A holiday message from The Beard!

Greetings readers! The Beard here, just dropping in to see how everything is going. During the baseball offseason, I rarely remain in your solar system. Nothing personal, mind you, but Earth is just far less interesting this time of year. Sure, you have your football and your hockey and your day-after-Thanksgiving sales, but I just find that my skills are put to much better use helping the inhabitants of Inglatoid (a delightful little system in the Triangulum Galaxy) in their attempts to realize manned space flight, than poking around here doing my best to get Brett Favre into the playoffs again. Yawn. And if I DID stay on Earth in the baseball offseason, you can bet it would be in the southern hemisphere. Just because I'm a beard doesn't mean I like the cold.

Anyway, The Inglatoids had really found a groove last week, so I decided to swing by to see how Spilborghs and the Rockies were doing, and what did I find? Matt Holliday in Oakland, that's what. Now, as an omniscient Beard from outer space, I saw this coming just like the rest of you, but even so I found the news irritating at best. How do they allow a hitter like Holliday to get away from them? It doesn't make sense, even to a Beard who understands everything.

To play the Devil's Advocate (*-See below) for a minute, I will admit that Holliday gave no indication that he wanted to stay. He said he liked Colorado, but then hired Boras, who nobody hires when they want to stay where they are. He wanted Yankee/Red Sox money, and the Rockies certainly can't play ball with that. So one could argue that the Rockies, who would lose Holliday due to free agency no matter what, were right to trade him while they could.

Now, back to my actual opinion that the Rockies made a mistake. Yes, Holliday did not want to stay here, but the Rockies should have made him an offer that was close to what he'd get elsewhere. If he turns it down, so be it, that's his right... but at least the Rockies would have shown their fans they were serious about this "grow players from within" concept. Why do the Rockies want to play by the Twins/A's handbook? In how many World Series have those two teams appeared lately? The answer is zero, friends.

The Rockies have developed some fine players recently. And sometimes, teams must trade fine young players away either to bring in more youth, or to keep their payroll manageable. However, players like Hollliday don't come around that often. Trade away players such as Atkins, Hawpe, Francis... not Holliday. The sad truth is that the Helton contract was not only a bust from Helton's point of view, but it ruined the possibility of keeping a cornerstone player like Holliday, too. Matt Holliday is one of the three best hitters in baseball today. This one could haunt the Rockies for some time to come.

So these are frustrating times for Rockies fans, but fear not! I shall not abandon you! I will return in the spring, and the Rockies will regain their prowess in the NL West. And I would like to welcome Don Baylor back to the Rockies organization: I am certain he will be an asset to me in my efforts to bring the Rockies back to greatness!

* The above discussion reminds me of a funny story: I acutally was the Devil's advocate once. He was pulled over for having a taillight out, and I guess he wasn't in his usual silver-tongued mood with the officer. Usually he talks his way out of it, or makes some kind of deal and drives away better off than before he was pulled over, but this night was the end of a particularly rough day, and basically just let the guy have it. Ends up not only with a ticket for operating an unsafe vehicle, but also assaulting a police officer and resisting arrest. Needless to say, he needed an experienced lawyer, and more importantly, he could afford an experienced lawyer. Not that I needed the money, but Lucifer doesn't exactly open up the coffers very often, so I made an exception to a very old rule of mine, and returned his call. Naturally, I plea bargained and kept it out of the papers. I am not at liberty to disclose the agreement, but Satan was happy with the result, and the cop got the SNL/movie career he'd always dreamed of.

September BLAH

Yes, it's September. Usually the crappiest month of the year, until last year, when it was AWESOME! But it turns out that was just a teaser, and Septembers really are crappy. September is when you have to start looking at the schedule, reaching back into the dark, cobwebby corner of your brain where you left your math skills the day you graduated high school, and figure out that yes, the Rockies have once again clinched themselves a losing record.

The Beard has done everything he can, but as he said repeatedly, he is only a guide. He seems very frustrated, and I am worried he will take his greatness to another team next year that deserves it more. The Rockies had to do it themselves, and they didn't. Unreliable pitching pretty much from top to bottom, too many strikeouts at the plate, too many left on base in scoring position. Even though the Rox had a decent record after the first 6 weeks or so, they just weren't a contender. They had flashes of good play, but when they had almost caught up and were beginning to make things interesting about a week ago... bam! Seven-game losing streak, the Dodgers have got it wrapped up.

I have been a Hurdle supporter the entire time he's been manager, until this year. Fans have been calling for his head for years, but until this season, I've been defending him. No more! And I'm finally beginning to agree with those who have called the Rockies' owners out for standing behind a guy for so long. If Hurdle has a job next season, I'm going to have to really start questioning the decisions of ownership. A team doesn't come out of the gate as flat as the Rockies did this year when they're well-prepared and coached.

The Mets had high expectations, and when they didn't meet them, their manager got canned. And now, they've got themselves in position to make the playoffs. The Rockies had high expectations, and when they didn't meet them... they did absolutely nothing, apparently satisfied that the expectations were the actual problem.

And how about O'Dowd? Pretty much every move he made with the pitching staff did not pay off. And the one guy who was solid, Fuentes (who in my opinion was the best closer in the game after the All-star break), is a guy who won't be here next year. By going with Jayson Nix, who failed completely, the Rockies basically went through the year without a real second baseman (I'd like to see them just give the job to Barmes and trade Baker). And why didn't he trade Tavares? The guy's been leading the league in steals all season, and he could have got something for him, because he's clearly not in our long-term plans (or shouldn't be, anyway. Fowler's their man).

Well, poop. Lots of teams lately have tasted success, and then taken steps back the following year only to mature into solid playoff contenders for years to come. Maybe the Rockies are no different. This September has been no different, though. Winter comes early yet again.

Random Fuzzy Bunnies!!!

So my last entry was a couple of grumpy loogies kinda hocked up on the screen, but today I am in a good mood! Partially because of the Rockies (more on them in a bit), partially because I'm back to work today, and partially for that unknown reason that you just sometimes wake up feeling just damn good. So today, I'm going to send out some good vibes...



Good Vibe #1 going out to: Chinese Gymnasts!!!

So a bunch of Americans think that the Chinese female gymnasts look way younger than 16, the cut-off for Olympic competition. Now, if there's birth certificates or something to prove these young ladies are too young, that's one thing, but for Americans to just go by how young they look... well, I just don't think that's fair, and it's just making us look stupid. Hang in there, Chinese gymnast girls!

Here's the scoop: white people are really, really lousy at guessing the ages of different races of people. For example, show a white person a photo of a black person (especially an older man), and see how often we guess he's like 15 years younger than he really is. White readers, how old do you figure Morgan Freeman is? If you said late 50s/early 60s, guess again: even though he looks maybe ten years older than he did on The Electric Company, he's 71. Barak Obama looks like the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, but he's 47. Denzel Washington is 53, for pete's sake! Who'd look at Denzel and even guess he was even into his 40s yet? Anybody?? Don Cheadle is 43... he looks 30. How old's Halle Berry? Go ahead, guess. Wrong... she's 42. Face it, white people... we suck at guessing how old non-whites are. And my guess is that every race of people has the same problem. It makes sense that we're most familiar with the types of faces we grew up with.

But now, we're all doing it to these Chinese girls. In general and in comparison to Caucasian or African faces, Asians have kinda chubby, roundish faces throughout adolescence (and often beyond), which makes them look extra young to us. The little kid walking into the Olympics with Yao Ming was nine years old, and he looked about four to me. And on top of that, what gymnast really looks her age? They ALL look like 12-year-old boys. Our 20-year-old gymnast looks like she's about 15. Yet here we are, all saying to each other, "Just look at 'em! There's no way that girl was 16!" Like we have any freakin' idea. So I want to apologize on behalf of ignorant Americans of every heritage, and send some good vibes out to the Chinese women's gymnastics team!

Unless of course, the birth certificates prove that they really are 14. If that's the case, I hope those stinking cheaters get their medals ripped off their necks and then get banned for life. That'll teach 'em!!!



