WORSE THAN THE ROCKIES

Hello loyal readers, and welcome to this year's final edition of "Worse Than The Rockies." This is another grab bag, so sit back and enjoy!

Worse Than The Rockies: The Magic Number

Ask just about any sports fan what a Magic Number is, and he or she will know the answer: it's the amount of wins (for the leader) plus losses (by the team chasing them) needed for a team to clinch a postseason playoff berth. As of this morning, the Rockies' Magic Number is 7... so if they win seven games, they're in the playoffs; if the Giants and Braves lose 7 games, the Rockies are in; and any combination of Rockies wins and Giants/Braves losses totaling 7 means the Rockies are in.

So, what's the problem with the Magic Number? Very simply: it's not magic. It's not even complicated. A third grader can figure it out: take the number of games in a season and add one. From that number, subtract the current number of losses for the trailing team and the number of wins for the leading team, and what you end up with is the Magic Number. Balancing your checkbook takes more brainpower... it's subtraction, not magic.

Ancient Egyptians designing the Great Pyramids already knew that the circumference of any circle is its diameter times pi. We figured out a calendar that tells us the exact dates when the days will be longest, shortest, and right in between, like 3500 years ago. We've been using zero as a number - despite the fact that it indicates a lack of things to count - for 2000 years. Those are numbers that might be considered at least somewhat "magical." Perhaps if you were a caveman who'd been frozen in ice, thawed out, and then handed the sports page, you'd think that one number telling us something about two teams at once was pretty special, but my guess is that you'd be far too distracted by airplanes and fingernail polish to be impressed with this concept, to say nothing about calling it "magic."

Magic Number, you're cool and all, but you're a bit too big for your britches. Give us a bit of credit, here... you're just a clinch number, and everybody knows it. Your arrogant, inflated sense of your own worth makes you Worse Than the Rockies. 1.5/4 Dingers.


WORSE THAN THE ROCKIES: The Dyson Vacuum Guy

Listening to this pompous douche talk about his vacuum gets more annoying every time I hear it. The guy acts like he invented the cotton gin and then cured cancer with it. Shut up, dick! It's a vacuum! And frankly, that decrepit old antique you are ragging on in the ad picked up the dog food every bit as well as your stupid-looking spacevac did. Yours doesn't even have a light! I don't care if it benefits from all the scientifically proven advantages of The Ball... it simply can't be cool unless it has a headlight.

You really want to be able to brag about making vacuuming easier? Go invent the floating chair with no legs, so my shitty old Model T vacuum can go right underneath it. Then, I won't be subject to the endless ridicule from loved ones and strangers alike as I am forced to twist my arm that extra five degrees, or -- heaven forbid -- move the chair a few inches, in order to complete my grueling carpet upkeep regimen. So when you've invented the legless floating chair, then your smug ass can come on back to my TV screen and brag about your invention in that snooty Imperial Empire Officer accent of yours, and I promise to consider it on its own merits. Until then, you and your ball are Worse Than the Rockies. 2.5/4 Dingers.


WORSE THAN THE ROCKIES: PETER FORSBERG'S FEET

Ok, again with the comeback try, Forsberg? Give it up, man! No matter how great you are from the knees up, your feet and ankles just can't handle it, and they haven't been able to for some time. I know there are plenty of fans out there who would love to see you back hobbling around the ice for the 30-35 games you might actually be healthy enough to suit up, but I'm not one of them. It's like watching Fred Astaire dance in a wheelchair, except that might actually be inspiring. This is just sad. Please, Peter, just call it a career and be happy! Go sign up for beer league hockey and enjoy nailing every puck bunny you meet for the rest of your life. But don't go down this "one more try in the NHL" road again, because your feet are Worse Than the Rockies. 2/4 Dingers.

HELTON SHAVES, SHARES BEARD

In an admirable display of selflessness and teamwork, Todd Helton has shaved his beard for the playoff stretch run. According to Beardmagik experts, this will allow even more Beard-power to be dispersed among his teammates. "I really liked the beard," Helton did not say recently. "It made it look like I had a bit more of a chin, and that's a good thing. But I'm so good at this game, I really don't NEED a beard, so I thought I'd share it with others." Helton did not say if, or when, he would let his beard grow back.

Ian Stewart inherited much of Helton's beard, and has been seen recently putting it to good use, his batting average climbing from .229 on Sept 3 to .230 on Sept 20. "I think the beard has really helped," Stewart intimated, "and I'm batting 25 points over my weight. If I weighed 320 pounds, I'd be in the Hall of Fame!"

