Beard Shavings - April 27, 2008

Due to an unexpected and extended trip to Neptune, Ryan Spilborghs' Beard was unable to submit its column today. Beard Shavings will return next Sunday. Today's column is written by a Cat in a Cute Little Duck Costume.

Hello. I realize that you probably don't see too many cats writing baseball columns, but then again, how many have you seen wearing a cute little duck costume? Probably not many, I'd guess. Most cats have too much dignity to be seen in public wearing something like that, but not everybody's lucky enough to be in a situation they are comfortable with. So let's just get on with it, shall we?

The big news this week is that the Rockies changed closers. Manny Corpas is out, and Brian Fuentes is back in as the closer. Which is good, I guess. The bullpen lost four games in a row last week: four games they were leading in the eighth inning, mind you. Must suck to be them, but honestly, it could be worse. They could be dressed up in some stupid costume that they hate.

Let's be honest: baseball uniforms are not the most stylish clothing out there. Every once in a while you'll see a guy who doesn't look too bad in them, but they aren't really designed to flatter the less-than-sculpted individual. Get a guy like David Wells or Tony Gwynn into Men's Warehouse, and they'll set him up with a suit that will make him look like he isn't a fat tub of lard. But put the same guys in a baseball uni, and it's just a nightmare of gooshing flab; every button, seam, and belt straining against a shifting, fleshy load that far exceeds the burden they were designed to bear. It's certainly no fun to watch in High Definition, but beyond that, it's just flat-out undignified... but as I said, it could be worse.

So I'm just lying there in the sun one day, and she walks up with this little yellow thing. I couldn't tell what it was at first, but it's almost always a baby animal. It was a frog for about two months last fall. I don't even know where she gets them.. does she actually make them herself, or is there a store that sells this crap? If there is, I certainly don't need to see it... it's already the setting for all my nightmares, and I'm not kidding.

Why doesn't she just go have a baby and dress it up like an idiot for a while? But no, she needs "a foundation for her career first." Yeah, right. Something tells me it would probably take less time to build a foundation for her career than to build a foundation to support her big fat butt, but that couldn't be the reason she hasn't had a date in three years, can it? She's only 25, and... news flash! Guys her age just aren't that desperate yet. So my guess is that we've got another ten years of this... and so who ends up paying for it by getting dressed up like a tard every day of the week? You guessed it.

In other Rockies news, there were more shake-ups on the roster. Jayson Nix got sent to the minors this week, pretty much giving the starting second base job to Clint Barmes. I'm glad to see that, honestly. Barmes has been a devoted team player who's languished in the background for a few seasons now, and he deserves another chance. Remember when he hit the homer to win on Opening Day? He was on his way to the Rookie of the Year when he fell down the stairs and was out for much of the summer. He comes back, hits a little slump, and what do you know? Tulo the Golden Boy takes his spot, and Barmes is the forgotten man. But Barmes didn't hide, didn't pout. He just kept his head up, and I admire that.

I admit, for a while I stayed out of sight. There are plenty of cats in this neighborhood (dogs too, I'm sorry to say, but what are you gonna do?), and I didn't want to be seen wearing a cute little duck costume. It's just embarrassing, you know? A little baby duck... Christ. I should be eating those damn things, but instead I'm dressed as one. But you know what? I realized I couldn't hide behind the washing machine the rest of my life. So one day, I collected all the courage I could find, and went right upstairs and lay in the front window sill. Right there in the sun, in full view. It wasn't long before the word was out, but I stuck to my guns. There were some lookie-loos, sure, but I just pretended to be napping. And now, I hardly notice the thing! Ha ha! Whatever doesn't kill me makes me stronger! That's my motto.

