Damn Yankees

Well, after a month or so of pouting, I'm ready to poke my head from the emptiness which is the football season back into the emptiness that is the internet. The Beard is still out of the solar system, we may not see him again until pitchers and catchers report, but until then, I'll keep you company.

The team everybody loves to hate won another World Series, beating a Phillies team that gave Pedro Martinez's corpse two starts (0-2, 6.30 in the WS) and couldn't get a big hit when they needed one. The worst thing of all is that Alex Rodriguez, possibly my least favorite pro athlete of all time, now has a championship. Ugh.

Have you ever listened to A-Rod answer a question? One gets the feeling that he's practiced his cliche answers in front of the mirror every night, to make sure he gets them just right for the camera. I bet he even practices his sex faces, too.

This is OK sex, but not great. I think I'm going with good old #3...

Whoa there!!! No, nononono! Where'd that come from?

A-Rod don't do that, honey... I don't want that in the papers.

I'm calling the shots here! I'm A-Rod!

Ok then, #3 was clearly a bit too much A-Rod.

I don't want this chick calling me back or anything, it ain't that great.

I mean, check me out. I can do better than this! I'm A-Rod!!!

Man, I'd totally do me if I got the chance. Ka-Bang.

Maybe #11 would get me out of this mess.

That's my "Not really enjoying it, but it's your fault, not mine" look.

Haven't used that one in a while... see if I can remember how it goes.

Oh, man, that didn't work at all! She just called me 'teddy bear!" I never get #11 just right, now she thinks I was digging it! Gotta break out the big guns... this always sends 'em home lickety-split.

You made A-Rod sad, baby. Now, get out!!!

But back to the Yankees... Yankee haters can take solace in the fact that this is their first World Series in nine years, so it's not like their ridiculous payroll has bought them championship after championship (although they have made the postseason 14 of the past 15 seasons). But that's not to say there isn't a problem with the system... there is.

I have recently found a blog entitled "Bowling in the Dark," an interesting, apparently themeless stream of well-written, often heavily-notated consciousness. In the most recent entry, one of the authors brings up some evidence to argue against the creation of a salary cap in Major League Baseball. Here is my response:


Nicely done. But I feel the focus on the $-to-success ratio allows for a huge factor in the salary cap discussion to be overlooked: the extremely detrimental effect the huge spending has on the mid and lower-market teams. The best argument for a salary cap is not that we must hinder the big-money teams, but that we must allow the small-money teams the opportunity to compete fairly for the players they develop.

Bowling in the Dark correctly demonstrates that spending tons of money doesn't guarantee success. The Yankees spent a billion dollars between World Series titles, so clearly the top-spending team does not necessarily have an inside track to a World Series title. Teams like the Mets and Cubs have spent immense amounts on their rosters, yet have been failures on the field more often than not. However, Bowling fails the logic test when it offers this data to support the notion that a salary cap is unnecessary... all it truly proves is that poorly managed organizations don't win, no matter how much they spend.

Design is the engine of success...

The Yankees, Phillies, and Red Sox have had success, not merely because they have outspent other teams, but because they've invested that money into strong, smart organizations. Organizations with a good framework of scouting, drafting, and player development are those which field winning teams, and such teams should be rewarded, whether they spend a lot or a little. And so, as much as I despise the Yankees and everything they stand for, their most recent Series victory does not particularly stoke the fires of my salary-cap-now! furnace, because this year's Yankees are more than a collection of all-stars... this was a very, very good baseball team.

...but once an engine is built, it must be fueled.

The lack of a salary cap does not guarantee that a high-spending team will win... winning still depends on the organization. With no cap to player salaries, though, it's a virtual guarantee that an organization which does assemble and grow a great young team will be unable to keep them together for any significant amount of time, because the free-spending teams -- wise and dumb alike -- will soon offer star players far more than their original teams can afford to pay.

The current system rewards teams who have both solid organizations and lots of money, but actually punishes solid organizations who lack the big revenue. In fact, it punishes those teams far more severely than it does those teams like the Pirates and Reds, who are both cheap AND bad at developing young players (which might give us a hint into why those teams seem to be OK with long-term failure).

Ask the A's and Twins how far you can get with a fantastic organization, but no money to keep it together. Both have long been model franchises as far as player evaluation and development is concerned, and in recent years both have fielded some very strong teams... and then watched helplessly as those teams quickly dissolved. Two model organizations, yet it's been nearly 20 years since either has made it to the World series. Right there is the perfect example of the problem facing Major League Baseball.

There's The Rub

Now, if certain teams lacked revenue simply because they were poorly run, then we'd be into Business 101 territory: manage your business well, and you succeed; manage it poorly, and you fail. Even in an industry such as pro sports, that should be a reality of any business. But as we've seen, many of the wealthy teams are poorly run, and many of the well-run organizations are far from wealthy. Revenue generated by each team in baseball is NOT tied to how well each team conducts business, and that is precisely why a salary cap (or some other normalizing feature) is necessary.

Baseball from both ends of the food chain.

Colorado has seen both sides of this issue: with their enormous gate receipts in the mid-90s, they were a free-spending yet poorly organized team which, after a brief taste of success, became a decade-long failure on the field. They learned the hard way that they did not have the resources to continually rebuild a team through free agency, retooled in the Oakland/Minnesota mold (a process which took a great deal of time), and are now recognized as one of the best organizations in baseball. As such, the Rockies have had recent success on the field, but they now find themselves staring up the opposite end of the free agency feeding chain, having lost Matt Holliday, one of the best hitters in either league.

One can make the argument that Rockies' management made a good move getting what they did for Holliday, but that's largely beside the point. The problem here is that they were in that position with Holliday in the first place: forced to either trade him or lose him, because they could not possibly sign him. Furthermore, a team that is continually in the position where they must trade proven players for prospects, will eventually find itself taking more steps backwards than forwards. The Athletics are a particularly good example of this right now.

Of course, we've seen the occasional smaller-market team (such as the D-backs and Marlins) that is able to catch lightning in a bottle... combining a few wise free-agent pickups and a solid core of young players, and win in the extremely brief window of opportunity they have with their team before it inevitably crumbles (in both the above examples, leaving a colossal wreck behind). This shows us that any team which makes the playoffs has a chance... but it also demonstrates how watered-down the baseball postseason has become (the two Marlins championship teams finished a total of 19 games back in their division).

Free agency: good to a point, but not past it.

Free agency allows players to decide for whom they want to play; the fact that, for so long in baseball's history, a player was essentially "owned" by a team is shocking from today's perspective. So it's not as if free agency itself is at fault here, but there MUST be a check in that system to account for the vast imbalance from market to market. Matt Holliday may be worth $150 million to the Red Sox, but that doesn't make him a $150 million player in EVERY market. Free agency cannot go so far as to allow the price structure in one or two markets to dictate the pricing structure in all markets. The fact that a two-bedroom condo in Manhattan goes for $1.5 million does not make my home in Fort Collins, Colorado worth the same amount.

Solutions to tough questions.

I see two solutions to this problem. Either true revenue sharing must be put in place, in which all revenues are pooled and then divided equally, so that each team is given the exact same amount to spend on payroll; OR salaries must be capped, in order to prevent a half-dozen teams from artificially inflating the value of players in all markets.

The "luxury tax" fails to address this issue, because all it was really meant to do was specifically to slow down the Yankees' spending. It clearly did not work, but even if it had, it wasn't the correct approach. Limiting the Yankees is not the goal here, normalizing salaries across the board is.

