Charlie Sheen's Career Found Dead

Sheen's Career in Healthier Days.

Los Angeles - Charlie Sheen's career was found dead Monday at the age of 27, an apparent homicide. "It's too early to say anything definitively," said Los Angeles Police Department detective Frank Drebin, "but the lab boys think there may have been tiger blood in its veins."

Sheen's career had been displaying signs of manic depression in recent weeks. A month ago, Sheen was the highest-paid performer on television for his role on Two and A Half Men. Today, his career lies dead, its face melted off and its children weeping over its exploded body.

The LAPD homicide division has been assigned to the case, and suspects that Sheen, 45, had own career hunted down and killed. "It looks like a hit to me," remarked Drebin. "We have collected statements by neighbors who have told us that Sheen's career was desperate to get back on track, and was planning to beg for a part in Oliver Stone's upcoming project, but that Sheen was dead-set against it."

"He almost made it," remarked Drebin at the crime scene, less than a hundred yards from Stone's Hollywood office. "But that Charlie Sheen is a high priest assassin warlock."

"Charlie and his career had been at odds for some time," said Sheen's father, Martin Sheen, "and I think his career had just had enough. There's only so much abuse a career can take."

Actor/director Emilio Estevez, Charlie Sheen's older brother, added, "Charlie's career had hit rock bottom. It called me right around Thanksgiving, begging me to find a role for it in a new Mighty Ducks movie. That's when I knew things were a lot worse than we thought."

When asked how Sheen's career could have been at such a desperate point despite Sheen's nearly $2 million salary per episode for his hit TV series, Estevez replied, "Charlie was basically just slutting himself out on Two And A Half Men, and that was hard for his career to deal with. Charlie raked in the cash, but his career was really just miserable. Shit, that show was on for what, eight years? It's supposed to be a sitcom, and I've laughed at it maybe ten times. Ever. To go from Spin City to that would be hard for any career, even mine."

"It's sad, it really is," added the elder Sheen. "I mean, he was in Platoon. We were in Wall Street together. His lines from Major League will be quoted for a hundred years in baseball parks everywhere. And to go from that to this... it's a career cut far too short."

"It's not as if nobody saw this coming," said noted TV know-it-all Dr. Phil. "There were many instances in the last year or so that could be seen as calls for help," explained Dr. Phil. "Sheen's career's struggles to survive despite Sheen's repeated attempts to destroy it were stressful on both of them, and in a relationship like that, sooner or later one of them is going to win, and the other will end up dead. Charlie Sheen is the winner here."

When asked by TMZ how he would continue with his career now deceased, Charlie Sheen reportedly answered, "Yeah, I killed it. I killed it with a swollen torpedo of truth, man. I deployed my ordnance, and it was radical. Career? Who needs it? My career was nothing without me. I've been turning this crap into gold for years, man, and for what? Millions of dollars a week? A mansion on every continent with hot and cold crack dispensers in every room? Porn stars up to here? Don't need it. Never did. All I need's right here," Sheen said, gesturing towards an empty spot of air apparently about eight feet above his shoulder. Sheen then conversed with this empty spot for the next thirty-seven minutes in a language he described as "extraterrestrial hieroglyphics," until the interviewer grew uncomfortable and left.

PETER FORSBERG TO JOIN AVS INJURED RESERVE LIST

Forsberg stretching out before a 2008 disabled list appearance.

DENVER - In a highly-anticipated move, the Colorado Avalanche announced today that onetime star Peter Forsberg would be rejoining the team's injured reserve list in 2011, possibly as soon as the team's Monday game in Phoenix.

Once one of the NHL's greatest players and the winner of the 2003 Hart trophy, Forsberg last appeared on Colorado's injured reserve list during the second half of the 2007/08 season. He spent the following three years on the injured reserve list of his hometown Swedish team, MoDo, as well as appearing on the Swedish Olympic team's injured reserve list in 2010.

"The NHL is the greatest injured reserve list in the world," Forsberg said after the announcement, "and I just wanted to give it one more try. If I can't make it on the Avs' injured reserve list, I'm ready to hang up my skates."

Avalanche coach Joe Sacco had this to say: "We are really excited to see what Peter can bring to our injured reserve list. We have a lot of young players on this list, and I'm really hoping that the leadership a great player like Forsberg can bring will really help us, both for this season and down the road."