Finally, we have a mix-up in the batting order. Helton's hitting second, Holliday third, Tulo's down to sixth. But really, what does it matter? Everybody's going to laugh at them anyway, no matter how hard they try. Goddamnit, if I still had claws I'd show her a thing or two. That new couch she is so proud of? She'd head out to that martini bar of hers one night, and by the time she got back... shred city, baby!!! And she's got a bad habit of leaving her underwear drawer open when she leaves in the morning... the possibilities there would be endless, if I could only grab them. Poop wouldn't be the only thing she'd be pulling out of my litter box, I can promise you that! I've been working on using both paws together to pick them up, but I've run into some problems. But I will keep trying, just like the Rockies, and there will come a day when I'll show her a thing or two about who's cute and who's as FIERCE as they come! Yeah man!!!

Thanks for reading,
--Cat in a Cute Little Duck Costume

Corpas out, Fuentes in

Thank goodness for depth in the bullpen. When one closer blows three saves in a row, bring in a guy who blew four in a row last year. The Rockies have so many options when they want a late-inning lead to evaporate! That's versatility, folks. Think about how many different guys we'll have available to piss away a lead when Vizcaino comes off the DL!!!

If there's a bright spot to all this, it's that the team is hitting and scoring enough runs to win lately, and they've received some decent starting pitching lately. Another bright spot is that the rest of the NL west is slumping right along with us... Arizona is the only team that's managed to gain any ground over the Rockies over the last ten games, and even so they're only one win better than the Rockies in that stretch.

-Jim

What's the bullpen smoking?

Anybody remember last season, when the Rockies bullpen led the league in blown saves? Bad habits die hard, I guess. Tonight's game makes four in a row. The Rockies bullpen has proven to be very versatile so far this year... give just about any pitcher the ball and a lead, and he'll lose his grip on both of them.

Beard Shavings - April 20, 2008

Greetings! Ryan Spilborghs' Beard here, meeting you on another fine Sunday with this week's installment of Beard Shavings. It has been a fine week for Ryan and the Colorado Rockies: the club went 5-1 this week, including an historic game in San Diego, and Ryan hit .357 with four runs scored and 2RBI, as well as turning in one of the most miraculous catches in the history of the galaxy.

The Rockies' recent streak of good play has them at a 9-8 record, positioned four games behind the stalwart Diamondbacks nine, who continue to play inspired baseball. The remainder of the NL West looks just as the stars have revealed it to be for the balance of the season: Los Padres and the Trolley Dodgers close behind in third and fourth, and the Giants alone in the South Beach Cellar, where they will remain. The Rockies have also had their first winning road trip of the season, having won five games of a total of nine (with one yet to be played this afternoon). The sunny outlook continues for this week, as they return home for games with the Phillies and Cubbies (two teams curiously named after immature, non-threatening animals) and then a visit to Los Angeles and the struggling Trolley Dodgers.

Certainly, talk this week was focused on the 22-inning match played in San Diego, the longest game in the major leagues in 15 years. Although a 22-inning game is but a blink of an eye to the eternal Beard, it is evidently a very long time for humans to retain their focus on the task at hand. This explains both the emptied stands at Petco Park, as well as the error-filled inning by los Padres that led to their loss. The Rockies, however, responded admirably to the greatness with which I have encircled them, and perservered!

If you seek further proof of the Rockies greatness relative to los Padres, I offer a recap of each team's next game: los Padres traveled a mere 350 miles to Arizona, where they were soundly defeated 9-0 (managing a mere three hits), while the Rockies traveled 1500 miles to Houston (losing two hours on the clock) and, with a lineup consisting of only three regulars, scored six runs in the first inning en route to an 11-5 manhandling of the Astros. This is an example of what I strive to bring to the Colorado Rockies... I take the greatness that is already within them and channel it, through the perfectly sculpted facade of Ryan Spilborghs, to the sort of level that allows them to travel halfway across the North American continent and defeat a team in their own stadium a mere sixteen hours after a grueling six-hour game. The Power of the Beard is real, dear readers. Bathe yourselves in it as the Rockies have, and perhaps even you, too, can mirror their greatness.