True revenue sharing will never work for a number of reasons, chief among them the fact that baseball does not have a national TV contract like the NFL has. Until that happens (and it is infinitely unlikely it ever will) then a true sharing of revenue among all MLB teams is an impossibility. That leaves a salary cap.

Would a salary cap hurt today's high-spending teams? Perhaps slightly, but teams like the Yankees and Red Sox would still have every opportunity to be successful, because they are strong, high-revenue organizations that can afford to make offers to many high-end players. Wealthy teams like the Mets would still suck, because they just do.

Would a salary cap create good teams in places like Pittsburgh and Kansas City? No... again, the ability to afford better players might make them slightly more competitive, but it would be nothing more than a band-aid. Without solid organizations and increased revenue there first, those teams would still struggle... and there would be nothing to force those teams to spend to the limit of the cap (something that would likely be a necessity, were a true revenue sharing plan ever adopted).

What a salary cap would do -- and what baseball needs -- is to create an atmosphere where well-run, talented teams could hold onto most of the star players they produce, and remain a competitive team for long periods of time. The game's best players would still receive large free-agent offers, and some stars would still change teams. Player salaries would likely slow their exponential growth, but would remain very high. But with a salary cap in place, the original team could still have a reasonable opportunity to match the offers the player would find elsewhere, and hence have the chance to keep their teams together, and reap the rewards for doing things the right way at all levels of their organization. That would be good for the fans, good for the owners, good for the players, and good for the game.

Sigh...

Well, summer's over, Rockies fans. The best season in Rockies' history is in the books, ended by a couple late-inning meltdowns that would seem right in place in most of the team's first 16 years, but was quite jarring in this latest, and greatest one.

Right after last night's game, The Beard sent a quick message before leaving our galaxy to collect his thoughts over the winter:

"Dear Readers and Rockies fans:

Thank you for your support of the Colorado Rockies and their efforts to reach the peak of Beardly greatness. Unfortunately, they could not beat the Phillies in the division series, but this cannot be viewed as a failure! No, it is merely a foundation upon which future successes may be built. Worry not, Rockies faithful! I, The Beard, will be back next season, to continue to guide the Rockies toward their ultimate goal.

Congratulations and good luck to the Phillies, a fine team that plays the game the way it should be played, with the noteable exception of Jayson Werth.

Yours,
The Beard"

I'm not nearly as chipper as The Beard seems to be, but this isn't a disaster or anything. Here are some random thoughts this crappy autumn morning:

Losing to the Philles
This was a good series between two very evenly matched teams, and that fact alone should give Rockies fans some comfort today and through the winter. Things considered weaknesses for both teams didn't really come into play: the Rockies, it was said, couldn't hit lefties, and the Phils' lefty-heavy rotation gave them a clear advantage. Well, Cliff Lee shut them down in game one with a great performance, but the Rockies were successful against Hamels in game 2, knocked Happ out early in game three, and were in line to beat Lee in game 4. The Phillies' bullpen was supposed to be an issue, and while the Rockies did mount late-inning rallys in nearly every game, the Phils closed them out, with Lidge showing no sign of his regular-season hiccups.

In short, we shouldn't feel bad losing to the Phillies, they're the 2008 World Series champs after all, and three of the four games were one-run games. When you have weaknesses and the better team exploits them to beat you, that's one thing. But when you lose because one of your strengths throughout the regular season fails at just the wrong time, that's very tough to take... and that's where Rockies fans are today. But on the other hand, we have to realize that these guys don't need some crazy hot streak or lucky bounces to be one of the best teams in baseball... they are right up there with just about anybody. Rockies fans know this team was special, and could have won this series 3-1 just as easily as they lost it by that tally. But the Phillies owed them one from 2007, so I guess now we're even.

The biggest problem with losing to Philly is that John Kruk will think he was right all along (despite copious evidence to the contrary) about the Rockies, but I think even Philly fans have got to know that Kruk's a doofus of the highest order.

Best-Of-Five Series
I still hate them, and this series (the only DS series that wasn't a sweep) is a good example of why. A game like last night's is exactly what MLB should want their fans to see: a tight, back-and-forth contest not decided until the last out. These teams gave us three of those games, and they should have been allowed to give us more. As it is, the Phils eek out two wins in Colorado, and it's over. It would be great to see how the Rockies respond to a meltdown like they had in the 9th last night, but we won't get the chance.

How is that any different than the deciding game in a 7-game series, you ask? Because in baseball, flukey, weird things happen: things like awful umping (see below) robbing one team of an important baserunner or allowing another team to get one; a two-out flyball getting lost in the lights and hitting a favorite ex-Rockie in the bits, leading to an improbable comeback; or a closer who's been rock-solid all year having an unusually bad inning (Street, Papelbon).

In a seven-game series, those little things can (and often do) decide games, but when a team has to win four games to advance, those things usually even out... in a series this short, they don't often get the chance to. Once a team's down a game at any point in a five-game series, they have to be either nearly perfect or lucky from there on out if they hope to advance. There should be room for a good team -- like the Cardinals, Red Sox, or Rockies -- to be both imperfect and unlucky in a game or two, and still have a shot. And there should be room for an overmatched team such as the Twins to at least win a game against a superior, but beatable team like the Yankees.

Instant Replay
The Rockies had more than their share of bad calls go against them in this series, and it's pretty clear that some of these calls affected the outcome of the games. Can't really whine about it, bad calls have helped the Rockies too... just none in this series, I'm afraid.

Bad umpiring has been prevalent through the entire postseason, and the calls for instant replay seem to be at an all-time high. Balls and strikes are one thing, and people are always going to gripe about them... but bad calls at the bases, along the foul lines, etc., are just happening way too often. It's not as bad as the NBA, but it's getting there.

But I don't ever want to see instant replay in baseball, and I'll tell you why: baseball is a sport that does not depend on technology. In fact, for many fans, at the heart of the sport is the fact that it resists the application of technology... there isn't even a clock. Sure, there's fancy Hi-Def scoreboards and giant banks of lights, but those are parts of the ballpark, not of the game. The game we watch today is pretty much the exact same game that people sat down in the grass to watch 150 years ago, and that's something that we can't even come close to saying about any other major sport. Football has tinkered with its rules and its presentation over the decades, it's a fluid game that changes with the times. Baseball does not, and it should stay that way.

There does need to be a change, though, in the way the umps and the league handles these blown calls. I know there's supposedly some grading system, and the best umps get the playoff games... but if that's the case, how do we explain all these bad playoff calls? These are the best umps they have to offer?!? Yikes.

What needs to happen is that the umps should review their performances after each game, and publish those reviews. If an umpiring crew has to come out and say, "we made the right call here and here, but on this one and this one, we got it wrong," that's accountability we can see, rather than this mysterious, cloak-and-dagger thing they allegedly have behind the scenes. And when an ump really blows a call, there should be a consequence. When a ballplayer makes a bad mistake, he gets benched. When any other sort of employee screws up, he gets a writeup or a suspension. When an ump calls a guy safe when he's out by a step, or calls a ball foul that is fair by two feet, find somebody to replace him in the next game. He will know why, the players will know why, and the fans will know why. Simple as that.

Instant Replay is an attempt to eliminate mistakes, but mistakes will never be eliminated. That does not mean, however, that they should be tolerated.


