Dodgers Continue 17-Year Tradition of Rockies Spankings; Baseball Speaks Up on Silly Celebrations

What is it about the Dodgers? They've got the Rockies nailed, right in their minds! Not that the Dodgers came in playing bad baseball or that the Rockies came in super-hot, but it always seems that whatever little thing the Dodgers need to do to win a game against the Rockies, that's the little thing they do. In the finale, it was defense. There were at least three game-saving, spectacular defensive plays by LA last night... any one of those plays doesn't happen, and the Rockies probably win that game. Sigh, it's the loser's lament... "if only."

The Rockies bats, the main problem in The Beard's view so far this season, seem to be working a bit better lately. Hopefully that will carry over on this road trip, but Tim Lincecum is never a good guy to face in Game 1, when you want to get your hitting off on the right foot.

The Beard would like to divert from Rockies talk for a moment, to mention all the silly Home Plate celebrations that have taken place in the last few years, and that they finally took their toll. I know that as a Beard Who Has Surveyed The Universe, I may have seen more than most, and therefore might not get as excited as some of you, but these celebrations at home plate have been getting out of hand. When you win a huge game in September, or clinch a playoff series with the final at-bat, then yeah, go ahead and celebrate it, because that's freaking awesome.

There are 162 games in the baseball season, although you wouldn't know it by the way teams today celebrate a last-inning victory in the middle of May. Lately, when a guy hits a home run to win a game at any point in the season, he flips his bat, points into the dugout, trots around the bases like he's walking up to accept his Oscar, and then all his teammates meet him at home plate hopping around like idiots like he was Bill Mazeroski. This practice has become more and more prevalent in recent years, and The Beard was hoping it would just go away before something bad happened.

No such luck.

Baseball demands a certain demeanor of its players. It demands that they do not put themselves above The Game, and punishes -- often severely -- those who do not comply (see Rose, Pete). When you think you're bigger than the game, The Game puts you in your place. Do you think that Baseball likes these showy, chest-pounding celebrations over nearly insignificant wins? No, It does not. Do you think Baseball would just let that happen without consequence? For a time, yes, because Baseball is nothing if not patient. But we knew the end of this respite must be drawing close, and the other night, Baseball said its peace.

The emotion is fine, but weigh it against the situation. Drop the bat, keep the helmet on your head, and keep your head down as you round the bases. The guy on deck may greet you at home plate, but the rest of the high fives & hugs stay in the dugout, until September. That is Baseball's message to us, via Kendry Morales's horribly broken ankle. Let's hope we listen, lest a broken ankle be only the first sign of Baseball's wrath!

T.B.

Self-Centered Rockies Win Every Game Against Diamondbacks

In an unsightly display of greed and poor sportsmanship, the Colorado Rockies won all three games against the Arizona Diamondbacks this week. After a close game in the first contest, the next two were easy victories. "We tried to let them win that first game," a sheepish Jim Tracy said, "I don't know what happened there. I feel pretty bad about it."

Diamondbacks pitcher Dan Haren was frustrated: "I don't see why we come all this way, put our uniforms on and everything, and then they go and win all three games. Don't they know how baseball is supposed to work?" Haren pointed out an April series in Arizona, in which the Diamondbacks graciously allowed the Rockies to escape with one victory in three games. "That's how it's supposed to happen. You win two of every three games in this league, and you're going to the playoffs. Why do you have to go around sweeping people?" Haren then sighed, and slumped into the chair in front of his locker, spending the next ten minutes absent-mindedly examining his cuticles.

Arizona Manager A.J Hinch was particularly incensed by the Rockies' three home runs in three consecutive at-bats in the seventh inning of Thursday's game, effectively sealing the sweep for Colorado. Rockies outfielder and Conduit of Greatness Ryan Spilborghs, who hit the last of those three home runs, was contrite. "I mean, Seth Smith has the flu. I don't think he could even focus... Who'd have guessed he'd hit one out? And I know for a fact that Carlos and I went up trying to pop it up, because we discussed our strategies in the on-deck circle. But it's a lot harder than you think to hit a ball right at somebody. We tried, but sometimes these things happen."

Back at Coors, the Return of Kaz?

Hello once again, loyal readers! A road trip that should have been better is over, and a homestand that should be awesome is ready to begin! The Rockies continue to play frustratingly average baseball, and continue to hover around the .500 mark, but luckily, the rest of the NL West seems to be hovering just slightly above that mark, so as of today, the Rockies are only four games out of first place.

The most frustrating aspect of this season continues to be the hitting. There were a lot of winnable games on the Chicago/Houston/KC road trip, but with only 16 runs in the first six games of the trip, they just aren't getting people around the bases. The 11-run finale in KC was nice, but far too often we've seen a game that looked like the clue that the bat were about to break out, only to see them return to scratching out 2-3 runs per game for the next week or so.

Now, the NL West comes to town, with three against both the last-place Diamondbacks and the Dodgers, who have had a very good month so far. The Rox then head to the road, with six more divisional games. If the Rockies are going to make a move up the standings, this would be a good time to do it.

The Beard would like to take just a moment to welcome Kaz Matsui back to the Rockies organization. He was pretty awful in Houston this year, but since they're paying his salary, I think it's a good move for the Rockies to bring him to Colorado Springs and see if he can help at all. EY Jr doesn't seem to be ready for the big leauges, nor does Clint Barmes... so creating some veteran depth at a position which the Rockies have always been pretty thin, is a good thing.

Rockies Finding Consistency On the Road

Rockies Go to Chicago, Stink.

The Cubs are the Cubs, they just have "loser" in their blood. Nice ballpark, loyal fans, but they just aren't a team that scares you... ever. The Cubs are the only team that Charlie Brown could pitch for and it would make him even more depressed.