Good Vibe #2 going out to: New Extreme record!!!

Yes, I'm old enough to still call them "records." And yes, I am still a fan of that "More than Words" band, Extreme. Extreme were a totally decent band that had one big hit with a soft, acoustic song that teenage girls loved... and they had the misfortune of being lumped in with every crappy, manufactured band that had one big hit with a soft, acoustic song that teenage girls loved. They broke up in the mid 90s, about the same time every pop/metal band broke up: after all their fans woke up one morning, ripped holes in their jeans and changed into flannel shirts, and started buying Pearl Jam albums all of a sudden. Then of course, their lead singer joined Van Halen and recorded one very, very bad album, and everybody blamed him for it. But honestly, every single Extreme record is better than VHIII, so I don't think Gary Cherone was the problem there.

Anyway, the persistent cries of literally dozens of fans have finally led Extreme to get back together and record a new CD, which was released just last week. It's called "Saudades de Rock," and guess what? It's pretty dang good. It manages to sound contemporary, while fitting right into the Extreme collection without any sense of there being 13 years since we last heard from them. If you hated Extreme in the early 90s, you probably won't care, but if you liked them even a little, do yourself a favor and check out this CD and tell me what you think.



Good Vibe #3 going out to: Michael Phelps!!!

Not that he needs any more good vibes, he's had a pretty good week. Winning all eight events you enter against the world's best competition in the world's fastest pool is an accomplishment, but winning eight golds when winning seven would be seen as a failure... that's why people are saying he did the impossible. Obviously it wasn't impossible because he did it, but we may never see it again. Plus, I wanted an excuse to put some fit girls in bikinis up on the page, so here they are.



Good Vibe #4 going out to: Rockies!!!

This won't last, but I'll enjoy it while it does. Remember in Major League II, when after being a superfan for half the season, Randy Quaid finally loses it and puts a big black X on his Indians jersey, and spends the rest of the year going to games just to boo them? That's pretty much where I was at when the last homestand ended. They had a chance at Coors Field, against two of the worst teams in the league and the division leader, to take the NL West by its girly horns, but they pooped instead. But, lo and behold, they sweep the same Nats on the road that they couldn't spank at home. We all know it won't be the start of anything, because all year long it hasn't been... but it's still nice to see a road sweep. Keep it up, Rox.

Random Gripes

Hello! Jim here. The Beard is off doing mysterious, Beard-related activities, leaving me to write the column today. Problem is, I'm cranky, and when I'm cranky, I gripe. Why cranky, you ask? I drove down to Denver last night, not for the Rox/Sens game, but to go to Lakeside Amusement Park. Everybody in Denver should visit Lakeside... it is what amusement parks should be. Lakeside is the anti-Disneyland. 100 years old, classic roller coaster, very cool neon everywhere, no costumed characters or silly parades, and it's affordable: you can pay to ride the rides if you want, or just wander around for the $2.50 admission fee if you don't. But it was closed because of the rainstorm that also washed out the Rockies game. Five weeks of the sunniest, driest weather you could ask for, and the day we drive an hour and back down to Denver, it rains. So it's time for some griping. Ready, set...

Gripe!
Brett Favre, SHUT THE HELL UP!!! I've always liked Favre. He plays football the way I like to see it played. I think he's overrated (throws a lot of picks, wins games but how many really big ones?) but he's still great, a Hall of Famer. But about five years ago, he started watching too much ESPN, and started believing their spiel that he truly was one of the Five Pillars of America, along with Free Speech, Baseball, Big Trucks, and Apple Pie. Chris Berman once actually said, "Rooting for Brett Favre is like rooting for America!" Jesus, now I have to gripe about Chris Berman and ESPN, too.

At any rate, at this point Favre started this "should I retire, should I return" thing every summer, basically holding the Packers hostage until right before training camp because hey, I'm Brett Freakin' Favre. And you know what? They got tired of it, and I don't blame them. Last season, when he once again said he was thinking about retiring, the Packers said, "Well Brett, if you're gonna do it, do it now so we can get the ball rolling to get Rodgers in place." And to his credit, he did. That's not pressuring a guy to retire, that's asking a guy to give the NFL equivalent of two weeks' notice. Considering that the Packers are an organization that have given him tens of millions of dollars, proudly made him the face of their franchise, and given him the opportunity to become an all-time NFL legend, I don't think that's too much to ask of him.

Now, he's decided he wants to play again. Fine, we all make mistakes, and I'd like to see him back. The Packers took him at his word, though, and moved on. Also fine. The problem is that he signed a contract with the Pack which, after he un-retires, he must still honor. Contracts are pesky things, ain't they? But since Chris Berman says that Brett Favre's birthday should be a national holiday, Favre thinks that contracts are for chumps, and if the Packers don't want him as the starter he should be able to evoke his Legend Clause and play wherever he wants. So he starts bad-mouthing the Packers for doing nothing more than asking him to make a decision and then assuming he'd actually be a man about it and stick to it.

If there was a diaper big enough for Brett Favre, he'd have filled it, kicking and screaming, with stinky sticky baby poo a week ago. It's squidging up his back and down his legs at this point, but ESPN keeps plopping him in our laps. His attempts to spin this against the Packers are weak and transparent; everybody knows he's being a spoiled brat. Brett, the Jets are the perfect place for you... the NFL equivalent of Gilligan's Island: it looks nice on the brochure and it's an easy life, but you're surrounded by idiots, nobody's going anywhere, there's no hope, and few will remember. Perfect.

Gripe!
Rockies rotation: WHAT THE HELL? The Rockies were on a nice streak there, and are still playing well, but the patchwork rotation has shown its ugly side, robbing the Rox of some much-needed wins. Kip Wells? Ugh. De La Rosa? When he's good he's good, but when he's bad, he's awful. De Los Santos? We know why you haven't started in like five years. Even Cookie had a pretty bad game the other night, it must be contagious. Glendon Rusch? ...actually, you've been OK. But help is on the way! In the form of Jeff Francis and Livan Hernandez. A rotation of Cook, Jimenez, Francis, Hernandez, and Pitcher X is not too bad... assuming of course that Francis is last year's Francis and not this year's, and Livan does not succumb to the meltdown that has seemed to consume every Rockies scrapheap pitching acquisition this season.


That's it. Two gripes and I'm done. Even I'm surprised. I was going to gripe about Disneyworld a bit, but what's the use? No matter how boring it is or how much they charge or how long you have to wait just to ride Winnie The Pooh's Very Scary Adventure, people will still flock there every year ready to pay and pay and pay. The drinking water there tastes like they got it straight from the Jungle Cruise river, by the way, and that's no accident... they sell bottled water everywhere. But I won't let this turn into a full-fledged gripe; I'd probably get sued for it, anyway. Go Rockies!

Beard Shavings - July 27 2008

Greetings, dear readers! Today's Beard Shavings entry will be brief, as the Rockies are closing their series in Cincinnati today, and I wish to be there to do everything possible to ensure a victory. For those who may not have noticed, the Rockies are playing very well of late. Their offense has been a joy to watch, and their starting pitching has been excellent. I still expect at least one trade deadline move (either Fuentes or Taveras, and possibly Barmes), but the Rockies are far from being out of contention. If the remainder of this road trip goes as I expect it will, they will be in an enviable position... namely, a handful of games back in the sorry NL West.

However, today's focus is not on the Rockies and their recent string of exciting play. Today, on behalf of the entire baseball-loving galaxy, I wish to extend my congratulations to Mr Richard "Goose" Gossage, as he is enshrined in the Baseball Hall of Fame.

Gossage was the owner of one of baseball's all-time best fastballs. He retired fourth all-time in saves, and his 115 wins in relief ranks third all-time. Not only was Mr. Gossage one of the early prototypes of today's dedicated closer, he was also (along with fellow HOF reliever Rollie Fingers) a champion of truly outstanding facial hair.