Next Year's Rockies

Clearly, this is a team on the rise. Some difficult decisions will have to be made for this team next year. Here are my off-the-cuff thoughts on who stays and who goes next year:

GONE: Garrett Atkins, Brad Hawpe, Jason Marquis.

Garrett's contract with the Rockies is up this season. I do not expect the Rockies to sign him for next year. He has been a great Rockie, but his last two seasons have not been up to par. Stewart is the 3B for this team in the future. There is no reason to keep Garrett, but his productivity during his years here should get him plenty of looks from around the majors.

Hawpe has been a favorite of mine for quite a while, but his streakiness cannot be tolerated any longer. He basically slumped for the entire second half of the season. If he can be traded (I'm not sure of his contract status) then they should do so, to make room for Smith and Gonzales as full-time outfielders.

Marquis had a very good year for the Rockies. He will turn that into a decent contract for some other team.

BRING BACK: Torrealba, Betancourt, Spilborghs, Giambi

Yorvit showed that he is both a great backup catcher and a great starting catcher. I expect Iannetta to have a better season at the plate next year and to be the starter once again... if Yorvit will play for the money the Rockies can afford to pay him, I hope he'll come back.

Signing relievers to long-term contracts is always risky, but I thought that Betancourt did an outstanding job since coming from Cleveland, and I hope he's back. Beimel was pretty good too, but I don't know if they'll be able to afford them both.

Ryan Spilborghs is a great guy to have as a 4th outfielder, right-handed bat off the bench, and all-around good team guy by all accounts. I hope he returns.

Jason Giambi really surprised me with both his outstanding attitude and his ability in the last month of the season. I don't know what his plans are and what sort of money he's looking for, but with Helton at 1B, Giambi would be returning to this team to be his backup and to come off the bench. If he's willing to do that, I think the Rockies should make him an offer.

BATTLE: EY Jr vs. Clint Barmes for starting 2B, loser is utility infielder.

Ey Jr needs some playing time, but Barmes' inability to do anything at the plate has finally overwhelmed the fantastic defense he brings. I would like to see Young make the team as the starting 2B, his speed and bat can only help us out... if his defense approaches Clint's, I think they should go with the kid.

Barmes is a good guy to keep as a utility infielder, as he is an excellent defensive player who can play 2B, SS, and 3B. He hits a lot of HRs for a second baseman, but his inconsistency and his high strikeout count are too much to trade for that spotty power.

ROTATION: Ubaldo, Francis, Cook, DLR, Hammels.

Think about that for a second... that's a helluva rotation. I would like to see Morales challenge for that 5th spot, but if not, he was pretty good out of the bullpen. If Francis is healthy and ready to go, I expect the Rockies starting pitching to be even better next year than it was this year, and this was easily the best starting rotation the team has ever had.

GO ROCKIES!!!

NLDS Game 1: Phillies 5 Rockies 1

Cliff Lee was terrific for nine innings today. Ubaldo Jimenez was terrific for four... unfortunately, he pitched six. Lee did exactly what the Phillies got him to do, and the Rockies bats had no answer. Add a bit of wind and some timely hits and agressive base running by the Phils, and you have a pretty easy win for the Phillies.

So, what do we know after game 1? We know that a great pitching performance can make a team look bad. We know that the Rockies are going to have to win one game in Philly in order to win this series. And we now know that that win will not be game one!

Another note: I HATE the five-game series format in the division series. The best-of-five means that the loser of the first game must win three of the next four to advance, and that gives too great an advantage to the winner of game one. There's no need to minimize the division series... they can cut out some of the off days and easily make it a seven-game series just like the league and world series are. So hey, MLB... get with the program! Don't lengthen the season, but make the division series a best of seven like the other playoff series are!

Playoff Time!

Well, the Rockies are in the playoffs as the NL Wild Card. They face the Phillies in a best-of-five series. What are their chances?

The answer to that depends on two things: Phillies pitching and Rockies bats. I am not too worried about Rockies pitching against the Philly offense... even with the loss of De La Rosa, the Rockies staff has shown that they can keep just about any lineup quiet. The Phillies have one of the most potent lineups in the NL, but they are very streaky. If they streak hot, the Rockies will be in trouble no matter how well they pitch. But if they are average or if Colorado lucks out and catches them in a slump (they did not play particularly well down the stretch), the Rockies starters and relievers should be able to keep the scores low. Marquis and Morales are the wild cards here... these two have some people nervous with their performances over the last month or so. Either could make a big difference one way or the other.

The Rockies feast on right-handed pitching, but are .500ish against lefties. The Phillies have a lot of lefties in their rotation. Big advantage Philly. And against those lefties, Stewart is likely to sit in favor of Atkins, and Hawpe sits in favor of Spilborghs. When defense is factored in, Hawpe vs Spilborghs is probably a push, but Atkins for Stewart at the hot corner is a clear step down. Unfortunately, the right-handed bats Tracy will bring in against the Phillies' starters aren't hitting any better than the left-handed bats he'll be benching, but this does give the Rockies bench a ton of left-handed power against a Philly bullpen without a reliable left-hander... which is nice!

But there are questions surrounding those Philly left-handers: Cole Hamels was the World Series MVP in 2008, but hasn't been great in 2009. He could return to form and dominate, or he could be a bump in the road. Cliff Lee came in like gangbusters after being traded to the Phils, allowing three earned runs over his first five starts, all wins... but since then, he has been average at best in Phillies red, going 2-4 with one no decision. Which Hamels and Lee will show up to face the Rockies? And we can't overlook the mess that is the Phillies bullpen... even if their starters shut the Rockies down, with the way the Rockies have shown they can rally in late innings, you've got to believe that just about any lead handed to the Phillies 'pen will have Phillies fans reaching for their favorite stomach acid reducer.

Things working in the Rockies' favor: they are the only one of the four NL playoff teams to have a winning record over the final ten games of the season, and the only one which really had a fight on their hands to make the playoffs. Remember, about a week ago, the Braves were breathing right down their backs for the Wild Card, and the Rockies responded with some pretty good baseball. Teams that go into the playoffs hot usually tend to stay hot. Rockies fans hope that the Rockies September (their 2nd-best month of the season behind their sizzling June) is just them getting warmed back up.

Prediction: I hate predictions. They're as reliable as a weather forecast, but a lot less useful. I will predict one thing: Rockies and Phillies fans will still be happier next week than Tigers fans are today.

Go Rockies!!!

WORSE THAN THE ROCKIES

Hello loyal readers, and welcome to this year's final edition of "Worse Than The Rockies." This is another grab bag, so sit back and enjoy!

Worse Than The Rockies: The Magic Number

Ask just about any sports fan what a Magic Number is, and he or she will know the answer: it's the amount of wins (for the leader) plus losses (by the team chasing them) needed for a team to clinch a postseason playoff berth. As of this morning, the Rockies' Magic Number is 7... so if they win seven games, they're in the playoffs; if the Giants and Braves lose 7 games, the Rockies are in; and any combination of Rockies wins and Giants/Braves losses totaling 7 means the Rockies are in.

So, what's the problem with the Magic Number? Very simply: it's not magic. It's not even complicated. A third grader can figure it out: take the number of games in a season and add one. From that number, subtract the current number of losses for the trailing team and the number of wins for the leading team, and what you end up with is the Magic Number. Balancing your checkbook takes more brainpower... it's subtraction, not magic.

