Ask the Beard

Today we start a feature that we hope will become a favorite: Ask the Beard! You can ask Ryan Spilborghs' Beard a question about baseball, about beards, or about anything else. The Beard has existed from the beginning of time. It knows all, sees all, but reveals little. So get your questions in, and perhaps the Beard will choose yours! Good luck!

And now, on to this month's questions...


Hey Beard! What happened to the Rockies last year? They sailed through the playoffs and then got smoked by the BoSox. What chokers! -- T Brady.

Greetings T, and thank you for your question. I cannot speak as to what transpired when the Rockies met the Red Sox in the World Series, as I had not yet chosen Ryan as my conduit. But still, I do have knowledge since gained from my relationship with Ryan, knowledge which I would be happy to share. It was a matter of karma, you see. The Red Sox had been chokers for over 80 years, and despite their earlier World Series victory and the success of the once equally-pitiful Patriots, Boston fans still had some good karma heading their way. The Rockies, on the other hand, had been losers for a mere 15 years. It ended up just being a numbers thing. Not to worry, Rockies fans! Due to the intricate mechanisms of karma of which I, the Beard, have intimate knowledge, every time the Rockies are swept in the World Series, it guarantees them a World Series win in their future! And fret not, the Beard has foreseen that you will not have to wait until 2079 to cash it in.


You may be interested to learn, by the way, that in four short years, Boston fans have already emptied the seemingly inexhaustible bank of good karma they spent those decades building up. After their defeat of the Yankees and sweep of the Cardinals, and again of the Rockies, stereotypical Red Sox fans everywhere transformed from an occasionally whiny but knowledgeable group of long-suffering, uber-dedicated fans to whom everyone offered respect, to a group reaching the level of cocky, insufferable dickhood that was once the sole realm of the Yankee faithful. This abrupt karmic shift was directly responsible for the Patriots' stunning, yet completely Bostonesque 2007-08 season, where they won every single game that didn't really count, and lost the only one that did. Be warned, Rockies fans! This could be your fate as well! Retain your humility, or face the wrath of karma!

To answer in less metaphysical terms, the eight-day layoff the Rockies endured might well have been the major factor in their inability to put up much of a fight against the superior yet beatable Boston nine. Your people put men on the moon 40 years ago, yet you cannot schedule a World Series to start 48 hours after the last game was played. You humans have much to learn. THE BEARD HAS SPOKEN!


Howdy Beard! Do you enjoy the NHL playoffs? I mean, the players all grow beards, so I figured maybe you might appreciate it, being an omniscient, galaxy-exploring beard and all. And, is there anything I can do to make my personal beard more manly? I've tried everything.
-- J Theodore.

Hello J. Thank you for your question. The Beard very much enjoys the NHL postseason. Although it has been many years since I have granted my Beardness to an individual hockey player, the effect of the playoff beard cannot be underestimated. The NHL team with the highest beard-to-skin ratio has won the Stanley Cup 36 of the last 37 years. The only exception was the Islanders in 1980; that one should have gone to the Flyers. I'm afraid that I was so busy channeling greatness through George Lucas at that time, that I just couldn't be two places at once.

In answer to your second question, the beard is a sign of greatness. If you cannot grow an adequate beard, it is an indicator that you are simply not great. There is nothing that can be done, unless the Beard decides to grant you its powers. Which I will not do, so please do not ask. THE BEARD HAS SPOKEN!



So what are you, some sort of wandering force of awesomeness, like the Loch-Nar but not as evil? If you made George Lucas great and you're so powerful, then why did Episodes 1 2 and 3 suck so bad?
-- N Portman


Foolish girl! Thank you for your question. The Loc-Nar wasn't all that evil, and not all beards are the Beard. In early 1979, I left Franco Harris, and spent the next 20 months with George Lucas as my conduit of greatness. It was during this time that The Empire Strikes Back and Raiders of the Lost Ark were produced. After this success, I left Lucas to his own devices, and I cannot be held responsible for the irrevocable harm he has done since then. His current beard does not even resemble me. Witness:





Look at the picture of me and George on the left (seen here posing with a Mr Hammill; not beard-worthy, but a nice young fellow nonetheless), and then George alone on the right... does that thing on his face even resemble me? At all? Sadly, when I leave my conduit to seek another, many cannot bear the loss, and they attempt to replace me with their own pitiful facial hair. Some fare better than others, but there is only one Beard! THE BEARD HAS SPOKEN!


That's all for this month's feature. Be sure to check back in May, when the Beard will be back to answer your questions!