His 310 career saves do not place him in the top 15 all-time saves today (which helped lead to a frustratingly long wait for his HoF induction), but his role was very different from today's one-inning closers. For example, 193 of Gossage's 310 saves required him to record at least four outs, compared to 98 for Mariano Rivera and 55 for Trevor Hoffman. Of those, Gossage recorded seven or more outs to save a game 52 times, while Hoffman has done this twice, and Rivera but once. The time it took for Gossage to be elected into the Hall of Fame (as well as the continued absence of Andre Dawson and, to a lesser extent, Jim Rice) demonstrates the flaws in the Hall of Fame election process, but his election offers hope that those flaws can be overcome.

So Beardly congratulations to you, Goose Gossage! A mustache and a baseball Hall of Famer.

The Beard Interviews: Babe Ruth

Today, YOTB has a special feature for our readers! The Beard has traveled into the infinite for an exclusive interview with Babe Ruth! We hope you enjoy this rare dialog with one of the universe's true legends.


The Beard: Good afternoon, Mr Ruth. Thank you so much for meeting me today.

Babe Ruth: Is it afternoon already, really? Jesus, it's easy to lose track of it up here, ya know? And for Christsake, Beard, call me Babe. We've known each other too long for this "Mr Ruth" baloney.

TB: Indeed, Babe. It is good to see you again. You look well.

BR: Thanks! You're looking pretty trim yaself! (Ruth laughs loudly)

TB: That is a good one, Babe. Let me start by ask--

BR: Hey, I heard a good one the other day! Two blondes are in a car driving through a parking lot. They pull up beside to more blondes sitting in a rowboat. Y'hear that, Beard!? A rowboat, right in the middle of the parking lot! So one of the blondes in the car leans out the window and yells, "Hey! The two of you are giving the rest of us a bad name!" And one of the ones in the boat goes, "Oh yeah? Well, if I could swim I'd come over there and kick your ass!!!" (Ruth laughs loudly).

TB: Ha ha, I hadn't heard that one, Babe. But let's talk about baseball for a moment.

BR: Oh sure, if there's one thing I like to talk about, it's broads! (Ruth laughs loudly) But I love talking baseball too, you know that, Beard! I'll talk about baseball 'til I lose my voice. Get it!?! (Ruth laughs loudly)

TB: Is that a throat cancer joke, Babe? Delightful. Let me ask you about Yankee Stadium. This week, it will host the All Star game in its final season, as it will soon be demolished and the Yankees will move into a new stadium right across the street. What are your thoughts on the Stadium, in its last weeks of its life?

BR: Well I tell ya, when that place opened there was nothing like it. Ya know, it was the first ballpark to be called a "stadium?" It was huge, at least three times the size of any ballpark I'd ever set foot in... made Fenway look like a dump. I loved that place, I tell ya. Loved it. Loved hitting there, loved the fans, all of it. But the place they play now ain't that place, and I won't miss it, not one bit. The park I played in disappeared in 1976 or whatever, when they redid the place. I checked it out once when I poked in there to see Reggie play, but I ain't never wanted to go again.

TB: So even though to this day, Yankee Stadium is still referred to as "The House that Ruth Built," you do not feel any special attachment to the current Stadium, is that right?

BR: Not one bit, Beard. Not one damn bit. They took that great old place and bricked up all the windows, put these space-age looking things up all around it. They took out the roof.. you remember the great roof it had? And they replaced it with lights all around. Ya kidding me?!? They took out all the beams that held the place up an' gave it character, and covered everything else up with these white panels. You look up from your seat and do you see steel and rivets, like you should in a real ballpark? No, ya see an endless white ceiling. Like I said, Beard, I've been there exactly once since they redid it, and it's like watching a ballgame from inside a big, white, goddamned bathroom. You know that's not even the same field I played on? They dug it all out, made the field lower so they could squeeze another couple rows of seats in there. Ah, to hell with it.

TB: So Babe, do you not even consider the current Yankee Stadium to be a classic old ballpark?

BR: Nah, not really. They say it's 80-somethin' years old, but it don't feel like it. It's where I played, sure, but it ain't the same place. That's why I never went back, ya see, after they redid it. I loved that place, it felt like home. But that new place never felt like that, never felt like the place all those games had taken place at. All this cryin' over Yankee Stadium, I don't get it... if you're upset at losing Yankee Stadium to history, you're about 30 years late! Now, tearing down Navin Field... aah, force of habit. Briggs Stadium? In Detroit? Whatever... that's the real shame, I tell ya. That's a great old ballpark they're tearing down over there, and it's a damn shame. It still feels like it did when I played there. I mean, a fan stepped into that park and he coulda been seeing the same thing his granddad did years before. Didya know, when I played my first game in the bigs, them Tigers'd been playing baseball right on that spot for twenty years already! I tell ya... seeing that one go down, it brings a tear to my eye. I'd haunt that place in a second if I had the chance, but there's regulations we've gotta follow for such things, ya see. Cobb's got dibs, and I've got no cause to wrangle with that sumbitch.

TB: As usual, Babe, your opinions are strong. Will you visit the new stadium when it opens?

BR: Yeah, I'm sure I'll get down there sooner or later. But you know what? I've got a lot better things to do than to haunt some ballpark I ain't never even set foot in. Despite what I just said, that ain't really my style... haunting, that is. That's kinda DiMaggio's deal, and I'm happy to leave him to it, that sentimental prick.

TB: I wasn't implying you had any desire to stay long-term, Babe... but you won't even go see if it compares to the stadium you loved so much?

BR: Well, I suppose I could pop on by there to check it out. It's not like I don't know how to find the place! (Ruth laughs loudly) I took a shit right where they're building it on, did you know that? We'd just finished a doubleheader and we were heading out on the town. I had just hailed a cab, but I tell ya Beard, I'd eaten like eleven weiners that day and man, did I have to leave one. I guess I just didn't feel like finding a can, so I hopped out and wandered over there -- it was just a little empty field, like a park -- and just crapped right behind a tree or something, and then ran back to the cab. (Ruth laughs loudly) But I doubt I'll rush out to see the new place, no. I've got plenty around here to keep me busy. Take Mantle, for instance. That guy's been wearing me right out! He's a tough one to keep up with, I tell ya. And you wouldn't believe the chicks that are up here, ya know!?

TB: Indeed. Well thank you, Babe, for this rare treat. All the best to you.

BR: Well I thank you, Beard. I sure do appreciate the opportunity to speak with all the baseball fans out there. The Babe loves ya, folks! You remember that.

TB: I'm sure they love you back, Babe. See you soon.

Beard Shavings - All Star Break Report Card

Greetings! It is I, The Beard, with another issue of my Beard Shavings thoughts and musings. This week being the All-Star Break and the unofficial halfway point for the baseball season, I shall use as an opportunity to share my views on the Rockies' play thus far. As a wise and eternal Beard, you may trust that my assessments are objective and unflinching, even in the face of such disappointment as the Rockies created for us. And so, I commence...

Colorado Rockies Mid-Season Report Card

Starting Pitching
Overall Grade: D+

Aaron Cook (11-6) gets a solid A grade for his excellent performance in the first half of the season. His eleven wins are third in the NL, and his two complete games is behind only Ben Sheets' three. His ERA stands at a very respectable (in Rockies terms) 3.57. Aaron Cook is not a staff ace type of pitcher, but he's clearly the best the Rockies have, and worthy of his All-Star nod.

Ubaldo Jimenez (4-9) had a bad start to the season, and on top of that has not had good run support from the Rockies offense. In his last eight starts, however, he has pitched pretty well... his record is 3-3, with the team 5-3 in those starts, and he has an ERA over that span of 3.04 with 41 strikeouts to 25 walks. Ubaldo merits a C+ grade at the halfway point, the only other starter with a passing mark.

The rest of the starting rotation has been inconsistent at best. Jeff Francis looked like a different guy and then went on the DL. Jorge De La Rosa has had a few very good performances mixed in with plenty of awful ones. Greg Reynolds showed flashes of promise but not nearly enough. Mark Redman hasn't helped himself at all other than one or two decent starts. Everybody other than Cook and Jimenez gets an F at the halfway point, with an incomplete grade for Kip Wells.