Ancient Egyptians designing the Great Pyramids already knew that the circumference of any circle is its diameter times pi. We figured out a calendar that tells us the exact dates when the days will be longest, shortest, and right in between, like 3500 years ago. We've been using zero as a number - despite the fact that it indicates a lack of things to count - for 2000 years. Those are numbers that might be considered at least somewhat "magical." Perhaps if you were a caveman who'd been frozen in ice, thawed out, and then handed the sports page, you'd think that one number telling us something about two teams at once was pretty special, but my guess is that you'd be far too distracted by airplanes and fingernail polish to be impressed with this concept, to say nothing about calling it "magic."

Magic Number, you're cool and all, but you're a bit too big for your britches. Give us a bit of credit, here... you're just a clinch number, and everybody knows it. Your arrogant, inflated sense of your own worth makes you Worse Than the Rockies. 1.5/4 Dingers.


WORSE THAN THE ROCKIES: The Dyson Vacuum Guy

Listening to this pompous douche talk about his vacuum gets more annoying every time I hear it. The guy acts like he invented the cotton gin and then cured cancer with it. Shut up, dick! It's a vacuum! And frankly, that decrepit old antique you are ragging on in the ad picked up the dog food every bit as well as your stupid-looking spacevac did. Yours doesn't even have a light! I don't care if it benefits from all the scientifically proven advantages of The Ball... it simply can't be cool unless it has a headlight.

You really want to be able to brag about making vacuuming easier? Go invent the floating chair with no legs, so my shitty old Model T vacuum can go right underneath it. Then, I won't be subject to the endless ridicule from loved ones and strangers alike as I am forced to twist my arm that extra five degrees, or -- heaven forbid -- move the chair a few inches, in order to complete my grueling carpet upkeep regimen. So when you've invented the legless floating chair, then your smug ass can come on back to my TV screen and brag about your invention in that snooty Imperial Empire Officer accent of yours, and I promise to consider it on its own merits. Until then, you and your ball are Worse Than the Rockies. 2.5/4 Dingers.


WORSE THAN THE ROCKIES: PETER FORSBERG'S FEET

Ok, again with the comeback try, Forsberg? Give it up, man! No matter how great you are from the knees up, your feet and ankles just can't handle it, and they haven't been able to for some time. I know there are plenty of fans out there who would love to see you back hobbling around the ice for the 30-35 games you might actually be healthy enough to suit up, but I'm not one of them. It's like watching Fred Astaire dance in a wheelchair, except that might actually be inspiring. This is just sad. Please, Peter, just call it a career and be happy! Go sign up for beer league hockey and enjoy nailing every puck bunny you meet for the rest of your life. But don't go down this "one more try in the NHL" road again, because your feet are Worse Than the Rockies. 2/4 Dingers.

HELTON SHAVES, SHARES BEARD

In an admirable display of selflessness and teamwork, Todd Helton has shaved his beard for the playoff stretch run. According to Beardmagik experts, this will allow even more Beard-power to be dispersed among his teammates. "I really liked the beard," Helton did not say recently. "It made it look like I had a bit more of a chin, and that's a good thing. But I'm so good at this game, I really don't NEED a beard, so I thought I'd share it with others." Helton did not say if, or when, he would let his beard grow back.

Ian Stewart inherited much of Helton's beard, and has been seen recently putting it to good use, his batting average climbing from .229 on Sept 3 to .230 on Sept 20. "I think the beard has really helped," Stewart intimated, "and I'm batting 25 points over my weight. If I weighed 320 pounds, I'd be in the Hall of Fame!"

Rockies 1B Jason Giambi, faced with allegations that his goatee has been chemically enhanced, did not have this to say: "Look, I may have massive arms with garden-hose veins running all over them, but this beard is 100% clean, I can promise you that. Hell, Steinbrenner wouldn't even let me wear one, so why would I have bothered? I'm just so glad that Todd decided to divvy up his beard for the rest of us. That's a team leader right there. Jeter wouldn't even share his Gatorade with us, and they sent him case after case of that shit."

Efforts to convince Clint Barmes to grow a beard have been fruitless, as he continues to look as if he's stumbling drunk out of a taxi every time he swings the bat. "I don't get it," Barmes neglected to say. "I'm doing everything I know how to do. I close my eyes, swing straight up as hard as I can, and then lose my balance and fall over home plate, and I still can't seem to get a hit. I don't know how growing a beard is going to help."

Rockies manager Jim Tracy would have agreed had the comments been real. "Clint's right," Tracy might have said, "he's swinging like one leg's a foot shorter than the other and his batting helmet is on sideways. I doubt that a beard's gonna change that."

GM Dan O'Dowd did not comment on reports that he is looking into a plan to fire the struggling second baseman towards the sun, hoping for a slingshot effect which will allow him to travel back in time to June, when he had 37 hits and batted .314. "As a mid-market team, firing Clint Barmes into the sun is not something that we can make happen. Frankly, I'd like to see him at least give the beard a try... it can't hurt, and it would be budget-neutral. But in the end, it's Tracy's call to make."

Beard Shavings

Hello, my dear readers. It is I, The Beard! I am taking a quick break from my exhausting work in the Rockies' clubhouse to touch base, as it were, with you all.

For those of you following the playoff chase, this has been a trying time. The Rockies built a substantial lead on the Giants with a 9-1 homestand, and then have seen it whittled down as they have struggled on the road against the Padres and the Giants. Trepidation is common throughout the universe, as Rockies fans everywhere wonder if they will break out of this poorly-timed slump. Some are even questioning whether the Rockies were any good in the first place, wondering if all they have really done was beat up on the Pirates and Nationals a few dozen times, but unable to stand up to the better teams... I understand your confusion, Rockies fans, and it is important enough to me to pause my work with the Rockies to calm your fears.

First of all, even with my great, Beard-inspired optimism, I cannot dispute that the Rockies have not shown up lately in the games that have mattered the most. Since beating the Giants in the 14th inning last month, they have played eight games against the Dodgers and Giants, and have but one victory. As of this writing, they have lost five straight against the Giants, and have been outscored by the usually-inept San Francisco offense 35-11. Rockies fans can no longer pretend that there is no cause for concern. The Rockies, when faced with an opponent desperate for a win, have failed to execute, and their once-comfortable lead in the wild card standings has dwindled.

Now, is there a reason for this? Some good news we can hang our hats on, you ask? Yes and no. As a Great and All-Knowing Beard, I say to those of you who are viewing every game as a must-win, that every team goes through slumps. It just so happens that the Rockies' first signifigant slump since June has happened at a very bad time, and against precisely the wrong teams. Do not forget, dear readers, that the Rockies were not a "hot" team, as many have called them. They are a good team, and they will continue to be a good team when this slump is over.

There are, of course, reasons for slumps... they aren't all just bum luck and bad timing. The Rockies pitching has fallen off a step, defense and baserunning mistakes have cost them some runs, and they still strike out way too often. There is room for improvement, but not much time for it.

The bad news is this: the Rockies inability to turn things up a notch when the games are meaningful does not bode well for their chances in the playoffs, should they make it that far. Now, for those who love silver linings, if the Rockies DO fight through this slump and make the playoffs, it could work to their advantage, and give them a much-needed confidence boost as they prepare to face the best the National League has to offer. But, that's getting ahead of ourselves a bit.

For my part, I am going to suggest to every Rockie in the clubhouse that they grow a beard. This will make it much easier for me to channel my greatness from one player to the next, depending on who needs it most. For example, Ubaldo last night could definitely have used some Beard-magik, but seeing as how his face is as smooth as a glass baby, I had little to work with. But trust me, Rockies players! The time for your beards to flourish is NOW! Do not be afraid, let them grow!!