Speaking of greatness, the week was ended with another Rockies victory in Houston, this one punctuated by one of the most miraculous catches the sport has ever seen! Naturally I, the Beard, had the perfect vantage point to see this play as it happened (there are distinct advantages to being on Ryan's face. There are disadvantages also, but I shall save their discussion for another entry).

Allow me to explain what happened: Ryan and I got a great jump towards the ball, and as Ryan extended his arm to the heavens, the ball found itself cradled within his glove as a baby in her mother's arms. The ever-vengeful forces of gravity conspired to draw him back towards the earth, and as he struck the ground, the ball popped free of the glove. Knowing that should the ball strike the grass the batter would be awarded a hit, Ryan, with a subtle turn of his shoulder, thrust his open shirt towards the ball (Ryan habitually keeps the top button of his jersey unbuttoned, in constant readiness for just such a situation). The baseball fell into his shirt, and there it stayed, safe in Spilborghs' bosom, until his right hand was able to retrieve it and display it to the umpire to verify the legality of his catch.

Because of the limitations of modern video technology, the correct angle was unfortunately not available to the television viewer. This has led to much doubt regarding this play.. but when doubt rules the day, the victor carries faith at his side. Houston fans are filled with doubt (as demonstrated by their vocal displays aimed at noble Spilborghs), and well they should be... they have little greatness to bolster their faith. Rockies fans must keep doubt at bay, and in its place at all times, faith. Faith in the 2008 Rockies, my dear readers, shall not be misplaced. THE BEARD HAS SPOKEN!

Now, that was long!

I'm not sure what I saw last night... was it 22 innings of some of the best pitching you'll ever see, or 22 innings of the lousiest hitting ever? It's tough to say... but one thing is for certain: Petco Park has turned baseball into a joke! Babe Ruth is spinning in his grave... that's not the way baseball was meant to be played. They should blow it up and start over. Either that, or install some sort of device that eliminates that ocean air and turns those baseballs into the slick, dried-out Superballs they were meant to be, so the Padres won't be able to rely on all those cheap, 400-foot outs.

Seriously though, it was a fun game to watch. Why I stayed up to see the very end I'm not exactly sure, but at least they got a win and I went to bed happy! Hopefully that win doesn't cost them a couple more in the long run. And I certainly hope that Torro and Bard get the day off today... both guys caught the entire game and their legs have got to be aching today.

Go Rockies!!!!


--Jim

Who's not pulling their weight?

The Rockies have not exactly jumped out of the gate in 2008. As the wise Beard explained below, it's not panic time yet, but there's obviously something missing right now? What is it?

1. Top of the order not producing. Taveras isn't getting on base, and Tulo wouldn't be moving him over if he was. One of them will snap out of it, the other is a concern held over from last season.

Tulo is struggling at the plate. I think opposing pitchers have a book on Troy now, and he needs to learn to be more patient. I have no worries about it though. He seems like a guy who demands a lot of himself, and based on last season he clearly has the athleticism and the drive to learn what needs to be learned and break out of his early-season slump. But it would sure be nice if that happens sooner rather than later.

Taveras was teetering near the top of my "Bad Rockie" list all last year, but he did produce and I hoped that as a young player, he'd get more patient at the plate. He has gotten more patient, I guess... instead of striking out swinging, he's been striking out looking.

Last season's .320 batting average is deceiving... he had 31 bunt/infield hits last season, which added 85 points to his average. He strikes out a ton and rarely draws a walk... not really what you want to see out of your leadoff guy. With ten K's already this year, Willy's on pace to strike out well over 150 times this season. His kind of speed at the top of the order is great, but what good is it if he's never on base?

2. Pitching has taken a step back. Aaron Cook has been very good, and Mark Redman has been decent, as was Kip Wells in his spot start. Now that Vizcaino is out of the bullpen, they are looking great out there. I think they expected a bit of a learning curve with Morales, so I'm not too worried about him.