Bullpen
Overall Grade: D

Taylor Buchholz, please come to the front of the class for your gold star. Fuentes, Grilli, and Herges may be excused, but I'm watching you closely. Everybody else: approach for your paddling and your big, fat Fs. The Rockies have blown 16 saves and they have a save percentage of 54% (only three teams are worse). Corpas stank early and has been slow to return to form. Luis Vizcaino has been nothing short of a disaster... only in his last two appearances has he been anything close to what the Rockies paid for. Only the fact that the Rockies haven't really given the bullpen that many leads to blow hides how truly mediocre this bunch has been this season. Giving the ball to this bullpen has been like throwing an empty keg into a campfire... it's going to blow up and it's going to be messy, the only question is when.

Offense
Overall Grade: D+

Why such a low grade for the Rockies offense, you ask? They have plenty of guys who are hitting well, men like Barmes, Atkins, Spilborghs, and of course Holliday. They have the league leader in stolen bases in Taveras. But as a team, they are in the middle of the MLB pack on nearly every offensive stat: 17th in average, 19th in runs, 14th in hits, 17th in HRs, 18th in RBI, 14th in OBP, 16th in slugging %. When one considers that Coors Field inflates most offensive stats, you get an idea of just how bad the Rockies are hitting as a team.

How many times in the last month or so have they had the bases loaded, with one or none out, and failed to score even a single run? The Rox are batting .243 with runners in scoring position... only four teams are worse. Rockies fans should expect trouble from their pitching staff, but not from their offense, not like this. As a Beard who makes it his business to recognize and enhance greatness in humans, the lack of greatness from the Rockies' offense troubles me most of all.

Defense
Grade: A-

The Rockies are not lights-out defensively as they were last season, but they have been very good. Their team fielding percentage is top five in the majors. With the departure of Kaz and Tulowitzki missing many games so far, the middle of the infield hasn't been quite as solid as it was last year, but Quintanilla has been excellent, and Baker has been a pleasant surprise defensively. Garrett Atkins, always the Rockies' weak link with the glove, is playing admirably at 3B, and Helton remains one of the best defensive 1B in the game. Brad Hawpe continues to make up for his occasionally shaky fielding with his plus arm, while Holliday continues his evolution into a very good outfielder, the comparisons to Dante Bichette a seemingly distant memory.

Manager Clint Hurdle
Grade: F

There have been injuries to deal with. There were high expectations coming in based on the Rockies' success last year. Many young players that shone last season (Ubaldo, Morales, Tulo) have taken steps, if not leaps, backward. Some veteran players (Helton) have fallen apart before our eyes. But you know what? A manager's job is to work around things like this, and Clint Hurdle has failed to do so, in a big way. F-minus.

GM Dan O'Dowd
Grade: C-

None of O'Dowd's offseason moves have had a positive effect on the team. Josh Fogg left, replaced by retreads Mark Redman and Kip Wells. LaTroy Hawkins out, Luis Vizcaino in. Kaz Matsui and Jamey Carroll out, Jayson Nix in. Cory Sullivan does not make the team, Scott Podsednik did. The Beard does not question the decisions to not keep those players from last year's team, but from top to bottom, the players who were brought into fill those roster spots have been inadequate replacements. O'Dowd may be gearing up to start making some moves, likely starting with trading Fuentes after the break. If Holliday is moved, too - no matter what the Rockies get in return - O'Dowd's current grade could go into a freefall, so stay tuned.


TV Announcers
Grade: C

The regular FSN pair of George Frazier and Drew Goodman do a good job of keeping viewers informed about the opponent and the game while being excited yet honest about the Rockies. Goodman is a fine play-by-play man and the Rockies are lucky to have him. Frazier is chatty and, even for an analyst, seems to really enjoy the sound of his own voice. Although has great insights into pitching, he too often ignores other aspects in his zeal to talk about pitchers, or whatever else creeps into his head. When Frazier is out, Jeff Huson steps in and is a welcome change of pace in the analyst seat. Overall, the TV crew keeps the gimmicky stuff like guests in the booth and silly crowd interviews to a minimum (although one "behind the scenes" night a season is more than enough)... but if I have to hear Goodman and Frazier blather more time about putting mayonnaise on hot dogs, I might have to zip up to the booth and do something very un-Beardly to them both.

The Beard
Grade: C-

As an immortal and omniscient Beard from outer space, I have no fear in focusing my own powerful beams of evaluation squarely on my own efforts. My plan was to work with Ryan Spilborghs this season, to make him the most manly and greatest player he could be, and in that I believe I have been successful thus far. Few have seen Ryan and his beard and come away without a sense of awe. However, the intention was not for Ryan to awe his teammates but to inspire them... to act as a beacon of greatness, perhaps, which the rest of the Rockies team could follow. Sadly, I must admit that this part of the plan has failed. As excellently as Ryan has performed for the Rockies, the Rockies have largely failed to follow his lead, and for that I must give myself a substandard grade.

Ryan's recent decision to go clean-shaven was a bold message to his teammates, and I am proud of him for it. His baby face told them: it is not I who must be great, it is we who must be great. I will take Ryan's wisdom to heart in the second half of the year. I will double my efforts, as I now see the error of my ways. This group of players does not need to see the excellence in others as an example, they must see the excellence in themselves! So no longer will I concentrate solely on Ryan Spilborghs. Rather, I shall attempt to spread my Beardlyness throughout the team, in an effort to make every Rockie see the greatness that lies within each of them.

Spilly headed for DL

Do you believe in coincidence? I don't. Spilborghs, sporting the sweet beard, was enjoying a great season as the Rockies 4th outfielder and pinch hitter. But he shaves the beard, injures his oblique running bases and will likely be put on the DL today.

Don't mess with The Beard, Ryan. Get well soon.

This could be an interesting week...

So the Rockies have won two series in a row, Ubaldo just threw his third solid game in his last four starts, and the bullpen has failed to blow a lead in quite some time. They hit the road last night and hold off a Brewers team fresh off a sweep of the Pie-Rats, in a game that, if not for two defensive botches in the 8th inning, could easily have been a shutout. So if we're grading the Rockies, right now they're getting a thumbs up.

And of course, because it's the NL West we're talking about here, the Rox find themselves closer to the division lead than they are to a .500 record. So what happens next? Do they go on a tear on the road, and get to within 2-3 games out by the All-Star Break, or do they collapse back into their streaky bad habits and find themselves in the cellar? Does Helton return from his back injury? Go on the long-term DL? Contemplate retirement? Will Tulo get his head out of his butt in time to help this team? Do the Rockies go into selling mode and move Fuentes? And Holliday? Or do they shock some people and pay for a quality starter to take some of the pressure off Cookie?

Big questions, with answers to come. My predictions: yes; no; doubtful; probably; I hate to say it but hopefully; let's hope so; yes and probably very soon; no; don't hold your breath.


Til next time, Go Rockies!!

Brush with Coolness, Part II

Earlier this year, I wrote a bit about how I was in a beer line behind Jeff Francis, and totally showed him a thing or two on how to order a beverage with confidence. Well, once again I have given the Rockies and their fans an opportunity to brush against my considerable Coolness, just to give them an idea on how things should be done. Intrigued? Then by all means, my friends in coolness, read on...

So my brother and I are at Coors Field Saturday night, on Matt Holliday Bobblehead night. Not only did we get a cool Holliday bobblehead, but the Rockies were thoughtful enough to also accessorize it with little Angel and Yankee "Holliday 5" jerseys and matching helmets, just to make it easier to keep it up-to-date in the coming months. Anyway, top of the 6th, and Hanley Ramirez fouls it off right behind the plate. It goes way up, bounces off the 2nd deck down to about six rows above us, and that's when I snagged it, in very cool and manly fashion! I was even able to make a sweet adjustment at the last second, as I lost it in the lights right as it came to me. So, hooray for me! I would TOTALLY win those Frontier flyball tickets if they just gave me the chance!