Rockies 1B Jason Giambi, faced with allegations that his goatee has been chemically enhanced, did not have this to say: "Look, I may have massive arms with garden-hose veins running all over them, but this beard is 100% clean, I can promise you that. Hell, Steinbrenner wouldn't even let me wear one, so why would I have bothered? I'm just so glad that Todd decided to divvy up his beard for the rest of us. That's a team leader right there. Jeter wouldn't even share his Gatorade with us, and they sent him case after case of that shit."

Efforts to convince Clint Barmes to grow a beard have been fruitless, as he continues to look as if he's stumbling drunk out of a taxi every time he swings the bat. "I don't get it," Barmes neglected to say. "I'm doing everything I know how to do. I close my eyes, swing straight up as hard as I can, and then lose my balance and fall over home plate, and I still can't seem to get a hit. I don't know how growing a beard is going to help."

Rockies manager Jim Tracy would have agreed had the comments been real. "Clint's right," Tracy might have said, "he's swinging like one leg's a foot shorter than the other and his batting helmet is on sideways. I doubt that a beard's gonna change that."

GM Dan O'Dowd did not comment on reports that he is looking into a plan to fire the struggling second baseman towards the sun, hoping for a slingshot effect which will allow him to travel back in time to June, when he had 37 hits and batted .314. "As a mid-market team, firing Clint Barmes into the sun is not something that we can make happen. Frankly, I'd like to see him at least give the beard a try... it can't hurt, and it would be budget-neutral. But in the end, it's Tracy's call to make."

Beard Shavings

Hello, my dear readers. It is I, The Beard! I am taking a quick break from my exhausting work in the Rockies' clubhouse to touch base, as it were, with you all.

For those of you following the playoff chase, this has been a trying time. The Rockies built a substantial lead on the Giants with a 9-1 homestand, and then have seen it whittled down as they have struggled on the road against the Padres and the Giants. Trepidation is common throughout the universe, as Rockies fans everywhere wonder if they will break out of this poorly-timed slump. Some are even questioning whether the Rockies were any good in the first place, wondering if all they have really done was beat up on the Pirates and Nationals a few dozen times, but unable to stand up to the better teams... I understand your confusion, Rockies fans, and it is important enough to me to pause my work with the Rockies to calm your fears.

First of all, even with my great, Beard-inspired optimism, I cannot dispute that the Rockies have not shown up lately in the games that have mattered the most. Since beating the Giants in the 14th inning last month, they have played eight games against the Dodgers and Giants, and have but one victory. As of this writing, they have lost five straight against the Giants, and have been outscored by the usually-inept San Francisco offense 35-11. Rockies fans can no longer pretend that there is no cause for concern. The Rockies, when faced with an opponent desperate for a win, have failed to execute, and their once-comfortable lead in the wild card standings has dwindled.

Now, is there a reason for this? Some good news we can hang our hats on, you ask? Yes and no. As a Great and All-Knowing Beard, I say to those of you who are viewing every game as a must-win, that every team goes through slumps. It just so happens that the Rockies' first signifigant slump since June has happened at a very bad time, and against precisely the wrong teams. Do not forget, dear readers, that the Rockies were not a "hot" team, as many have called them. They are a good team, and they will continue to be a good team when this slump is over.

There are, of course, reasons for slumps... they aren't all just bum luck and bad timing. The Rockies pitching has fallen off a step, defense and baserunning mistakes have cost them some runs, and they still strike out way too often. There is room for improvement, but not much time for it.

The bad news is this: the Rockies inability to turn things up a notch when the games are meaningful does not bode well for their chances in the playoffs, should they make it that far. Now, for those who love silver linings, if the Rockies DO fight through this slump and make the playoffs, it could work to their advantage, and give them a much-needed confidence boost as they prepare to face the best the National League has to offer. But, that's getting ahead of ourselves a bit.

For my part, I am going to suggest to every Rockie in the clubhouse that they grow a beard. This will make it much easier for me to channel my greatness from one player to the next, depending on who needs it most. For example, Ubaldo last night could definitely have used some Beard-magik, but seeing as how his face is as smooth as a glass baby, I had little to work with. But trust me, Rockies players! The time for your beards to flourish is NOW! Do not be afraid, let them grow!!

First among them, however, must be Ryan Spilborghs. It's time to get back to basics, and that starts with me, The Beard, and my primary conduit of greatness, Ryan. From Ryan's noble visage, I will spread Beardly greatness throughout the clubhouse. Don't look at it, no matter what! It may be too much greatness for one human to bear. The faces of those who oppose us shall melt and explode, and the playoffs will land with a reverberating boom at the feet of the Rockies faithful.