But Jimenez and especially Francis really need to get on track. Jimenez has been inconsistent and is walking way too many batters... about twice as many per inning as he did last season. Last night's start (6-0 Padres) is a great example: he's close to dominant for four innings, then he's a piñata in the 5th. Unfortunately, Francis has been consistent... consistently bad. Six HRs in two starts, an ERA near 10, and the numbers would be far worse if his first start hadn't been rained out. Ugh.

So there it is in a nutshell. The top two spots in their order are doing next to nothing, and two of their top three pitchers haven't been putting them in a position to win. Just two things to fix and they're back on track! Easy enough, right?!

I'd love to see Hurdle give Podsednik two or three starts in a row at the top of the order, and see if that sparks them a bit. As far as the pitching is concerned... Francis is the guy they really need to come around. Jimenez has a great arm and it will keep him in games, even when he's walking guys. But Francis has been at sea in all three starts, and really needs his next start to be a good one to snap him out of what could be in danger of becoming a pretty bad funk.

--Jim

Hockey Fights

It's playoff hockey time, and we here at YotB love a good hockey fight. And if it's not a good hockey fight, it had better be a one-punch KO. Which is this one? Guess you'll have to watch to find out. Thanks to Ian for the link...

Fight Time!!!


Here's a link to another hockey vid. I thought this one would be appropriate seeing as how the Avs and Wild are facing each other in the playoffs, and Skoula used to be an Av. Stuff like this is why he isn't, anymore.

Whoops.

Beard Shavings - April 13 2008

Hello readers. This is Ryan Spilborgh's beard greeting you this Sunday morning. I have chosen Sunday as the day I shall impart my wisdom unto you in the form of baseball-related writings. Even on the day that God rests, the Beard will be hard at work. Please return on each and every Sunday for my comments and reflections regarding the state of the Colorado Rockies and my endeavors to channel my greatness unto them.

As Ryan Spilborghs slept this morning, I unshackled myself from his noble visage and went on a quick jog around the galaxy. My soul was troubled, you see (as are many of yours, I sense), by the Rockies' slow start, and particularly by the spanking applied to their figurative buttocks by the vigorous Diamondbacks squad only yesterday. Even as a benevolent and eternal beard from outer space, I am on occasion subject to a fit of self-doubt, and I have always found that a quick trip to Beta Pictoris and back does wonders for my perspective.

Happily, this morning was no exception. I have returned, with a fresh view of the Rockies' season, and once again eager to aid Ryan in our attempts to gain greatness in the name of all the Rockies faithful!

I happened to have a copy of the sports page handy while I was noodling about the universe, and I took a look at our win-loss record. As of this morning, April 13, we have won four matches and lost seven. This record puts us a full five games behind those robust Arizona nine, who have excelled so far with a record of nine wins and but two losses. So how vital are these first two weeks of the season? Is this a harbinger of things to come? Allow me to excavate this question.

I have surveyed the results from the previous three baseball seasons. Of the 24 teams which ultimately qualified for postseason play, ten of them had a winning percentage at or below .500 on April 13 of that year. Of the remaining 14, ten had won but one game more than they had lost. So recent history tells us that a mediocre or even a poor start this early in the season does not have a proven detrimental effect on a team's postseason hopes.

A further study of the teams that did jump out to outstanding early-season records during those three seasons reveals even more. In those seasons, fourteen teams have had a record on April 13 indicating at least three more wins than losses. Only two of those fourteen teams were destined for the postseason.

Certainly, the Beard is not suggesting that every win does not count. As all baseball followers throughout the galaxy have known for eons, a single loss or two throughout the season can ultimately equate to the final difference between an October filled with champagne and baseball, and one filled with Bud Light and Xbox. So in conclusion, if you are overly concerned with the Rockies' early lack of success thus far, I would advise you that although these early losses could eventually mean quite a lot, right now they tell us very little.