First among them, however, must be Ryan Spilborghs. It's time to get back to basics, and that starts with me, The Beard, and my primary conduit of greatness, Ryan. From Ryan's noble visage, I will spread Beardly greatness throughout the clubhouse. Don't look at it, no matter what! It may be too much greatness for one human to bear. The faces of those who oppose us shall melt and explode, and the playoffs will land with a reverberating boom at the feet of the Rockies faithful.

MITWOTS Diary - Recap

Well, the Most Important Two Weeks Of The Season ended with a thud for the Rockies. After a great and exciting start, taking three of four from the Giants and then the first of three from the Dodgers, things looked pretty good, and national press was starting to look the Rockies' way. And thanks to that hot start, things still aren't looking so bad for the Rockies... but they could have been a lot better. Dropping the last two to the Dodgers, and then getting swept on the road in San Francisco, was a big speed bump in the Rockies' road to the playoffs.

When looked at as a losing streak, the Rockies' 5-game streak to the two teams they're most directly in contention with looks pretty bad. But if we break it down, there are signs of hope. Starting pitching failed one game, Fogg's start against LA, but other than that they pitched well, even excellently at times. Relief pitching failed in one game, the finale in SF, but again, other than that, they pitched fairly well. Rockies' bats did some damage, but as has been a problem off and on all year, it was often too little & too late. And every once in a while, you just run into a guy who pitches a great game... the Rockies ran into three (Wolf, Lincecum, and Zito). So was it a successful stretch of games? Not entirely, but it wasn't entirely a failure, either.

Things will have to change, and change fast, if the Rockies hope to pull back ahead of the Giants, Marlins, and Braves in the WC chase. Luckily, the Rockies' schedule looks pretty favorable from here on out, and we can only hope that they take full advantage of it. The bottom line is this: after these two weeks, we still don't know exactly what the Rockies are made of this season. Are they a team that never give up, and can win exciting games with pitching, defense, and hitting? Or are they a team that can be overmatched against good teams in big games, and can't function with one or two vital pieces out of the mix? The answer is probably all of the above.

It would have been nice to enter September with a nice, 4-game cushion. But the NL playoffs are going to be tough, and perhaps a fight to the finish will give the wild card winner a better chance at hanging in with the likes of Philly, St Louis, and Los Angeles in October. At any rate, it will be an exciting month to end the season!

Sunday, August 30, 2009

MITWOTS Diary - Day 9

Another good pitching performance quiets Rockies' bats. One game up in the wild card race, five back in the division. With one game to go in The Most Important Two Weeks Of The Season, the Rockies have not taken advantage of the situation they were given.

The "glass is half-full" folks will say that the Rockies picked a bad time to go on a slump, faced some high-end pitching, and were in pretty much every game of this four-game losing streak. The "glass is half empty" types will say that the Rockies faltered when they ran into good teams playing well when every game was a huge one. The excuse makers will say that the Rockies suffered a letdown both physically and mentally from the two extra-innings wins, and did well with two of their better hitters and faster players out of the lineup with injuries, replaced by a kid with zero games in the bigs.

No matter which of the above camps you fall into, the Rockies will not have any easier time of it today. Hammel, their most up-and-down starter, goes up against one of the Giants' most dependable pitchers, Matt Cain. This game boils down the MITWOTS into one handy question: Do the Rockies come out of this stretch with an advantage moving towards the playoffs, or in a dead heat with the Giants?

Saturday, August 29, 2009

MITWOTS Diary - Day 8... Time to Worry?

The Rockies began the Most Important Two Weeks Of The Season by winning 3 of 4 from the Giants. Things were good. But now, the Rockies have lost 3 of four, and they are once again 4 games behind the Dodgers and a mere two ahead of the Giants. So, how do we at Year of the Beard feel about all this?

Not too bad, actually. Let's look at their three-game losing streak for a moment... they lost a game to the Dodgers in which Josh Fogg started against Randy Wolf, after two straight extra-innings Rockies wins. This game was like staring down the barrel of a gun... it was a game where a win would have been a pleasant little bonus, and so their loss, to me, is no biggie. The next game, they were stymied by the Dodgers' much better version of Fogg, Vincente Padilla, in a pretty good game that could have gone either way. And last night, probably the best pitcher in the NL owned them, Tim Lincecum leading the Giants to a 2-0 victory.

So the Rockies aren't getting blown out, and with the exception of Fogg they have pitched pretty well... just not as well as their opponents. So it's too early to suggest that the Rockies are slumping, they've just played a couple good games that haven't gone their way against good opponents. So while it's tough to see the Giants creeping back to within striking distance, it's not panic time just yet.

This is not to suggest that the Rockies have been hard-luck losers, however... they need to do a lot more with the bats than they have been lately. Lost in all the excitement of the 14-inning victory earlier this week was the fact that the Rockies left a LOT of runners on base, and that trend has continued in every game since. You have to tip your cap to the opposing pitcher, of course, but the sorts of opportunities the Rockies have had but failed to convert are going to have to start turning into runs on the scoreboard, if the Rockies consider themselves a playoff team.

It doesn't get a lot easier from here: the Rockies face a resurgent Barry Zito today, and then the Giants other ace, Matt Cain in the finale. It's entirely possible that the Rockies could be back in a tie for the Wild Card by the end of the weekend. The Rockies are a better team than the Giants, and overall they are at least the equal of the Dodgers... but they've been freaked out by good pitching the last week or so. That needs to end today, if the Rockies hope not only to challenge for the division, but to hold off three very good teams chasing them for the wild card.

Friday, August 28, 2009

MITWOTS Diary - Day 7

The rubber match of the three-game Dodgers series went the wrong way for Rockies fans, with the Dodgers winning the game 3-2. It was a good game, with the Rockies getting the tying run to 2nd in the bottom of the 9th, but Broxton shut the door. The Rockies lost Carlos Gonzales again, who appeared to land on his cut hand while diving to make a catch. EY Jr replaced him, leaving fans to wonder if the 9th may have turned out differently had Gonzales' hot bat been up in the crucial 9th inning rather than a guy playing in his 3rd major league game.

The Dodgers leave town with a four-game division lead. The D-backs finally did the Rockies a favor, pummeling the Giants, to leave them three behind the Rockies in the wild card standings. The Most Important Two Weeks Of The Season now hits the road, with a crucial three-game set in San Francisco. The Rockies can either leave California with a comfortable lead, or back in a tight race for the Wild Card.

Thursday, August 27, 2009

MITWOTS Diary - Day 6

Josh Fogg's shaky start doomed the Rockies in their second of three games with the Dodgers, losing 6-1 and ensuring that LA will leave Colorado with a lead in the division race. All of LA's runs were scored on home runs. Fogg pitched OK for the first three innings, but the 4th was a struggle; he faced six batters in the 4th inning and allowed four runs on two homers, without recording an out.

Randy Wolf pitched very well for the Dodgers, limiting baserunners and allowing one HR to Ryan Spilborghs. Juan Rincon was a highlight for the Rockies, pitching four perfect innings in relief, helping to create a situation for today's game in which most of the bullpen arms should be available. EYJr continued to hit the ball fairly well, with two more hits, and continued to learn hard lessons on the basepaths, getting caught stealing for the second time in as many games.

