HELTON SHAVES, SHARES BEARD

In an admirable display of selflessness and teamwork, Todd Helton has shaved his beard for the playoff stretch run. According to Beardmagik experts, this will allow even more Beard-power to be dispersed among his teammates. "I really liked the beard," Helton did not say recently. "It made it look like I had a bit more of a chin, and that's a good thing. But I'm so good at this game, I really don't NEED a beard, so I thought I'd share it with others." Helton did not say if, or when, he would let his beard grow back.

Ian Stewart inherited much of Helton's beard, and has been seen recently putting it to good use, his batting average climbing from .229 on Sept 3 to .230 on Sept 20. "I think the beard has really helped," Stewart intimated, "and I'm batting 25 points over my weight. If I weighed 320 pounds, I'd be in the Hall of Fame!"

Rockies 1B Jason Giambi, faced with allegations that his goatee has been chemically enhanced, did not have this to say: "Look, I may have massive arms with garden-hose veins running all over them, but this beard is 100% clean, I can promise you that. Hell, Steinbrenner wouldn't even let me wear one, so why would I have bothered? I'm just so glad that Todd decided to divvy up his beard for the rest of us. That's a team leader right there. Jeter wouldn't even share his Gatorade with us, and they sent him case after case of that shit."

Efforts to convince Clint Barmes to grow a beard have been fruitless, as he continues to look as if he's stumbling drunk out of a taxi every time he swings the bat. "I don't get it," Barmes neglected to say. "I'm doing everything I know how to do. I close my eyes, swing straight up as hard as I can, and then lose my balance and fall over home plate, and I still can't seem to get a hit. I don't know how growing a beard is going to help."

Rockies manager Jim Tracy would have agreed had the comments been real. "Clint's right," Tracy might have said, "he's swinging like one leg's a foot shorter than the other and his batting helmet is on sideways. I doubt that a beard's gonna change that."

GM Dan O'Dowd did not comment on reports that he is looking into a plan to fire the struggling second baseman towards the sun, hoping for a slingshot effect which will allow him to travel back in time to June, when he had 37 hits and batted .314. "As a mid-market team, firing Clint Barmes into the sun is not something that we can make happen. Frankly, I'd like to see him at least give the beard a try... it can't hurt, and it would be budget-neutral. But in the end, it's Tracy's call to make."