And then, a couple pitches later, some guy a couple sections over catches one... with a baseball glove!!! What kind of self-respecting adult brings a baseball glove to a ballgame? Folks, if you're over 12 years old, leave the glove at home... seriously. You just look like a dweeb, not nearly as cool as somebody who catches it with their bare hand, like me. And if your height and reach allowed you to grab the ball right from over some little kid's outstretched hands, do the cool thing and give the ball to him or her as soon as the mock cheering for your "accomplishment" has faded.

These moments of awesomeness always come in three's, so I'll keep you posted on the next one.

Optimism.... Returning..... Must Resist....

It is foolish, really, to get too excited about a little four-game winning streak, particularly when two of those wins were against the worst team in the entire major leagues. And when one recalls that this modest little streak was preceded by an eight-game losing streak that included some of the least inspired baseball the Rockies have displayed in quite some time, it really puts this into the proper perspective. It's just a four-game streak, the pitching is still in disarray and the bats remain far too streaky to convince me that this, finally, is the win streak that will get the Rockies back on track.

Yet, there is excitement among the purple-clad patrons, and for a good reason. Not because the Rockies had their largest-ever comeback victory last night, in one of the most thrilling and implausible games you'll ever see. Not because the home runs were flying out of the park last night, with Holliday knocking a grand slam to pull the Rockies back to within one run in the late innings, and Spilborghs and Ianetta each hitting Galarraga-esque shots completely over the pavilion in left field and onto the concourse.

The excitement is that the Rockies are suddenly playing a lot like they did last year, when the scoreboard didn't phase them and there was no game they could not win. Last year, when instead of our pitching letting down when the hits came, the hits came when the pitching needed them. Last year, when they knew that if one guy failed, the next guy would get the job done. Last year, that confidence drove them all the way to the Series in one of the most thrilling and implausible runs baseball has ever seen.

That confidence was beat out of them in the Series, and has not really reappeared this year, until these last four games. And the team is feeding off that confidence. Their dugout is full of open faces rather than slumped shoulders, high fives rather than pats on the back. It's only four games, of course, but these four games have had a different, yet familiar look to them. Haven't they?

Injuries galore!!!

So, Willy T is out for a while with a hurt quad. Jeff Francis has a "tired arm" and he's on the DL. And today, the Rockies announce that Helton has had his back flare up and might be out for a while.

I hate to be happy when guys are hurting, but none of these three has done much to help the Rockies this season. Taveras hasn't been getting on base nearly enough, Francis hasn't looked like himself at all, and Helton just looks old. I think getting all three of these guys out of the lineup until they are ready to produce is a good thing.

Mark Redman is up for Francis, Baker will likely get all of Helton's starts (meaning more starts for Q and Barmes at 2B), and it appears that Spilborghs will be the man in center field and at the top of the order. All of this are baby steps in the right direction, if you ask me. And by reading this blog, you accept the responsibility of listening to my answers whether you asked for them or not!

Now, on to the big question surrounding the Rockies... who gets The Beard? I have it on good authority that even though Spilly is currently sporting the clean-shaven look, The Beard has not abandoned either him or the Rockies. The Beard knows that he'd become a distraction, so he'll be channeling his greatness from behind the scenes for a while. We must not question the wisdom of The Beard!

Til next time, go Rockies!!

Rox Bottom

Enough! I realize this blog has been nothing if not optimistic, but I've had enough of this pitiful, heartless Rockies team. How do you have a sixth-inning, five-run lead against one of the worst offensive teams in either league, and lose the game 15-8?!?

The entire bullpen (with the exception of Buchholz) is a mess, nobody can be counted on to get an out. The rotation is hanging on by their fingernails. Hurdle needs to manage the All-Star team in a Rockies uniform, and then get the boot. Thanks Clint, but you clearly don't have what it takes to manage a team expected to contend. Hurdle keeps putting the bat in Willy Taveras' hands, and Willy keeps disappointing. He continues to platoon Torrealba and Ianetta, when Chris has been more productive even with fewer at-bats. And he keeps giving the damn ball to Fuentes. Get rid of 'em all. These guys are an embarrassment to themselves. We know they're better than this, we've seen it.

And finally, after years of defending him as his stats decline, I'm finally ready to start giving Todd Helton his share of grief. He's cost himself a shot at Cooperstown with a steady plunge to mediocrity the last four seasons... everybody knows he's lost all his power, but his overall hitting has fallen off drastically, too, and it's especially obvious this season. He's striking out a ton. He's not hitting any line drives at all. He has 29 RBI halfway through the season, which places him 29th among MLB first basemen. Some of that's because nobody hitting ahead of him can get on base, but still, 29th? There's only 30 teams, Todd. Even doubles, which even after he stopped hitting homers were still showing us he could hit the ball hard, have dried up; he's barely on pace to hit 30 this season. Todd Helton is killing us at the plate, and his contract is killing any hopes of retaining Holliday. If Helton's the leader of this team, we can see why they're playing the way they are. Come on, Todd... nobody expects you to hit 40 HRs and 140RBI anymore, but either show some pride out there, or hang them up.

Sigh. In happier news, Spilborghs has continued the evolution of The Beard, and after a week or so of growing it out, has again trimmed it back to the very-spiffy Three Musketeers look! Spilly continues to be a bright spot in a dull season, as one of the most productive pinch-hitters in the league. And after the Rockies in their infinite wisdom trade away their best player, Matt Holliday, Spil will likely be a starting outfielder.

Worse Than The Rockies!

Hello! With the Rockies in the midst of another losing skid (swept by the Royals, yay!!), I think it's a good time to fulfill my threat for another Worse Than the Rockies Movie Review! Yes, there are things on TV that will make you cringe even more than when you see Willy Taveras striding to the plate with the tying run at third, or when any Rockies reliever approaches the mound immediately after the Rox just scored three runs to get right back in the game.

Worse Than the Rockies: Evan Almighty

Evan Almighty is the touching story of how a guy who was not famous had some funny scenes in a movie, and in true Hollywood fashion, when it was time to make a sequel, he was famous, and so they made him the star of the sequel!

No, wait. That's not the story, at all. But Evan Almighty is the sequel to Bruce Almighty, a huge hit that managed to pull off the tricky combination of dealing with religious topics and being reasonably funny. But since Jim Carrey, the star of Bruce Almighty, declined to take part in the sequel, they decided to take Steve Carell's bit part from that film (Evan, the obnoxious news guy who starts speaking in tongues on-air) and make him the star of the sequel. Ideas like this, folks, are what makes Hollywood the special, incredible place it is!!

Evan Baxter, once a snivelling jerk who undermined his colleague to gain his job as a news-anchor, has -- through the magic of one of Hollywood's finest special effects departments -- become Evan Baxter, a really nice, sweet family man who has just been elected to the US Congress. Evan really wants to make a difference! However, he clearly does not give a shit about the environment (the bastard!) because he hates animals, drives a Hummer, and selects kitchen cabinets for their appearance rather than considering the poor, nearly extinct trees they were made from. In the first ten minutes of the film, he is shown to his nice, big office; meets a Congressman played by John Goodman who seems really, really nice; and moves into his nice, big new house with a huge vacant lot right next door and a great view of the brand-spanking new dam only a few miles away. So things are really rocking for Evan.

Then, funny things start to happen. Not ha-ha funny, mind you, but we'll get to that later. Funny as in odd, out of the ordinary, unexpected... except if you have even half a brain in your head and you've seen one ad for this film, you have already figured out the ending and you've probably imagined 85% of the scenes leading up to it with startling accuracy. But as I was saying, odd things start to happen: Evan sees the letters GEN and the numbers 6 and 14 everywhere, like on his alarm clock and his new license plates. Digital animals seem to follow Evan wherever he goes. Piles of wood and old-looking tools start showing up at his home, and he didn't even order them! He finds that, just like Homer Simpson, his beard grows so quickly that he can't shave it off. Evan looks up Genesis 6:14 in the Bible, and sees that it's the passage where God tells Noah to build an ark. And just in case that didn't convince Evan to build an Ark, God shows up and tells Evan to build an ark, because a flood is coming. A flood of laughs!!!