So, will the Dodgers have a two game lead after today, or a four-game lead? The Giants gained ground on the Rockies also, and are now three back. Needless to say, but the rubber match today is a big game! Go Rockies!!

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

MITWOTS Diary - Day 5

Another extra-innings game, another win for the Rockies. Luckily, this time, the Rockies won it quick, saving what's left of their bullpen. Had Jason Hammel not gone 7 innings and had Tulo's single with the bases loaded not won the game in the 10th, the Rockies could have been in trouble bullpen-wise for the rest of the series. As it is, they must hope for another innings eating performance tonight from Josh Fogg (and, I'm guessing, one long reliever), to let the end-of-game guys get some much needed rest.

It's unlikely this game would have even gone to extras had the bullpen not been overworked after the 14-inning win. Tracy decided to rest Street, and put the save in the hands of Betancourt and Daley, who were unable to come through. Daley had pitched two innings in the 14-inning game, so putting him in to face Manny was an odd decision, and he ended up giving up a two-strike hit that tied the game. But at any rate, it was another big win for the Rockies, who now sit two games back in the NL West, and even more unbelievably, are getting national coverage!

And congrats to Eric Young Jr, who got his first start, hit, and caught stealing last night! Go Rockies!

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

MITWOTS Diary - Day 4

Ryan Spilborghs' grand slam in the bottom of the 14th gave the Rockies their third straight win over the Giants, winning 6-4. It was the weird sort of extra-innings game where you see stuff you don't often see: both benches run out of players, pitchers used as pinch-runners, nealry 30 guys left on base, relief pitchers batting with the bases loaded, and so many double switches that a scorecard looks like a NYC subway map.

Barry Zito and Jason Marquis started the game and both pitched fantastic games, leaving the game tied 1-1 after nine and up until the top of the 14th, when the Giants scored three runs off alleged Major League pitcher Adam Eaton. Luckily for the Rockies, the Giants' pitching was no better in the bottom of the 14th, as the aforementioned Eaton walked with the bases loaded to bring in one run, and then Spilborghs sent the crowd home happy with his shot to deep right field.

The Rockies had a frustrating amount of chances to win the game before that, however, and near the end, it had the feel of one of those games that would come back to haunt them. Troy Tulowitzki tried (and failed) to hit a 600-foot home run in every at-bat, and on his lone hit of the evening, his boneheaded baserunning cost the Rockies a 1st-and-3rd with no outs situation. One double play (a tailor-made DP ball to Spliborghs) later, the Giants had escaped the 10th unscathed. And twice, Clint Barmes came to bat with the winning run at third, and twice he failed to put the ball in play.

This win might have come at a high cost, however, as Dexter Fowler fouled a ball into his leg or knee and collapsed in obvious pain. He stayed in the game and drew a walk (the Rockies had only Ianetta on the bench, who Tracy had to save to hit for Gonzales due to his hand injury), eventually scoring when Eaton walked with the bases loaded, but he was limping badly. And it remains to be seen what the long night will do to the Rockies tomorrow, as the Dodgers come to town. But with one swing of the bat, the Rockies went from staring at a two-game lead over the Giants to having a four-game lead, and a fantastic start to the Most Important Two Weeks Of The Season. Go Rockies!

Monday, August 24, 2009

MITWOTS Diary - DAY 3

Major League Baseball had a tailor-made national TV game yesterday at Coors Field, with 2008 Cy Young winner Tim Lincecum and the Giants facing budding star Ubaldo Jimenez and the Rockies at Coors Field, with only two games separating the teams at the top of the NL Wild Card standings. Naturally, all the national attention went to yet another Yankees/Red Sox tilt. Does ESPN realize that when they hype a matchup that happens 18 times a year as if it were a once-in-a-lifetime event, it gets kind of old?

Unlike ESPN's pet matchup, the Rox/Giants lived up to its billing. Lincecum -- even though he looked shaky at times -- carried a no hitter into the 6th. Jimenez made one mistake pitch to Renteria that put him in a 2-0 hole early. In the 6th, a single by Helton and a bad defensive decision by the Giants allowed him to score from 2nd, and the Rockies were on the board; in the 7th, a Seth Smith 2-run shot made it 3-2 Rockies. Jimenez wriggled off the hook in the 8th, Rockies scored an insurance run when Barmes took one for the team, and Street closed the game with a perfect 9th.

The Rockies have taken two of three from the Giants, with the final game of the series tonight. They gain a game in the wild card standings to hold a 3 game lead over SF and the Braves one further back. The Rockies also gained a game on the Dodgers and trail in the division by 3.5 games. And if you missed the game, just tune to ESPN... after 15 minutes on the Sox/Yanks and another 10 on the Phillies' unassisted triple play to end their game (conveniently disguising their bullpen's efforts to blow another save), you might get lucky to see some highlights, right before "Tom Brady Sacked!!!" and other pressing news. Go Rockies!

Sunday, August 23, 2009

MITWOTS Diary - Day 2

Day 2 of the Most Important Two Weeks Of The Season started much like day 1 did... iffy pitching putting the Rockies in a 6-1 hole early. The light-hitting Giants were once again getting healthy against the Rockies. It was a sorry sight.

Unlike yesterday, however, the Rockies began to claw their way back before the 9th inning. A couple runs in the 4th made it 6-3, and showed that they might have signs of life in this game. A seven-run explosion in the 6th put them in the lead. They then scored four more runs in the 7th, which they ended up needing, as the Giants refused to give in, scoring 5 runs in the final two innings off of Daley and Herges. Street had to come in to secure the game in a non-save situation, getting the final two outs for a 14-11 Rockies win.

The Rockies' wild card lead is back to two games over the Giants. The Dodgers beat the Cubs again to maintain their 4.5 game division lead... the Cubs look to be done and are taking in water fast; they don't look like they're going to be able to help the Rockies any. Today's game is key for both teams: Lincecum vs Jimenez. If SF wins, they still have a shot at leaving Colorado tied for the wild card. Rockies win, and they guarantee a split and at least a two game lead.

In other news, the Rockies are close to signing Jason Giambi to a minor league contract, and he will report to the Sky Sox. The idea is that the former MVP and juicer will be a veteran left-handed bench bat when the rosters are expanded next month. The Rockies have also reportedly signed free agent pitcher Russ Ortiz to a minor league contract, for pitching depth with Cook on the DL. Go Rockies!

Saturday, August 22, 2009

MITWOTS Diary - Day 1

Mellow greetings this morning, disciples of The Beard! The Most Important Two Weeks Of The Season did not start out the way Rockies fans would have liked last night, with a 6-3 loss to the Giants. This, coupled with a Dodgers win over the Cubs, leaves the Rockies 4.5 games back in the division, and one game ahead of the Giants in the wild card race.

It was clear from the outset that this game would be an uphill battle for the Rockies. An ill Tulowitzki meant that their best defender and hottest bat was out of the lineup. The Rockies looked shaky in the field, committing three errors. And from the first pitch, we could tell that something was wrong with Cook... every ball was up, and his command was terrible. It's his second straight awful start, and he will probably end up on the DL. And as we've seen far too often recently, Rockies were striking out more often than a Gaming Guild at the Playboy Mansion.

Even so, the Rockies had plenty of chances to get back in this game. Helton hit into a double play with the bases loaded. Spilborghs (still tinkering with his facial-hair formation) left four on base. And they got the tying run to the plate in the 9th. This game could have turned out differently had either Tulo or Cook been healthy, but with both out, we shouldn't be too surprised at the outcome.

