WORSE THAN THE ROCKIES

Hello loyal readers, and welcome to this year's final edition of "Worse Than The Rockies." This is another grab bag, so sit back and enjoy!

Worse Than The Rockies: The Magic Number

Ask just about any sports fan what a Magic Number is, and he or she will know the answer: it's the amount of wins (for the leader) plus losses (by the team chasing them) needed for a team to clinch a postseason playoff berth. As of this morning, the Rockies' Magic Number is 7... so if they win seven games, they're in the playoffs; if the Giants and Braves lose 7 games, the Rockies are in; and any combination of Rockies wins and Giants/Braves losses totaling 7 means the Rockies are in.

So, what's the problem with the Magic Number? Very simply: it's not magic. It's not even complicated. A third grader can figure it out: take the number of games in a season and add one. From that number, subtract the current number of losses for the trailing team and the number of wins for the leading team, and what you end up with is the Magic Number. Balancing your checkbook takes more brainpower... it's subtraction, not magic.

Ancient Egyptians designing the Great Pyramids already knew that the circumference of any circle is its diameter times pi. We figured out a calendar that tells us the exact dates when the days will be longest, shortest, and right in between, like 3500 years ago. We've been using zero as a number - despite the fact that it indicates a lack of things to count - for 2000 years. Those are numbers that might be considered at least somewhat "magical." Perhaps if you were a caveman who'd been frozen in ice, thawed out, and then handed the sports page, you'd think that one number telling us something about two teams at once was pretty special, but my guess is that you'd be far too distracted by airplanes and fingernail polish to be impressed with this concept, to say nothing about calling it "magic."

Magic Number, you're cool and all, but you're a bit too big for your britches. Give us a bit of credit, here... you're just a clinch number, and everybody knows it. Your arrogant, inflated sense of your own worth makes you Worse Than the Rockies. 1.5/4 Dingers.


WORSE THAN THE ROCKIES: The Dyson Vacuum Guy

Listening to this pompous douche talk about his vacuum gets more annoying every time I hear it. The guy acts like he invented the cotton gin and then cured cancer with it. Shut up, dick! It's a vacuum! And frankly, that decrepit old antique you are ragging on in the ad picked up the dog food every bit as well as your stupid-looking spacevac did. Yours doesn't even have a light! I don't care if it benefits from all the scientifically proven advantages of The Ball... it simply can't be cool unless it has a headlight.

You really want to be able to brag about making vacuuming easier? Go invent the floating chair with no legs, so my shitty old Model T vacuum can go right underneath it. Then, I won't be subject to the endless ridicule from loved ones and strangers alike as I am forced to twist my arm that extra five degrees, or -- heaven forbid -- move the chair a few inches, in order to complete my grueling carpet upkeep regimen. So when you've invented the legless floating chair, then your smug ass can come on back to my TV screen and brag about your invention in that snooty Imperial Empire Officer accent of yours, and I promise to consider it on its own merits. Until then, you and your ball are Worse Than the Rockies. 2.5/4 Dingers.


WORSE THAN THE ROCKIES: PETER FORSBERG'S FEET

Ok, again with the comeback try, Forsberg? Give it up, man! No matter how great you are from the knees up, your feet and ankles just can't handle it, and they haven't been able to for some time. I know there are plenty of fans out there who would love to see you back hobbling around the ice for the 30-35 games you might actually be healthy enough to suit up, but I'm not one of them. It's like watching Fred Astaire dance in a wheelchair, except that might actually be inspiring. This is just sad. Please, Peter, just call it a career and be happy! Go sign up for beer league hockey and enjoy nailing every puck bunny you meet for the rest of your life. But don't go down this "one more try in the NHL" road again, because your feet are Worse Than the Rockies. 2/4 Dingers.