God is once again played by Morgan Freeman, who is one of a handful of actors you could approach and say "just act sort of, you know, Godish" and he could pull it off. Assuming here that you picture God as a somewhat smarmy know-it-all with a fondness for awful puns (his nametag reads "Al Mighty") who avoids answering every question by asking another question. Of course, Evan listens to a guy like Morgan Freeman, and starts building an ark in the big vacant lot across from his home. His three sons, who have felt neglected by Evan as he struggled with his first weeks in Congress, are excited to spend time with their dad, even if he is going insane.

Evan tries to juggle his ark building with his job as a Congressman, but he soon gets suspended from Congress right as he's about to co-sponsor John Goodman's rape-nature bill. Even though Evan shows up for work in a suit, he blinks and he's suddenly standing in the middle of Congress wearing some sort of Bible clothes and surrounded by animals. Naturally, finding himself wearing Bible clothes causes Evan to just go ahead and tell everybody that God told him to build an ark because a flood is coming on such-and-such a date. Rather than being dumbfounded that a guy can instantly change his clothes on live TV and in full view of 300 people and then attract hundreds of wild animals into the US Capitol building, John Goodman suspends Evan from Congress for the dual infractions of mentioning God and having un-Congressmanly grooming habits. And then his wife takes the kids and leaves. So things are really sucking for Evan.

But even after losing his sanity, his family, his job, and his baby-bottom-smooth face, he's still much better off than the poor folks who suffered through this litter-box of ideas posing as a movie. Evan Almighty must be the least funny comedy of all time. I watched this entire movie and did not laugh once. Not even a chuckle. This film is about as funny as an exploding truck full of dirty diapers. Actually, that's a helluva lot funnier than this film, mainly because I'm imagining cars hitting big piles of unexpected diapers in the road and skidding everywhere in slow motion. That scene will probably be in the next Michael Bay flick, but I digress.

This movie thinks that an extreme close-up of a guy shaving his nostrils is funny. This movie thinks that animals crapping everywhere is funny. This movie thinks that growing a beard at an incredible rate and then hiding it from everybody behind various items is funny. This movie thinks that about 20 scenes of Evan freaking out as he notices yet another bunch of animals mysteriously attracted to him is funny. This movie thinks that lions and gazelles working together to build things is funny. This movie thinks that Wanda Sykes is funny. Oh my lord, is this an unfunny movie.

There are those movies that are so bad that they are actually immensely watchable. Battlefield Earth, for instance: a classic example of a movie that did absolutely everything either a) wrong or b) just plain stupid, yet somehow, in its failure lies great entertainment value. This, I am sorry to report, is NOT the case with Evan Almighty. This is a film that shows just how stupid Hollywood thinks its audience really is; it is insultingly bad. Getting back to the story for an example, early in the film, Evan is reading about Noah, and he learns that Noah, his wife, and his three sons built the ark together. The film obviously wants us to realize at this moment, "WOW! Noah had a wife and three sons, and so does Evan!!!" and to just be blown away. Who's actually going to fall for that? Anyone? Seriously, how was this film in theaters for more than about half a day?

The film continues in this predictable, stupid fashion to its predictable, stupid conclusion. The family returns and helps Evan build the ark. Digital animals help too! Fat and ugly people gather to make fun of Evan, but he responds with patience and wisdom now that his beard's all white. The day of the flood arrives, and after a false start or two, there's a flood right as the timer reaches 0:00, and Evan and his ark save all the people who were mean to him. The ark then travels through the streets of Washington DC and stops right at John Goodman's feet, where Evan steps from the front of the ark and announces "This time, it's personal!" and blows John Goodman away with a shotgun from under his Bible robe. There is a parade and Queen Amidala gives Evan a glowing orb, and he holds it above his head and all the digital animals cheer under a pretty rainbow.

OK, clearly I made some of that up... but not nearly as much as you might think. This butt of a film is easily Worse Than the Rockies. It gets a score of 3.5 Dingers out of 4. Its only redeeming quality was that it was mercifully short, clocking in at a brisk 90 minutes, which leaves you plenty of time to flip back to the Rockies game in time to catch Helton popping up weakly to shallow left field. Another 15 minutes, though, and it would have been eligible for the perfectly awful 4 Dinger score.

Until next time, Go Rockies!!!

Ask the Beard

Hello readers, and welcome to another edition of Ask the Beard! Each month, Ryan Spilborghs' Beard will answer your questions, on topics ranging from the mundane, to discussions of baseball and the nature of the universe. Get your questions in, and perhaps The Beard will answer yours! Only two topics are off limits: The Beard will not respond to questions about either the afterlife or Chuck Norris.

And now, on to this month's questions!

Hey Beard- So, obviously the Rockies are not very good. Like, the worst team in the majors. I thought you predicted greatness and all that this year? The Rockies aren't great, so who sucks, them or you? J. Blues, Chicago

Great question J, and thank you. I am the first to admit that the Rockies' win-loss record is not great, nor has been their play on the field on many nights. Other than Aaron Cook and Taylor Buchholz, there have been no beard-worthy pitchers. And as far as situational hitting is concerned, the Rockies don't have any hair on their backsides, to say nothing of hair on their chins. I do apologize to the Rockies Faithful who believed that I would lead the team to greatness this season. But as the saying goes, you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink. Or hit, apparently. Ryan and I have been doing our best, and I think you'll agree that Ryan has had an excellent season so far. However, Ryan Spilborghs is the only player that my beardness can actually help to achieve greatness... others must simply follow our lead, and they have not done so. I think maybe you should talk to Hurdle instead. THE BEARD HAS SPOKEN!

Hey Beard! I'm at a blackjack table at the Venetian in Vegas and I have a soft thirteen, the dealer has a five showing! What should I do? - C. Barkley, Las Vegas

Hello C, thank you for your question. This is a perfect spot for you to double down. With either 5 or 6 showing, the dealer will bust about 42% of the time. which is the best odds you'll see. And since you cannot bust by taking just one card, in the event that the dealer does not bust out, nearly a third of the cards in the deck would give you a hand of 18 or better. So take this opportunity to double your bet and gain a brief advantage over the house. And when you're done at the tables, The Beard recommends you grab dinner at the Grand Lux Cafe. Good luck! THE BEARD HAS SPOKEN!

Dear Ryan Spilborghs' Beard,
Hello! At the beginning of the year, you were a big, manly beard all over Spilborghs' face. I couldn't take my eyes off of him... or you. But then, you started all this changing of styles and now you're just a little pointy soul patch. The full beard was mesmerizing and powerful. Now Ryan looks like the guy behind counter at Starbucks. What do you call those guys? They have a big fancy name for themselves to make it sound like they've got a degree or something, but all they do is pour coffee. G. Paltrow, Los Angeles

Hello G, and thank you for your question. The shape and style of Ryan's facial hair is a topic about which he and I have had many discussions. As an Eternal Beard who has roamed space and time, I feel that I do have a certain level of expertise in this arena, and I have long felt that the full beard is the best choice for those who want to truly exude power and greatness. If one has the ability to connect all the parts of one's face with a path of coarse, manly hair, one has the ability to do anything... and everybody who sees you will know it!

A word of warning to the readers, however: the full beard is not for everyone. Like anything exceedingly powerful -- be it a Rottweiler, He-Man's sword, nuclear weaponry, or a Big Gulp filled with a 50-50 mix of Kool-aid and Everclear -- the full beard can be disastrous, if not deadly, when the young, the inexperienced, or the timid attempt to wield it.

Getting back on track, though, Ryan and I certainly worked well together in that configuration, but after a while he requested we alter the look. Why? Two words: the ladies.