Beard Shavings

Greetings Rockies fans! The Rockies clubhouse is brimming with wins and with beards, and I have been busying myself with both. After another winning road trip, the Rockies are headed home today to start the Most Important Two Weeks Of The Season. Four games with the Giants (currently 2 games back of the Rockies in the wild card standings). Then, three games with the Dodgers (currently 3.5 games ahead of Colorado in the NL West Standings). Then, on the road for three more games with the Giants.

By the end of August, Rockies fans, we shall know a great deal about this team. Are they pretenders who have been lucky enough to pile up wins against the likes of the Nationals and Pirates? Or, are they a truly Beard-worthy team this season, capable of winning their first NL West division title? The next two weeks will tell us much.

If the Rockies struggle in these upcoming series, they will find themselves 3-4 games back of the Giants/Marlins in the wild card. If they play these games around .500ish, they could emerge still holding on to the wild card lead by the skin of their teeth. Or they can win these three series, and find themselves entering a relatively easy (and home-heavy) September leading their division.

Will they need the September schedule to play catch-up, caught in the midst of the 5-team wild card race? Or will they use those games to pad a lead over the Dodgers, possibly even to gain a home-field advantage throughout the NL playoffs?

Many around the baseball world have called the Rockies "streaky," but as usual, few of these people are informed. Since the day Jim Tracy took over this team, there is not a 10-game stretch in the season in which the Rockies have been less then a .500 team. But that will mean little if they cannot win these vital games with their closest division and playoff rivals.

The Beard hopes that you will enjoy these games! With the power of Ryan Spilborghs' Beard at their side, the Rockies begin the final march towards the 2009 postseason. And I, The Beard, will see you there!

Beard Shavings

Greetings loyal readers! Once again, I find myself begging your pardon for the long delay between updates, but I, The Beard, have been very busy of late. Not only is the Rockies lineup as beard-heavy as it has ever been, but that excellence is flowing freely from their faces to their play on the field! It has been a very exciting thing to be a part of, and I am doing everything I can to help maintain it.

I can finally report that Ryan's and my efforts to spread greatness through the Rockies clubhouse has taken full effect! Ryan's latest facial hair efforts have been exemplary, and many of his teammates have followed suit. Joe Beimel has been a nice, albeit scruffy addition to the team. Ian Stewart is putting forth a nice effort in the beard department, although I must admit it needs as much work as his batting average. And Helton -- a guy who really doesn't need Beardly influence to reach greatness -- was even sporting the full beard up until a week or so ago. With so many beards finely tuned to excellence, even with those who cannot grow a manly beard have been playing great, and that's been our goal all along: to bring Beardly greatness to all who wear the Rockies uniform.

On the field, the Rockies continue to excel. They are keeping pace with the Giants, and have gained a bit of ground on the Dodgers. The Rockies have an interesting August, with every remaining series but one (the Nationals next week) against a playoff contender, seven of those games against the Giants. Their September schedule looks much more favorable, with 18 of 27 games at Coors Field, and only six games (three at the Giants, three at home against the Cardinals) against teams currently with winning records.

The key games of the season are upon us here in the 2nd half of August: if the Rockies hold on or gain ground in the next two weeks, then they can take the lead down the home stretch in September. But if they falter in August, they'll have to use September to catch up. This is what a pennant race is all about, Rockies fans! And it's fun to be a part of it!

Worse Than The Rockies

Hello, and welcome to another Worse Than The Rockies movie review! Today we have an especially turdish film to critique: Transformers 2, the Revenge of the Fallen.

Man, where to start with this one? This movie is a complete and utter mess, and even though there are clues early on (like the token white guy in prehistoric, tribal Africa), you don't really get the full effect of this one until you reach the end. Explaining the plot of a film like this one is a bit like describing poop's motivation to escape the butt, but I'll give it a shot:

Transformers came to Earth a zillion years ago, and built a machine that destroys stars and turns them into energy. But, being noble creatures, they do not destroy any star in a system where there is life. This pesky rule didn't stop one Transformer, though, who wants to destroy Earth's sun to make some energy. He gets banished from Transformer-land (becoming the titular "Fallen"), but only after the other ruling Transformers (the "Primes") sacrifice themselves to hide the key that activates the star-energy machine, thus saving Earth from destruction. With me so far?

The Decepticons are all descendants/followers of this Fallen guy, the Autobots descendants of the noble Primes. Through a series of conveniently placed plot holes, Megatron, leader of the Decepticons (killed in the first film) is raised from the dead, and begins to search for Sam, the whiny kid from the first film, who has a map to the star machine in his brain, somehow. The Autobots, working together with the militaries of the world, are going around hunting Decepticons, and try to stop them.

That's pretty much it, plot-wise. Optimus Prime is killed in a fight so confusing and hard to follow that the robots have to narrate it for us ("Take that, Optimus! I punch your face, Megatron!"), a battle ensues in Egypt, Optimus is revived, the Autobots win and destroy the star power machine, all in just under 2 1/2 hours!

With some sneaky research, I actually uncovered the shooting script for this movie! The following is the final page of the script.

Exterior Egypt, day. The Autobots and the Army Guys bring Optimus' lifeless body to the desert. The Decepticons attack the Pyramids to uncover the Star Machine. Sam and his girlfriend rush to revive Optimus with the stuff in Sam's tube sock.

GIANT BATTLE!!! WOOSH! WHARRR!!! Megan Fox runs away from explosions in slow motion. Sam gets exploded.

Megan Fox: "Sam, I love you!"

Sam goes to Transformer heaven.

Dead Transformer: "Sam, you did great. The leadership matrix isn't in your sock, it's in your heart. Go back and revive Optimus."

Sam goes back to earth and is alive!

Sam: "I love you too! Now let's revive Optimus!"

Optimus is revived and fights The Fallen on a pyramid. SCHHLAAWWWR!! KA-BAM!!!! The Machine is destroyed. Megatron and Starscream retreat to the third movie.

Exterior Aircraft Carrier, slow motion.

Optimus Prime: I send out this message to all Autobots: join me on Earth for another sequel in 2011.

The preceeding was the script for the entire second half of the movie, just over an hour's worth of film.

Now, on to the review: just how bad is this film? It's pretty bad, folks. The trouble is this: Michael Bay thinks you're retarded. There's no other explanation for it, really. Examples:

-- Sam conveneintly discovers something in his pocket that will reactivate dead Transformers or create new ones from kitchen appliances. Its discovery causes his parents' house to be half-destroyed, but because he's on his way to college that day, he gives this powerfully dangerous thing to his girlfriend, to keep in her purse. I know you will be tempted to ask, "why would anybody do this?" Don't... you're retarded, remember?

-- Transformers have, for some reason, developed a method of transferring information into the human brain for safekeeping. The map to their energy source machine (in the characters of their ancient language, of course) is downloaded into Sam's brain as a form of backup. This would be like humans copying the information needed to destroy worlds and create unlimited energy to a butterfly, just in case something happens to all our books, computers, and scientists. This makes perfect sense, if you are retarded.

-- Sam and his posse enter the National Air and Space museum in Washington, D.C., to find an old Transformer that can help them. The Transformer (who turns out to be a pirate or something, conveniently activated by the thinger Megan Fox had kept in her purse) exits the museum into the Arizona desert, where they are surrounded by hundreds of disused military planes. Will the audience notice that there is no desert in Washington D.C., no acres of mothballed planes surrounding the Air and Space Museum? Of course they won't! They're retarded, remember?

