he's completely upside-down in three feet of water, his engine will continue to run smoothly. Just based on uselessness alone, these gadgets are Worse Than the Rockies. 1.5/4 Dingers.


Worse Than The Rockies: Michael Jackson Insanity

Yeah, I know it's died down a bit. Sure, the guy was immensely talented, and I do feel a bit sad about the way his life turned out and ultimately ended. But for crying out loud, if there's one guy we shouldn't turn into a hero, it's this guy. Complete weirdo with no concept of how the real world works. Puts his hand over his face and pretends to cry to avoid answering questions he doesn't like. Ashamed of his race to the point that he altered his appearance to look whiter than a Swedish Goth kid. Dangles babies over balconies because he loves his kids SO MUCH. Drug and plastic surgery junkie whose nose was falling off his face. Oh, and if that wasn't enough, he diddled little cancer-suffering kids after getting them drunk (ALLEGEDLY). Yet in what should have come as a surprise to absolutely nobody, he dies young and under weird circumstances, and then gets TV coverage, celebrity shout-outs, and a memorial service greater than any serviceperson, veteran, firefighter, or cop who died in the line of duty has ever seen. WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM, AMERICA??? 3.5/4 Dingers.