Hello, and welcome to another Worse Than The Rockies movie review! Today we have an especially turdish film to critique: Transformers 2, the Revenge of the Fallen.Man, where to start with this one? This movie is a complete and utter mess, and even though there are clues early on (like the token white guy in prehistoric, tribal Africa), you don't really get the full effect of this one until you reach the end. Explaining the plot of a film like this one is a bit like describing poop's motivation to escape the butt, but I'll give it a shot:
Transformers came to Earth a zillion years ago, and built a machine that destroys stars and turns them into energy. But, being noble creatures, they do not destroy any star in a system where there is life. This pesky rule didn't stop one Transformer, though, who wants to destroy Earth's sun to make some energy. He gets banished from Transformer-land (becoming the titular "Fallen"), but only after the other ruling Transformers (the "Primes") sacrifice themselves to hide the key that activates the star-energy machine, thus saving Earth from destruction. With me so far?
The Decepticons are all descendants/followers of this Fallen guy, the Autobots descendants of the noble Primes. Through a series of conveniently placed plot holes, Megatron, leader of the Decepticons (killed in the first film) is raised from the dead, and begins to search for Sam, the whiny kid from the first film, who has a map to the star machine in his brain, somehow. The Autobots, working together with the militaries of the world, are going around hunting Decepticons, and try to stop them.
That's pretty much it, plot-wise. Optimus Prime is killed in a fight so confusing and hard to follow that the robots have to narrate it for us ("Take that, Optimus! I punch your face, Megatron!"), a battle ensues in Egypt, Optimus is revived, the Autobots win and destroy the star power machine, all in just under 2 1/2 hours!
With some sneaky research, I actually uncovered the shooting script for this movie! The following is the final page of the script.
Exterior Egypt, day. The Autobots and the Army Guys bring Optimus' lifeless body to the desert. The Decepticons attack the Pyramids to uncover the Star Machine. Sam and his girlfriend rush to revive Optimus with the stuff in Sam's tube sock.
GIANT BATTLE!!! WOOSH! WHARRR!!! Megan Fox runs away from explosions in slow motion. Sam gets exploded.
Megan Fox: "Sam, I love you!"Sam goes to Transformer heaven.
Dead Transformer: "Sam, you did great. The leadership matrix isn't in your sock, it's in your heart. Go back and revive Optimus."Sam goes back to earth and is alive!
Sam: "I love you too! Now let's revive Optimus!"Optimus is revived and fights The Fallen on a pyramid. SCHHLAAWWWR!! KA-BAM!!!! The Machine is destroyed. Megatron and Starscream retreat to the third movie.
Exterior Aircraft Carrier, slow motion.
Optimus Prime: I send out this message to all Autobots: join me on Earth for another sequel in 2011.
The preceeding was the script for the entire second half of the movie, just over an hour's worth of film.
Now, on to the review: just how bad is this film? It's pretty bad, folks. The trouble is this: Michael Bay thinks you're retarded. There's no other explanation for it, really. Examples:
-- Sam conveneintly discovers something in his pocket that will reactivate dead Transformers or create new ones from kitchen appliances. Its discovery causes his parents' house to be half-destroyed, but because he's on his way to college that day, he gives this powerfully dangerous thing to his girlfriend, to keep in her purse. I know you will be tempted to ask, "why would anybody do this?" Don't... you're retarded, remember?
-- Transformers have, for some reason, developed a method of transferring information into the human brain for safekeeping. The map to their energy source machine (in the characters of their ancient language, of course) is downloaded into Sam's brain as a form of backup. This would be like humans copying the information needed to destroy worlds and create unlimited energy to a butterfly, just in case something happens to all our books, computers, and scientists. This makes perfect sense, if you are retarded.
-- Sam and his posse enter the National Air and Space museum in Washington, D.C., to find an old Transformer that can help them. The Transformer (who turns out to be a pirate or something, conveniently activated by the thinger Megan Fox had kept in her purse) exits the museum into the Arizona desert, where they are surrounded by hundreds of disused military planes. Will the audience notice that there is no desert in Washington D.C., no acres of mothballed planes surrounding the Air and Space Museum? Of course they won't! They're retarded, remember?
These are the tip of the iceberg. Michael Bay thinks we can't tell one pyramid from another; thinks we can't tell New York City from Los Angeles; thinks we'll believe that the Pyramids are near the ocean if he shows it that way; thinks we won't ask why wind that blows away a van like it was paper won't blow away the humans hiding behind it; thinks we don't know that one cannot cross the border from Jordan to Egypt, because there isn't one. None of the things in this movie would have been very tough to fix, but the movie doesn't care, and neither does Michael Bay. This movie is so lazy, it's an insult to the audience.
