Chipper Jones Has A Tiny Wang

Hello dear readers! It is I, The Beard, checking in once again with the latest in news surrounding the Colorado Rockies! The Rockies, despite their road struggles, remain relevant to the postseason conversation, because hey, it's September, and that's when the Rockies do their best work. Their seven-game win streak has seen them sweep two first-place teams in a row, but now they must face perhaps their greatest nemesis: a last-place team. Namely, the Arizona Diamondbacks. Needless to say, with the team 3.5 games back for both the Wild Card and the NL West lead, every game is a Big Game, but the Rockies have been coming up big so far this September.

A big part of the Rockies surge has been the stellar play of Mrs. Beard's new favorite player (supplanting the cute-yet-always-struggling Chris Iannetta) Carlos Gonzalez, who has as good a shot as anybody in recent memory at becoming the NL's first Triple Crown winner since 1937. Hard to believe, but even some national media have pulled their noses out of Albert Pujols' butt, and are including Carlos in the NL MVP conversation. But, as you'd expect, many who've never played the game discount Gonzalez' impressive numbers simply because he plays half his games at Coors Field.

And now I'd like to stop this rant before it begins, and insert an aside, if I may, about Chipper Jones. I have been asked many times why I do not care for Chipper Jones. I find the answer easy to feel, but difficult to put into words.

One good reason to hate him is that he is a grown man who goes by the name "Chipper." "Chipper" sounds like the name for that Three's Company character -- somebody's cousin, probably -- who only showed her face about every fourth episode. "Chipper" would also be a great name for the horse some 50s TV cowboy rode around on. And I can see "Chipper" being the lesser-known sidekick to Charlie McCarthy and Mortimer Snerd. I mean, I know the guy's real name is Lawrence, and that's a drag... but you can't expect anybody to take you seriously with the name "Chipper."

Or maybe, it's this:

I mean, look at that guy. Just look at him! I'm not a violent Beard, but when you see a guy who looks like that, don't you just want to rear back and punch him right in the middle of his face? I think it is a natural, built-in response: when cavemen saw another caveman with a face like that, they wanted to punch it. And then they did, because they were cavemen. I remember as a little Beardling, seeing faces like that on the little kids in my class, and even then I wanted to punch them. And it's still true: even today, it takes every bit of my inner strength to not go around punching little kids who look like Chipper Jones.

But now, we have a quantifiable and defensible reason to hate Chipper Jones. Recently, Chipper chimed in with his assessment of Gonzalez' play, and his chances for both the Triple Crown and the MVP:

"If (Gonzalez) is doing the same thing on the road that he’s doing at home, I’d be glad to give him credit. And he’s a tremendous player, don’t get me wrong. But the numbers? He’s hitting like .390 at home with 25 homers and 65 ribbies?"

The obvious message there is that Chipper does NOT give Gonzalez any credit. Chipper certainly has time on his hands lately, and he seems to have enough of a fascination with Carlos to know his stats pretty well: as of this writing, Carlos' home stats are: .387, 25, 66, while his road stats read .288, 7, 34. So his point -- that Gonzalez is a decent player made to look great by his home park -- seems to have merit, at least on the surface. But, I will refrain from re-hashing the reasons why Chipper -- like most people who mention Coors Field -- is completely wrong about it, as that's an issue I've touched on in other posts.

However, good ol' Chipper, in his haste to lob a parting shot at a fellow major leaguer, seems to have forgotten a couple things. Chipper Jones has won two individual awards in his career: the 1999  NL MVP, and the 2008 batting title. The year that he won the NL MVP award, Chipper hit .366 at home, and .275 on the road. The year Chipper won the NL Batting title, he hit .399 at home, and .325 on the road.

So, Chipper won an MVP hitting worse on the road than Carlos is hitting today, and he won a batting title hitting better at home than Carlos is hitting today. Am I cherry picking stats? Yes, I am. Does that mean that Chipper is not a jealous dick, denying credit to a young player having an outstanding season, and justifying it with reasons that, should they be applied to Chipper's own stats, cast a bad light on his greatest personal accomplishments? No, it does not. He is in fact a massive dick, and nobody likes him. Everybody likes Carlos, though, because Carlos brings us tacos.

 TACOS!!!!!!!!!!!