Even the best Cubs team of all time is still named after a cuddly little baby bear. When you encounter a cuddly little baby bear, you aren't worried about the baby bear at all. It looks like it might be a lot of fun to pick one up and hug it, or even mess with it a bit. You know, take its food away and hold it up just out of its reach; watching it jump a couple times and then fall back down to the forest floor in a fuzzy ball before rolling onto his back, where he suddenly notices his hind legs sticking up in the air and he starts playing with his feet for a while. You could do that all day long! What you worry about about is its mom, who's about to spring out from any direction and pummel your ass to the point the Lab Boys will have to run a complicated DNA test to determine what type of creature you used to be.

So when a team gets swept by the cute little defenseless Cubs, it hurts, but frankly, the Cubs' moms could probably have taken both these games, too. Two decent outings by the starting pitchers wasted by two flaccid games at the plate, and kept out of reach by another failure in the bullpen. When is this team going to start hitting?

Answer: when they're 15 games back. Seems like the only time they ever do.

On The Road Again

The Rockies are off on a weird little road trip... two-game series with both the Cubbies and the Astros, followed by three in Kansas City. Two-game series are just odd; they have another one against the Giants in August. I suppose it has something to do with interleague scheduling... just another reason to hate interleague. Bah, humbug!, says The Beard.

Jeff Francis was certainly beard-worthy yesterday. What a great return for one of the best pitchers in the Rockies' short history! It's only one start, one win, so we won't get our whiskers all in a frizz... but plugging a healthy Francis back into this Rockies rotation could be another of those seemingly small tweaks to a team that make it all click into place.

Give me a U! Give me two Ws! What's that spell?

This is how good Ubaldo Jimenez has been this season: he allowed two earned runs over eight innings today, and his ERA went up. He is 7-1, with a 1.12 ERA and a WHIP under 1.00, and looks practically unbeatable (yes, the keen-eyed readers will note that Ubaldo's record does include a loss, meaning that he is not, in fact, "unbeatable." However, in that loss he allowed one run on two hits... two frickin' hits, people! He didn't lose that one, his teammates failed to win it). For the last two seasons, the People Who Like To Get Carried Away With Things have been saying that Ubaldo is a potential Cy Young award winner. Today, those people look like they know what they're talking about.

And what do you know, the Rockies' bats woke up a little bit yesterday! 16 hits, four home runs, and ten runs scored in two games is a nice little sign of life... Brad Hawpe had a particularly nice day, with five hits (three of them doubles) in 7 AB. I won't forget Jason Hammel's efforts in the second game, limiting the dangerous Senators lineup to three runs over seven innings for his first win of the season after a couple weeks on the DL.

Jeff Francis, at long last, makes his return to the mound for the Rockies today, with the chance to either finish a Decent Homestand at 4-2, or a Dissapointing One at 3-3. Then, the Rockies head east to play three teams near the bottom of the standings: the Cubbies (15-22), Astros (13-23), and Royals (13-24)... teams who have combined to win nine of their past 30 games. An opportunity for the Rockies to make some noise on the road... but as an Eternal Beard from the Farthest Reaches of the Universe, I should know better than to look too far ahead. If the Rockies can take three of four from a Washington squad that's been playing very good baseball, they just might be on the move towards a nice little win streak.

-T.B.

When Does the Good Baseball Start?

Greetings readers! I realize it has been a long time since I have checked in with you, but things have been chaotic with the Rockies thus far. Many fans throughout the universe have blamed injuries, bad breaks, and slumps for the Rockies sub-.500 record, but the honest truth of the matter is that they've played pretty lousy baseball. I, as a Beard of Nearly Infinite Power, have been unable to turn things around so far, and it's bothered me.

I was at a loss. I contacted pretty much every omniscient being in my address book, and nobody seemed to have any good advice for me. Frankly, I was bummed. This season started with so much anticipation, so many great things laid out before the Colorado Rockies, that to see them stumble out of the gate once again just left me in a funk. So for the last week or so, I pretty much just sat by the pool at ARIA and got hammered. Olivo's game-winning HR two days ago shook me out of my stupor, albeit briefly, and for about 18 hours I thought I saw the light. Against the Nationals last night, however, the bullpen gave up what, like 8 runs? That light was yet another train, and I crawled straight back into the bottle before the 9th inning even started. This morning I was presented with a staggering headache and room service bill that would make Hunter S. Thompson blink hard. Unaccustomed as I am to carrying any sort of cash with me (and, to be honest, still quite drunk), I panicked, and decided to get out of town.

As I made my hasty escape through the hotel's parking garage, I slipped in a puddle of some vile liquid near the bottom of a flight of stairs, and landed flat on my back. Right then, for whatever reason, I had a Moment of Clarity: I realized that for as long as the Rockies have been playing sloppy, uninspiring, shitty baseball this season, I -- The Beard -- have not been posting on Year of the Beard! The last post here, in fact, was after Ubaldo's no-hitter. Have they played well since then? Clearly not.

There are no coincidences in the universe, my friends... the key is to see the pattern, and at that moment, laying on my back on a concrete floor, staring up at two armed and impatient security guards, I saw the pattern. For all the things I have tried to do to get the Rockies to realize their greatness, it was something I was NOT doing which was the sole cause of their struggles. So now, I am back, posting my thoughts on the Rockies and other Important Doings in The Universe. Just you wait and see... this is the Key to Everything.

As far as the Rockies go, they need to pitch better, hit better, field better, and run the bases better. Once they have those details sorted out, they can work on catching the Padres. Ha ha, just a little joke there. We all know that los Padres will fall out of first place like a blind roofer on roller skates. The Giants are the squad the Rockies will be chasing this summer, but they'd better start soon.

Sincerely,

The Beard