So Rockies fans, please let this week's installment of Beard Shavings act as your calming, perspective-gaining journey around Beta Pictoris. I shall return to Ryan Spilborghs' face and to the Rockies' clubhouse with renewed excitement and dedication to my mission: to bring Ryan and the Rockies to the highest levels of achievement possible on your planet.

------------------

I would like to take a quick moment to welcome a truly Beard-worthy man into the infinite: Charlton Heston. Although I, the Beard, never personally aided Mr Heston (and quite frankly, his decision to often use fake beards in his films caused some tension between us), he had an uncanny awareness of the Power of the Beard, and used it to his advantage. Witness:



I ask you: which film is recognized as a classic throughout the galaxy, and which one sucked even on the cosmic scale? In which version did Charlton Heston sport a magnificent beard, and in which version did Marky Mark's face look like a newborn baby's dimpled ass? Coincidence? Hardly! BEHOLD the Power of the Beard!!!

Excelsior!

-The Beard

Cranky Ramblings: 2007 NL Award Winners

So the Rockies lost to the D-backs last night. I spent most of the night watching the Avs game, so I didn’t see much of the Rockies but it looks like Francis got knocked around again. So far, we’ve started Francis against Webb twice and gotten two spankings.

So because I’m already nice and crabby, I've decided it’s time to rake some old coals. So here’s my take on last season’s NL postseason awards and how the Rockies fared. Yeah, it’s old news, but why the hell not? I've got nothing better to do than write it, and since you're already here, you've obviously got nothing better to do than read it.

MVP: Jimmy Rollins. 2^nd place: Matt Holliday
I have no problem with this one. It would have been nice to see Matt win it, but Rollins had a great year, is a great player in all aspects and was a fine choice. I found it encouraging, actually, that defensive play was not minimized here. Philly manager Charlie Manual said, "Holliday had a great season, but every part of J-Roll's game stood out. He was the guy who made us go. I like it man, well deserved." I agree. I just wish the same reasoning applied to all the postseason awards…

Rookie of the Year: Ryan Braun. 2^nd place: Troy Tulowitzki
This was one of the closest Rookie of the Year votes ever. Ryan Braun had an amazing year at the plate. His fans are quick to point out that had he played an entire season, his stats would have been even better. In fact, his pace for a full season would have resulted in 48 home runs and 149 RBI. Not Too Shabby… if we were talking about fantasy baseball stats, Ryan Braun was clearly the Fantasy Baseball Rookie of the Year, if not of all time. One can’t ignore stats like his, he had a truly historic rookie season at the plate.

But the MVP results show us that a great baseball player is not all about his hitting stats, right? Wrongo... voters evidently threw that criteria out on its wrinkly butt for the ROY. Tulowitzki was the best shortstop in the league, while Braun was not only the worst regular 3B (by far) in 2007, he had one of the worst defensive seasons since the dead ball era. He led the majors in errors (in only 2/3 of a season, remember!), and had the worst fielding percentage and range factor of any infielder in either league. One can't ignore stats like that, either... or so you'd think.

So let’s work this out: Holliday is an above-average defensive player who hit for 2/3 of the Triple Crown, but Rollins’ excellent play in the field and his leadership were the factors that swung voters away from Holliday’s gaudy hitting stats. Fair enough. But for the same reasons, why doesn't Tulo’s defense (statistically even better than Gold Glove winner Rollins, see below), not to mention the leadership he clearly brought to the Rox, outweigh Braun's offensive masterpiece/defensive turd sandwich of a season?

