As Ryan Spilborghs slept this morning, I unshackled myself from his noble visage and went on a quick jog around the galaxy. My soul was troubled, you see (as are many of yours, I sense), by the Rockies' slow start, and particularly by the spanking applied to their figurative buttocks by the vigorous Diamondbacks squad only yesterday. Even as a benevolent and eternal beard from outer space, I am on occasion subject to a fit of self-doubt, and I have always found that a quick trip to Beta Pictoris and back does wonders for my perspective.
Happily, this morning was no exception. I have returned, with a fresh view of the Rockies' season, and once again eager to aid Ryan in our attempts to gain greatness in the name of all the Rockies faithful!I happened to have a copy of the sports page handy while I was noodling about the universe, and I took a look at our win-loss record. As of this morning, April 13, we have won four matches and lost seven. This record puts us a full five games behind those robust Arizona nine, who have excelled so far with a record of nine wins and but two losses. So how vital are these first two weeks of the season? Is this a harbinger of things to come? Allow me to excavate this question.
I have surveyed the results from the previous three baseball seasons. Of the 24 teams which ultimately qualified for postseason play, ten of them had a winning percentage at or below .500 on April 13 of that year. Of the remaining 14, ten had won but one game more than they had lost. So recent history tells us that a mediocre or even a poor start this early in the season does not have a proven detrimental effect on a team's postseason hopes.
A further study of the teams that did jump out to outstanding early-season records during those three seasons reveals even more. In those seasons, fourteen teams have had a record on April 13 indicating at least three more wins than losses. Only two of those fourteen teams were destined for the postseason.
Certainly, the Beard is not suggesting that every win does not count. As all baseball followers throughout the galaxy have known for eons, a single loss or two throughout the season can ultimately equate to the final difference between an October filled with champagne and baseball, and one filled with Bud Light and Xbox. So in conclusion, if you are overly concerned with the Rockies' early lack of success thus far, I would advise you that although these early losses could eventually mean quite a lot, right now they tell us very little.So Rockies fans, please let this week's installment of Beard Shavings act as your calming, perspective-gaining journey around Beta Pictoris. I shall return to Ryan Spilborghs' face and to the Rockies' clubhouse with renewed excitement and dedication to my mission: to bring Ryan and the Rockies to the highest levels of achievement possible on your planet.
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I would like to take a quick moment to welcome a truly Beard-worthy man into the infinite: Charlton Heston. Although I, the Beard, never personally aided Mr Heston (and quite frankly, his decision to often use fake beards in his films caused some tension between us), he had an uncanny awareness of the Power of the Beard, and used it to his advantage. Witness:
I ask you: which film is recognized as a classic throughout the galaxy, and which one sucked even on the cosmic scale? In which version did Charlton Heston sport a magnificent beard, and in which version did Marky Mark's face look like a newborn baby's dimpled ass? Coincidence? Hardly! BEHOLD the Power of the Beard!!!
Excelsior!
-The Beard
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