These are the tip of the iceberg. Michael Bay thinks we can't tell one pyramid from another; thinks we can't tell New York City from Los Angeles; thinks we'll believe that the Pyramids are near the ocean if he shows it that way; thinks we won't ask why wind that blows away a van like it was paper won't blow away the humans hiding behind it; thinks we don't know that one cannot cross the border from Jordan to Egypt, because there isn't one. None of the things in this movie would have been very tough to fix, but the movie doesn't care, and neither does Michael Bay. This movie is so lazy, it's an insult to the audience.

But here's the saddest thing of all: he's absolutely right. We are retarded, because we keep going to see his films, each one crappier than the last. Why should he make any effort to deliver anything that makes sense, has characters you can tell apart from one another, follows universally agreed upon guidelines of physics or geography, or has a beginning and an end? Why indeed, if we keep lining up to watch this garbage?

A film like Battlefield Earth is stupid, but in a cohesive sort of fashion. I don't think they set out to make a bad film, but they did, and in its own way, it is enjoyable. Transformers 2, however, was never intended to be a good film. Nobody involved with this film put any effort whatsoever into its creation, because they knew they didn't have to. It's Hollywood's version of a ponzi scheme... promise something good, deliver less than crap, take the money and run, repeat.

Bay has made a couple watchable films. The Rock was a good movie, and Armageddon was big dumb fun. But he never should have been allowed to make another film after Pearl Harbor... and unbelieveably, this is worse than that film. Michael Bay is the Worst Director in the History of Film, and this is his masterpiece of crap. This is the nadir of filmmaking. Not only is it a bad film, but it stands as an example of just how much contempt the director has for his audience. This is the first film to receive the perfectly awful rating of 4/4 Dingers. May it be the last.

Helton Beard Update/500th Double!

Today, Todd Helton hit not only his 500th career double, but also a game-winning 8th inning home run. You might notice that Helton today sported the beginnings of a full beard... I'm sure we can all agree that this is no coincidence. We can only hope that Helton will see the connection, and will continue to let that beard come in and let those big hits keep rolling right along with it. Congrats Todd, and congrats Todd's Beard!

And an added congrats to our main man Ryan Spilborghs and his wife, on the recent birth of his new Beardling Kierra!

Worse Than the Rockies: Grab Bag!

Hello, and welcome to another edition of "Worse than the Rockies." With the Rockies playing pretty darn good baseball these days, the title might strike some of you as a bit silly. But, much like "Dem Bums" remained an affectionate nickname for the Brooklyn Dodgers even after they finally got good and then left the borough that loved them more than life itself, I'm gonna stick with this title for now. It was never meant to be "Worse Than the Rockies Are Right Now," it's more like "Worse Than the Rockies When Viewed From An Historical Perspective." And let's be honest with ourselves, Rockies fans... that's still pretty bad. But we're working on it!

Anyway, today's feature is not going to focus on just one thing that's Worse Than The Rockies, I have a few things to poop on today. Here goes...

Worse Than The Rockies: Sabermetrics Guys

OK, OK, before you get your slide rules all sticky with rage, hear me out: I do love the statistical aspect of baseball. More than any other sport, the numbers are a part of the game. Baseball fans have a love of numbers, and I am no exception. And yes, I do realize that just looking at a guy's RBI and batting average tells you far less about him than there is to know. So the core idea behind enhanced analysis of baseball statistics is something that I, as a baseball fan, do appreciate. And finally, yes I do play fantasy baseball, and a player with a sub-1.00 WHIP or a high OPS intrigues me.

But listening to a die-hard SABR guy is to witness the very definition of "taking all the fun out of something." No matter how many different stats you make up about the game, it still depends on a guy hitting a ball with a bat, and the beauty of the sport is that the guy who the numbers say SHOULD be your best chance to win a game might not win it for you, and the guy the numbers say SHOULD be the one guy you don't want up in a situation just might be the guy who comes through. And the further beauty of the sport is that when it's the guy with lousy numbers' turn to bat, the guy with the awesome metrics has to sit there on the bench and cheer him on (his effectiveness in that role, no doubt, reflected in some bullshit stat somewhere).

Furthermore, it happens way too often to be coincidence that a guy whose numbers suggest he does not help his team (Josh Fogg) leaves the team, and the team goes downhill fast. The opposite is equally common: a team brings in a guy whose super-sexy numbers suggest he's going to be the difference-maker (A-Rod, Jack Parkman) but he and his new team just kind of sit there. You can look at poker, with a limited (although huge) amount of variables and possibilities, and boil everything down to a percentage and a probability. But it's just silly to approach something as complex as the sport of baseball with the assumption that everything can be objectively demonstrated with a percentage of some sort.

Now, if the numbers are the aspect of the sport that really interests you, then by all means, knock yourself out. Whatever you do in the privacy of your own home or in the company of other number geeks is fine with me. But a line is crossed when some sabermetrics goober gets on a blog (or worse, makes it past the guards and gets on TV) and starts yammering about VORP and linear weights and a bunch of stuff that they are clearly throwing out just to make it impossible to argue with them because nobody cares enough about their silly stats to even know what they mean. Go back to the chess club, sabermetrics geeks, and discuss the game on paper to your heart's content, but stop looking down your noses at the rest of us who like to see it played on a green field under the sun! Number Nerds, I appreciate your love for baseball, but if you can't carry on a conversation with somebody who's content comparing BA, RBI, and ERA, then you're Worse Than the Rockies. 2.5/4 Dingers.


Worse Than The Rockies: Full-Truck Roll Cages

Maybe this is just a Colorado thing, but I see these all over the place, and 99% of the time it's on either a Jeep Cherokee or a Toyota pickup/4runner:


Seriously, don't you think that's a bit extreme? Are you so bad at off-roading that rolling your vehicle completely over is something that really concerns you? And if you are that bad at it, are you sure want to make that so blatantly obvious to everybody else? I think if you practiced 4-wheeling as much as you practiced welding, you might just get good enough at it to keep the wheels pointing down.

It's even sillier when you see one of these in combination with one of those snorkels (another accessory in which only Jeep and Yota owners seem at all interested). I look forward to the day when I see a jeep with a full-body roll cage and TWO snorkels -- one at the roof and one down by the ground, so when he's completely upside-down in three feet of water, his engine will continue to run smoothly. Just based on uselessness alone, these gadgets are Worse Than the Rockies. 1.5/4 Dingers.


Worse Than The Rockies: Michael Jackson Insanity

Yeah, I know it's died down a bit. Sure, the guy was immensely talented, and I do feel a bit sad about the way his life turned out and ultimately ended. But for crying out loud, if there's one guy we shouldn't turn into a hero, it's this guy. Complete weirdo with no concept of how the real world works. Puts his hand over his face and pretends to cry to avoid answering questions he doesn't like. Ashamed of his race to the point that he altered his appearance to look whiter than a Swedish Goth kid. Dangles babies over balconies because he loves his kids SO MUCH. Drug and plastic surgery junkie whose nose was falling off his face. Oh, and if that wasn't enough, he diddled little cancer-suffering kids after getting them drunk (ALLEGEDLY). Yet in what should have come as a surprise to absolutely nobody, he dies young and under weird circumstances, and then gets TV coverage, celebrity shout-outs, and a memorial service greater than any serviceperson, veteran, firefighter, or cop who died in the line of duty has ever seen. WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM, AMERICA??? 3.5/4 Dingers.