Due to an unexpected and extended trip to Neptune, Ryan Spilborghs' Beard was unable to submit its column today. Beard Shavings will return next Sunday. Today's column is written by a Cat in a Cute Little Duck Costume.
Hello. I realize that you probably don't see too many cats writing baseball columns, but then again, how many have you seen wearing a cute little duck costume? Probably not many, I'd guess. Most cats have too much dignity to be seen in public wearing something like that, but not everybody's lucky enough to be in a situation they are comfortable with. So let's just get on with it, shall we?
The big news this week is that the Rockies changed closers. Manny Corpas is out, and Brian Fuentes is back in as the closer. Which is good, I guess. The bullpen lost four games in a row last week: four games they were leading in the eighth inning, mind you. Must suck to be them, but honestly, it could be worse. They could be dressed up in some stupid costume that they hate.
Let's be honest: baseball uniforms are not the most stylish clothing out there. Every once in a while you'll see a guy who doesn't look too bad in them, but they aren't really designed to flatter the less-than-sculpted individual. Get a guy like David Wells or Tony Gwynn into Men's Warehouse, and they'll set him up with a suit that will make him look like he isn't a fat tub of lard. But put the same guys in a baseball uni, and it's just a nightmare of gooshing flab; every button, seam, and belt straining against a shifting, fleshy load that far exceeds the burden they were designed to bear. It's certainly no fun to watch in High Definition, but beyond that, it's just flat-out undignified... but as I said, it could be worse.So I'm just lying there in the sun one day, and she walks up with this little yellow thing. I couldn't tell what it was at first, but it's almost always a baby animal. It was a frog for about two months last fall. I don't even know where she gets them.. does she actually make them herself, or is there a store that sells this crap? If there is, I certainly don't need to see it... it's already the setting for all my nightmares, and I'm not kidding.
Why doesn't she just go have a baby and dress it up like an idiot for a while? But no, she needs "a foundation for her career first." Yeah, right. Something tells me it would probably take less time to build a foundation for her career than to build a foundation to support her big fat butt, but that couldn't be the reason she hasn't had a date in three years, can it? She's only 25, and... news flash! Guys her age just aren't that desperate yet. So my guess is that we've got another ten years of this... and so who ends up paying for it by getting dressed up like a tard every day of the week? You guessed it.In other Rockies news, there were more shake-ups on the roster. Jayson Nix got sent to the minors this week, pretty much giving the starting second base job to Clint Barmes. I'm glad to see that, honestly. Barmes has been a devoted team player who's languished in the background for a few seasons now, and he deserves another chance. Remember when he hit the homer to win on Opening Day? He was on his way to the Rookie of the Year when he fell down the stairs and was out for much of the summer. He comes back, hits a little slump, and what do you know? Tulo the Golden Boy takes his spot, and Barmes is the forgotten man. But Barmes didn't hide, didn't pout. He just kept his head up, and I admire that.
I admit, for a while I stayed out of sight. There are plenty of cats in this neighborhood (dogs too, I'm sorry to say, but what are you gonna do?), and I didn't want to be seen wearing a cute little duck costume. It's just embarrassing, you know? A little baby duck... Christ. I should be eating those damn things, but instead I'm dressed as one. But you know what? I realized I couldn't hide behind the washing machine the rest of my life. So one day, I collected all the courage I could find, and went right upstairs and lay in the front window sill. Right there in the sun, in full view. It wasn't long before the word was out, but I stuck to my guns. There were some lookie-loos, sure, but I just pretended to be napping. And now, I hardly notice the thing! Ha ha! Whatever doesn't kill me makes me stronger! That's my motto.
Finally, we have a mix-up in the batting order. Helton's hitting second, Holliday third, Tulo's down to sixth. But really, what does it matter? Everybody's going to laugh at them anyway, no matter how hard they try. Goddamnit, if I still had claws I'd show her a thing or two. That new couch she is so proud of? She'd head out to that martini bar of hers one night, and by the time she got back... shred city, baby!!! And she's got a bad habit of leaving her underwear drawer open when she leaves in the morning... the possibilities there would be endless, if I could only grab them. Poop wouldn't be the only thing she'd be pulling out of my litter box, I can promise you that! I've been working on using both paws together to pick them up, but I've run into some problems. But I will keep trying, just like the Rockies, and there will come a day when I'll show her a thing or two about who's cute and who's as FIERCE as they come! Yeah man!!!
Thanks for reading,
--Cat in a Cute Little Duck Costume
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