2007 stats:

Holliday: 340 avg .405 obp .607 slg
Rollins 296avg .344 obp .531slg
Holliday’s gaps over Rollins: 44/61/76

Braun .324 avg.370 obp .634 slg
Tulo .291 avg .359 obp .479 slg
Braun’s gaps over Tulo: 33/11/155

Turns out that Tulo's hitting stats, too mediocre to get him the ROY, were very similar to Rollins', which were good enough to win him the MVP. Looking at those gaps, Tulo was actually closer to Braun than Rollins was to Holliday in two of the three major hitting percentages. Somebody will inevitably point out Tulo’s home/road splits, but the overblown nature of the "Coors Field effect" in people’s minds is a rant for another cranky day. But advantages like that work both ways: Tulo enjoyed hitting at Coors Field in half his games, while the Hebrew Hammer was hitting in perhaps the best place in the entire Major Leagues: right in front of Prince Fielder.

Is there any doubt that hitting in front of a guy like Fielder is going to help your stats quite a bit more than hitting in front of a guy like Yorvit Torrealba? Anybody remember who was hitting in the Brewers' 3-hole before Braun arrived? It was JJ Hardy, and it’s safe to say he really, really enjoyed hitting ahead of Fielder. Check out Hardy’s stats before Braun arrived and snaked that cherry spot in the Brewers’ order.

Hardy’s stats, thru May 25: .314 avg .359 obp .608 slg 15 hr 43 rbi
Braun's stats, after May 26: 324 avg.370 obp .634 slg 34 hr 97 rbi
Hardy's final '07 statistics: 277 avg .323 obp .463 slg 26 hr 80 rbi

Well look at that... when Hardy was in the 3-hole, his stats looked a helluva lot like Braun's! When he lost that spot in the order, his stats became much more pedestrian. If we project Hardy’s pre-May 26 stats to a full year, he’d have ended up with something in the neighborhood of 53hr and 151 rbi. Braun’s projected stats again? 48hr and 149 rbi. Hmmm, imagine that. Now, am I saying that JJ Hardy is as good a hitter as Ryan Braun? Not at all... Hardy's a nice player, but Braun's a stud. However, does hitting in front of Prince Fielder for an entire year inflate your hitting stats? Clearly, the answer is yes. So let’s not accuse Tulowitzki’s hitting of being a product of Coors Field without admitting that Braun’s stats had their own little angel on their shoulder.

Manager of the Year: Bob Melvin. Clint Hurdle: 3^rd
I like this choice a lot. Melvin was handed a team even younger than the Rockies, a team that couldn’t really hit a lick, and managed them to the top of the NL West. They won 90 games while being outscored overall… that tells me they won a lot of close games, and they must have had a pretty good manager. Hurdle has become a good manager, but he needs to show voters he can do more than enjoy the ride when his team goes on an incredible win streak before he will be a serious contender for Manager of the Year

Gold Glove award:
SS Rollins over Tulo / 1B Derrek Lee over Todd Helton
The Gold Glove has to be the biggest joke of any postseason award in any major sport. When Rafael Palmeiro wins one in a season he played 130 games as a DH, you know it’s not an award we can take seriously. Tulo had a slightly better season defensively than Rollins did… they both had eleven errors but Tulo had over 100 more total chances. But it’s a popularity contest… people have seen Rollins before, so he gets the votes. Tulo will win his share of these I am sure. I've kind of surprised myself by not being really too upset about this one at all.

Lee over Helton pisses me right off, though. Helton had two errors in 1545 total chances for a .999 fielding percentage. Lee had seven errors in 1259 total chances for .994%. Let’s see here… more chances, fewer errors. Hmmm. Range factor isn’t as telling for 1B as for other positions, but Helton’s was 10.49 while Lee’s was 8.84. Double hmmm. Helton had about as close to a perfect season defensively as you’ll ever see (Youklis did have zero errors at 1B for Boston, with only 2/3 the total chances Helton had), yet the award for defensive excellence goes to Lee. The Gold Glove is a completely retarded award, and this is a great example of why.