You really must be immortal to gain a decent understanding of women; yet given enough time to study them, even a human male can learn a great deal about how women think. One thing I would tell you males is this: ladies love the Big Beard. Women love the full beard, because women love great and powerful men, and that's what the full beard is all about! Although you seem to understand this important point, G, the initial reaction from the ladies to the beard is many times a fearful one... it often takes a great deal of time for most women to realize that the beard is not a threat to them and will not harm them. Time is one thing I have plenty of; human males, on the other hand, have a somewhat shorter attention span. When they walk into a bar filled with attractive women, they want instant results. Although entering a board room or striding up to the plate with a full beard gains those instant results from one's peers, the same beard forces its owner to adopt a more long-term plan with the ladies, and long-term plans don't always fit into the plan, if you know what I mean.

So Ryan and I cycled through a number of compromises. I personally liked the Musketeer that we had going for a while, but Ryan has decided on the Royale (the "soul patch," as you called it). As a wise and supreme Beard, I have no ego to bruise, and if Ryan feels more comfortable in social situations without the full beard, then it is my wish to do whatever supports him best. Rest assured, it does not affect my ability to channel greatness unto him on the baseball diamond... it actually makes it easier to concentrate and focus my power.

Oh, and G, the person that pours your coffee is called a "barista." It sounds important and flashy, but it's just the Italian word for "bartender," so don't get all intimidated. THE BEARD HAS SPOKEN!


Hello Beard. We recently moved our couch to the other side of the room, and it left these big dents in the carpet. It's really mashed down since my husband is overweight and we haven't move our couch for like twenty years. Is there a way to get the carpet to stand back up straight again? Thanks! - M Simpson, Springfield

Hello M, great question. Put an ice cube on the carpet, right in the center of each dent. By the time it melts, you will have wet carpet but it will be standing up nice and straight. THE BEARD HAS SPOKEN!





Hey Beard! Rockies question for ya. Who in the Rockies lineup needs to go? Will they be trading away a bunch of people soon? - J Nix, Colorado Springs

Thank you for your question J. The Rockies roster will definitely look quite a bit different at the end of this season, unless they suddenly go on a 20-game win streak and make themselves relevant again. As the beacon of greatness and optimism, I remind you all that this is still a possibility! But look for Garrett Atkins, Brad Hawpe, and Brian Fuentes to be traded this season, possibly very soon. Moving Holliday is a distinct possibility, because even though he has another full year under contract to the Rockies, that makes him much more attractive to trade partners. Finally, the guy they really should unload as soon as possible is Willy Taveras. The only thing he brings to the team -- speed on the basepaths -- requires him to first get on base. Which he cannot do.

Oh, and look for Hurdle to be fired soon after the All-Star Game (unless, of course, the above-mentioned return to relevance occurs promptly). They can't really fire the guy who's scheduled to manage the All-Star team, but for whatever traction he had building a young, overachieving team with lots to prove, he clearly has none with a team expected to contend. THE BEARD HAS SPOKEN!


Well, that's all for this months' column! Go Rockies!!!

Top of the Rotation

So the top of the rotation did their part to snap the Rockies out of a classic losing streak, the Rox taking two of three from the Trolley Dodgers to end their worst road trip since last season's worst road trip. Cookie was superb last night (not a surprise, he's currently 2nd in the league in wins) and Francis was great on Tuesday in the Rockies' first shutout of the year (much more of a surprise, but long overdue).

With Holliday and Hawpe both close to returning from their stints on the DL, we can only hope that things will start looking up for the Rockies. With 13 of the next 16 games at Coors Field, a nice long win streak could get them right back into the once-again mediocre-at-best NL West. See what winning just two games in a row brings? It's called optimism, and it's a baseball fan's best friend. Thanks, optimism! I appreciate it!

Yay!!!

I feel like I ran a marathon after those last two games. The Pens played a good series, I hope the Penguins coach took everybody out for ice cream after the game.

Worse Than the Rockies!

Hello readers. It's been a while since the last post on Year of the Beard; like the Rockies, I took most of May off. This was partially due to having things to tie up at work, partially due to the NHL playoffs, partially due to getting settled into a summer routine (not a routine, really, just a rotation of food, beer, swimming pool, and Xbox), but primarily due to the overwhelming blah-ishness I've felt for the Rockies. They were playing bad baseball, then everybody got hurt. Not much more to say about it than that.

At any rate, it occurred to me that as painful as it can be to watch a Rockies game lately, it can't possibly be the worst way to spend a couple hours, can it? The answer is no, it can't... not by a long shot. There are many dumber things to watch, and with that in mind, I present the first issue of "Worse Than the Rockies" Movie Reviews!!!

Worse Than the Rockies: CAT PEOPLE

The first film on the list is an erotic horror film from the early 80s called Cat People. This was a silly film with some truly disturbing images... most of these images, however, involve Malcom McDowell completely naked and/or attempting to have sex with his sister. Oh, and a lot of big cats growling and staring in slow motion. Yes, things that involve no motion may still be filmed in slow motion, and yes, it's boring. Don't believe me? Then watch this film... it will act as both proof it can happen, and as punishment for not trusting me.

Irina is a sexy young girl who arrives in New Orleans to live with her long-lost brother Paul, who is clearly a creep from the very first scene, and clearly horny for his sister by the second. That night, a hooker finds disgusting goo on the bed and promptly gets mauled by a panther, and the next day a Handsome Zoo Keeper is called in to capture the panther. (The best terrible scene early in the movie: the hooker is in a panic, crawling down the stairs to escape the panther under her bed. She tumbles down the last few steps, turns around, and sees her mangled and bloody leg. She screams in horror, and just at this most awful moment... her bra pops open, complete with a little "poink!" sound effect.)

The HZK puts this dangerous panther in the zoo, where it roars a lot. Irina, still sexy but with her brother mysteriously missing, wanders around New Orleans without a bra until she just happens to reach the zoo, where she stands before the panther cage, sketching the thing for hours and hours until the HZK chases her away for some reason. Naturally, they fall in love, but not before the panther rips Ed Begley Jr's arm off and the blood splooshes into the drain in slow motion. In the very next scene, the panther is mysteriously missing, some disgusting goo at the bottom of the cage the only clue to its disappearance.

Irina's brother Paul mysteriously reappears and cuts right to the chase, explaining that he needs to have sex with her. This suggestion creeps her out and she runs away, making an unexpectedly athletic leap off a balcony. A cop finds her running away from the house with her clothes half-ripped off, screaming like a banshee. The cop takes her back to the house where, in a awkward scene, a second cop with a police dog just happens to stroll by and the dog starts barking wildly. Despite the fact that the plot had already given the cop a perfectly good excuse to check out the house, he was about to simply drop Irina off at the same door she'd just been running from, but he decides that the dog might be onto something and they should maybe look around inside the house a bit after all. In the basement, the cops find (duhn duhn duuhnnnn...) a panther cage filled with hooker bones.

"So Paul must be a maniac who raises killer panthers and kidnaps hookers for panther food!!!" the movie suggests, and the characters nod their heads and shuffle off to follow that notion, but the discerning viewer knows better. Maybe if they hadn't named the film Cat People, I'd have been even a little surprised the first time a person turned into a cat. But this entire movie is like a conversation with a kid who thinks he's really, really tricking you good, but he keeps it going for so much longer than necessary that you end up far more irritated than amused.

To make a stupid story short, the rest of the movie involves Irina discovering that she has the soul of a panther, or something, inside her just as her brother does, because their ancestors slept with panthers. Or something. As it turns out, if you're a cat person, when you get horny you turn into a panther, and when you kill somebody, you turn back into a horrible person with a terrible haircut. If you have sex with a sibling, however, the curse is lifted. Why? Who the hell knows, but I guess there has to be something creepy in this movie, and that's as close as it gets. Naturally, Irina does not believe such nonsense, until one night at the HZK's romantic swamp hideaway, she gets up for a midnight snack, walks around naked in the moonlight for a while, and then eats a fuzzy little rabbit she spots with her catvision.