But here's the saddest thing of all: he's absolutely right. We are retarded, because we keep going to see his films, each one crappier than the last. Why should he make any effort to deliver anything that makes sense, has characters you can tell apart from one another, follows universally agreed upon guidelines of physics or geography, or has a beginning and an end? Why indeed, if we keep lining up to watch this garbage?
A film like Battlefield Earth is stupid, but in a cohesive sort of fashion. I don't think they set out to make a bad film, but they did, and in its own way, it is enjoyable. Transformers 2, however, was never intended to be a good film. Nobody involved with this film put any effort whatsoever into its creation, because they knew they didn't have to. It's Hollywood's version of a ponzi scheme... promise something good, deliver less than crap, take the money and run, repeat.
Bay has made a couple watchable films. The Rock was a good movie, and Armageddon was big dumb fun. But he never should have been allowed to make another film after Pearl Harbor... and unbelieveably, this is worse than that film. Michael Bay is the Worst Director in the History of Film, and this is his masterpiece of crap. This is the nadir of filmmaking. Not only is it a bad film, but it stands as an example of just how much contempt the director has for his audience. This is the first film to receive the perfectly awful rating of 4/4 Dingers. May it be the last.
Now, on to the review: just how bad is this film? It's pretty bad, folks. The trouble is this: Michael Bay thinks you're retarded. There's no other explanation for it, really. Examples:
-- Sam conveneintly discovers something in his pocket that will reactivate dead Transformers or create new ones from kitchen appliances. Its discovery causes his parents' house to be half-destroyed, but because he's on his way to college that day, he gives this powerfully dangerous thing to his girlfriend, to keep in her purse. I know you will be tempted to ask, "why would anybody do this?" Don't... you're retarded, remember?-- Transformers have, for some reason, developed a method of transferring information into the human brain for safekeeping. The map to their energy source machine (in the characters of their ancient language, of course) is downloaded into Sam's brain as a form of backup. This would be like humans copying the information needed to destroy worlds and create unlimited energy to a butterfly, just in case something happens to all our books, computers, and scientists. This makes perfect sense, if you are retarded.
-- Sam and his posse enter the National Air and Space museum in Washington, D.C., to find an old Transformer that can help them. The Transformer (who turns out to be a pirate or something, conveniently activated by the thinger Megan Fox had kept in her purse) exits the museum into the Arizona desert, where they are surrounded by hundreds of disused military planes. Will the audience notice that there is no desert in Washington D.C., no acres of mothballed planes surrounding the Air and Space Museum? Of course they won't! They're retarded, remember?
These are the tip of the iceberg. Michael Bay thinks we can't tell one pyramid from another; thinks we can't tell New York City from Los Angeles; thinks we'll believe that the Pyramids are near the ocean if he shows it that way; thinks we won't ask why wind that blows away a van like it was paper won't blow away the humans hiding behind it; thinks we don't know that one cannot cross the border from Jordan to Egypt, because there isn't one. None of the things in this movie would have been very tough to fix, but the movie doesn't care, and neither does Michael Bay. This movie is so lazy, it's an insult to the audience.But here's the saddest thing of all: he's absolutely right. We are retarded, because we keep going to see his films, each one crappier than the last. Why should he make any effort to deliver anything that makes sense, has characters you can tell apart from one another, follows universally agreed upon guidelines of physics or geography, or has a beginning and an end? Why indeed, if we keep lining up to watch this garbage?
A film like Battlefield Earth is stupid, but in a cohesive sort of fashion. I don't think they set out to make a bad film, but they did, and in its own way, it is enjoyable. Transformers 2, however, was never intended to be a good film. Nobody involved with this film put any effort whatsoever into its creation, because they knew they didn't have to. It's Hollywood's version of a ponzi scheme... promise something good, deliver less than crap, take the money and run, repeat.
Bay has made a couple watchable films. The Rock was a good movie, and Armageddon was big dumb fun. But he never should have been allowed to make another film after Pearl Harbor... and unbelieveably, this is worse than that film. Michael Bay is the Worst Director in the History of Film, and this is his masterpiece of crap. This is the nadir of filmmaking. Not only is it a bad film, but it stands as an example of just how much contempt the director has for his audience. This is the first film to receive the perfectly awful rating of 4/4 Dingers. May it be the last.
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