--Jim

Spil drives in 5, Rox/Braves finale snowed out

Ryan Spilborghs got the start on Wednesday against the Braves, and went 3-5 with a HR, a double, and 5 RBI. Not Too Shabby! Naturally, because Ryan and his mighty Beard were in the lineup, the Rockies sailed past the Braves 12-6. The 12 runs nearly doubled their year-to-date run total, so it's nice to see the bats wake up a bit. Torrealba also showed signs of life at the plate, going 3-4 with a 3-run homer. Thursday's game was snowed out and will be made up on June 16, when both teams have a scheduled day off.

The Rockies are still closer to the basement (AKA San Francisco) than to the top of the NL West, but it seems they have shaken off their slow start. They now go to Arizona to face the hot D-backs, winners of six straight, including a three-game sweep of the Rockies at Coors Field. Maybe the Rockies return the favor. Webb against Francis tonight. Francis needs to get it going; the D-backs knocked him around pretty good in his only official start this year, and in the opener against the Cardinals, Francis was down 5-1 with one out in the 3rd, when Mother Nature gave him a freebie and knocked perhaps his worst-ever performance off the books.

I stood in a beer line behind Jeff Francis at an Avalanche game last season. He was trying to buy a drink for his girlfriend/wife and it looked like he was confused about the process. Kinda fumbled with his money, fumbled with his license, and I'm standing there thinking "come on, dude, the puck's gonna drop any minute." Then my buddy kind of nodded his head sideways in that "check it out" sort of motion, and I realized that the tall, goofy kid I was getting slightly impatient with was none other than Francis. And then I sat there thinking, how can a guy who looks so calm pitching in the major leagues look so flustered trying to negotiate a wine cooler transaction for his lady? I, on the other hand, ordered my beer with authority and paid as if I'd done it a million times, and got out of there quick. I could tell that the person serving us really appreciated me for it. So there, Jeff!

--Jim

Ask the Beard

Today we start a feature that we hope will become a favorite: Ask the Beard! You can ask Ryan Spilborghs' Beard a question about baseball, about beards, or about anything else. The Beard has existed from the beginning of time. It knows all, sees all, but reveals little. So get your questions in, and perhaps the Beard will choose yours! Good luck!

And now, on to this month's questions...


Hey Beard! What happened to the Rockies last year? They sailed through the playoffs and then got smoked by the BoSox. What chokers! -- T Brady.

Greetings T, and thank you for your question. I cannot speak as to what transpired when the Rockies met the Red Sox in the World Series, as I had not yet chosen Ryan as my conduit. But still, I do have knowledge since gained from my relationship with Ryan, knowledge which I would be happy to share. It was a matter of karma, you see. The Red Sox had been chokers for over 80 years, and despite their earlier World Series victory and the success of the once equally-pitiful Patriots, Boston fans still had some good karma heading their way. The Rockies, on the other hand, had been losers for a mere 15 years. It ended up just being a numbers thing. Not to worry, Rockies fans! Due to the intricate mechanisms of karma of which I, the Beard, have intimate knowledge, every time the Rockies are swept in the World Series, it guarantees them a World Series win in their future! And fret not, the Beard has foreseen that you will not have to wait until 2079 to cash it in.


You may be interested to learn, by the way, that in four short years, Boston fans have already emptied the seemingly inexhaustible bank of good karma they spent those decades building up. After their defeat of the Yankees and sweep of the Cardinals, and again of the Rockies, stereotypical Red Sox fans everywhere transformed from an occasionally whiny but knowledgeable group of long-suffering, uber-dedicated fans to whom everyone offered respect, to a group reaching the level of cocky, insufferable dickhood that was once the sole realm of the Yankee faithful. This abrupt karmic shift was directly responsible for the Patriots' stunning, yet completely Bostonesque 2007-08 season, where they won every single game that didn't really count, and lost the only one that did. Be warned, Rockies fans! This could be your fate as well! Retain your humility, or face the wrath of karma!

To answer in less metaphysical terms, the eight-day layoff the Rockies endured might well have been the major factor in their inability to put up much of a fight against the superior yet beatable Boston nine. Your people put men on the moon 40 years ago, yet you cannot schedule a World Series to start 48 hours after the last game was played. You humans have much to learn. THE BEARD HAS SPOKEN!