The final act of the movie is a truly bizarre mix of gratuitous nudity, a blatantly unnecessary panther autopsy (complete with more disgusting goo and The Thing-style grossout effects), kinky bondage, the death of a character awkwardly introduced earlier for no other reason than to be killed later in the film, weird otherworldly vision/dream imagery, basic cheese-movie dialogue ("Every time it happens... you tell yourself it's love. But it isn't. It's blood. And death."), and plenty of extra nudity. They really should have just called it Nude People. One nude scene in particular stands out: Irina is standing behind a window and takes off her clothes. Her face, chest, and arms are visible behind the panes of glass, but the window is wide open at the bottom, which I took as the movie's way of screaming, "Check it out, man! It's bush!!!! See, right there through the open window?! Yeah, man! Yeah!!! High Five!!" Thanks for nothing, movie. I suppose when Nastassia Kinski was a huge sex symbol, a glimpse of her short & curlys may have been a worthwhile payoff for a bunch of 15-year old boys to sit through this turd, but by this point I was so annoyed at this movie for wasting my time that I just kind of started laughing at it.

The movie ends with a new panther captured at the zoo, and the HZK feeding her meat right out of his hand. She doesn't eat him or bite him because she loves him, because it's Irina!!! She just sits there in the cage as David Bowie sings the Cat People theme song. The movie freeze-frames on the panther as it stares at the camera long enough to make you very uncomfortable, and then after what seems like at least 90 seconds of this, the cat growls and shows its teeth, and they freeze on that for another couple minutes as Bowie continues to wail and the credits roll. Thank god.

Cat People earns a Worse Than the Rockies score of 3.0 Dingers. Only Kinski, some nice images of New Orleans, and a brief scene featuring Annette O'Toole swimming was able to save it from a perfect 4-Dinger score.


The next film I will review will be Evan Almighty with Steve Carell. The topic of discussion will be: if you don't laugh once through an entire movie, is it really a comedy? Till next time, Go Rockies!!!

Beard Shavings - May 5

Greetings, faithful readers! It is I, the Beard. My apologies for my absence last week. The Rockies suffered in my absence as well, but fear not! I have returned and will not be away for such a stretch in the future.

As I wandered the cosmos, I reflected upon some of the wisdom I gave to a certain playwright, centuries of your Earth-years ago. As I passed through the Crab Nebulae, the words "It is not in the stars to hold our destiny, but in ourselves" came into my Beardly mind, and I smiled a Beardly smile. As the Rockies suffer the slings and arrows of quadricep injuries and bullpen meltdowns, keep these words in mind, my friends! The Rockies hold their destinies in their own hands.

Certainly, the news that Troy Tulowitzki had a serious injury reached me even as I rounded Neptune and headed back for Earth. The universe is very keen on Tulo, you see. And in truth, Rockies fans throughout the galaxy expressed concern that his injury would doom this young season... but as part of my role as Ryan Spilborghs' beard, I spread the calm and reason that such times require, and here in this week's Beard Shavings, I shall continue to do so.

Remember, Rockies Faithful, that Clint Barmes is there as the back up for Tulo. Barmes is a fine defensive shortstop, and has hit the ball fairly well this season as well. And Quintanilla and Herrera will surprise many with their play... fear not! The loss of Tulowitzki is a great burden on this team, but as great teams do, the Rockies shall overcome.

In honor of the above quote which inspired me to reassure you all, Ryan and I have decided on a change of beard style. I will now appear to you in the form of a sort-of Shakespearean Beard, still on Ryan's face, of course. This minor alteration will allow me to distribute a bit of extra Beard Power to other areas of the team which may be lacking... such as the bullpen and 4/5 of the rotation. I am not affiliated in any way with Aaron Cook's beard, by the way, although he's pitched so well that I can't say that I'd blame you for thinking I was involved. But credit where it is due: Cook has definitely had a beard-worthy season so far.

Until next week, I wish both the bearded and the beardless good fortune!

Beard Shavings - April 27, 2008

Due to an unexpected and extended trip to Neptune, Ryan Spilborghs' Beard was unable to submit its column today. Beard Shavings will return next Sunday. Today's column is written by a Cat in a Cute Little Duck Costume.

Hello. I realize that you probably don't see too many cats writing baseball columns, but then again, how many have you seen wearing a cute little duck costume? Probably not many, I'd guess. Most cats have too much dignity to be seen in public wearing something like that, but not everybody's lucky enough to be in a situation they are comfortable with. So let's just get on with it, shall we?

The big news this week is that the Rockies changed closers. Manny Corpas is out, and Brian Fuentes is back in as the closer. Which is good, I guess. The bullpen lost four games in a row last week: four games they were leading in the eighth inning, mind you. Must suck to be them, but honestly, it could be worse. They could be dressed up in some stupid costume that they hate.

Let's be honest: baseball uniforms are not the most stylish clothing out there. Every once in a while you'll see a guy who doesn't look too bad in them, but they aren't really designed to flatter the less-than-sculpted individual. Get a guy like David Wells or Tony Gwynn into Men's Warehouse, and they'll set him up with a suit that will make him look like he isn't a fat tub of lard. But put the same guys in a baseball uni, and it's just a nightmare of gooshing flab; every button, seam, and belt straining against a shifting, fleshy load that far exceeds the burden they were designed to bear. It's certainly no fun to watch in High Definition, but beyond that, it's just flat-out undignified... but as I said, it could be worse.

So I'm just lying there in the sun one day, and she walks up with this little yellow thing. I couldn't tell what it was at first, but it's almost always a baby animal. It was a frog for about two months last fall. I don't even know where she gets them.. does she actually make them herself, or is there a store that sells this crap? If there is, I certainly don't need to see it... it's already the setting for all my nightmares, and I'm not kidding.

Why doesn't she just go have a baby and dress it up like an idiot for a while? But no, she needs "a foundation for her career first." Yeah, right. Something tells me it would probably take less time to build a foundation for her career than to build a foundation to support her big fat butt, but that couldn't be the reason she hasn't had a date in three years, can it? She's only 25, and... news flash! Guys her age just aren't that desperate yet. So my guess is that we've got another ten years of this... and so who ends up paying for it by getting dressed up like a tard every day of the week? You guessed it.

In other Rockies news, there were more shake-ups on the roster. Jayson Nix got sent to the minors this week, pretty much giving the starting second base job to Clint Barmes. I'm glad to see that, honestly. Barmes has been a devoted team player who's languished in the background for a few seasons now, and he deserves another chance. Remember when he hit the homer to win on Opening Day? He was on his way to the Rookie of the Year when he fell down the stairs and was out for much of the summer. He comes back, hits a little slump, and what do you know? Tulo the Golden Boy takes his spot, and Barmes is the forgotten man. But Barmes didn't hide, didn't pout. He just kept his head up, and I admire that.

I admit, for a while I stayed out of sight. There are plenty of cats in this neighborhood (dogs too, I'm sorry to say, but what are you gonna do?), and I didn't want to be seen wearing a cute little duck costume. It's just embarrassing, you know? A little baby duck... Christ. I should be eating those damn things, but instead I'm dressed as one. But you know what? I realized I couldn't hide behind the washing machine the rest of my life. So one day, I collected all the courage I could find, and went right upstairs and lay in the front window sill. Right there in the sun, in full view. It wasn't long before the word was out, but I stuck to my guns. There were some lookie-loos, sure, but I just pretended to be napping. And now, I hardly notice the thing! Ha ha! Whatever doesn't kill me makes me stronger! That's my motto.

Finally, we have a mix-up in the batting order. Helton's hitting second, Holliday third, Tulo's down to sixth. But really, what does it matter? Everybody's going to laugh at them anyway, no matter how hard they try. Goddamnit, if I still had claws I'd show her a thing or two. That new couch she is so proud of? She'd head out to that martini bar of hers one night, and by the time she got back... shred city, baby!!! And she's got a bad habit of leaving her underwear drawer open when she leaves in the morning... the possibilities there would be endless, if I could only grab them. Poop wouldn't be the only thing she'd be pulling out of my litter box, I can promise you that! I've been working on using both paws together to pick them up, but I've run into some problems. But I will keep trying, just like the Rockies, and there will come a day when I'll show her a thing or two about who's cute and who's as FIERCE as they come! Yeah man!!!

Thanks for reading,
--Cat in a Cute Little Duck Costume