Before the Avs stepped on the ice for practice on Sunday, Avalanche captain Adam Foote said, "Yeah, I'm definitely excited to have Foppa come back. In the whole history of this game, there aren't many players with his kind of experience on the IR, and that's just invaluable. You can't really underestimate what he can bring to our injured reserve list. I mean, even if he's just day-to-day, he's going to have a huge influence."

Avs forward Peter Mueller, on the Avs' injured reserve list since the preseason with a concussion, was excited to have Forsberg join him on the list. "A guy who spends as much time on the IR as I do can really learn a lot from a veteran like Forsberg," Mueller said. "I can't wait!"

NFL ALLEGEDLY HOLDS 2011 PRO BOWL.

Jan 31, 2011

Hawaii - The NFL claimed to have held the 2011 NFL Pro Bowl yesterday, with the NFC All-Pros supposedly defeating the AFC 55-41 in what was called "one of the strangest Pro Bowl Games nobody has ever seen."

After a one-year trial in Florida, apparently, nearly 50,000 fans professed to have seen the game's return to its long-time home: Aloha Stadium in Honolulu, Hawaii, which the NFL insists has been the site of the game since 1980.

The NFC All-Pros, ostensibly led by Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Michael Vick, purportedly took advantage of five AFC turnovers to feasibly build a 42-0 lead by halftime. The AFC squad in all likelihood scored a few second-half touchdowns to make the stated final score close, including one probably on a muffed kickoff return, and another, it seems reasonable to believe, on a double-lateral pass play in the game's final minute?

"This game was so strange, it had to be seen to be believed," remarked announcer Terry Bradshaw, without a hint of irony.

Happy Holidays from Year of The Beard!

The Beard is taking his annual post-Christmas vacation, but he sends the following message:

"Dearest Readers, Hello! It is I, The Beard. I hope you have all enjoyed a safe and relaxing Christmas (or whichever solstice-based holiday you celebrate), and are looking forward to the New Year! I am writing you from the guest house at the North Pole. Mr. and Mrs. Claus are fantastic hosts, and I am feeling quite relaxed after our busy week.

It should come as no surprise to our regular readers that I lend a helping hand (so to speak) to one of the bearded greats of your planet, Saint Nicholas. Although he and his staff of professionals do the bulk of the work (and, I must be clear, deserve all of the credit!) throughout the year to prepare for Christmas Day, I pop in about the 23rd each year to help with the final push, and then we all take a well-deserved vacation until mid-January.

About 70 years ago, Mrs. Claus confided in me that although he still enjoyed the work, the Big Night itself was starting to get away from Nicholas. He really takes on a great deal of responsibility, when you think about it: an entire year of planning, toy making, reindeer husbandry, and Naughty/Nice list creation and maintenance (which in and of itself is a full-time job) was wearing the guy down, and by the night of the 24th -- when he really needs to bring his "A" game -- the poor man was just exhausted.

The Christmas Night of 1938 was the tipping point that led Mrs. Claus to reach out to me. It actually took him about 34 hours to complete his deliveries that night... kids in Central Europe didn't get their gifts until after noon on Christmas Day, creating widespread grumpiness in that region. It was an embarrassing day for Nicholas that he still doesn't like to talk about. So when when Mrs. Claus contacted me, I immediately offered Beardly assistance which was quickly accepted. Since then, we have trimmed the night to just under 20 hours worth of work... pretty good when one considers that the Nice list is nearly 50% longer than it was back then!

So to make a long story short, I'm sitting here by the pool at the Claus home, a modest little place but with all the amenities of the finest resort hotels in the galaxy. Your planet really needs to open your eyes to the notion of cold-weather resorts, but that's a topic for another day. I am reminded, however, of how good it always feels to unwind right about now after a year's worth of hard work, and I hope you all are doing the same."

Happy Holidays from Year of The Beard!

Ask The Beard!

Hello and happy holidays from Year of The Beard! Today we see the return of one of our most popular features, "Ask The Beard." In this feature, The Beard will take your questions on any subject, and answer them with omnipotent wisdom as only he can. And now, on your the first question...

Dear Beard: 
The Denver Broncos recently fired their head coach, Josh McDaniels. What do you think of this move, and what lies ahead for the Broncos?
Mike S., Washington D.C.

Hello Mike, and thank you for your question. There are many fans who believe that Josh McDaniels should never have been fired from his head coaching position with the Broncos, because he never should have been hired as head coach in the first place. I, The Beard, will not comment on the wisdom of his hiring, but this man was destined to be fired. He is not beard-worthy, and it showed. He clearly has a bit of a knack with offensive football, but as soon as he wore his hoodie to his first press conference, the writing was on the wall. McDaniels was a cocky, confident guy who wanted to do things his own way, except that his own way was exactly like the New England Patriots' way, minus the winning.