Howdy Beard! Do you enjoy the NHL playoffs? I mean, the players all grow beards, so I figured maybe you might appreciate it, being an omniscient, galaxy-exploring beard and all. And, is there anything I can do to make my personal beard more manly? I've tried everything.
-- J Theodore.

Hello J. Thank you for your question. The Beard very much enjoys the NHL postseason. Although it has been many years since I have granted my Beardness to an individual hockey player, the effect of the playoff beard cannot be underestimated. The NHL team with the highest beard-to-skin ratio has won the Stanley Cup 36 of the last 37 years. The only exception was the Islanders in 1980; that one should have gone to the Flyers. I'm afraid that I was so busy channeling greatness through George Lucas at that time, that I just couldn't be two places at once.

In answer to your second question, the beard is a sign of greatness. If you cannot grow an adequate beard, it is an indicator that you are simply not great. There is nothing that can be done, unless the Beard decides to grant you its powers. Which I will not do, so please do not ask. THE BEARD HAS SPOKEN!



So what are you, some sort of wandering force of awesomeness, like the Loch-Nar but not as evil? If you made George Lucas great and you're so powerful, then why did Episodes 1 2 and 3 suck so bad?
-- N Portman


Foolish girl! Thank you for your question. The Loc-Nar wasn't all that evil, and not all beards are the Beard. In early 1979, I left Franco Harris, and spent the next 20 months with George Lucas as my conduit of greatness. It was during this time that The Empire Strikes Back and Raiders of the Lost Ark were produced. After this success, I left Lucas to his own devices, and I cannot be held responsible for the irrevocable harm he has done since then. His current beard does not even resemble me. Witness:





Look at the picture of me and George on the left (seen here posing with a Mr Hammill; not beard-worthy, but a nice young fellow nonetheless), and then George alone on the right... does that thing on his face even resemble me? At all? Sadly, when I leave my conduit to seek another, many cannot bear the loss, and they attempt to replace me with their own pitiful facial hair. Some fare better than others, but there is only one Beard! THE BEARD HAS SPOKEN!


That's all for this month's feature. Be sure to check back in May, when the Beard will be back to answer your questions!

First blog: Why the beard?

Hello, and thank you for reading. Why, you may ask, did some dork bother to blog about Ryan Spilborghs' Beard? It's a good question. Quite simply, Spilborghs' Beard has powers... powerful powers. Just look at it and you'll see what I mean... but use caution. DO NOT look directly into the Beard! It is like the Sun, or the face of God. You have been warned.


Perhaps your second question is: who the hell is Ryan Spilborghs? This is also a good question. Ryan Spilborghs is an outfielder for the Colorado Rockies. He is a decent player on a pretty good team that made it to the World Series last year, where they played the ever-popular part of "overwhelmed National League World Series team." Spilborghs is not the Rockies' best player. He's a backup outfielder who provides some right-handed power off the bench, and who will likely see most of his starts when starting RF Brad Hawpe has the day off. But he's the kind of player good teams need to become great teams, and because of that, he will hold a place of honor on this page.

And then, of course, there is the beard.

Spilborghs might sport the greatest, most fake-looking actual beard the world has ever seen. It's like a Saturday Night Live glue-on beard... except it's real. Spilborghs looks like he is in a movie where he just awoke in a hospital bed after a two-month coma. He looks like the guy on the box of the "Just for Men" beard coloring stuff. Few men (and even fewer women) have the courage to rock the full, yet still well-groomed beard these days. Ryan Spilborghs has that courage, and he brings both the courage and the Beard to the 2008 Colorado Rockies. Will the Beard be the final addition the Rockies need to make it back to the Series and win it? Or will the Beard just be a beautiful summertime distraction, like lemonade, girls driving jeeps with no doors, and stop signs?

Time will tell. But either way, we dig it.