The lesson here is that if you're going to stomp on team tradition, run every talented player on the roster out of town, irritate the fans with your attitude, and then get caught cheating, you damn well better win some football games. He will find a job as an offensive coordinator before the next season starts, but he made such a botch of his first head coaching opportunity that it may be some time before he gets another one. As for the Broncos, it may take a while to undo the damage that was done to the team both on and off the field, but they can rest assured that almost any new hire will be better received by the team's fans than McDaniels was.

Hey Beard,
What do you think of the Rockies' offseason moves so far? Have they gotten any better?
Thanks, Jim T.

Greetings, Jim, and thanks for your question! The Rockies have not made any earth-shattering changes to their team, but some of the moves they have made will be signifigant. In the infield, Barmes was traded, and Mora and Giambi will not be re-signed. Barmes is a great defensive player and a long-time favorite of The Beard, but with a bat in his hand he was a black hole in the lineup, and a new start in Houston might be the right move for all involved. All the best to Barmes. The only problem with Melvin Mora was that he was brought in as a utility infielder, and it turned out he could only really play at third. This, coupled with Giambi's lack of defensive flexibility, severely handcuffed the Rockies' bench. Essentially replacing these two with Lopez and Wiggington should be a positive move. Lopez could challenge for the starting 2B spot, which may help to keep EYJr in Colorado Springs where he belongs.

Tulo pondering the importance of zeros.

The biggest news in the Rockies'offseason was the re-signing of players they already had, but these moves should not be overlooked. Tulowitzki is, essentially, a Rockies player for life and a bazillionaire; and the somewhat surprising return of De La Rosa is key to the rotation. Although many across the nation have questioned the wisdom of signing Tulowitzki long-term, I believe this is a very positive move for the Rockies. People don't just pay to see good baseball, they pay to see "their" guys play good baseball. The fact that Tulowitzki will be playing at Coors Field for years to come will sell untold amount of tickets, and I'm sure the Rockies see it as a good investment even if Tulo does not hit 40 home runs a season until he's 35.

Were there any bad moves this offseason? Well, letting Olivo go may prove to be a costly mistake. The Rockies don't really have anybody to back up Iannetta, who it seems will be given his third second chance to win the starting catcher job. Olivo showed last year why he's been on six different teams: he tore it up in the first half, and totally stank in the second half. Still, it may prove disastrous for the Rockies to put all their eggs in one basket, no matter how cute Mrs Beard thinks that basket is.

The final offseason acquisition for the Rockies may be the most important: a new hitting coach. The Rockies the last two years were a frustrating team to watch at the plate, and a new philosophy should help certain players immensely.

Tebow practices, observed by a creepy bystander.

Dear The Beard,
Will Tim Tebow ever be an NFL quarterback?
Kyle O., Denver

Thank you for your question, Kyle. The answer is "no." Tebow was being coached by a guy considered an offensive genius, and that genius saw fit to give Tebow but two plays: "Run to the left," and very rarely, "Pretend to run to the left, and maybe throw instead." When a QB's only pass play is designed based on the fact that the defense knows he never, ever passes, it is not a good sign. Like 90% of Heisman-winning QBs, Tebow will fade into obscurity a very wealthy young man.

Hey Beard,
I'm having car trouble. I'll be driving around, and the battery light on my dashboard comes on. If I thump the alternator with a hammer, the light goes off and I can drive around for a bit longer. Do I need a new alternator?
Guy With Hammer in Fort Collins

Hello there Guy, and thanks for writing. Your issue is definitely with your alternator, and a new one should fix the problem. However, if you are handy with tools other than hammers, you may be able to fix your current alternator (Ha ha! Made a little joke there. -TB) and save quite a bit of money.

If you remove the alternator and take it apart, you will see two spring-loaded little doohickeys, which are called "brushes," in contact with the central rotating hub of the alternator. These are the contacts which pick up the electrical current generated by the alternator and send it to the vehicle. Because they rub against the rotating alternator, they wear down over time, as they are designed to do. Nine times out of ten, all that needs to be done to repair a faulty alternator is to replace these brushes. They will cost you about five dollars, and take about half an hour and a soldering iron to install. Reinstall the alternator into the vehicle, and you should be up and running, and you can put the hammer back in the toolbox.

THE BEARD HAS SPOKEN!